Feel so low and misunderstood

Violetbuttons

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant. I've been with my fiancé since October 2015. We both wanted a child together and got our wish.

Long story short his family are horrible about me, they've accused me of stealing, controlling him and he's verbally told me how they ring him when he's alone to discuss me, there's also been messages regarding me that he's shown about them slagging me off basically.

He wants me to meet with his family so they can apologise but they've made no effort during the whole of my pregnancy, no messages asking how I am, no apologies for their accusation or behaviour and now he's saying I'm the one in the wrong for blocking them out.

He won't stick up for me, he says he does but he allows his family to send these ****ty messages about me and says nothing to defend me or to stop them from saying what they're saying he just carries on the conversation like it's not even been said about me.

Yesterday he said I was squeezing his hand during an antenatal class and mentioned that I'm terrified, of course I am what does he expect?! He then doesn't understand given the circumstances that I get upset when he suggests on our day off together I don't want him going to see his family I want it to be just us. I don't want to be stuck in the house alone whilst he's with people who are bad mouthing me.

I'm just so fed up and upset, I have literally no friends, nobody I can talk to. I'm off work on the sick. I don't want to burden my family with my issues they have their own.

Sorry this is such a long and ranting post not expecting any replies just want it off my chest 😢

Hormoney1980

It's horrible his family are such jerks. He needs to be protecting you from this at the best of times (should NOT show you messages and should deal with them strongly). Right now it's not the best of times... (you're pregnant, not well, and missing out on social interaction of work) so he needs to up his game! The emotional and physical demands on you right now are huge (from one preggers to another).

I'd try have a calm conversation about it along the lines... "My needs are greater now than before, I'm finding that hard, I could really use your support here". If he can't face confronting his family about this he can at least completely disengage from any conversation started about you and not reply etc.

Hope things improve.

Neyite

He's feeding the drama by coming back to you with all the crap they are saying about you. It's not an in-law problem you have, its a fiancé one.

He should be nipping it in the bud and shutting down when they bad-mouth you. Or walking out when they slag you off. And he should NOT be running back to his pregnant fianceé to give her the latest update in the Hating Violet saga. That's immature and childish and is awful behaviour from a grown man who is about to be a dad. He's in the process of creating a new family with you so he needs to decide where his loyalties lie. Once and for all.

Why should you have to meet them for an apology when they are still sending you both abusive messages? Especially given that he's also laying the blame at your feet?

Do you really want a lifetime of this?

Do you want you to be bad-mouthed and blamed for stuff in front of your child by him and his side of the family? Have a think about what examples you would be showing to him/ her about healthy relationships. Have a think about 5 months from now visiting the in laws and them overriding your wishes for your baby like giving them foods early or other things. As exhausted as you are now, post partum you could very well have no fight left in you to stand up to them - and that's where a supportive partner should come in. They are the buffer that tells the family when to call around (and when to leave!) or reinforces your preferences for your baby. The are the one that fobs off them trying to take your newborn for weekends when you are not ready for that step yet.

Serious talks need to be had.

Big Bag of Chips

They're probably like this about everyone. He's probably grown up his whole life listening to their sht about various people around them. Nice, decent people don't suddenly turn like that over 1 person. It probably doesn't seem like that big a deal to him because it's almost normal for him! It's what he's used to from them. He can't control what they say, but he can absolutely control how much of it you are exposed to. Repeating things back to you? Showing you messages? What's that all about? I'd ask him, actually TELL him to stop that. Tell him you don't want to know.

He probably has some messed up family dynamic where he knows they're wrong, but he still has a shared history and a loyalty to them. That's fine. Let him have his loyalty. You don't! You have no history with them. You have no long standing loyalty. You don't need them in your life.

Is he a good partner? Other than all this stuff? Does he make you feel good about yourself, and safe, and loved? If so then you have to ask him to respect your feelings and not carry stories back from his family. It doesn't achieve anything other than upsetting you. He can continue a relationship with them separate to you, but as Neyite mentioned above, he is now starting a new family. And he cannot favour the feelings of his 'old' family over the feelings of his new one. Counselling might be an option for you both. It might teach him what the boundaries are in a situation like this.

Hannibal_Smith

Talk to your family. You shouldn't feel isolated at a time like this.

December2012

You've got good advice above already, but two other points stuck out for me.

1. It's understandable to be terrified at this stage of pregnancy. I'm sure you'll be okay but I wanted to know you're not alone. Did this upset your partner, or do you feel unlistened to and is THAT what upsets you about this?

2. You say you have no friends. How did that happen? Has your partner isolated you from your friends?

LegacyUser

It is time to tell your partner that your 34 weeks pregnant and that you not fealing well.

I would say to him that it is time he realised that he is going to be a father soon and that he needs to realise that you and the baby are his priority now. Tell him that you don't want him telling you about his families insults towards you. In fact you should be saying to him it is time you stood up for me with them. Tell him I am also getting nasty message from them - ask him would they like the guards informed of this?

Ask him how would you feel if I went into labour now and we had to spend weeks in the hospital with a baby who is to sick to come home?
Tell him this could happen if he continues to let his family treat you and him this way.

Have any of his friends got partners and have babies? I would tell them what is going on as they would give your some support. They would tell him to grow up also.

You said that you don't have any freinds. Did you lose contact with them when you met him? Why don't you make a few calls/texts or send off a few emails to contact them. I would also tell you to contact your family as you should not be left dealing with this on your own.

At this stage you should be able to rest and not be being put under stress as this won't help you or the baby. I hope all goes well with new arrival.