Issue with grandparents

Neyite

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

Also How Is trying to involve my baby in HER FAMILY trying to get back with her dad ? 😂 Maybe all you lot justify keeping all your children from daddys side but I wasn't raised like that

Mod:

Ok, dial back the digs at other posters, eh? They are genuinely trying to help and offer solutions and suggestions.

Neyite

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

It's great with my parents but they're in their mid 60s and find it hard to even lift my baby , she also has no cousins aunts or uncles on my side ...the other grandparents are much younger and they're a close family of anything ever happened to me and I wasn't here it's her dads family who will be the best support network for her

If they are much younger, have they been at work during the day before you call up to the house?

Big Bag of Chips

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

of anything ever happenedans I wasn't here it's her dads family who will be the best support network for her

I think you need to find another support network!

Has he siblings that you are close to? Mid 60s isn't old these days. My parents are early 70s and are still well able to go. My mother probably should be slowing down now, but with 10+ grandchildren she just can't. It's not in her. In fact ALL her grandchildren are blessed that she is so good because ALL grandparents on the opposite side (4 different families) aren't great. 2 families of grandchildren don't even know their grandparents on the other side. My sister in law hasn't spoken to her parents in 9 years. Their eldest child is 7.

Whispered

It sounds to me like you're doing your best in less than ideal circumstances. Many women, where the father isn't around, wouldn't bother pushing for a relationship.

Have you tried asking them straight out if everything is ok? From your posts it seems your childs father has gone AWOL. Maybe they're struggling with that (although in my view should be grateful for a relationship with their grandchild regardless). Maybe he's gone and somehow blamed you (not to say he has but I've seen one person in particular who could make himself out to be a saint while stealing, cheating, gambling, dealing). No matter what he does his mother blames whoever he's with at the time for being a bad influence. I don't know your circumstances at all but I guess what I'm trying to say is, there may be more going on than them just not having an interest.

If your relationship was good before, maybe you could just talk to them and clear the air.

Then there is the fact that at 5 months your baby wouldn't be as interactive as the toddlers. Some people just aren't brilliant with them when they're tiny and get more fun from the messing that comes with toddlers.

scarepanda

Rosemary 10 wrote:

No not in a relationship anymore but I never fell out with the grandparents and people on here jumping up saying I'm just asking while I work ...I ask nearly every evening after work will I call up! And I know the father hasn't been putting any pressure on them cz nobody's even heard from him in weeks.And of course it's going to affect my baby I'm trying to prevent it before she's old enough to understand...these forums Jesus people

Op, I never said anything about when you do or don't ask the grandparents to be involved. I never attacked you in my post, but I'm sorry if you got that from what I said.

I think if your not in a relationship with her dad anymore, irrespective of whether you have any ill feelings towards them or not, that that has more to do with it than anything you or your daughter have or have not done. Chances are there's something you don't necessarily know anything about that could be the underlying cause of this situation. It's not nice nor is it fair that your daughter is being treated in a different way than her cousins, especially when it's in a negative way. But In my honest opinion, and you don't have to agree with me, if you force the situation and 'make' them have a relationship with your daughter, your daughter will be worse off than if you let the relationship develop naturally, even that means that they don't have one. By all means keep the communication lines open and facilitate the relationship as much as possible, but don't force it.

That's my cents. I hope everything works out in the future.

Rosemary 10

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think you need to find another support network!

Has he siblings that you are close to? Mid 60s isn't old these days. My parents are early 70s and are still well able to go. My mother probably should be slowing down now, but with 10+ grandchildren she just can't. It's not in her. In fact ALL her grandchildren are blessed that she is so good because ALL grandparents on the opposite side (4 different families) aren't great. 2 families of grandchildren don't even know their grandparents on the other side. My sister in law hasn't spoken to her parents in 9 years. Their eldest child is 7.

Plenty of 70 year olds are more capable then 60 year olds I'm not here to compare parents

Wabbit Ears

My mother is much closer to my niece than my kids to the extent of openly saying she is her favourite in front of my kids. My kids don't need a relationship like that so I don't make any effort to force the issue, pretty much meaning they never see their grandmother. That's ok by me, They have loads of people in their lives who do make the effort.

She also says every time we meet that she doesn't see them enough and blah blah blah, It's just projecting, don't take it personally.

My advice, life is to short to try make anyone act the way you want them to. Close that book in your life and walk away. If they want to see the kid, The door is always open, though we all know they'll never use it.

Btw I may sound callous, truth be told it's absolutely heart breaking to be in this situation, but it is what it is and you make the best of the cards delt,even if you have to fold every now and again.

Big Bag of Chips

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

Plenty of 70 year olds are more capable then 60 year olds I'm not here to compare parents

But most mid 60 year olds would still be working. It's just your comment that your parents are barely able to lift a 5 month old baby because they are mid 60s seems a bit ott. But maybe they have health issues that cause them to be 'older'. I know my father in law is the same age as my father but he seems like a much older man for various reasons.

What do you want from this thread, OP? People can come on and tell you it's awful, and they're shocking, and how wrong it is that they won't bring your daughter on days out, or how unfair it is that they don't see her as much as the others, but what will that actually do for you?

All of us telling you what they should be doing isn't going to make them do it!

The only person we can offer advice to is you. So people are advising you on what you can do. Having an ideal in your head on how families should relate to each other and the relationship that families should want with each other is useless if the other people in the family don't play ball.

So you might not like to hear a lot of what you've heard, but at the end of the day you cannot force 50 something year old adults to do something just because you think they should do it, or should want to do it. All we can tell you is how you can deal with that, or how you can react to them to make things easier for yourself and your daughter.

I would still think that they know where you are if they want you. Offer to visit once or twice a month AT MOST. If they want more time with your child let them suggest it to you. If they say "we never see her" you can say "you always seem so busy. Any time you want just let me know and we'll call over".

Don't make it a fight. Don't make it an issue. They're not doing anything 'wrong'. They're just not doing what you think is right. There's a difference.

shesty

OP-on a totally practical note-I have a two year old and a one year old.Bringing a 2 year old, a 3 year old and five month old out for trips would be a massive effort for two people, never mind two grandparents who have long ago left thoe days behind.You need eyes in the back of your head, a lot of energy, a double buggy, an ability to control a toddler and a whole pile of stuff.That mightn't sound like much written down, but I can tell you that it is.Never mind keeping them all fed etc.I know that's not your main complaint, but I am telling you as a parent of two smallies that they simply may feel they just couldn't do it.And personally I'd understand that.So any trips with cousins would have to include you.They may or may not be aware that you would like/be ok to go along.

Secondly, they are in an awkward position.You are doing your best and to be honest, what you are doing is commendable.But if you are having that much of an issue with it, maybe you need to sit down with them and talk about it as adults.Tell them that you would like them to have a relationship with your child, and how could you make that happen. They may not understand where you're coming from-they may think that you want something from them (especially seeing as their son is not around), they may think you want free babysitting, whatever.I know that's not what you are looking for, but do they know that?

Thirdly....your child is five months old.I remember my first being that age,and I remember how it feels.A close family member has a first child of the same age.I cannot stress this enough....she doesn't know these people.She doesn't know what they are to her and it means nothing to her.She will be making strange with everyone over the next few months.And it's ok.It is totally ok.I have one outgoing child, and one child who clung to me every time anyone entered the room other than daddy or her sibling.And she's just fine.She's now old enough to recognise certain people and she's doing great.

I would not be calling on them every evening.Every week or two is more than enough.And I would not be stressing about this because time sorts so many things out when it comes to kids.I am learning this as I go, believe me.So much changes as they grow.We are utterly rubbish at time in today's world,we want everything solved now and .....that doesn't work with kids.All you can do is try to make sure they understand where you are coming from and you make some effort and then after that, you have to accept that you can't control this relationship between your child and her grandparents, and that everything changes as they get bigger.And that's all you can do right now.

cbyrd

OP, why don't you let them know! Send a text/e-mail and tell them you really want your baby to have a relationship with them. Then ask them to contact you so you can bring her over. Then leave it. You cannot force a relationship for your child. And you're only wrecking your head trying.

Jurgen Klopp

You know lots of exes get bitter and stop the grandparents of their ex partner seeing the child when the grandparents really want to be involved.

Then here you have an ex really going out of her way to let them see the child and they don't seem pushed.

I think your being really decent in your efforts Rosemary

Chocolate fiend

5 month olds need a lot more work than toddlers in some ways, the nappy changes, the feeding the bottles etc. They also don't enjoy the same things as toddlers and need more frequent naps. It would be much harder to add a 5 month old into the mix. When she gets older she will be more interesting for them.

LaurelH

In my experience, grandparents can run out of steam. They are often really present and involved for the first few grandchildren and, putting frankly, the novelty wears off! That's certainly not the case for everyone, but I can name a fair few sets of friends who have had this experience with their kid's grandparents.