Mother and new boyfriend.

Chloedancer

I'm a single mother, my daughter is 15. We're living with my mother for the foreseeable future.

For the last while I've been seeing someone. It's early days but it has been going ok. The problem is my mother's reaction. I don't go out very much in general, and the odd time I have before it's never been a problem. But last night he finished late and I went out to meet him afterwards it was after 11. When I told my mother I was heading out the look on her face floored me. It was like I was something she'd stepped in. I asked her what was wrong and she said it was none of her business what I did and went into her room and slammed the door.

It's not like I'm with a different bloke every other night.. this is the first person Ive been with in a long time but she made me feel dirty. I don't see how I can continue seeing him if this is her reaction. Any advice appreciated.

bp

Does she know he works late? She might have assumed it was a booty call (nothing wrong with that but for her generation it would be looked down on)

Chloedancer

To be honest I didn't tell her I was meeting him just that I was going out. I haven't told her about him yet. When I go out with him i just say I'm meeting friends. I wasn't ready for the inevitable inquisition because its only new to me. It's just the way she reacted it was like she presumed I was doing something nasty. Shes very old fashioned in her views. Me being a single mother never sat well with her no matter how much she pretends to be ok with it. She'd always say bizarre things like it's always the "good " girls that get caught because the others know what they're doing.

leggo

Chloedancer wrote: »

She'd always say bizarre things like it's always the "good " girls that get caught because the others know what they're doing.

Could be that, definitely, that sounds like she's trying to get her head around it all. But that's coming from a supportive, if old-fashioned, place at least and there's a certain weird sweetness to it too.

Is your mother separated/widowed? And is it just the two of you at home (with your child obviously)? I ask because I went out with a girl who lived with her mother, and it became a thing, especially as we got more serious. She was excellent helping out with babysitting and I felt we owed her our relationship at times because we couldn't have done it without her, but on the other hand other times she'd seem to be deliberately difficult cancelling babysitting at the last minute when she knew there were plans made. It felt like she could get jealous or resentful, first off at her daughter having something where she was alone, and also at the prospect of me potentially taking away her daughter and grandson if it went the distance. So keep in mind there could be some of that at play too.

In my case, we got creative to work around when it happened. I did stuff like booked the ex and her child and myself into a hotel so she got a weekend off (which also sent the subliminal message that we could manage without her too if needed and to play nice - the message landed and she ended up offering to take the child), I offered to take her out for a meal to say thank you and build a relationship directly with her, then I'd mind the son on my own when it got serious and let her and the daughter get a day shopping or whatever, that kinda stuff. Eventually she saw I was a decent guy and the silly stuff stopped happening. It's a tricky situation, though, I remember well.

Big Bag of Chips

People tend not to go out and meet friends after 11. And, if you don't go out much anyway, and suddenly are going out more often and at odd hours It's likely she knows or at least suspects you have a boyfriend but her problem could be that you haven't told her yet.

The only way to get past it is talk to her. Like two adults. Not like she's your mother and you're her child.

nuckeythompson

Move out to your own place

Think Kit

I would recommend asking her why she reacted the way she did when you told her you were going out. At the moment we're just speculating. She could​ think you're seeing someone but maybe she feels taken for granted that she's expected to babysit at the last minute or maybe she feels that you're not spending as much time together any more and this upset her. It could be something else entirely. You can start by saying you noticed she was upset and you want to talk about it to see if there's anything you can do. It's important that you know the exact cause of her reaction before you try to come up with solutions.

Addle

Your mother knows there's something you're not telling her.
You're living in her house and I imagine that she thinks it's a bit disrespectful.
She'll probably be delighted if she knows you're going out with someone.
She probably isn't so happy imagining that you're just someone's bootycall.

Chloedancer

leggo wrote: »

Is your mother separated/widowed? And is it just the two of you at home (with your child obviously)? .

Yes just me and my mother. She has never had a problem babysitting before. I actually had the babysitting conversation a number of times in the past. She refused to allow me to have a babysitter in the house while she was there and she said that there's no real minding on my daughter. She just potters around the house in the evenings talking to her friends on skype or playing games on her console. She goes to bed when she's told. She's a good kid really. We're not at the stage where I would be ready to introduce him to my daughter yet but if it gets there I'll bear your suggestions in mind.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

The only way to get past it is talk to her. Like two adults. Not like she's your mother and you're her child.

Communication has never really been her strong suit. She's giving me the silent treatment at the moment so talking to her is a bit difficult. Its early days yet and was waiting until I was feeling more secure in it before I told anyone. I tend to be very cautious about this sort of thing mostly because I don't want it having any effect on my daughter. I didn't want to have what happened before and tell everyone and have it fall apart five minutes later.

nuckeythompson wrote: »

Move out to your own place

I would love to, believe me, but that's not possible at the moment.

Addle wrote: »

She'll probably be delighted if she knows you're going out with someone.
She probably isn't so happy imagining that you're just someone's bootycall.

She knows that I'm seeing someone that much is obvious from her reaction. I know she doesn't know the details of it but how she sees me is upsetting me. From her reaction she clearly thinks it's wrong.

She has always held me to a higher standard of behaviour than my brothers. When they lived here they had their girlfriends stay over. One of my brothers' girlfriends even moved in for a year. But I was told when me and my daughter came to live here that I wasn't having any "overnight guests" and no one else would be allowed to move in in the future if things went that way. Fair enough it's her house. When I got pregnant it was a big secret hushed up and shameful, but when my brother's girlfriend got pregnant there was celebrations and champagne. She couldn't wait to broadcast it. When I was seeing my ex a couple of years ago I stayed out with him overnight and got some snide comments about my "carry on". I had been with him over a year at that stage. I can't help letting it all bother me.

nuckeythompson

Chloedancer wrote:

I would love to, believe me, but that's not possible at the moment.

Single mother? No problem getting rent allowance in this country for single mothers

ArtyC

nuckeythompson wrote: »

Single mother? No problem getting rent allowance in this country for single mothers

That's hardly helpful and doesn't answer her question . No need to be smart

nuckeythompson

ArtyC wrote:

That's hardly helpful and doesn't answer her question . No need to be smart

Not trying to be smart. It's a solution for both parties

lifeandtimes

nuckeythompson wrote: »

Not trying to be smart. It's a solution for both parties

I don't think the OP is ignorrent of her entitlements, there is obviously a reason she is living in her mothers house which she doesn't have to announce to us. Her question is regarding her mother and her reaction to her going out.

Keep with the topic please

Op you will need to just have an open talk with her about the situation with your boyfriend and what she would consider acceptable to go out and her baby sit, it is her house after all and youve set ground rules then there shouldn't be an issue

LirW

nuckeythompson wrote: »

Single mother? No problem getting rent allowance in this country for single mothers

Depending on where she lives she'll have a VERY hard time actually finding something.

Chloedancer

nuckeythompson wrote: »

Single mother? No problem getting rent allowance in this country for single mothers

I'm not entitled to rent supplement. HAP will only pay up to 1250 in Dublin. The going rate for a 2 bed within a commutable distance of my daughter's school is starting at 1900 so Id have to pay the difference to the landlord. And because I'm working I'd have to pay the City council differential rent which would cancel out a good chunk of what they pay anyway.

Anyway that's beside the point. If I move out my mother won't be able to afford the house and all the bills. Since the collapse everything has changed. I'm not going to see my mother lose her home or fall into unmanagable debt struggling to keep it. She won't move. She was born in this house and she says they're going to carry her out of it in a box.

nuckeythompson

Point taken

Ursus Horribilis

If money's that tight for your mother, I'm guessing she'll be pragmatic enough not to kick you out. It's only a couple of days since this happened so she'll surely have time to process things and calm down. It's unfortunate that she has such antiquated views but she is what she is. Hopefully with a bit of time, things can return to something reasonably civil.

Dixie Chick

You did nothing wrong and worrying about your mothers reactions is probably taking the nice buzz out of this new thing for you too. I suggest when she is calmer and not giving you the silent treatment that you are just very honest with her and say that while things are progressing nicely they are nowhere near the serious stage. it will put her mind to rest but allows you some breathing space.
If she still is unreasonable about it, then it is up to you how much you let it effect you.

Big Bag of Chips

What's your relationship history like, OP? Has your mother cause for concern? Have you been strung along by fellas before? From your mothers perspective, you getting a call to go out at 11 might look like one thing - he wasn't bothered enough to see you all night and then called you at bed time! If communication has never been her strong point then maybe she's not exactly expressing herself very well. Maybe rather than being disgusted at you being with someone, maybe she's just worried about you. Or she might be disgusted at what she perceives to be you accepting late night calls as a 'relationship'. Maybe she feels you should have higher standards. If she doesn't know the circumstances, she'll make up her own.

I assume you're at least in your 30s, so you're obviously old enough to make your own decisions, and your own mistakes, but when you live at home, with your mother she's going to know about almost every detail of your life. She's going to notice your comings and goings. And like it or not she is going to form opinions based on that.

Not a lot you can do about that, if you're not in a position to talk to her about it all.

Chloedancer

Dixie Chick wrote: »

You did nothing wrong and worrying about your mothers reactions is probably taking the nice buzz out of this new thing for you too. I suggest when she is calmer and not giving you the silent treatment that you are just very honest with her and say that while things are progressing nicely they are nowhere near the serious stage. it will put her mind to rest but allows you some breathing space.
If she still is unreasonable about it, then it is up to you how much you let it effect you.

Yes I was having a nice time. It's kind of taken the shine off it a little. My sister in law was around today so I used the excuse and started talking to her when she couldn't ignore me. Probably a bit sneaky but I'm hoping it has broken the ice with her and I'll be able to talk to her on her own later when my daughter has gone to bed.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

What's your relationship history like, OP? Has your mother cause for concern? Have you been strung along by fellas before?

It's not great to be honest. My daughter's father did a disappearing act and left me to raise her by myself. My last boyfriend messed me around a bit too. But there have been one or two others along the way that were fine and treated me well but it just didn't work out for one reason or another. One of them got on better with her than he did with me.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

From your mothers perspective, you getting a call to go out at 11 might look like one thing - he wasn't bothered enough to see you all night and then called you at bed time! If communication has never been her strong point then maybe she's not exactly expressing herself very well. Maybe rather than being disgusted at you being with someone, maybe she's just worried about you. Or she might be disgusted at what she perceives to be you accepting late night calls as a 'relationship'. Maybe she feels you should have higher standards. If she doesn't know the circumstances, she'll make up her own.

I assume you're at least in your 30s, so you're obviously old enough to make your own decisions, and your own mistakes, but when you live at home, with your mother she's going to know about almost every detail of your life. She's going to notice your comings and goings. And like it or not she is going to form opinions based on that.

Not a lot you can do about that, if you're not in a position to talk to her about it all.

I'll try and talk to her properly tonight. To be honest I've never been comfortable sharing information about my private life with her. She can be very judgemental about the way other people live their lives. She has probably jumped to the conclusion I only went out that night for one reason, but she wouldn't approve of me spending the night with someone even if she knew we were in a relationship, especially a new one or one that hasn't gotten to the serious stage yet. It's just a bit upsetting that I do my best for her yet I seem to constantly earn her disapproval over the way I live my life, while my brothers live their lives any way they want and they're the apples of her eye. Not that I would begrudge them that, I'm very close with both of them, and they've been good to my daughter and I over the years, but I seem to always end up being a bit of a disappointment to her.

MouseTail

Have you ever lived away from home? There appears to be a quite unhealthy interdependent dynamic going on which can't be great for your child to witness, her grandmothers disapproval of her mother, and her mothers dependence on her grandmother as an adult woman.

I would look to rebuilding an independent life, what do you plan on doing when your child leaves school, continue to live with your mother?

Chloedancer

MouseTail wrote: »

Have you ever lived away from home? There appears to be a quite unhealthy interdependent dynamic going on which can't be great for your child to witness, her grandmothers disapproval of her mother, and her mothers dependence on her grandmother as an adult woman.

I would look to rebuilding an independent life, what do you plan on doing when your child leaves school, continue to live with your mother?

Yes I have and the plan was always to get my own place again but unfortunately things didn't work out that way and for the foreseeable future I'm stuck here. I can make (and I have made) all the plans I like for the future but I have to live in the present and find a way to make the best of the situation I'm in now.

arayess

harsh as it sounds OP maybe let your mother know how much you both rely on each other and that she shouldn't be so judgmental.

She probably has the idea that it's her house you live in and the old saying of "my house my rules" that a lot of parent have.
She needs to know (respectfully of course) that the dynamic isn't the same as when you were a child/teenager.

Chloedancer

Thanks for the replies but the whole thing is moot now. We've broken up. Well I say we, my messages in WhatsApp last night were read and ignored and now there's just a grey tick which I presume means he's blocked me. He's also unfriended me on Facebook and blocked me there too. So his talk of wanting a relationship and exclusivity don't mean very much. I've read about this on here but I thought it was something that just happened with online dating and even then only after a couple of dates, not with someone you've been seeing for a while. Apparently not. I'm just glad I hadn''t told anyone about him.

Anyhoo, my mother found me a bit teary and so I told her what was going on. She was trying to be sympathetic, but according to her people can only treat me like a wh*'re if I let them??? I think she meant it to be supportive? So not feeling too great about myself at the moment.

m'lady

I'm sorry to hear he has treated you like that op. I don't think it's very nice what your mother is saying, and while maybe she's being 'supportive' it doesn't come across that way.
However, do you think there is a possibility that you subconsciously knew that this guy was like this, and that is why you kept it quiet?

I think when you are a bit stronger you need to sit down and have a conversation with your Mam to explain that you are no longer a teenager but an adult and a mother in your own right, as this dynamic can't be healthy for anyone,including your own daughter.

I hope you feel better soon..

rock22

No advice really,
I was reading your thread this morning when I came to the final post. I am really sorry this has happened to you.

leggo

Chloedancer wrote: »

Thanks for the replies but the whole thing is moot now. We've broken up. Well I say we, my messages in WhatsApp last night were read and ignored and now there's just a grey tick which I presume means he's blocked me. He's also unfriended me on Facebook and blocked me there too. So his talk of wanting a relationship and exclusivity don't mean very much. I've read about this on here but I thought it was something that just happened with online dating and even then only after a couple of dates, not with someone you've been seeing for a while. Apparently not. I'm just glad I hadn''t told anyone about him.

Anyhoo, my mother found me a bit teary and so I told her what was going on. She was trying to be sympathetic, but according to her people can only treat me like a wh*'re if I let them??? I think she meant it to be supportive? So not feeling too great about myself at the moment.

For what it's worth, though it seems like you know all of this thankfully, the way he treated you isn't as a whore. Ghosting is just a sign of someone selfish, inconsiderate and a bit chicken ****. It speaks to him, not to you. I'm sorry to hear it happened though that sucks.

As regards your mother, maybe learn from this what you can and can't go to her about. She likely won't ever understand what dating is like in 2017, so going to her for emotional support and confiding in her probably won't help you. But you can figure out how to assert yourself and that you are entitled to live your own life as you see fit, while confiding the highs and lows with someone else so they can't be used against you. If you can figure out a way to improve the situation with her regarding you dating then this experience won't have been for nothing.

Neyite

Chloedancer wrote: »

Anyhoo, my mother found me a bit teary and so I told her what was going on. She was trying to be sympathetic, but according to her people can only treat me like a wh*'re if I let them??? I think she meant it to be supportive? So not feeling too great about myself at the moment.

Clumsily done, and a bit blunt but I get her meaning and I think she was trying to give you some decent advice there. Going out at 11pm to meet someone even if they are just finished work would be perceived to be a booty call. Booty calls are fine by the way but it sounds like you don't want to have casual hook-ups and are looking for a proper relationship. She knows that's what you want too, and sees you hurting and wants to try in her old-fashioned way that you set out from the start how you'd like to be treated.

If you met him at 11pm, what was the date? did you go for something to eat or a late showing of a movie or go clubbing? Or was it just a booty call? If it was the latter then it sounds like the reason you are blocked is that he was doing online dating for casual hookups and you fell for his spiel for a few dates until he got what he wanted out of you.

whoopsadoodles

Have a think about the fact that your mother may not want you to have a relationship in case you move out of the house. She needs you there, remember?

Don't let her say things like she did last night. She's not being supportive. She sounds very manipulative to be honest.

Sorry it didn't work out with the fella

Dixie Chick

Ah no, that is a pity. I think how he done it just shows that you had a lucky escape as that is so disrespectful.

You mother using the wh... word was very cruel

Sounds like you are having a ****ty time now.

Chloedancer

leggo wrote: »

For what it's worth, though it seems like you know all of this thankfully, the way he treated you isn't as a whore. Ghosting is just a sign of someone selfish, inconsiderate and a bit chicken ****. It speaks to him, not to you. I'm sorry to hear it happened though that sucks.

To be honest while I liked him and I'm a bit sad it didn't work out I hadn't gotten overly invested in him yet so I'll get over it. It's the way he handled it that has really upset me more than anything. I didn't have him down as a d!ck

Neyite wrote: »

Going out at 11pm to meet someone even if they are just finished work would be perceived to be a booty call. Booty calls are fine by the way but it sounds like you don't want to have casual hook-ups and are looking for a proper relationship. She knows that's what you want too, and sees you hurting and wants to try in her old-fashioned way that you set out from the start how you'd like to be treated.

If you met him at 11pm, what was the date? did you go for something to eat or a late showing of a movie or go clubbing? Or was it just a booty call? If it was the latter then it sounds like the reason you are blocked is that he was doing online dating for casual hookups and you fell for his spiel for a few dates until he got what he wanted out of you.

We just got something to eat in town nothing fancy and then went to his place nearby. I didn't really think of it as a booty call but to him it probably was.

Neyite wrote: »

Clumsily done, and a bit blunt but I get her meaning and I think she was trying to give you some decent advice there.

She hasn't ever been the most tactful person. When I was pregnant years ago I gave money to someone begging. She was giving out to me about being a pushover and I was saying that I found it hard to say no. She pointed at my belly and said "Well that's obvious". She was trying to be funny but it backfired on her spectacularly. She just doesn't think before she speaks sometimes or think about how what she says will sound out loud, but I get what she was trying to say.

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

Have a think about the fact that your mother may not want you to have a relationship in case you move out of the house. She needs you there, remember?

Don't let her say things like she did last night. She's not being supportive. She sounds very manipulative to be honest.

Sorry it didn't work out with the fella

I don't think she means to be manipulative but I don't think me being in a relationship makes her too happy so I'll take that on board. For now I can't go anywhere and she knows that, and I wouldn't see her stuck but we can't stay here forever either.