Issue with grandparents

Rosemary 10

Hi all...just looking for some advice. My 5 month old has two cousins ages 2 and 3 they're brother and sister and they're grandparents have them all the time!! Theyre together all weekend , go on fun walks and day trips ect even weekday sleepovers and so much more. they're so close and it's been like that since the day they where born. However it's not the case with my baby? they complain and say it's me I never give her Bla Bla but truth is they never ask!! In fact when I do ask if they could take her while I work it's always inconvenient. I don't want my child to feel left out when she's older so how do I sort this now ? I'm pretty sure they don't see what I see

Myles de Selby

I can see that this is a bit dispiriting for you. . Having known the cousins since they were babies they are now getting much more interaction from them as 2 and 3 year olds and it can be difficult for the 'new kid on the block'.

I would be wary of starting off by asking them to mind your baby while you are at work . They may see a difference between having the cousins at the weekend (which is presumably an optional thing with flexible times) and being asked to be a childminder.

Also, while they enjoy when the cousins are with them they probably value the time when they are not! In some respect the calender may be fullish but that doesn't mean they don't care about you and baby.

Perhaps you and baby joining them and the cousins on some weekend outings would be a good start?

Lady is a tramp

Are these your own parents or the child's father's parents? Do you have a close relationship with them yourself?

Rosemary 10

Myles de Selby wrote: »

I can see that this is a bit dispiriting for you. . Having known the cousins since they were babies they are now getting much more interaction from them as 2 and 3 year olds and it can be difficult for the 'new kid on the block'.

I would be wary of starting off by asking them to mind your baby while you are at work . They may see a difference between having the cousins at the weekend (which is presumably an optional thing with flexible times) and being asked to be a childminder.

Also, while they enjoy when the cousins are with them they probably value the time when they are not! In some respect the calender may be fullish but that doesn't mean they don't care about you and baby.

Perhaps you and baby joining them and the cousins on some weekend outings would be a good start?

Thanks for the reply...but thing is it's not only the weekends they have the cousins they tell me they're working or busy but when I call up after work for my baby to see them the cousins are there and have been there for hours also i never know about any of the outings because my baby's never invited xx

Rosemary 10

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

Are these your own parents or the child's father's parents? Do you have a close relationship with them yourself?

Fathers parents ...and we where super close but all this has kinda made me back off a bit xx

njs030

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

Fathers parents ...and we where super close but all this has kinda made me back off a bit xx

Perhaps the father should be taking the child over when he is looking after him/her rather than you?
That might make things easier.

Rosemary 10

notjustsweet wrote: »

Perhaps the father should be taking the child over when he is looking after him/her rather than you?
That might make things easier.

Fathers not around to much so if I don't do it my child will never see her other grandparents...not once have they ever even called in to see her it's always been me going up and making the effort I don't get it at all. She's starting to make strange with them too so it's beginning to affect my baby already

daisy123

Try not to worry...grandparents are a little older now than when the other two were babies. They may not have the energy for a 5month old too. There's a big difference. Your baby will settle into their lives when the time is right!

Maybe the other parents need a bit more help. You don't know what's going on with their lives. Just enjoy your time with your baby. There's time enough for grandparents to take a bigger role. Babies play strange, even if they see people every day. Your baby will be fine!

Rosemary 10

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

Fathers parents ...and we where super close but all this has kinda made me back off a bit xx

Are the cousins your husband's sisters children?

Rosemary 10

bubblypop wrote: »

Are the cousins your husband's sisters children?

No they're his brothers children x

njs030

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

Fathers not around to much so if I don't do it my child will never see her other grandparents...not once have they ever even called in to see her it's always been me going up and making the effort I don't get it at all. She's starting to make strange with them too so it's beginning to affect my baby already

Well maybe they feel a little bit uncomfortable calling to the house of their sons ex girlfriend.
Also your child is a lot younger than the other and not everyone wants to look after a baby, I would happily look after older children but not babies!

Big Bag of Chips

I know your baby is your no 1 priority, but she's only 5 months! She hasn't a clue. She genuinely hasn't a clue who these people are. She doesn't know they're her grandparents. She doesn't know they are supposed to be a part of her family etc. She is in no way affected by not going on days out with them! If you are not in a relationship with the dad, and the dad hasn't much of a relationship with his child then who knows how the grandparents feel? They might feel torn between the two of you and are unsure how to act. Their son might be putting pressure on them to not help you out.

It's funny that the thread is about the lack of involvement from the grandparents, but the father's lack of involvement only gets a passing mention. It is very difficult as a single parent to balance everything and everyone, but, it's not your job to push a relationship with the dad's side of the family. You can of course encourage it and facilitate it if they are interested, but if they are not, then you can't force it. And you shouldn't have to. You've enough to be doing.

The grandparents know where you are. They know how to contact you. If they want to see their grandchild then they can come to you. But I cannot stress enough, your child will not lose out by not having a close bond to these people! There will be so many other people in your child's life over the years that she won't lose out. The grandparents for whatever reason aren't available to you. Surround yourself with people who are. You will be much happier, and in turn your child will too.

She will only be affected by this, if you teach her she should be affected by it.

pwurple

Yes, yes and yes to what Big Bag of Chips said.

Your baby is 5 months old, let's get a bit of perspective here.

From your post, you are being both overly touchy, and a bit bloody demanding. A 5 month old is a completely different proposal to a toddler. And if you are not part of their family, you have absolutely no right to make any demands on their time whatsoever. I know you want her to have a relationship with her grandparents, but every family dynamic is different.

It's very awkward for them if you are not with the father anymore. Is this visitation, how does he feel about it, what are the legal obligations? Is the father even a legal guardian, were you married at the time you had the baby? It can all get very complicated and I understand their reticence completely.

Tread softly with them, don't do drop-offs, do time together for the first year or two, and then you might see solo invitations coming along.

beechwood55

What does your partner think? (I think from previous posts you are still together).

njs030

beechwood55 wrote: »

What does your partner think? (I think from previous posts you are still together).

Oh yes I remember the poster now. Doesn't the baby stay there 2 nights a week op?

Miaireland

Op, I think one of the issues here is the fact you ask the grandparents to look after your baby while you work. I get the feeling these grandparents do not want to be child care or else feel that they cannot mind three kids. Why not invite them over for coffee some afternoon and they can spend time with there granddaughter.

scarepanda

Op, I got the impression from your post that you are still in a relationship with your daughter's Dad. Can you confirm either way please? What is the relationship historically like between your daughter's Dad and his parents?

I ask because you see it all the time that grandparents may have a closer relationship with one child's children because they had a closer relationship with them growing up (no harm or distinction is ever intended to be made, it just happens). I know it certainly happened in my family. My mam was my granddad's pet and we benefited from that with our relationship with grandad. While some of her other siblings were closer to her mother and their children benefited in other ways with granny. At the end of the day they both still loved us, and we still had good relationships with both of them that grew and changed as we got older.

Op, I would honestly take a step back and let the grandparents make the choice. At the end of the day they are the adults in the relationship with your daughter and you can't force them to be as close as you would like with her. This I think would be detrimental to your daughter in the long run. In the mean time, enjoy every second with your daughter. Watch her grow and her little personality develop. Be constantly amazed, it's the best part!

(Btw, my little one made strange with everyone, except pretty much me, around that age, including her Dad. So I wouldn't put to much weight to the emotional distance having a effect on her.)

Rosemary 10

scarepanda wrote: »

Op, I got the impression from your post that you are still in a relationship with your daughter's Dad. Can you confirm either way please? What is the relationship historically like between your daughter's Dad and his parents?

I ask because you see it all the time that grandparents may have a closer relationship with one child's children because they had a closer relationship with them growing up (no harm or distinction is ever intended to be made, it just happens). I know it certainly happened in my family. My mam was my granddad's pet and we benefited from that with our relationship with grandad. While some of her other siblings were closer to her mother and their children benefited in other ways with granny. At the end of the day they both still loved us, and we still had good relationships with both of them that grew and changed as we got older.

Op, I would honestly take a step back and let the grandparents make the choice. At the end of the day they are the adults in the relationship with your daughter and you can't force them to be as close as you would like with her. This I think would be detrimental to your daughter in the long run. In the mean time, enjoy every second with your daughter. Watch her grow and her little personality develop. Be constantly amazed, it's the best part!

(Btw, my little one made strange with everyone, except pretty much me, around that age, including her Dad. So I wouldn't put to much weight to the emotional distance having a effect on her.)

No not in a relationship anymore but I never fell out with the grandparents and people on here jumping up saying I'm just asking while I work ...I ask nearly every evening after work will I call up! And I know the father hasn't been putting any pressure on them cz nobody's even heard from him in weeks.And of course it's going to affect my baby I'm trying to prevent it before she's old enough to understand...these forums Jesus people

Probably just very awkward for them so.
Maybe they feel guilty because their son isn't around for his own family, maybe they are ashamed.
Maybe they just don't know what to do or say?
Did you & your ex have a volatile relationship? We're there issues he may have spoken to him parents about, putting them in an awkward position?

If you used to be close, have a conversation with them. Just yell them they are welcome to be in their grandchilds life, & that their son doesn't need to come between them.

Lady is a tramp

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

No not in a relationship anymore but I never fell out with the grandparents and people on here jumping up saying I'm just asking while I work ...I ask nearly every evening after work will I call up!

In their position I'd find it a bit overwhelming even if my own grown child wanted to call up with their child every day ... let alone my son's ex! Maybe ease off a bit, make a regular monthly arrangement rather than contacting them nearly every evening? They might just be trying to establish boundaries.

Big Bag of Chips

Everyone here can only speculate as to why the grandparents aren't as keen. If you don't know, how are complete strangers to know?!

Maybe they feel under pressure or obliged to take their other grandchildren because they've always done it. Two small children would wear anyone out. Maybe adding your child into the mix would just be too much for them. Maybe having you call in in the evening with another child after a long day with the others is too much for them when they just want their house back!

And believe it or not, not having a close relationship with one set of grandparents WON'T have an affect on your child if you don't allow it to. There are thousands of families all over the country that aren't close with each other. The children still manage to grow up and get along fine. On the other hand if you make it an issue, if you let your child know she's different, or being treated differently then she will grow up feeling that way.

My children have 2 sets of grandparents. They are very close to 1 set and see the other set occasionally. One set will bring them on days out, weekends away (if they'd go with them!) the other set wouldn't walk to the shop with them! My kids don't care! They don't notice any difference between grandparents. They've adjusted themselves to the different houses. Children adjust themselves to situations all the time. What they might get away with at home, won't be tolerated in school, for instance.. and they know that and aren't upset by it.

Is it because her father is so unreliable that you are focusing on the grandparents?

SusieBlue

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

In their position I'd find it a bit overwhelming even if my own grown child wanted to call up with their child every day ... let alone my son's ex! Maybe ease off a bit, make a regular monthly arrangement rather than contacting them nearly every evening? They might just be trying to establish boundaries.

I agree, you may also be giving the impression that you are pushing them to be involved because you have a vested interest in getting back with their son.To them it may look as if you are using them as middle men between yourself and the baby's father.

They are adults and this is their decision. I would take their lead, suggest meeting them once a month on a set date for an hour, and let that be it. If they want any additional contact they can let you know. There is no point in pushing this when this isn't what they want.

Rosemary 10

WhiteRoses wrote: »

I agree, you may also be giving the impression that you are pushing them to be involved because you have a vested interest in getting back with their son.To them it may look as if you are using them as middle men between yourself and the baby's father.

They are adults and this is their decision. I would take their lead, suggest meeting them once a month on a set date for an hour, and let that be it. If they want any additional contact they can let you know. There is no point in pushing this when this isn't what they want.

I don't give a **** about their son I give a **** when they sit there and tell me I never bring my baby to see them and never give her to them and she has to be with them ....when that's just not true

Rosemary 10

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

I don't give a **** about their son I give a **** when they sit there and tell me I never bring my baby to see them and never give her to them and she has to be with them ....when that's just not true

Also How Is trying to involve my baby in HER FAMILY trying to get back with her dad ? 😂 Maybe all you lot justify keeping all your children from daddys side but I wasn't raised like that

SusieBlue

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

I don't give a **** about their son I give a **** when they sit there and tell me I never bring my baby to see them and never give her to them and she has to be with them ....when that's just not true

Okay, so next time they say you never bring the baby to see them whip out a text where they tell you not to call round with the baby.

Why do you care what these people think anyway? Their son only seems to be around when it suits him and they pawn you off any time you try to have your daughter spend time with them. Why are you forcing a relationship here when they clearly aren't pleasant to you and make no effort with your child?

Big Bag of Chips

My husband is the only one of his 6 siblings who visit his parents house. The rest of them wait for their parents to go to them. My husband still gets the phone calls saying "hello stranger". You have to stop being so affected by people. You are the primary carer of your child and you have to set your own boundaries.

Your child is 5 months old. You have a lot of years ahead of you to deal with them. I think maybe putting something in place, visit them every second weekend for the day? Invite them on a day out to the park or something. They might accept, they might decline, but what they say or do is out of your control.

I read some of your other posts and I see you are young. This is all new to you and you will eventually fall into your own routine and you will eventually get to a point where you will do what suits you and your daughter best and you won't let other people's opinions or input affect you quite so much.

For now, I think you need to take a step back from the parents. Maybe ring them Tues/Wed next week and offer to call over at the weekend if they're around. If they say they're not, say "no problem, sure we'll call in another day."

Suit yourself and don't make this an issue.. because it won't change things.

Rosemary 10

Miaireland wrote: »

Op, I think one of the issues here is the fact you ask the grandparents to look after your baby while you work. I get the feeling these grandparents do not want to be child care or else feel that they cannot mind three kids. Why not invite them over for coffee some afternoon and they can spend time with there granddaughter.

I asked once.

SusieBlue

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

Also How Is trying to involve my baby in HER FAMILY trying to get back with her dad ? 😂 Maybe all you lot justify keeping all your children from daddys side but I wasn't raised like that

You are missing the point. They cannot say that you are keeping the child away from them when they are the ones that won't meet up to see the child.
By stopping texting them trying to call over every day, you are not keeping the child away from them. You are simply stopping making effort with people who are making no effort with you.

Rosemary 10

beechwood55 wrote: »

What does your partner think? (I think from previous posts you are still together).

I wouldn't know beechwood of you find him let me know xxxxx

Whispered

i think you should be commended for trying op. Family is obviously important to you. How is your baby's relationship with your parents?

From experience there is no point trying to push for a relationship with grandparents if they aren't playing ball. Really and truly, they are the ones missing out. Just let their relationship develop naturally. A forced relationship isn't worth it.

Rosemary 10

Whispered wrote: »

i think you should be commended for trying op. Family is obviously important to you. How is your baby's relationship with your parents?

From experience there is no point trying to push for a relationship with grandparents if they aren't playing ball. Really and truly, they are the ones missing out. Just let their relationship develop naturally. A forced relationship isn't worth it.

It's great with my parents but they're in their mid 60s and find it hard to even lift my baby , she also has no cousins aunts or uncles on my side ...the other grandparents are much younger and they're a close family of anything ever happened to me and I wasn't here it's her dads family who will be the best support network for her