Is it me or them?

ToeNail

I keep ending up in sexual relationships with guys who are either married or in a committed relationship and at this stage I am wondering is it them or me? Firstly. This is not something I seek. Like many others these days I find apps the only productive ways to actually meet guys, and despite not suggesting this, any dates tend to go sexual very quickly.
To be honest, I'm okay with that, but the last few guys I've met are involved with others and only want to meet me for sex and little else. I get late night booty texts but never any further requests for an actual date. I've met some really great guys but unfortunately they tend to be happier to stay in their relationships but still keep me as their "bit on the side". I'm getting so disillusioned recently and wondering is my situation unusual? Or have others been in similar situations with online dating?

PCX

It's you.

If you don't want to be just a bit on the side stop going out on dates and having sex with men in relationships.

ToeNail

PCX wrote: »

It's you.

If you don't want to be just a bit on the side stop going out on dates and having sex with men in relationships.

Sorry, I should have clarified. With the last two guys, I didn't know they were in relationships when we first met.

GingerLily

How soon do you usually sleep with them?
What are your dates usually like when you first meet them?

Airyfairy12

"I've met some really great guys but unfortunately they tend to be happier to stay in their relationships"

Great guys dont cheat on their partners, stop sleeping with men in relationships.

njs030

There's nothing wrong with having sex early on if you have no expectations of more, but you do want more so perhaps stop doing that.
Go on a few dates and get to know each other and then see if you want to get more intimate. Someone looking for a relationship generally doesn't start with late night booty calls BTW.

It's you that chooses to keep acting the same way so you can't really blame it on online dating or the men you choose, change how you do things to weed out the messers!

silverharp

are you in your 20's or 30's? , if you are older it might be down to the pool of guys being smaller so you are more likely to run into players or if you're younger are you picking guys that are out of your league as girl friend material? its a sure way to get played. Or else dont let your dates "go sexual very quickly" , Ideally try meet men in the real world , everyone tends to be a bit more reasonable.

Cupcake_Crisis

As soon as you find out these men are in relationships you should be running a mile!

LegacyUser

ToeNail wrote: »

Sorry, I should have clarified. With the last two guys, I didn't know they were in relationships when we first met.

So only with the last two, meaning that with previous guys, you knew but got involved anyway. And even with the last two, you didn't know when you first met them but presumably knew as things went on that they were involved elsewhere, but carried on anyway. I'll be honest, I don't know how you can even ask a question about this. They are dicks, but you're inviting this treatment. The same as everyone else, the only thing all your relationships in life have in common is you and looking for answers beyond your own behaviour is absolutely pointless until you change what you're doing.

Bambi985

Yeah agreed with the above - why would you entertain some guy who's got a girlfriend/wife? The early signs of that would send most people running.

As others have mentioned - stop sleeping with men on the first few dates. If a guy doesn't stick around because you refuse to hop into bed with him straight away, he's not interested in a relationship. If you want a relationship, invest the time in getting to know someone and seeing if they're a decent match in those early days of dating.

theoldbreed

Sleep with men as early as you wish, that's your choice and more power to you. However, knowingly sleeping with married men or men in relationships is a different kettle of fish. I've been that girlfriend, the man is to blame and you are too. Have some self respect. You don't just happen to find married men, it's a choice you're making. I'd suggest looking outside of an app to find someone.

Daisy78

silverharp wrote: »

are you in your 20's or 30's? , if you are older it might be down to the pool of guys being smaller so you are more likely to run into players or if you're younger are you picking guys that are out of your league as girl friend material? its a sure way to get played.

From what I've read in the OP it sounds like these guys are anything but league material themselves, although they might fancy themselves as a catch. Decent men don't cheat on their wives or girlfriends. Simple as.

Online dating is a minefield. And it can be difficult to sort the sleazebag good for nothing wasters from the genuine guys. But then that happens in the real world also. How much time are you giving over to getting to know these guys? Do you talk about your interests and hobbies. Do you go on dates or is it a case of a quick meetup in a pub once or twice and then to bed? If so that would raise alarm bells with me. I do sympathise, I don't think you are intentionally ending up with these men but you may inadvertently be sending out a message that you are "game on" without intending to. Make these men work for your attention, set higher standards for yourself and make sure you communicate that upfront. The guys interested in a bit on the side will give up fairly quickly if they don't there isn't an easy win there for them.

njs030

Guessed wrote: »

So only with the last two, meaning that with previous guys, you knew but got involved anyway. And even with the last two, you didn't know when you first met them but presumably knew as things went on that they were involved elsewhere, but carried on anyway. I'll be honest, I don't know how you can even ask a question about this. They are dicks, but you're inviting this treatment. The same as everyone else, the only thing all your relationships in life have in common is you and looking for answers beyond your own behaviour is absolutely pointless until you change what you're doing.

I didn't catch that. Ignore my earlier post!

neverever1

If you're just after sex then does it really matter if they're in a relationship or not? If you're not then obviously it matters. Maybe get to know the men you meet for a bit first. 2 dates at least and you should get to know them better.

Wafflepie

I'm sorry but for me, reading your posts makes it seem like you're looking for sympathy and advice for your crap relationships. But as you go on you mention how you only knew "some" of the men were married or in relationships. Now they're dicks, but it's just as trashy that you continued to sleep with them. You mention getting late night bootie calls. That's what you portray yourself as, you let them know you're down for whatever when you know they're already partnered off. I don't mean to be offensive but if you haven't already, I hope you're not on the otherside of the cheating partner. Because you're the type of person that helps encourage it. The problem is you, not necessarily the dating sites. Why not be single for a while to find yourself? Take some "me" time.

leggo

OP I'm not going to moralise or judge you about your sexual decisions. It's 2017 and thank god we're at a stage where doing so is no longer acceptable. Your body, your call, good luck to you and it's refreshing to see someone be so honest here.

However, the reality is: you're not happy with the results these decisions have made. So if you're not happy with the results, the simple answer is to change the decisions somehow. Try something different, put simply. What that is? Well if I could tell you how to fix your love life in general I'd be a millionaire because every single one of us is trying to figure that one out. But what I can say is to not beat yourself up. We're all winging it. We all try one direction, see it's not getting us where we want, try another, and keep going until we find some kind of happy situation. And I don't think that ever stops, even once your happily married, until you're old and grey. It's a constant process and happiness is like a fire that needs to be constantly kindled and will face different elements as time goes on, so just try different things, learn to enjoy the process and don't beat yourself up along the way.

jimmytwotimes 2013

Dating sites are known for a few things. They're a good way to meet people in modern ireland but there are a number of catches.

People lie about age, looks and relationship status.

Time spent chatting with a person online means you feel connected to them more quickly and things are known to get sexual more quickly when people actually physically meet.

Men and women know this so it's actually a quick way to get laid.

A lot of people on these sites are bored in their relationships and will lie about it to have a sexual encounter.

There are also some honest people on online dating sites but a lot of horny chancers.

So go on these dates with your eyes open.

I would suggest trying to join a gym, do a night class, meet people at a parkrun volunteering or whatever. People are less able to lie to your face in the early stages.

Best of luck.

SarahMollie

Obviously its them (as they are the ones actively cheating) but it is also you, as you are the one with a pattern and a problem here. You can't hope to change those men, all yu can change is your own behavior and what you find acceptable from others. Men who are determined to play away will do so, but it doesn't have to be repeatedly with you.

It sounds to me like your process for finding a partner is fundamentally flawed. You're very accepting of certain behaviors as normal or at least normal to you, whereby in my experience they're absolutely not, but thats down largely to the fact that I wouldn't tolerate any nonsense, and have a good radar for men who I perceive to be chancers/BS merchants etc and don't entertain them.

A potential reason for this is that I value myself quite highly. I'm not some egotist but at the same time I think I can see clearly that I'm a decent catch and a nice person, so I would expect the same in a potential partner. I've not encountered the situations you've described, but I don't think thats any accident. I come across as confident and secure, so I don't think I'm much of a target for a man looking for an affair. Honestly - how do you feel about yourself and how do you think others perceive you?

You should maybe think of getting some help to become more secure in yourself and work on your self worth. If you can learn to believe that you deserve better, maybe the next time you come across of of these men, you'll have the self belief to tell him to get stuffed.