I am my Friend's only Friend

LegacyUser

Hi all

I could go on forever about this situation... so I will bullet point this and hopefully it is more digestable...

- Friend is nearing 40 and I am her only friend
- I am a gay man and she is straight and has no straight/female friends
- She is currently working in a shop but highly educted - has no motivation to get out
- She is living at home with her parents
- She has no hobbies
- She is a virgin and has never had a bf
- Any friends she has had in the past (work included) have disappeared or she has fallen out with them

Because of this, I feel very trapped in. I used to work with this woman and I really enjoy her company but it gets very intense so much so that I feel like she sees me as a stand-in partner. I have suggested her joining clubs (doesn't happen), changing jobs (a few CVs go around - nothing happens), moving out (can't afford it), getting onto Tinder ('I'm too busy with work'), etc.

I usually don't mind but there have been times where if I don't reply to a text I get a good few messages from her and/or a call. My core group of friends don't like her.. not in a bad way but they just find her very draining and have zero common ground.

I like this woman a lot and I don't want to just dump her but I feel very responsible for her and it at times, like the last few days, gets very intense.

Anyone have any advice on this?

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LegacyUser

It is not an easy situation that you are in. I was in a similar position to her a few years ago. One of my freinds said to me at the time I can't always answer the phone or your texts but I will try to reply to you later at night or the next day. They also said to me that they could see I was in a bit of a rut and they advised me to get involved with some groups.

I realised what they said was true. I won't say it was easy going into a new group or meeting new people but I am now in a better position friends and life wise than I was back then.

My feeling is that your friend has got into a bad rut.
I think she is lonely and unhappy. She is leaning on you a lot becuase of this.

The sad thing is that if she continues like this you going to tell her to get lost. I would be very honest with her now and say that needs to make some changes.

- She is living at home. At this stage she should look at moving out even a house share would help her meet new people. My feeling is that she is comfortable at home and is saving a lot of money but what good is money when she has no proper life.
- Hobbies - she needs to have more than home and work. Advise her to look online, the local papers ect. Even a step class, an evening course or joining a gym will get her out a least a night a week.
- Friends - what have your friends said about her - could you put this nice way to her so that she does not make the same mistake again when she meets new people. I could see why she could be very intense if she just has you as a friend.
- boyfriends - she has no experience with men so tinder would not be great for her. Let her join groups and get to know a man as a friend rather than a boyfriend.

Say to her I can't always answer your texts or calls stright away. I would also say to her if she rings or texts you more than once you won't reply to her for a least 24 hours.
You need to set bounderies with her. Your not been mean but you have tried to help her. She has to be willing to help herself now.

Airyfairy12

She could have something like Aspergers which would cause her to have problems with boundaries, motivation and connecting to people, she also could just be very introverted and like things very plain and simple, either way she's not your responsibility. The fact she's still living with her parents, which is understandable to an extent as rent is impossibly high all over the country, it might also show how dependant she is and emotionally stunted. It doesnt seem from your post that she's done much growing up or attempted to take any charge of her life which is sad and surely it must be very lonely for her which could explain her clinginess towards you but again its not your problem, she's the only one who can change herself and youve suggested enough things to her, she shoots down every suggestion with an excuse.

You do need to put some boundaries in place. Either turn your phone off, respond to her message by saying youre busy and you'll contact her later when you have some free time, if she rings you answer and tell her that youd love to chat but youre just about eat or youre busy and will contact her later.

freshpopcorn

Hi OP,
There's lots of people like your friend out their. They end up living at home and tipping along with life. She'll probably end up looking after her parents when they become older. I find people like this often ends up being friends with their or their parents friends.
Honestly I don't really know what advice I can give you OP regarding her situation.
Is she happy? When somebody is that age a lot of the time it's sort of like their afraid to do things because of their age.
The only way I can think you might get her to make new friends would be if you go to some sort of activity with her for a weeks and she might click with somebody.
Regarding the text the only thing I find work with a compulsive texter is to reply saying your busy and you'll contact them later.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for the gold advice - spot on on all accounts. I had an idea where i buy her a voucher for a course or something for her next bday so that might be good?
Thansk again for it - I'm going to try the texting thing and see how I get on.

The_Conductor

OP - I was in a very similar situation to you not so long ago.
I felt I would be pulling the rug out from under my friend- if I tried to tackle it headon- but I found a book on Amazon with wonderful drawings in it- and a very simple story- called 'The Sea Tiger' which addresses just this situation- but from a child's perspective.

If you google 'The Sea Tiger' I'm sure you'll also find other similar type little presents and books- which could be used as props to try and subtley encourage your friend to broaden her friend base.

Its not a nice place to be- when someone puts so much responsibility on you- and it can be difficult trying to figure, for both your and her sake, how to resolve the situation to both her and your benefit.

You don't have to end your friendship with her- you do, for both your sakes, have to gently introduce other people into her life- it'll be a weight off your shoulders.

Unfortunately, there are people out there- who really are appalling at making friends- I should know- I was one of them, its not a nice place to be for either they or you. She has probably latched onto you- because you are a safety blanket for her- the key to unravelling this is to gently show her that she doesn't need the safety blanket- that there is a whole world out there waiting to be explored.

Have a look at 'The Sea Tiger'- its worth it- however, how you're going to convince her to gently let go of her security blanket- is something you are going to have to decide- keeping in mind how brittle she may be and how she is using you as her support for her dealings with the world.

Big Bag of Chips

Only buy her a voucher if you're happy to lose the money and for her to not do the course. She has no interest in doing courses. She 'doesn't have time", she's told you. You are not responsible for her and you can't force her to do anything. All you can do for yourself is put boundaries in place. Decide what you are happy to put up with and block out the rest of it.

The_Conductor

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Only buy her a voucher if you're happy to lose the money and for her to not do the course. She has no interest in doing courses. She 'doesn't have time", she's told you. You are not responsible for her and you can't force her to do anything. All you can do for yourself is put boundaries in place. Decide what you are happy to put up with and block out the rest of it.

She has made the OP his responsibility- and the OP, has a sense of moral duty, that this lady doesn't deserve- which is impeding his dropping her like a hot potato.

Key to all of this is to be as gentle as possible to both of them- but recognise there has to be an end-goal, which is to broaden the support structure for the girl.

Its a hard place for the OP to be in- and he has accepted a responsibility that he doesn't owe her- how he deals with this will affect him as well as her.

Big Bag of Chips

Absolutely agree! I think buying a voucher to encourage her to do a course is throwing money away. I'm sure many of us have had/been that clinging friend. How long do you know her, OP? Is it a recent friendship or have you known her since childhood? Since childhood might be tricky to extract yourself from, but if it's only in the last number of years then you need to remind yourself that she survived before you and she'll manage if your friendship has a bit more space in it.

The friendship is adversely affecting you, and your other friendships and that's not fair. You can still be her friend, but not be at her beckon call.

amtc

What joy are you getting out of this friendship? There's always give and take. What do you get from it?

Just because you're social doesn't mean everyone has to be. Nowhere have you intimated that she's unhappy. I live on my own and my friend is mystified that I don't get lonely. She has to be with someone 24/7...I don't!

It could well be that the girl in question just doesn't need nor want people. I work with a guy who is like this; I have a cousin that other relatives actually doubt his existence! It's not your job to create a social life.

I would be quite annoyed if someone bought me a voucher for a course if I had not expressed interest in it.

Having said that the constant texting and phoning would drive me demented. I assume she knows you have other friends so it's just a question of 'I'm busy. If she works in a shop she must have some idea of social cues.