Ex getting under my skin

Gonecraycray

I am having ridiculous thoughts the last few weeks. Went I was in my late teens I dated a guy for a few years. We had known each other since we were in primary school so since we were maybe 8/9. Lost touch and got back talking in our teens and dated on and off for a few years. Everyone thought this was very romantic. While he was nice to me at times he was mostly not very nice to me.

He would tell me I wore too much make up, that I should try be smarter, that different features on my face were horrible, he cheated on me (three times), dumped me numerous times, would give out to me because I never told him I loved him.  Basically he was manipulating and horrible, but to be honest I was still completely infatuated with him. We split when I was about 21 and him 23 and I met someone else. I am with that someone else ever since (15 years, married 6)

Anyway he came up in my recommendations on facebook recently and I am a seriously nosey person so couldn’t help myself taken a look. For some reason it really bugged me what I seen. He has a wife who is stunning, naturally beautiful. Eastern European so she has beautiful skin, hair. Looks like she works in some top medical position…. I couldn’t help myself I kept reading. She speaks 3 languages, plays violin, works with animal rescue companies, has a cake baking company. I don’t know why it made me angry but it did, I feel like she has no clue who she is with. I know its nothing to do with me but its just been playing on my mind since. Seeing that they live in the same county as us now I have become somewhat paranoid of bumping into them and giving him a laugh because while I have been successful in my own right I feel like I am exactly what he thought I would be which is nothing spectacular.

Mr. Incognito

You need to block your ex and his wife and stay away from social media.

For all you know she could be miserable.

Equally they could be very happy.

Either way it's 15 years later. The person you knew is long since gone and has changed immensely.

Get over it and perhaps seek some form of Counselling for those feelings of inadequacy.

dar100

Just get on with your life op!! No need to be putting yourself through any of this!!

It's really not important in the bigger picture

Airyfairy12

People change. You were both young, the person he was then isnt the person he is today. Just be happy for him that he grew up and sorted himself out and you focus on your own happiness. Block him if you need to.

Bambi985

She may well be a raging b1tch who is making him feel all sorts of inadequate himself and is making his life hell. Or maybe she's lovely but boring, no personality, nothing to say for herself. He might have grown up and learned how to treat women, or he might be the same nightmare he always was and they live in misery together, bound by their own insecurities.

Who knows. That's the lie of social media. You never know. I'm sure your facebook profile shows you in a sunny light, smiley and happy and glamorous and doing something you love with a wonderful family. That's what we do on facebook, we embellish and we mask who we really are.

I'd also advise blocking him and her and moving on with your life. Or better yet, logging off altogether. Focus on your real life and count your blessings for getting away from that nightmare of a relationship and finding a better man to build a life with.

silverharp

I don't think anyone should hope that someone else's life is horrible just because of some history you had, it means you are getting off on an negative emotion, live your own life. Chances are OP you are probably a bit angry yourself as you clearly let yourself be walked over at the time. But also clearly you have moved on and learned from it so appreciate that.

Cupcake_Crisis

I'm not the same person I was in my teens, he probably isn't either. And most people but their best face forward on social media, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors

At the end of the day, when you go snooping on an ex you have to accept the fact that you might not like what you see.

nhunter100

Unlikely he is the same person he was over 15 years ago. I would suggest you get on with your life and stay out of his.

Gonecraycray

Though I agree he is probably not the same person he was at 23 when he was telling me I had a "face like a witch" he was not 11 years old either and he knew what he was doing!

To be honest I suspect a lot of my self esteem issues relate to him and I think maybe I am just angry that I let myself be treated like that and that he was so controlling of me and made me feel bad for wearing make up or not being good enough.

Airyfairy12

Its fairly common to go through toxic and unhealthy relationships when youre young, ive had my fair share but you learn from these experiences and tbh im happy to see my ex's have grown up and treat women better now than they treated me, maybe they learned from their mistakes like ive learned from mine. Holding onto that resentment and still feeling hard done by all these years later while wishing failure and negativity on your ex is really very unhealthy. If youre still affected by something that happened 15 years ago then you need to talk to a professional.

Gonecraycray

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Its fairly common to go through toxic and unhealthy relationships when youre young, ive had my fair share but you learn from these experiences and tbh im happy to see my ex's have grown up and treat women better now than they treated me, maybe they learned from their mistakes like ive learned from mine. Holding onto that resentment and still feeling hard done by all these years later while wishing failure and negativity on your ex is really very unhealthy. If youre still affected by something that happened 15 years ago then you need to talk to a professional.

It never occurred to me until I came across him online. I didn't know anything about him. I don't think I said anywhere that I wish bad on him, I think I wish that he apologised for how he treated me or acknowledged it in some way which I know he never ever would even admit to it!

Big Bag of Chips

How do you know she doesn't know the person she's married to? I'd say she knows the ins and outs of him better than anyone. How do you know they are blissfully happy? Because Facebook told you? My friend and her husband are hanging on by a thread. Together 'for the kids'. They barely speak to each other anymore. To look at her Facebook with him tagged in all photos of the kids and enjoying 'family days out' you'd think they're picture perfect.

You have NO idea. None. Chances are if he popped up in your suggested people he had already looked you up. If they're that content why is he looking you up?

Block him, block her and get on with your own life. Nobodies relationship is perfect. Regardless of what we tell Facebook!

freshpopcorn

People change OP. They can be in Toxic relationship and when their situation changes they relieve how they were in the wrong and they change.

Ursus Horribilis

While I don't think you should leave Facebook, you should definitely block your ex and his wife so that they don't show up again. Hopefully as time moves on you will feel less rattled about this.

It's unfortunate that you got into this toxic relationship with your ex but how great you're not in it any more! All you have to do is look back through the history of this forum and you'll see posts from people who didn't get away for years. Or worse still are still in these toxic relationships, often with children to boot. You got away from this man without being tied forever to him by children or property. You then went on to meet your husband. I hope you love him and have a happy marriage. You barely mentioned him or your married life in all of this which makes me wonder a little.

As has been already mentioned, Facebook isn't real life. People aren't going to be telling you that they only have a fiver left in their wallet until payday, that they're going through a bottle of wine every night or that they're fighting like cats and dogs with their partner. You don't know anything about what goes on under your ex's roof. If he's still the unpleasant ape he was when you knew him all those years ago, then what good is being Mrs Perfect going to be for his wife? She might look like she has it all but if he's undermining her, it's not going to be worth a thing, is it? On the other hand, if he has changed as a person he'll regret how he treated you.

You can't change the past but you can do something about your own life. Are you happy with it or is there anything you can do to improve things? It might help you if you put your energy into that or doing some things with your husband, rather than beating yourself up over people you don't know a thing about .