What to do.....advice please

368100

Not a major dilemma in the grand scheme of things but I'm at odds on what to do.

In June I have a work charity thing on a Sunday. I'm not long in the place and it'll be a great way to meet new people....plus they've given me one of the organisational jobs in it......others doing the same are very senior managers.....things like this do great things for career so I'm chuffed and looking forward to it.

Now I've found out that blessing of graves is on same day at the same time. My mam passed away 5 years ago and we all go every year, I normally do food in the house afterward (plenty of others there to do that if I'm not there)

My father is the one I'm worried about.....he's given the silent treatment for a lot less than this and it can go on months. He's not in any way reasonable so no point in talking to him about it. I'll be expected to go and do food afterwards.....nobody misses it, I even had surgery one year and went a few days later and I've never missed anything before.

Now there is a part of me that will feel a lititle guilty for not going to blessing of the graves but I really feel that although not ideal, it's just one year to miss and it's for good reason.

Am I being selfish to want to do the work thing or making a mountain out of a molehill.....only for my father is probably wouldn't be stressing over it so much....advice please?

Dial Hard

368100 wrote:

Am I being selfish to want to do the work thing or making a mountain out of a molehill.....only for my father is probably wouldn't be stressing over it so much....advice please?

No, it's not selfish. Do the work thing, remember your mother in your own way and let your father sulk all he wants.

freshpopcorn

I'd do the work thing probably to be honest.
Theirs plenty of things you can prepare in advance if you did feel like you had to do food!

Ursus Horribilis

If your mum was asked for her opinion, she'd probably tell you not to be so silly and to go do the work thing. I've no doubt you'll be thinking of her on the day anyway and you don't need to be standing by her grave to remember her. What you'll find as the years roll on is that different family members will be giving it a miss anyway. You're not being selfish by going to this and you're not wrong. And as has been pointed out, if you feel you still want to do something tangible, there's other things you can do. Best of luck with the charity do.

368100

Thanks folks......will be doing the work thing and makes me feel better that others would do same.

I'll be the first out of the clan over the 5 years to miss something but ye are right...she can be remembered in my own way....and not like it's her anniversary. ...I think that'd be a different story.

Ghekko

Definitely do the work thing. Your dad will have to get over himself and your siblings should step up and do the food. You've surely done your bit over the few years. Don't even bring it up with him til nearer the time so you don't have to put up with the silent treatment longer than necessary. And have your siblings told that they will be doing the food by then so that your dad can't complain about it.

Big Bag of Chips

I would tell your dad a little white lie if it comes to it. Tell him you have to go to work that day. There's something specific on, training/drill/demonstration whatever and all staff have to be present. Keep it vague, but let their be no doubt that attendance is optional.

He may sulk, and he may not be too impressed but as the years go on there will be things cropping up at various times that mean other family members may not always be able to attend either. It just so happens you're the first.

368100

Just thought I'd give an update. So there was no point in lying as the work charity thing was going to be all over Facebook etc and my siblings were going to see it and likely tell my dad so it was best to be honest.

I sorted food for the family and prepared as much as I could before I left that morning. ...siblings were OK about the whole thing.

But its Week 3 of the silent treatment from himself and I'm guessing it'll go on for another while yet...until he needs something that only I can do for him.

On a more positive note, we raised over 100k for charity so I'm glad I did it and would make the same decision again.

gline

368100 wrote: »

But its Week 3 of the silent treatment from himself and I'm guessing it'll go on for another while yet...until he needs something that only I can do for him.

He really needs to cop on, thats no way for an adult to act. Does he do this to other people aswell, when things dont go his way?

Ghekko

Oh dear. I'm sure your mum would be proud of the fundraiser. Let him stew on and no doubt he'll come round soon.

RhubarbCrumble

You're weren't being selfish at all OP. Your father is the selfish one. If he's giving you the cold shoulder then that's his problem. Just ignore him. He sounds like a childish attention seeker. Next time he needs something that only you can do for him, tell him to whistle.
Well done on all the money raised.

LegacyUser

What is it about some people? If passive aggressiveness and sulking were Olympic sports my father would win medals. Like you my mum is dead and dealing with my father can be a headache. He doesn't do silent treatment thank god but he's so difficult to deal with he drives me mad at times. I don't have any advice for you but I wanted to let you know you're not alone. I've no doubt that if I miss cemetery Sunday some year he'll be like an antichrist. I've long since accepted that he's always going to be a difficult man so I don't expect anything from him. It makes me sad sometimes but that's who he is. I get the impression you're in the same boat.