think friend is a taker

LegacyUser

I am male 40's and have female friend same age not GF. Often she asks me to help her in her work. Her work needs some of my skills. I do it free as she is a friend. Now I am ill and needed her to help me with something. She said can't do sorry. I accept it may have been difficult to do but not impossible. i would havedone it for her as she is a friend.

So i think she is a taker and selfish and is will not do any more free work for her. If she asks again i will say i am charging the rate i would charge others

Am i right to do this?

Airyfairy12

Usually people help others because they want too, not because theyre expecting something in return. What did you ask her to help you with and why couldnt she do it? Was she genuinely very busy/incapable or was it a very big ask from you? How is she in regards to other areas of your friendship?

Mr. Incognito

Depends what you asked

LegacyUser

I would weight up what you asked her to do for you? Was it going to cost her much time or money? Have you helped her out much in the past? Have she been their when you needed help in the past?
Could you go to her for advice and she would tell what you needed to hear even if she know you would find this hard to listen to?
Does she only contact you when she needs help re her job?

Over the years I have lost some friends. I realised that they would find me when they were at a lose end or needed someone to go out with on a Sat night. I then had to listen to how great their lives were when my own was far from good at times. I was decent in regards to time to the time and money I spent on them. It took me time to realise that they were not the same with me. I just found that I was not willing to ring or text them. I was no longer willing to make an effort when they made so little effort for me.

taken1

i helped her because i wanted to and did not expect anything. what i asked was not big really, a bit inconvenient but i would have done it for her. yes she asked me for a lot of thing. and i never asked her for anything till now and it it important related to health. So i have decided to stay away from her and she can pay someone if she wants the work in future

she would come to me and put her crap on me too. her problems. but not be very interested in mine. ebe the work she wanted had to be done when it suited her andshe would not return calls until it did and then want it immediately

taken1

note taken1 is op i had t register could not post otherwise. am at work, not sure how computers work do not know anything about computers

Big Bag of Chips

You sound pretty annoyed with her. I think if you put yourself out for her regularly then it is only fair to assume she'd help you if called on. Without much specific details though it's hard to say for certain. Some people are the kind of people who will tie themselves in knots to help others. Sometimes to the detriment of their own lives and families. Other people will happily help, if it suits them. Others just won't ever do anything for anyone.

It's upsetting if you're they type of person who will always help someone, and rarely ask for something in return to then be refused when you do ask for help.

You don't have to help her. You can say no when she asks. You can tell her you haven't time. You can tell her you'll be able to do it, but you have other things that need to be done and you'll have to charge her the going rate. It can be awkward to charge friends, especially if money has never changed hands before, but if you're doing work for her, for free, that she is then being paid for through her work then I think it isn't working to ask for payment from her.

But, if you're figuring out that your friendship is only based on you doing things for her then it might be time to step back.

rondog

Unless you give details and put some context to your issue its hard for people to give opinions on it.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Some good advice that a friends mother gave me was never expect someone to do for you what you'd do for them. You can't expect others to have a heart as big as yours, or be as kind as you are, or think the same as you. You can certainly learn from it and assess whether you want to be there as a friend for her in the future but just because you would do it, doesn't mean it's reasonable to expect her to do it

banoffe2

Mind yourself OP and set new boundaries with your friend, you can suit yourself just like your so called friend is doing, tough love they call it.

They say one must give with an open hand but to be taken for granted and not appreciated is not a nice feeling, I have had similar experience with a friend where I do all the giving, I know that I am in a better place as this person has a mental illness, she always says I am going to treat you, but the treats never come!! Then the phone calls with all the issues and ranting about their family members etc, I am getting wiser all the time and sometimes I just say I cant go there with you, or just not answer the phone as I don't want anyone to take advantage of my good nature, there has to be a bit of give and take, for a friendship to be healthy.

If you were there for your friend and then reached out for a bit of help with an illness problem and there was nothing coming back it is bound to hurt you, I can understand that, I think some people are users and self serving, we learn every day, its like our expectations can let us down, like going to the Butcher shop for a bottle of shampoo!!

Glenster

Helping someone professionally is different to helping someone with something serious around an illness.

bee06

Glenster wrote: »

Helping someone professionally is different to helping someone with something serious around an illness.

I would think a real friend would be more inclined to help someone who was dealing with a serious illness than something work related.

Glenster

bee06 wrote: »

I would think a real friend would be more inclined to help someone who was dealing with a serious illness than something work related.

Agreed, but there are dozens of people I'd help with a work thing and only a few I'd get involved with an illness-related affair.

sporina

taken1 wrote: »

i helped her because i wanted to and did not expect anything. what i asked was not big really, a bit inconvenient but i would have done it for her. yes she asked me for a lot of thing. and i never asked her for anything till now and it it important related to health. So i have decided to stay away from her and she can pay someone if she wants the work in future

she would come to me and put her crap on me too. her problems. but not be very interested in mine. ebe the work she wanted had to be done when it suited her andshe would not return calls until it did and then want it immediately

from this post it sounds like she is not a friend to you - like you said that she is not interested in you - she puts "her crap" on you..
it sounds all very one sided - and that is not a good friendship - its not good for you.
if i am right here then I think that you are better off without..

don't mention money with regards helping her.. just say you don't have time...

you need to be assertive - sounds like you have some assertiveness - you just need to believe in yourself..

taken1

Helping someone professionally is different to helping someone with something serious around an illness.

It was not medical work or advice i asked for. What i asked for also i said i would cover the cost of it would have taken her a couple hours.It may have been a little inconvenient but something i would do for someone

nothing wrong with my assertivess. I only did it to help her. if she phones again she may learn about how assertive i can be i got a text to thank me for the latest work as she is happy with it. i ignored the text and won't be doing any more to help her. I did not get a reply to an email i sent because that is not to her advantage. If there was something she wanted, some gain for her, in the favour i asked she would do it.

taken1

other friends have avoide her as she puts her crap on everyone. and then when all her crap is dumped on the she goes. I gave her a chance that is all