I think I hate my Mother

LegacyUser

Sorry for the long post. I'll try to keep it was short as possible.

My Mother is a very overbearing person. She has a very dominant presence and always has. When we were little (I have one Sister) our Dad had a drinking problem. I know this had to be hard on her and I feel very sorry for that, but me and my Sister really suffered for it.

She made no secret of the fact that she was stressed. Didn't try to shield us at all from it. He was never abusive, just drank a lot at the weekends and she would make sure we woke up from our sleep to hear her whaling at him. He would be slumped asleep in his chair but we would still be woken by her screaming blue murder. I can't count how many nights we were woken from our sleep (aged about 3 onwards) and had to listen to her ranting at a pretty much comatose man who wouldn't even remember it in the morning.

She would tell me and my Sister to go up and pack our little things, she was ringing a taxi to her Mothers house. No taxi ever came, yet we'd be standing in the hall in our little nighties waiting for someone to arrive and take us away from the chaos. It was all to make her point.

I spent most of my childhood in a constant state of stress and fear. She was very verbal about her fears, she would tell me and my Sister that he would come home drunk and burn the house down some night. That he would get into his car and kill someone or himself some night. We were only little kids. I couldn't concentrate in school because of the anxiety. I still suffer crippling anxiety to this day and I'm on tablets and attend counselling.

Don't get me wrong, my Father was as much to blame as her with his drinking. But I just feel she could have left if she was so unhappy. I could never let my children suffer like that because of my marriage problems.

I wet the bed til I was about 8, most likely because of the stress of it all. I remember one night she came into the room and woke me up because I had wet the bed again. She called me a dirty little bastard and took my hair, wrapped it around her hand and rubbed my face in the sheets like a dog. I was only about 6.

I rebelled in my teen years and distanced myself from her but in my 20's we became close again. I let her into my life and she was very supportive of me. We became friends at that stage and I sort of let go of the past.

Now however, I think she's gotten a bit too close, and feels she has some sort of stake in my life and my marriage. In recent years she has become very fond of my Husband, she almost see's him as the Son she never had. It's almost nauseating how she is with him, I know that sounds awful, but it's like she favors him over me, and it's not just me. She's exactly the same with my Sister and her Husband.

We've been having some marriage difficulties for the last few years. I went to her a while ago and told her that I wasn't happy and was thinking about ending things. Her response was "Don't you think you're taking your FEELINGS a bit too seriously"? She said the word "feelings" with total disgust, as if I was just a pest who was in danger of ruining her applecart.

I've come to the conclusion that she cares more about what the neighbours think than if her daughters are happy, and it causes me a lot of anger. I want to sit down and tell her how I feel but my Dad will be the one to suffer when she sulks over it, we don't have to live with her. He is 14 years sober now and doing great and I just don't want to ruin his tranquility.

My Sister is pretty much the same as me, she's been married for 16 years, she's completely miserable. Her husband has cheated on her several times, has a gambling addiction, and has been verbally and emotionally abusive to her, my Mother is aware of this and had done nothing only encourage her to stay with him (she has 4 kids). Her stance was pretty much "sure they're all like that".

My sister's kids are nearly reared at this stage and I know as soon as they've all gone off to live their lives, she'll be out of there. And good luck to her.

At the moment me and my Husband are working on things and it's peaceful. But my distain towards my Mother just won't go away I wake up sometimes during the night and it eats away at me.

When we see each other it's all nice and friendly. But underneath I'm burning.

She can be the sweetest person when she wants to be, and likes to spoil us with gifts. I don't want any gifts off her. I just want a Mother who has my back and will support me no matter what I decide to do in my life. I just don't feel like I have that.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I just wanted to vent.

Xterminator

Hi Op

your childhood, or lack of a childhood really was ****ty. and its bound to affect you and your sister in multiple ways.

I think you would benefit from seeing a counsellor. from what you wrote above it seems you have attached a lot of blame on your mother for the whole childhood trauma, and you may have a residual anger against her.

You were only a child and should have been protected, but she was a desperate wife who was at her wits end, dealing with an alcoholic partner, and young children.

i cannot see how you went from your mother favours your partner to "I've come to the conclusion that she cares more about what the neighbours think than if her daughters are happy". Previous generations were told you made your bed now you can lie in it" and there was no divorce etc, no living together out of wedlock etc.

From her point of view, she may think you are dumping a 'good' partner who doesnt thump you or drink all the family's money, and she may struggle to understand that.

Im not saying shes right, but it does not necessarily mean she she doesn't love you, simply that she has a different point of view.

Another day

Your story is a bit like mine except she did leave eventually. My childhood was miserable and affected my whole life.

I also like you developed a relationship with her years later but the hurt and resentment was always there lurking in the background. About 6 years ago I exploded at something she said. Everything came pouring out. I still remember the shock on her face. But do you know what, it was out there, we didn't speak for a few weeks but once I made that initial call things were way much better. There was no underlying resentment anymore. We never spoke of it again but pur relationship improved beyound recognition.

Maybe you need to let her know the effect it had on you. Don't expect an apology but do expect recognition that her behaviour affected you immensely.

And your sister sounds like she has stayed way too long. She needs to live life for herself. Her children are probably affected too...just like she and you were...

Another day

Your story is a bit like mine except she did leave eventually. My childhood was miserable and affected my whole life.

I also like you developed a relationship with her years later but the hurt and resentment was always there lurking in the background. About 6 years ago I exploded at something she said. Everything came pouring out. I still remember the shock on her face. But do you know what, it was out there, we didn't speak for a few weeks but once I made that initial call things were way much better. There was no underlying resentment anymore. We never spoke of it again but pur relationship improved beyound recognition.

Maybe you need to let her know the effect it had on you. Don't expect an apology but do expect recognition that her behaviour affected you immensely.

And your sister sounds like she has stayed way too long. She needs to live life for herself. Her children are probably affected too...just like she and you were...

LegacyUser

I hate to say it but your mother sounds like a classic narcissist.
She failed to protect you from things you were far too young to be exposed to and was incredibly cruel to you too.

None of this was ever your fault.
I'm sorry to say you will never have the relationship you want with your mother.
It will help you if you let go of that hope.
People like her never change.
You are also not responsible for your father.
Children of these types of parent will often throw themselves under the bus to protect another sibling or parent. This is not your responsibility.
You are only responsible for yourself.

I'd put distance between yourself and your mother if I were you.
She's managed to plant herself in the middle of your marriage in a very unhealthy way.
She's deliberately favouring your husband over you to create a divide and resentment and it seems like it's working.
She said "feelings" in that tone because she doesn't care about your feelings.
Other people's feelings aren't something that enter a narcissist's head.
Gifts are only a guilt trip.

Cut down on visits and NEVER tell her any personal business.
In fact only ever tell her the bare minimum.
There is no point in trying to reason with someone like your mother, she will only turn it around and find a way to blame you.
There WILL be backlash...so prepare for that but stand your ground.
Your anger toward her is completely justified.
You've had a very rough time of it.

I recommend you talk to a counsellor about the anger you feel and what you want to do from here on out. It will help clarify things in your head.
You may want to check out a subreddit called Raised By Narcissists for support.
There's also a book called "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson that might help you to better understand your upbringing.

Be kind to yourself. You're far from alone.

xzanti

beenthere001 wrote: »

I hate to say it but your mother sounds like a classic narcissist.
She failed to protect you from things you were far too young to be exposed to and was incredibly cruel to you too.

None of this was ever your fault.
I'm sorry to say you will never have the relationship you want with your mother.
It will help you if you let go of that hope.
People like her never change.
You are also not responsible for your father.
Children of these types of parent will often throw themselves under the bus to protect another sibling or parent. This is not your responsibility.
You are only responsible for yourself.

I'd put distance between yourself and your mother if I were you.
She's managed to plant herself in the middle of your marriage in a very unhealthy way.
She's deliberately favouring your husband over you to create a divide and resentment and it seems like it's working.
She said "feelings" in that tone because she doesn't care about your feelings.
Other people's feelings aren't something that enter a narcissist's head.
Gifts are only a guilt trip.

Cut down on visits and NEVER tell her any personal business.
In fact only ever tell her the bare minimum.
There is no point in trying to reason with someone like your mother, she will only turn it around and find a way to blame you.
There WILL be backlash...so prepare for that but stand your ground.
Your anger toward her is completely justified.
You've had a very rough time of it.

I recommend you talk to a counsellor about the anger you feel and what you want to do from here on out. It will help clarify things in your head.
You may want to check out a subreddit called Raised By Narcissists for support.
There's also a book called "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson that might help you to better understand your upbringing.

Be kind to yourself. You're far from alone.

I wish I could thank this twice.

Great post. I'd echo this.

njs030

Op it's good you're attending counselling because you do have major issues to deal with. Why is your anger directed at your mother for not shielding you from your dads alcoholism rather than at him for being an alcoholic in the first place?
Your whole post is how she should have done this and that and supported you etc but ends with how you won't say anything because you don't want your dad to suffer with her being annoyed and isnt he great for giving up alcohol.

What about the fact he spent money on alcohol, caused her stress and fear and went drinking knowing the problems it was causing. Why do you not hold him responsible?
Maybe she was stressed about money and scared something would happen to him and she vented to you- it happens.

LegacyUser

notjustsweet wrote: »

Op it's good you're attending counselling because you do have major issues to deal with. Why is your anger directed at your mother for not shielding you from your dads alcoholism rather than at him for being an alcoholic in the first place?
Your whole post is how she should have done this and that and supported you etc but ends with how you won't say anything because you don't want your dad to suffer with her being annoyed and isnt he great for giving up alcohol.

What about the fact he spent money on alcohol, caused her stress and fear and went drinking knowing the problems it was causing. Why do you not hold him responsible?
Maybe she was stressed about money and scared something would happen to him and she vented to you- it happens.

That's a good point. My dad has spent years beating himself up over our childhood. I know for a fact that it eats away at him, he missed out on so much of our early years. He has bent over backwards trying to make it up to us. He is very verbal about his regrets and has shed many tears in our presence over it.

My Mother on the other hand has never apologized for anything in her life, I've literally never heard her take culpability for anything. Not just related to family issues, but anything. She would be more likely to say something never happened than to acknowledge it and express regret.

Also, I acknowledged on my OP that he was as much to blame as her. I know he is not blameless.

I understand that she was stressed. I get stressed, we all get stressed with being parents. But I would never sit my kids down and feed them a load of doomsday scenarios when they're so little. Kids need peace and stability. Turning them into basket cases before the tooth fairy has even come just isn't on in my opinion. It's just common sense.

She had a big family around her, she could have reached out to her brothers, sisters, parents, friends etc and vented to them. She didn't need to do that to her kids.

Airyfairy12

Ive had very similar issues with my mother in the past who can be very manipulative and an absolute bully at times, like a naughty child she has to be told to stop and my dad also had/has a drink problem although calmed down as he's gotten older he's an aggressive drunk and has a gambling addiction. My mother would threaten to leave for attention and kick up if she didnt see tears from the kids, dragged me out of the house in a state numerous times, sometimes at night she'd hide behind the couch and wait to see me and my brothers reaction when we went down stairs looking for her thinking she was 'missing' or had abandoned us, she'd drag us out of the car kicking and screaming in the middle of nowhere and drive off, threaten to bring us to the orphanage and dump us out of the car outside an old building that our parents told us was an orphanage and drive off around the block, she had favourite kids and was verbally abusive, controlling, the list is endless.

I was very resentful for a long time, particularly of my mother who only thought about 'what other people will think' but ive realised that they had their own abusive pasts, they were raised by abusive parents who were abused when they were young and who had very hard lives, they just didnt know how to be parents, they where riddled with insecurities and grew up in a time where abuse wasn't just accepted but encouraged within the whole of society not just at home but corporal punishment in school's, Magdalene laundries and a view that children were second class citizens and didnt deserve respect like an adult. Abuse and mental illness wasnt talked about back then let alone something you'd seek help for, they never had a chance to work through anything they suffered. I remember my dad telling me about the beatings they got from my grandad and how my granny would encourage him to hit the kids harder and "give him a good one", huge shock to me as they were the sweetest little old people youd ever meet, butter wouldnt melt, he told me how rape between family members was common back then but brushed under the carpet and cousins married each other. Our parents and grandparents grew up in very messed up times.

I know its really hard to let go of the resentment but what helped me was going to a therapist who did practically no talking and allowed me to rant about everything id built up over the years.

You will never change your mother, you either accept the situation for what it is and release the anger thats only hurting yourself or you continue down this road where you'll do nothing but spiral and end up bitter and depressed. The best thing you can do is work on forgiving your parents (for yourself) and break the cycle of abuse so your kids dont have to endure it. Btw your sister nor you need your mothers approval to leave your husbands.

Neyite

Google "but we took you to stately homes"

I think you'll find your people there.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the replies.

Beenthere001, some great words of comfort there, much appreciated.

Neyite, I have looked at that page, and I have to say I see a lot of like minded people there, I will definitely tap into that.

Cheers.

beenthere001

beenthere001 wrote: »

She failed to protect you from things you were far too young to be exposed to and was incredibly cruel to you too.

I'd go a tad further than "failed to protect".

notjustsweet wrote: »

Why is your anger directed at your mother for not shielding you from your dads alcoholism rather than at him for being an alcoholic in the first place?

Probably because if it hadn't been for her mother's behaviour the kids night not have even been aware that he was an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic (recovering now) and we had NO CLUE. People hear the word "alcoholic" and assume the worst but there are many, many high-functioning alcoholics who look like normal people.

The damage here was done by the mother emotionally and mentally abusing her kids and using them as an outlet to vent her anger at her husband.

Xterminator

Deleted User wrote: »

The damage here was done by the mother emotionally and mentally abusing her kids and using them as an outlet to vent her anger at her husband.

We will never know the answer to that question, but i suspect you are at least partly right.

But would the mother have behaved that way if she wasn't at her wits end dealing with an alcoholic partner? Her action/reaction was a cry for help.

Look the mother clearly didn't have the tools to deal with the situation she was in, and acted in a manner that caused harm. But the mother is a victim also.

SAMTALK

OP I think your mother comes from the era of you stick with the marriage at all costs and therefore she expects the same from you.

When my marriage ended my mother couldnt get her head around it or understand why until one of her friends said "arent this generation brave, they arent afraid of change if they're in an unhappy relationship unlike our generation"

She seems to be living her idea of "a good marriage" through yours and you need to nip this in the bud and keep her out of your relationship with your husband

njs030

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I'd go a tad further than "failed to protect".



Probably because if it hadn't been for her mother's behaviour the kids night not have even been aware that he was an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic (recovering now) and we had NO CLUE. People hear the word "alcoholic" and assume the worst but there are many, many high-functioning alcoholics who look like normal people.

The damage here was done by the mother emotionally and mentally abusing her kids and using them as an outlet to vent her anger at her husband.

The point I was making is that while the op is annoyed at her mother she assigns very little blame to her father who was the root cause of the issues in the home. In fact she goes the other way and tries to protect him.

The damage was done by one parent abusing alcohol and putting it before his family and by the other not being able to cope.

In your case your mother was strong and dealt with it by shielding you, perhaps ops mother is weak and couldn't cope the same way.
We aren't all built the same way.

Xterminator

Xterminator wrote: »

We will never know the answer to that question, but i suspect you are at least partly right.

Yes, only the OP knows.

notjustsweet wrote: »

The point I was making is that while the op is annoyed at her mother she assigns very little blame to her father who was the root cause of the issues in the home. In fact she goes the other way and tries to protect him.

MumTrouble wrote: »

He was never abusive, just drank a lot at the weekends

She called me a dirty little bastard and took my hair, wrapped it around her hand and rubbed my face in the sheets like a dog. I was only about 6.

We have no idea what was the "root" cause of the issues at home, you're just assuming it was the father because drink was involved, we don't know.

MY point is that, as far as the OP is concerned, her childhood was ruined by her mother's reaction to her father's drinking, not by the drinking itself and the OP is looking for advice as to how to deal with her mother.

pl4ichjgy17zwd

Xterminator wrote:

But would the mother have behaved that way if she wasn't at her wits end dealing with an alcoholic partner? Her action/reaction was a cry for help.

Rubbing a six year old's face in their urine soaked sheets isn't part of a cry for help.

Neyite

Deleted User wrote: »

MY point is that, as far as the OP is concerned, her childhood was ruined by her mother's reaction to her father's drinking, not by the drinking itself and the OP is looking for advice as to how to deal with her mother.

In many cases, resentment can breed in a dysfunctional house towards the enabler - in this case the mother. A household with alcoholism is a chaotic and unstable upbringing and often children as adults look to the parents and wonder why they were not protected more. Why they stayed. We tend to look at our parents relationship with fresh eyes as adults with our own relationship and see what we thought was unavoidable situations in our childhoods were actually down to parent's wrong choices.

That's probably a large part of what's going on with the OP now. The Dad had an addiction, he's made changes and he's made amends. He's deeply remorseful for what he did, so that kind of brings the OP some closure and peace on his part played in her childhood.

But there is none of that from the mother and I think that's what the OP is struggling with. Unfortunately if the mother is a personality type I suspect she is, she never will get that closure or remorse from her. The past will never get revisited or discussed to the OP's satisfaction. It will be all whitewashed or if she cant deny something happened the waterworks will get turned on and the manipulative "I was only trying my best" stuff will get trotted out. And then the OP will have to apologise for upsetting her mother like that... or something.

OP, she will never be the mum who is supportive and has your back. She never was that person, and it can hurt a lot to come to that realisation. It's not something that will be resolved with a conversation but a long process for you to emotionally detach and find a boundary that doesn't cause ructions but gives you the emotional space from your mum.

LegacyUser

Just want to say thanks again for the replies, really appreciate them.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching and I've decided that I really want to just take a massive step back from her.

As someone very rightly said, I'm looking at her with fresh eyes at this stage in my life, and to be honest I feel a lot of anger towards her.

Just thinking of the things she's done over the years when she felt like things weren't going her way. For example:

She told my Dad that I wasn't his, when I was in my teens, he told me this in confidence one day in recent years, but I've never confronted her about it, because lets face it, her feelings are way more important than ours. I'm pretty sure it's BS because my Son looks just like his father.

She told my Dad one day (I was eavesdropping) that she was sure she had bowel cancer. Again this was after he'd been out drinking and she was sulking. Nothing ever came of that, never spoken of again.

She went through the motions of killing herself in front of me when I was about 11, again, he had gone to the pub and she was angry. I was on my own with her in the house and I was sure she was going to do it. She went up into the attic with a big ball of bailing twine and started wrapping it around the rafters. This went on for about 20 minutes, I was at the bottom of the ladder hysterical, begging her to stop and eventually she just stopped, and went and made a cup of tea for herself. I remember it like it was yesterday. Again, we've never spoken about it since and I know she'd deny it ever happened.

If our marriages are looking in any way dodgy or like they're on the rocks, she'll go into a sulk and start talking about her funeral arrangements etc, seriously like. WTF.

My Sister texted her just before her last Wedding Anniversary and told her that they were not celebrating it and NOT to buy them a gift. Most normal people would ask the question, "what's wrong, are things ok?". Not her, instead she turned up at an event they were attending, armed with flowers, gift, card, the lot, for her anniversary. My Sister was livid. Completely dismissed her text and over stepped her mark once again.

Any chance she gets she'll harp on about how amazing her Sons in Law are, and how blessed she is with them. Just sickening considering how we've confided in her about what they're like to live with and the things they've done over the years. Never talks about her daughters who have bent over backwards for her and been so kind and loving to her.

No more!

Airyfairy12

OP have you considered that your mother possibly has a personality disorder or some psychiatric problem? Not to belittle or undermine what youve been through which sounds horrific but your mum most likely needed allot of help with her problems. Mental health services in Ireland have always been abysmal and more often than not people fall through the cracks and go through life with undiagnosed serious mental issues. It just sounds like your mother has problems she couldn't control and unfortunately you and your siblings took the backlash.

Youre an adult now and you control your own life, if you need to take a step back from your mother then do, the relationship is clearly very toxic and is hurting you, you seem to be surprised everytime she does something hurtful or inappropriate but you know she won't change, she is what she is.
As for your relationship with your husband, leave him if youre not happy. You seem to be waiting for your mothers sympathy and approval to give you the go ahead to divorce him but you know that approval is never going to come yet instead of taking any action in your own life you curse your mother and remain with your husband. You cant change your mother, you can limit your interactions with her and take action regarding your unhealthy marriage but you cant change other people or how they respond to you.

LegacyUser

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

OP have you considered that your mother possibly has a personality disorder or some psychiatric problem? Not to belittle or undermine what youve been through which sounds horrific but your mum most likely needed allot of help with her problems. Mental health services in Ireland have always been abysmal and more often than not people fall through the cracks and go through life with undiagnosed serious mental issues. It just sounds like your mother has problems she couldn't control and unfortunately you and your siblings took the backlash.

Youre an adult now and you control your own life, if you need to take a step back from your mother then do, the relationship is clearly very toxic and is hurting you, you seem to be surprised everytime she does something hurtful or inappropriate but you know she won't change, she is what she is.
As for your relationship with your husband, leave him if youre not happy. You seem to be waiting for your mothers sympathy and approval to give you the go ahead to divorce him but you know that approval is never going to come yet instead of taking any action in your own life you curse your mother and remain with your husband. You cant change your mother, you can limit your interactions with her and take action regarding your unhealthy marriage but you cant change other people or how they respond to you.

I understand that my marriage is my own responsibility. I am certainly not waiting on her approval to leave. At the moment we are fine, as I said in another post.

I just hurts me to know that if things DO go wrong again, she won't be in my corner. After all the other stuff, it's just the icing* on the cake for me.

I think you're right though about her mental health.

jigglypuffstuff

Evaluate carefully,

Friends come and go...partners can too....colleagues.. acquaintances etc etc

You only get one mother and one father OP, and when they are gone, they're gone

I'm not here for a debate on the above, nor am I here for buts, what's, if's, how's etc...my sole piece of advice is to reflect, or rather meditate on the above comment for some time

Best of luck!