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Time to look for help

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  • 07-05-2017 2:53am
    #1
    Paranoid Bob
    Registered Users Posts: 121 ✭✭


    My mother died in February this year not long after a cancer diagnosis.
    We'd lived together for almost the past twenty years, since my parents split, my younger brother died and I bought the house instead of having it caught up in the separation and divorce.
    So for the best part of the last twenty years we'd have a chat almost every evening about the events of the day.

    Now more than two months after she is gone I'm awake at 3am, crying, lonely and missing the chance to talk about it. I think it is time to go to the GP on Monday.

    Why does that feel like a defeat, or a weakness?


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    #2
    LynnGrace
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,347 ✭✭✭LynnGrace


    I'm so sorry for your loss.

    It's not a weakness, it's the complete opposite in fact. It's one of the hardest and also the bravest things to do, in my opinion, to make that first step. So please do go to your GP. They will be able to help.

    Take care.


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    #3
    Erik Shin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,721 ✭✭✭Erik Shin


    It's neither a defeat, nor weakness....it's a reaction to losing the person you loved most in the world and you are having trouble processing your grief and the reality of your mum being gone.
    ...it doesn't sound like you have any close family members...which makes the grieving that much harder if you can't share...Go to your GP...explain it all to him or her...and they will help and put you in touch with a grief counselor......look after yourself and I hope you find some peace


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    #4
    Tauriel
    Registered Users Posts: 30,444 ✭✭✭✭Tauriel


    I'm so so sorry for your loss.

    I was in a similar position when my mother passed from cancer two years ago. It took me nearly a year to realise that I had not handled her death well. I would start crying all of a sudden, I felt very lonely and I stopped eating.

    Going to my GP was the best thing that I did. Also, consider going to a bereavement councillor. If your mother passed in a hospice, they should have a free bereavement support for family members.

    It does get easier, it may not seem like it now, but it does.

    I wish you all the best.


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    #5
    JillyQ
    Registered Users Posts: 2,382 ✭✭✭JillyQ


    I was in the same position as you last July when my dad passed away. I worked with dad for almost 30yrs so I can understand completely how it feels when a family member you have had contact with daily passes away. After about 2 months I went for counselling it worked well for me. But it is only almost 10 months on that I have really started to deal with it. I still get weepy from time to time, when that happens I try to think about some of the funny things that happened with us.


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    #6
    Ghekko
    Closed Accounts Posts: 942 ✭✭✭Ghekko


    My heart goes out to you. There's nothing weak about needing to talk and seek a little help to get you through a very tough time. My Dh is getting counselling after the loss of his mum. He reckons I should go as I also lost my mum and dad within the last couple of years. However I think I'll wait til he's been a few times. I'm ok yet but I can feel the cracks gradually starting to happen now. I didn't live with my parents for years but would have chatted to mum almost daily. It's awful thinking I can't do that anymore. I have an ability to put it all out of my mind which I know isn't great but is getting me by for now. Go and see your gp and get a referral for counselling or check out bereavement counsellors or group meetings in your area.


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    #7
    Rubberlegs
    Registered Users Posts: 7,073 ✭✭✭Rubberlegs


    So sorry for your loss, OP. It is definitely not a weakness to seek help, I would highly recommend it. I felt like I was completely losing the plot a couple of months after Dad died and went for counselling at the local cancer support centre. The relief of talking to someone removed from the situation was immense and was the start of beginning to heal for me.


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    #8
    Stopped Clock
    Closed Accounts Posts: 50 ✭✭Stopped Clock


    Ah Bob. I hope you're feeling better now. I'm trying to work up the courage to ring the counselling service that's offered to employees in my company. My mum died last year after a long battle with Alzheimer's. I think I numbed myself so much that it's only hitting me now. I've been crying a lot lately and am feeling very lonely and low. I even broke down in front of my boss recently when he pulled me up over something minor :o I'm a little afraid of what I'm going to unleash once I start talking but I need to do something to change things.


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    #9
    LynnGrace
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,347 ✭✭✭LynnGrace


    Aww Stopped Clock do it. It's hard to make that first step, picking up the phone to make that call, but I would say go for it. I can only imagine that you mourned the loss of your mam to Alzheimer's, and now the true loss is really hitting you. It's an incredibly cruel way to lose a loved one.

    It sounds like you need to talk, and get things out of your system, which is what a counsellor can help with.
    Take care of yourself.


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    #10
    Keano12345
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭Keano12345


    Heart goes out to you. Sending positive light. I just moved here to Dublin. My mom who is my best friend has cancer. Terminal. She was coming to live with me this year in LA. I'll be honest, I can't imagine her gone. I read what you wrote and fully understand.

    I have been to years of therapy on and off. I think everyone on earth could do with a year of it. Nothing to be ashamed off. Do whatever it takes. Have you thought about doing something unlike you? Planning a trip somewhere to force yourself in a different environment? Bucket list. Wishing you well I'm looking at places to talk to now for suppport.


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    #11
    Paranoid Bob
    Registered Users Posts: 121 ✭✭Paranoid Bob


    Belatedly I'm coming back to this thread. Thank you all for the kind words and support.

    So far I have to say there are no good days, but there are fewer bad days and that is a good thing. There is no defeat in looking for help and support. It is the right thing to do.


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    #12
    Lucuma
    Registered Users Posts: 1,356 ✭✭✭Lucuma


    I'm very sorry for your loss Bob. I lost my father 1.5yrs ago (god feels so weird writing that!) and I recently went for bereavement counselling for the first time, I've signed up for 6 sessions in total. It's draining and it's hard but it's also very healthy. We shouldn't have to pay someone to listen to us and let us cry for an hour but that's just the way it is.
    Even if you have many family members, friends and people close to you a counsellor is still different. They are outside the situation, impartial and not emotionally attached to the situation. They have no agenda. They can look objectively at things. That's why their advice is helpful.


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    #13
    Stopped Clock
    Closed Accounts Posts: 50 ✭✭Stopped Clock


    Update. I'm finally going for counselling this week. I should have gone months ago but it is hard to pick up the phone and dial that number. I am both hopeful and scared at the same time. I bottle things up and I know I am going to make an eejit out of myself with all the crying I will be doing. It has to be done because I am worried I'm sinking into depression.


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    #14
    LynnGrace
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,347 ✭✭✭LynnGrace


    Well done for making that phone call. It isn't easy at all. Don't worry about crying. Counsellors are well used to that. I hope that you find the counselling really helpful to you.

    Take care.


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    #15
    Ghekko
    Closed Accounts Posts: 942 ✭✭✭Ghekko


    Stopped Clock wrote: »
    Update. I'm finally going for counselling this week. I should have gone months ago but it is hard to pick up the phone and dial that number. I am both hopeful and scared at the same time. I bottle things up and I know I am going to make an eejit out of myself with all the crying I will be doing. It has to be done because I am worried I'm sinking into depression.

    Don't worry about crying - counsellor will be well used to it. Dh made his counsellor cry when telling his story :eek:


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    #16
    Rubberlegs
    Registered Users Posts: 7,073 ✭✭✭Rubberlegs


    Stopped Clock wrote: »
    Update. I'm finally going for counselling this week. I should have gone months ago but it is hard to pick up the phone and dial that number. I am both hopeful and scared at the same time. I bottle things up and I know I am going to make an eejit out of myself with all the crying I will be doing. It has to be done because I am worried I'm sinking into depression.

    Well done, Stopped Clock, you won't regret this. This will be the beginning of getting back to yourself. You will not make an eejit of yourself by crying, use this as your opportunity to let it all out. Now you can begin to heal. Best of luck :)


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