My Brother is a Waster

LegacyUser

My Brother is a Waster

My brother has come home for the summer from college. A few weeks ago, he came home for a few days over Easter and he told me he has suffered from depression for the last two years. I could not wait for him to get home for the summer and I worried about him while he was away. I thought when he got home we could make plans to do things together, maybe join the gym together and to get him to attend counselling if it was needed.

But now he is home, I honestly can’t help but think he is just a lazy waster. The first week or two I would try to get him to go to bed early with not a great deal of success. He would stay up until 3-5 a.m. playing the PlayStation. Sometimes with my mother waking up at 5 a.m. to put him to bed, waking my father in the process, meaning they are both tired for the day. Meanwhile, he will sleep all day. He does not want to do anything to improve his mood. The first thing he does when he wakes up is go on the PlayStation, before even brushing his teeth or having any breakfast.

A few days ago, I came home from work to find his dog tied outside and dog’s p*** all over the kitchen floor with newspaper over it. He left the dog all day without bringing him out to pee or for a walk. He is just so lazy. All he cares about is himself. After this, I have not talked to him. He made a weak attempt at giving me a hug and I pushed him away. I am so honestly sick of him and so mad at him. He never does anything except play the PlayStation, I would love to break it to be honest.

He said to my mother that I don’t even say hello to him. He cannot see that I was trying my best to be a good sister before but he never changes and doesn’t even care. It might sound bad but I think he was saying he is depressed when he is really just lazy. I probably sound terrible for saying so.

Big Bag of Chips

Unless he goes to a doctor you or he can't say he does or doesn't have depression.

How do you think depression manifests itself? How do you think he should be acting if he's depressed?

There's not an awful lot you can do for your brother unless he gets himself to a doctor and on medication, into counselling whatever is necessary. You're not qualified to deal with him, so your suggestions, however well meaning, aren't what he needs at the moment.

Depression is a tough illness to live with, not just for the sufferer.

freshpopcorn

One thing you've got to rememebrr in these situations is it's your parents house. So it's up to them how they deal with hum at home. You've to be very careful what you say or do in case blame gets thrown back at you if anything happened. So, I'd discuss this with your parents.

baby and crumble

I know how frustrating it is trying to help someone who has depression, OP, but I also know how horrific it is when you have it.

I supported my GF when she had depression a few years ago, and I often thought the same as you- she would get up late, sit in her tracksuit all day in front of the TV, I'd come home each night and cook dinner, clean the house, do the shopping, etc. For months this went on, and it was really aggravating and frustrating. She went to the doctor and eventually got the right mix of medication, talking to a professional and a new job which really helped.

A few years later, I was diagnosed with depression myself. I couldn't concentrate on anything, all I was fit for was (oddly) playing videogames or sleeping. I couldn't even concentrate on reading a book. I had to take time off from work/ college (6 months), move home with my Dad, the whole 9 yards.

The truth is for me, when I had depression, I didn't care about myself, never mind anyone else. I could've easily stayed in bed all day (and did, on numerous occasions). Depression takes all your energy, just to get up or think about anything.

It's nothing to be ashamed of, but your brother probably won't improve until he seeks medical/ professional help. Depression isn't about being upset or sad- it's like this unbelievably heavy dark blanket has been thrown on top of you so you can't see where you are, where you're going, who's trying to reach out to you, what needs to be done in your environment, nothing. You need help to take the blanket off, but you know when you've been in a dark room for ages and someone opens the curtains? It's awful at first. But your eyes adjust. That's what your brother needs.

Try talking to him. He might need some tough love, but please don't ignore him or brush him off. For me, I knew I was hurting other people when I was depressed, I knew I was making lives difficult, so he doesn't need you to tell him that. Try and get him help, try and get him to go to the doctor. He took a big step telling you he had depression, so he obviously wants help with it.

begbysback

He sounds a bit like me when turning from teenager to adult, and a lot of others I know of. Life seem tough and the future bleak - I wouldn't suggest going to the doctor based only on the sample you give, for if I or anyone else played PlayStation for that long then we would certainly display signs of depression, and struggle to manage the basics of life. And also from my experience some doctors are all too quick to diagnose depression.

He sounds pretty normal to me, maybe just stuck in a rutt - I would suggest finding out what he wants to do in life and support him to get that - every man needs a purpose in life, seems he may not have found his yet.

mitresize5

Your brother doesn't sound like a waster - he sounds like a very sick man.

You need to do whatever you can to get him some professional help.

I'm not having a go at you as I can understand how frustrating it must be for you, especially if it is affecting your parents life but imagine if he does something stupid, how would you feel then.

He needs support

GingerLily

I think it's easy to lose your way a bit when your in college, I would have had a similar episode myself on college.

I think your parents need to be lay down fair ground rules, a few weeks of playing too much playstation is not the end of the world, but he should not have treated the dog the dog that way and parents need to tell his that.

Cupcake_Crisis

Op I'm going to tell you something from bitter experience - there's absolutely nothing you can do for your brother until he decides to get help himself. You need to mind yourself and your folks. I got to the point that I had to ask my parents to stop talking to me about my brother because it was causing friction in our relationship.

Imo, the best thing you can do is tell your parents that your brother opened up to you about feeling depressed, tell them everything you've noticed about his behaviour and leave the ball in their court.

Jurgen Klopp

The video game thing is something to completely​ zone out of negative thoughts I'd say

Rachiee

Hi OP just to give you some of my own experience. I've suffered with depression for the past twenty years have been medicated for the past ten I'm an educated woman with a supportive family, some times are harder than others, I go through periods where everything is working but during the more difficult time one of the frustrating things is that I know that if I got up and exercised and washed myself and cleaned the house I'd feel better but I just can't do it, its frustrating to experience and even more frustrating to watch and so hard to explain because it seems completely illogical and I guess maybe it is but thats kind of the catch 22 of depression you don't have the energy or drive to do the only things that will make you feel better.

LegacyUser

Op here.

This morning my brother and I had a massive row. After days of not talking, I told mum if he has depression he needs to go to a doctor. She talked to him and he said he didn't feel depressed currently and he didn't need to go to a doctor or counselling.

My mother tried to get us to have breakfast together but it turned into an argument. If he isn't going to get help and says he currently does not feel depressed (whether he is or is not actually depressed, I know, is another story), then to my mind I don't see why I need to walk on eggshells around him or pretend that I am ok with the way he carries on. I have grown to not really like the person he is. I don't know what to do from here. My bigger concern is that our arguments affect my mother, but I feel to say sorry and sweep it all under the rug would only make him feel as though he can go on either being depressed and not getting help, or being lazy and that being ok.

He said he only plays video games so much because he has nothing better to do. To be honest, it is hard not to think he is just a waster still. My father said he doesn't even think he goes to college and that he is wasting his money sending him to college but to say anything about it only causes a row that will anger my brother and upset my mum. It feels like a bit of a mess really.

woodchuck

OP I'm not going to get into whether or not your brother has depression. He would need to see a doctor for a diagnosis and you don't seem too concerned with that anyhow.

What is your actual problem? It sounds like you're just frustrated that he spends all his time playing video games. But frankly, how he spends his personal time is none of your business. If he chooses to spend it playing video games, that's his choice. I'm not saying it's a good choice, but it's his choice. Maybe he's just burnt out from college and needs some downtime. Or if it's actually effecting his college work, then it's up to your parents to try and intervene. You're his sister though, not his mother, so I don't see why you're getting so worked up. And it's certainly not your place to try and get him to go to bed earlier!

The only genuine issue I can see here is about the dog, but hopefully that was an isolated occurrence. Not talking to him for 3 days because of it seems a bit extreme though, especially when it sounds like he tried to make up with you. You sound like the unreasonable one here tbh...

Turtle_

When you take into account his behaviour, him basically saying "I don't need a doctor or therapy, I'm not depressed" translates as "please just make this go away; I don't have the energy to fight you on this at the moment and I don't have the energy or willpower or even like myself enough to want to improve things".

stayibg up late - can be a symptom of depression
No motivation to do anything- can be a symptom
Not attending college - can be a symptom
Unable to look after himself or the dog - can be a symptom.

Honestly, you sound really full on. Trying to get him out and going to the gym and doing this and that. You haven't a clue. You clearly haven't any idea what it's like to be depressed because if you had, you'd know you're actually making things worse for him. Genuinely. Just back off.

And then to compound it, he tries to give you a hug to apologise and you completely rebuff him. That's actually cruel.

freshpopcorn

Is he living away from home for college? I know plenty of guy and when they went to college.They spent ages playing play station and not attending college and they still got on well in their exams.
If I'm being honest if I was your brother I'd find you very naggy. What happens in this situation is up to your parents and I always say if your not happy at the situation at home you should try and move out.

Airyfairy12

I have a brother who's a similar age and all he does is play computer games, its all any of is friends do, they communicate through their headsets when they game together, he's not a waster or depressed, he's more than happy playing his games, i'd prefer him doing that than smoking weed every day or drinking every weekend. In my opinion you need to butt out of your brothers life what he does is none of your business and if he needs help thats his decision to make. If you were my sister id be angry and depressed all the time too, theres careing about someone and then theres interfering to the point of being possessive. You sound like youve crossed that line.

Afroshack

Agree with everyone here. You're making it worse.

Back off.
Be kind.

Hrududu

Is your brother the one starting the arguments?

Sunny Dayz

What did he do with his free time before now? Did he play sports, watch movies, go out etc? Apart from the playstation, has he any other interests? I'm assuming he was home at Christmas, how did he spend his time then?


When you finish college for the summer, with no job or plans made, you fall completely out of routine. You end up staying up later cos you don't have to be up for work/college early in the morn, you end up sleeping in, pushing out the times.


From your posts he has noticed that you are off with him so I'm assuming you have/had a good and close relationship. I would suggest that encourage him to even go out for a walk with you a few evenings a week now that the weather is nice and to give him a break from the screen. Fresh air and exercise will be good for him and it may open up the communication lines between you.

DEFTLEFTHAND

I think you're being hard on him.

Up all night, sleeping all day, losing interest in his dog. These would be red flags to me.

Try and talk to him instead of giving him the cold shoulder.