Inviting same-sex friend as wedding guest

missmatty

It is totally ridiculous. I'm getting married next weekend and I made sure any single people (there weren't too many) were invited to bring any plus one of their choice along. I've been to quite a few weddings as a singleton and even if you know people it can be hard. I think the sister and the mum in question have lost the run of themselves.

johnnyskeleton

Do people even offer plus ones anymore? I was offered one at a cousins wedding where the rest of my immediate family werent going so they didnt want me to be sitting alone like a lemon all night (cousins immediate family were at the top table and i only vaguely knew one or two of his pals).

In ever other wedding its been an invite of names people i.e. if they know someone is in a long term relationship they name both, if they are in a new relationship the couple will inquire discretely if they want to bring the partner along or often they will just invite the person.

Theres so much pressure on numbers these days that givig people a plus one for a non partner is strange.

So, without asking the OP for further information about her relationship with her sister (which you are not obliged to give, OP), I would imagine that maybe there are other strains in the relationship and this could be a way of raising the issue.

johnnyskeleton

Steviesol wrote: »

This crap makes me ashamed to be Irish. The what will people think brigade. Is it any wonder people drink to excess.

Wow. That escalated quickly from a concern about the optics at a wedding to a damning indictment of an entire race of people as drunken busybodies!

blairbear

johnnyskeleton wrote: »

Do people even offer plus ones anymore? I was offered one at a cousins wedding where the rest of my immediate family werent going so they didnt want me to be sitting alone like a lemon all night (cousins immediate family were at the top table and i only vaguely knew one or two of his pals).

In ever other wedding its been an invite of names people i.e. if they know someone is in a long term relationship they name both, if they are in a new relationship the couple will inquire discretely if they want to bring the partner along or often they will just invite the person.

Theres so much pressure on numbers these days that givig people a plus one for a non partner is strange.

So, without asking the OP for further information about her relationship with her sister (which you are not obliged to give, OP), I would imagine that maybe there are other strains in the relationship and this could be a way of raising the issue.

I have never been invited to a wedding without a plus one invite, whether I'm single or not. I think it's quite rude to invite someone without a plus one. It's not strange in the slightest to give a single person a plus one. It's generous and thoughtful.

LynnGrace

missmatty wrote: »

It is totally ridiculous. I'm getting married next weekend and I made sure any single people (there weren't too many) were invited to bring any plus one of their choice along. I've been to quite a few weddings as a singleton and even if you know people it can be hard.I think the sister and the mum in question have lost the run of themselves.

This sums up what I think. If anyone is going to be talking about who you did or didn't bring to a wedding, they have very sad little lives indeed, in my opinion.

Have a chat with your sister, OP, when the dust settles a bit, is my advice.

Teyla Emmagan

You should go by yourself and make a point of telling every one of your extended relations

a) that your sister made you go alone because she was afraid they would think you were a lesbian and did they ever hear anything as ridiculous.

Or

b) that you were finally ready to come out of the closet but your sister didn't want her day ruined by the family finding out you are a lesbian and did they ever hear anything as ridiculous.

LegacyUser

Your sister is paying for the meals. Why should she pay for your mates meal? Arrange and fund your own day out with your friend another time. A +1 is for a partner; expecting your sister to fund your fun day out with your mate is bizarre.

inatissy

If it was me, at the end of thr day I know I'd probably give into my family and explain it to my friend.

But I would've loved to play things up and say actually that we're more than friends and have my friend go along with it for the day!

.......

This post has been deleted.

kylith

Binglio wrote: »

Your sister is paying for the meals. Why should she pay for your mates meal? Arrange and fund your own day out with your friend another time. A +1 is for a partner; expecting your sister to fund your fun day out with your mate is bizarre.

But her sister is happy to pay for her +1's meal if she brings a male friend. The issue isn't bringing a friend, it's the gender of the friend that's an issue, and that's just wrong.

freshpopcorn

Binglio wrote: »

Your sister is paying for the meals. Why should she pay for your mates meal? Arrange and fund your own day out with your friend another time. A +1 is for a partner; expecting your sister to fund your fun day out with your mate is bizarre.

Your post is bizarre. When you invite somebody to a wedding and tell them they can have a plus one. You shouldn't be telling them who they can bring.

Just a note to the OP. Show this thread to your sister and mother and let them know that their attitudes are in the monitory and it's not how people think.

Midnight Sundance

I really hope people don't think I'm trolling here but I had to reply. I think some people think that the world revolves around them when they get married and the sun moon and stars all shine for them alone!!
Your sister obviously does not understand what it's like to have to go to a wedding alone nor does she want to understand!!
I've been to plenty of weddings where guests have brought a friend as their plus one and not one person has batted an eyelid. Why would they.
If they know you well enough to care they'll know that you brought her as a friend for company and not a date!!
I understand it's your sisters big day but she also has to remember her guests need to be comfortable attending the wedding or they won't want to go.
Explain to your sister that no one will think it's strange bringing a friend and that she's pretty much on her own with her opinion.
In saying that, if she insists on you bringing a male and not a female friend I probably wouldn't push it with her but let her know you're disappointed. Perhaps she was reacting without properly thinkin and hopefully she might have stopped to think about how you as a guest would be feeling too.

stefanovich

right back atcha wrote:

I'm just interested in peoples' opinions on this. According to my sister, bringing friends as a +1 is just not "done" once you're out of your teens/twenties. I honestly can't see myself getting involved in a relationship any time in the next few years, but I don't want to have to go alone to every social event because of this.

It's her wedding. Go alone and stop adding to her stress.

stefanovich

kylith wrote:

But her sister is happy to pay for her +1's meal if she brings a male friend. The issue isn't bringing a friend, it's the gender of the friend that's an issue, and that's just wrong.

Whether it is wrong or not is neither here nor there. Someone's wedding day is not the appropriate time to make a moral stand against their wishes and cause them more stress. Accept that it is something they are uncomfortable with and respect their wishes.

blairbear

stefanovich wrote: »

Whether it is wrong or not is neither here nor there. Someone's wedding day is not the appropriate time to make a moral stand against their wishes and cause them more stress. Accept that it is something they are uncomfortable with and respect their wishes.

She's getting married. Not having open heart surgery. I don't like the attitude that we need to tiptoe around couples getting married cos it's just so, so stressful. It's their decision to get married and have a big day out! Plenty of my friends have had weddings of late and all of them managed to deal with the normal inconveniences of life leading up to the big day without suffering any ill-effects due to extreme stress.

Johnnyhpipe

Is it a family only wedding? Ie the couple themselves aren't even having friends? That's what we're doing and I guess wouldn't really want siblings bringing friends when we don't have any there ourselves.

GingerLily

Johnnyhpipe wrote: »

Is it a family only wedding? Ie the couple themselves aren't even having friends? That's what we're doing and I guess wouldn't really want siblings bringing friends when we don't have any there ourselves.

Then don't give your single siblings plus ones!
Simples!!

Johnnyhpipe

GingerLily wrote: »

Then don't give your single siblings plus ones!
Simples!!

K

Hannibal_Smith

stefanovich wrote: »

It's her wedding. Go alone and stop adding to her stress.

stefanovich wrote: »

Whether it is wrong or not is neither here nor there. Someone's wedding day is not the appropriate time to make a moral stand against their wishes and cause them more stress. Accept that it is something they are uncomfortable with and respect their wishes.

If bringing a same sex friend as a plus one is 'adding to her stress', I'd love to be her because she's clearly nothing major to worry about. And if she is that stressed out that she's looking for problems where there are none, then the husband to be is one lucky guy! :pac:

Neyite

Often a good way to resolve something like this is to offer alternatives, but ensure that they are not quite the handy solution as your preferred one.

I'd be tempted to have a bit of fun with it. If she's insisting on you bringing a male date, could you suggest to her you are going to ask the local guy who is a massive Lordy/ Marilyn Manson fan. :P Get a Tinder short list of interesting sounding blokes - your friend could help you with a shortlist - and sit down with your sister and mum to swipe them.

Or could you suggest you bring a cousin that you are close to. You'll know him, so will other guests so you wont be batting off the new-relationship questions, it tidies away the 'gay' aspect that your sister and mother are so apparently terrified of, you wont have to babysit him all night. The flip side is that you might open up another can of worms there when Cousin 1 is going to the wedding and Aunt Mary's plethora of cousins aren't.

I don't think I'd actually bring a date for the sake of it though. It's a family wedding and there are bound to be lots there that you know well. If you bring a bloke who knows nobody then you'll have to stick with them all night and there is the unknown aspect that you don't know if they'll be the tie-around-the-head lad crashing into all the aunties on the dance floor or the lad puking all over the place.

I never got a +1 for a family wedding. I was put in charge of the family dog who had a small role in her day. So he was my date for the reception. It kinda backfired though as he got a LOT more attention than we might have if I could have brought a friend. Thinking back, he was the best date ever.

Or, get her to post her query on a Weddings forum to ask other brides-to-be what they would do. We'll reply and set her straight

Midnight Sundance

Midnight Sundance wrote: »

Your sister obviously does not understand what it's like to have to go to a wedding alone nor does she want to understand!!

In all fairness the op is not going to a wedding alone, its a family wedding and she will know at least half the people there well and know plenty of others also. If it was going to the wedding of a long lost work colleague where you would know absolutely nobody then yes it would be difficult alone but that holds absolutely no water in this case.

I actually think that unless its a partner who knows the op's family and friends then she would be much better off going alone. The op is going to hardly have a minute on the day talking to friends, relations, in-laws etc and that's if she isn't a bridesmaid which you could double the work in that instance. The person she has invited knows nobody and is going to end up without the op around her for large portions of the evening which isn't exactly fair either.

Sunny Dayz

OP do you have any male friends who are gay?
Your original post just says she wants you to bring a male, I'm assuming she didn't go so far as to state a straight male friend.
If you could bring a gay male friend, and (sorry if I offend anyone, I don't assume all gay men are camp) but if you could bring a stereotypical camp male gay friend; there would be no doubting that the two of you are not a couple, and you probably would have a good time and a laugh.

Sunny Dayz

But in relation to having a +1 at weddings, when I got married 2 of my close friends were single and I put plus one on their invites. When we were chatting about the invites I said they were more than welcome to bring company, a friend, their sister etc. Both of them said they would go alone as they would have each other for company.
I've been to weddings where single people have brought a sister or close friend and never has anyone ever assumed or implied they were a couple. There would be more implication of "coupleness" if a +1 was brought from the opposite gender.

Big Bag of Chips

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

There would be more implication of "coupleness" if a +1 was brought from the opposite gender.

I think that's what the bride and mother want! They're not bothered if people assume she's going out with a male +1, they just don't want people thinking she's going out with a female +1!!

santana75

OP I think you need to sit the bride down and have a chat with her and tell her that worrying over what people might think is a complete waste of time and energy.

Emme

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

This comes up a lot.
It's HER day. If she doesnt want you to bring a mate, then don't.
Don't cause drama for your sisters wedding.
When its YOUR day you can set the rules.

I hate this Bridezilla "IT'S HER DAY" nonsense. It's the bride's day and the groom's day but the wishes of their families should be taken into account within reason. The more of a "me me me" theme weddings have the more likely the marriage is to break up because the "me me me" attitude shows an inability to compromise. The focus on the Big Day (as opposed to the rest of their lives together) never augurs well either.

How is bringing a same gender friend to a wedding causing drama? I have done it many times and I've been brought along as a +1 by female friends.

If the OP's sister is weird enough to think that bringing a friend of the same gender makes her look like a lesbian then she might be better off not going. This sort of thinking is outdated and homophobic. If she decided to bring a gay friend of the opposite gender and said that her +1 was gay what would her sister say?

Maybe the OP's sister knows she has no straight male +1 and is planning to sit her beside an "eligible" bachelor whose attitude and attire would make D'Unbelievables look like hipsters.

missmatty

My bridesmaid will be at the top table with her wife, I'm dying to see what all my neighbours from home down the country make of it. I know one of them refused to go to our other neighbour's gay wedding last year (and wouldn't let his family go either) so he'll be spitting out his pint anyway

missmatty

missmatty wrote: »

My bridesmaid will be at the top table with her wife, I'm dying to see what all my neighbours from home down the country make of it. I know one of them refused to go to our other neighbour's gay wedding last year (and wouldn't let his family go either) so he'll be spitting out his pint anyway

Well it would be highly unusual to have a husband/wife/partner of a bridesmaid or grooms man at the top table so it may raise a few eye brows regardless.

Big Bag of Chips

missmatty wrote: »

he'll be spitting out his pint anyway

Will he? How will he know? Unless attention is drawn to it. I've been to a few weddings and other than knowing the bridesmaids/groomsmen were siblings/friends of the bride and groom I wouldn't know anything beyond that about them. So drawing attention to the marital status or sexuality of the bridal party would seem like drawing attention to it, for the sake of drawing attention to it!

I was chief bridesmaid and my husband was groomsman at the same wedding, nobody cared!

ToeNail

It's small town mentality I'm afraid. My brother told me he'd rather I didn't bring a same sex date to his wedding as it "might embarrass Dad".

missmatty

BBOC, there won't be any attention drawn to it on our part for sure. The bridesmaid will be assisting me on the day and as her wife is a totally sound person she will be also be engaged in helping me and the bridal party as needed, and that's the only reason I think that anyone might notice her. Sorry if I sounded flippant in my post.

stargazer 68

OP if it was me I would be telling my sister to cop on - but then you may not have that kind of relationship with her. No one - especially her - is going to notice who you are sitting with on the day!

As for anyone thinking you are in a relationship - so what - they will get over it! My 94 yr old granny was a witness at my cousins same sex marriage and loved our humanist ceremony - life is too short for that nonsense!

Big Bag of Chips

missmatty wrote: »

The bridesmaid will be assisting me on the day and as her wife is a totally sound person she will be also be engaged in helping me and the bridal party as needed, and that's the only reason I think that anyone might notice her.

Will the partners of the other bridal party members be at the top table too? If so, nobody will probably take any notice. It'll just be another table. If she's the only non-bridal party member at the top table it will be very obvious!

missmatty

Yes, the best man and his partner and my brother and his girlfriend will be there as well as us with one parent each. Top table is down in the middle of the room so people are not up on a pedestal for anyone to look at. I would never draw attention to them and we have a fair few same-sex couples attending.

Calhoun

Seems quite odd to give a plus one and then dictate the sex you can bring. I definitely would be put out OP, i know its your sisters wedding at all but why give you the plus one at all?

The whole wedding thing really brings out strange in some people.

I brought my best mate to a wedding one time, we arent gay i just wanted to get drunk with some friendly company.

freshpopcorn

Is your sister and mother conservative?

DellyBelly

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Is your sister and mother conservative?

What the hell difference does her political leanings make to this. She may be a Labour or even a UKIP supporter but I can't see why you'd ask that

Hrududu

DellyBelly wrote: »

What the hell difference does her political leanings make to this. She may be a Labour or even a UKIP supporter but I can't see why you'd ask that

conservative
kənˈsəːvətɪv/
adjective
1.
averse to change or innovation and holding traditional values.
"they were very conservative in their outlook"
synonyms: traditionalist, traditional, conventional, orthodox, stable, old-fashioned, dyed-in-the-wool, unchanging, hidebound; More

Neyite

DellyBelly wrote: »

What the hell difference does her political leanings make to this. She may be a Labour or even a UKIP supporter but I can't see why you'd ask that

This is an Irish website.

The poster was asking if the two were conservative people not supporters of the Conservative Party in the UK.

lyza

moonage wrote:

Yeah, a +1 is your Other Half, not some friend.

WRONG. If you have an oh then the invite is for Mary and Johnny. If they don't know your ohs name then its Mary and Partner. The +1 is for people who don't have a partner or oh . A +1 is for people on their own to bring someone they feel comfortable with to enjoy help them enjoy the day . And not have to spend it trying to find someone to talk and dance with. And that +1 can be male or female

Big Bag of Chips

As the OP hasn't been back to the thread in some time we will lock it.