Can't cope with conflict

LegacyUser

This is a serious problem of mine, and it's only in recent weeks that I've realised how much of an issue it actually is.

I'm just terrified of confrontation. I can't cope with it.
Even just seeing someone's face express anger/frustration/annoyance at me can f*ck with my head for days.

On the rare occasions that I am actually dealing with confrontation, my heart beats like crazy, I start shaking, my voice quivers, I fumble my words and just go completely blank and can't think at all.

I avoid confrontation as much as possible. I rarely contribute to group conversations in case someone will do something as simple as disagree with me. I'm kind of a "Yes-man". I think I try too much to be nice/polite at all times. I can't stand up for myself at all. I can't even do the friendly banter thing because I'm so worried about upsetting people. I'm easily intimated by people who I perceive as very confident.

This is not a way to live a life. But I have no idea where to even start to improve on this.
I'm sure I have a long road ahead of me, but if anyone out there has experienced a similar issue I'd love to hear what helped you overcome this problem. Your advice will not be taken for granted.
Thank you.

Another day

I can totally relate to your situation. Like you I have avoided conflict all my life. I put it down to growing up in an abusive home and needing to keep my mouth shut to save me getting into trouble.

Slowly over the past year I have offered opinions, taken a stance that normally I would let ride. And do you know what...it's ok to have a different opinion to others, to contradict someone. However when you do, take a deep breath and back your opinion up.

Don't be a doormat!

If you are afraid of speaking up maybe try a visit or two to a public speaking group like Toastmasters (mods hope its ok to post that!). They will give you the skills to talk about anything anywhere. Don't let yourself sit in the corner observing the world, be part of it.

Ursus Horribilis

I wonder would assertiveness training help? There seems to be a lot of courses out there in this. I've no idea which ones are any good of course but perhaps it's an option to look into.

Teyla Emmagan

So you have confidence issues I suppose. Both the Toastmasters and the Assertiveness training are great ideas. They will both teach you to express your opinion in front of people and that it can be done without being aggressive or confrontational. Your opinion is as valid as anyone else's, you shouldn't be afraid to express it. But if you have a lifetime of habit to get over it can be difficult. Take baby steps. Get a volunteering role where you have to lead people perhaps, and deal with their objections (the nature of leadership!). You don't have to change who you are overnight but if you do or say one thing differently everyday you will get there.

macnug

As well as all the good suggestions above what about joining a local Martial arts club? Can do wonders for mental as well as physical confidence.

manonboard

Hey op. I used to have a big problem with this. I studied and practiced my way through it. If i may suggest the two things that helped me most. It was studying books like 'your erroneous zones' and also codependant books. I realised I was terrified of not having approval due to silent treatment from my family during conflict in my younger years.

The second thing that helped me alot was a ucd course on conflict resolution and meditation. Guy named geoffry taught it. Wonderful course. It really helps refrain conflict into something that is healthy. Its a symptom of unmet needs and shows a way to resolve those needs.

.......

This post has been deleted.

Nichololas

To add on to the post above mine: I have no problem with healthy(ish) conflict resolution, verbal, or physical confrontation, but I do get very panicked when I have to do any public speaking. A couple years of presentations and lecturing at university has drastically reduced the amount of panic I used to experience, but I still go to toastmasters occasionally to try and improve. The point being that through controlled exposure you can learn to manage and overcome these hyperactive fight or flight panic responses in situations where they're not warranted. Rationally I know that getting up and speaking in front of a crowd isn't going to harm me, but for whatever reason my body does think it, and I'm trying to educate it slowly through repeated exposure and 'well it didn't kill you last time' examples.

So find something that brings out this feeling in a safe environment - whether it's assertiveness training, martial arts, debating or busking on Grafton street, and then commit to it for a decent period of time (you probably won't want to do this).
If its physical confrontation you find most troublesome then I recommend trying a martial art with some actual sparring (i.e. confrontation) in it: boxing or muay thai/kickboxing if punch-kicking appeals to you, judo or brazilian jiu-jitsu if grappling (and not getting dinged in the head) appeals to you.

LegacyUser

Thanks a mil for all the feedback guys, it was really helpful and very reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with this.
I took down notes of all the feedback here.

I'm thinking at its core it really just comes down to the confidence thing. I need to improve it so I can just toughening up mentally a bit more, so if I keep on trying bit by bit everyday hopefully it'll all add up in the end.
Thanks again guys, day one of a bit of personal growth starts here.