Depression

Dancergirl09

Hi guys I'm not really sure if this is the right place to be writing this but if not please move. I will give a little insight into my life I am 27 with my fiancé 12 years we are still living at home in my family home with my family.. Last year I was prescribed sertraline to take for depression but they gave me awful sweats it was literally impossible to work to I stopped them.. I was so sick stopping them but that got better but lately my mood as gone so bad I am so depressed..

I am so unhappy with my situation that we are together this long and still in the same situation we were when we got together with no plans for the future.. As we have no children I wanted to go to Spain for the summer to work just for a change of scenery but fiancé doesn't want to to that..

I just feel stuck now because I so want to go and I am so unhappy here that I feel I need space but he doesn't want to go it's such a hard decision to make but I think if i stay I am going to be unhappy for a lot longer. I just need opinions as I don't know if I am being unreasonable or how I am being.. Any help would be greatly appreciated

Fr_Dougal

You already know what you have to do. Sit him down and tell him.

Ken.

Mod-Thread moved to Personal Issues. Please read the local charter before posting. There is zero tolerance to bullsh!t in this forum.

Airyfairy12

Why does he need to go with you? Lots of couples do their own things, take separate trips, work abroad separately ect. Just because youre romantically involved shouldnt mean youre glued at the hip. Go live your life, you'll regret it if you dont.

unknowngirl!!

I was in a similar situation without feeling depressed. I was in a long term relationship and we were living beside my parents.

I knew I wanted more from life and wanted to travel during June, July and August. Boyfriend was happy just to potter on aimlessly and refused to come.

I took off on my own to the south of France for the Summer. Two and a half years later I'm living in Paris, due my first baby in August and couldn't be happier

Take a risk. Space will give you perspective. I never missed home or my boyfriend when I was away. I dreaded checking in with him as it was such a routine chore with nothing to say. Best decision I ever made was to do what I wanted without thinking about the consequences and letting other people decide for me.

Dancergirl09

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Why does he need to go with you? Lots of couples do their own things, take separate trips, work abroad separately ect. Just because youre romantically involved shouldnt mean youre glued at the hip. Go live your life, you'll regret it if you dont.

I think it's just cause we have been together for so long it's hard to make the break.. Was feeling a small but better earlier but as the day went on I got worse tears for nothing and trying to hide it is awful

Dancergirl09

unknowngirl!! wrote: »

I was in a similar situation without feeling depressed. I was in a long term relationship and we were living beside my parents.

I knew I wanted more from life and wanted to travel during June, July and August. Boyfriend was happy just to potter on aimlessly and refused to come.

I took off on my own to the south of France for the Summer. Two and a half years later I'm living in Paris, due my first baby in August and couldn't be happier

Take a risk. Space will give you perspective. I never missed home or my boyfriend when I was away. I dreaded checking in with him as it was such a routine chore with nothing to say. Best decision I ever made was to do what I wanted without thinking about the consequences and letting other people decide for me.

Oh wow well done fair play for taken the step.. I think the depression is half to do with me not being happy with my life as I feel it's heading nowhere.. I have always loved my job and even now I am starting to feel fed up with that..

I gather from your post that you met a new man in your life? Congratulations on the baby and so glad it worked out for you 😘

Airyfairy12

Dancergirl09 wrote: »

I think it's just cause we have been together for so long it's hard to make the break.. Was feeling a small but better earlier but as the day went on I got worse tears for nothing and trying to hide it is awful

So just go for 2 or 3 weeks to start with to see how you feel, you could work in a Summer camp in spain for a little while. Start slow and do what youre comfortable with.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Before I say anything else I think you should go, but that being said, why does your partner not want to go? What is your relationship like with your partner?

You are still young, and you life should (ideally) be more about going to work and coming home again. Have an adventure, see some of the world.

If you try and imagine your life in 10 or 20 years time, is this how you want to spend it? What do you want to do?

unknowngirl!!

Dancergirl09 wrote: »

Oh wow well done fair play for taken the step.. I think the depression is half to do with me not being happy with my life as I feel it's heading nowhere.. I have always loved my job and even now I am starting to feel fed up with that..

I gather from your post that you met a new man in your life? Congratulations on the baby and so glad it worked out for you 😘

Yes, when I went away I met someone else. We're together about two years now as it took about six months to finish my long term relationship.

To be honest, the worst thing about breaking up with my long term partner was telling other people. It felt like our families were breaking up and it took ages to build up the courage to go through with it. When I look back on things I feel sad that I waited so long to do it.

LegacyUser

You say you and your fiancé are living with your family. What are you going to do if you go abroad, ask him to move out before you go? Leave him there and maybe ask him to move out while you're away if you realise you want to end the relationship? I know that's not what you asked about, but it jumps out to me that you appear to have moved forward very little for a couple that's 12 years together and now he's an obstacle to your plans.

Are you seeing a move abroad as the potential solution to a few different problems? I think a summer abroad is a great idea, I've done a few and loved them and I'd say go for it, but you might be better off getting help with your currently unmanaged depression first and also addressing the fact that a 12 year relationship may well have run its course before you make any decisions or plans.

Maximus Alexander

Just on the depression front, I would advise returning to your doctor to see what they can do for you. Some depression medications have side effects for some people, and the doctor will usually try you on one and switch you to another if you don't respond well to it. It's definitely worth going back to your GP and explaining to them that you had a bad reaction to the previous prescription. It's pretty normal and they can try something else.

If you get the depression under control it will undoubtedly make it easier to tackle other problems with your lifestyle and situation. Best of luck!

Lady is a tramp

Really I'd advise against making any major life changes, such as breaking up a relationship or going travelling, until your mental health issues are resolved.

I've been on Sertraline (the max dose) myself, it works for many, it didn't work for me. Doesn't work for everyone. Would be worth your while requesting to see a psychiatrist rather than a GP. For me personally, extensive psychotherapy and counselling and CBT and DBT, i.e. talk therapy etc were what worked more than any medication. I'd have much preferred the quick-fix but some people are more "treatment resistant", as my pyschiatrist calls it, than others.

(Doesn't mean I resist treatment as such, just that traditional/classic/popular treatments resist me!!)

Think Kit

I recommend having a talk with your fiance and asking him why he doesn't want to go? Maybe he's afraid that such a change wouldn't be good for your mental health and that's why he's resisting. You should explain how you're feeling and what you feel you need to do to feel better. Definitely go back to the doctor and see if there's some other treatment you can take that will help. Then perhaps start looking for other places to live. In my experience, a couple living with parents results in a crowded house. Remember that relationships are all about compromise so you should come to an agreement that suits you both. However, keep in mind that you're living in your family home, so if you decide to move out, there isn't really much he can do about it. This could be a source of tension for him as he feels he has no choice so make sure to emphasise that it would benefit the both of you individually and as a couple.

Dancergirl09

I think to be honest I am just looking for something new as there in no commitment in this relationship.. He has a house of his own that was left to him but his brother is living in it on his own and he doesn't wanna kick him out. He also asked me to marry him 8/9 years ago but when I bring up marriage he says he's not ready yet and we will start planning a wedding in 2 yrs time!!

I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore but I just know this isn't how I thought my life would turn out. I feel like a teenager and a pensioner all at the same time.. Teenager because I feel I have achieved nothing.. Pensioner because we go nowhere and do nothing anymore.

LegacyUser

Dancergirl09 wrote: »

I think to be honest I am just looking for something new as there in no commitment in this relationship.. He has a house of his own that was left to him but his brother is living in it on his own and he doesn't wanna kick him out. He also asked me to marry him 8/9 years ago but when I bring up marriage he says he's not ready yet and we will start planning a wedding in 2 yrs time!!

As I thought, this relationship has run its course. He's on the pig's back having someone looking after his gaff while he relaxes in your family home. He doesn't want you to go because you'd upset that apple cart for him. He doesn't have your best interest at heart.

If I was in your shoes, I'd end the relationship and move him out, then take control of my mental health issues through medication, talking cures, whatever works for you, then think about my summer away. You may still want to go after all that, or you may be happier at home without him holding you back, take that as it comes. If you go for it, look at somewhere a handy-ish flight from home and make sure you have money in the bank to get back with no stress if it doesn't go well this time, your first choice of Spain seems ideal. If that works out, next summer look at a cave in Borneo or an upturned canoe in the Amazon or whatever you fancy. Whatever you do, do not let that relationship hold you back any more.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe this is no longer the right relationship for you? You've been with this guy since you were only 15 and that's not necessarily a good thing.
There's a good reason why most people don't end up forever with their childhood sweethearts. Perhaps the two of you aren't well suited these days but you're trapped in a rubbish situation. What fella in his right mind would want to live with his fianc?e's parents unless there were no other options? I wonder does he still think he's a teenage lad in his head and is living at home? Your parents must be saints to be putting up with another couple in their floor. Quite frankly, I think it's a rotten thing to do to them. Don't they deserve a life for themselves now that they've raised their family, not having a stranger on their floor?

In terms of your depression, have you tried going to counselling? I think you could do with talking to someone and teasing out your issues. It's all well and good to give you tablets to help you but it's not going to solve your relationship problem. You might get some clarity if you spoke to someone who doesn't have a dog in this fight.

dellas1979

There are other anti-depressants than sertraline. So, go back to your GP.

But, Id also advise you either see a councellor or life coach. Face your dears and make decisions.

I'd do all this before you decide to make a move.

Spain would be a temporary solution to a more long term problem.

Dancergirl09

Thanks guys for the help.. I need to sit down and have and sort things out he's also not ready to get married for another 2 years that's when he wants to plan it so it will be 3 + years by the time we have even that done.. When I am sitting here thinking sometimes I just want to kick myself..

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe he'll never be ready. In different ways you're both trapped. A long relationship that's going nowhere. Living with your parents. No experience of living as independent adults it would appear. Perhaps you've both stunted each other's growth as adults because of the way you've lived your lives.