22 year age gap too big?

torontogyal

Hi y'all, I've got this huge crush on a 41 yr old woman. She's in the middle of a messy divorce (yay!) and we've had drinks together and kissed before. Problem is i lied about my age. I said i was 26 but looked "young" for my age. I'm actually 19 but i'm really attracted to her and don't want to lose her. If sarah paulson and that granny could overcome their 30 year age gap, i can totally do this right? I don't know if i should tell her the truth or continue deceiving her. Advice please:)?

pwurple

No to the deception... she will find out, and then what's the plan?

The general rule of thumb for whether it's a bit icky with age differences is "half your age plus seven"

So for an 18 year old, the youngest girlfriend would be 16, (9+7=16). For your 41 year old, we'll round down to 40, and say that's 20 + 7. So 27.


Now, it's a generalisation of course, and people differ, so take that with a pinch of salt.

Rick_

General rule my arse. If you are happy with one another and you are both of a legal age, then go be happy and forget what anyone else thinks.

But if you are lying about your age then you're off to a bad start. She will find out and then what are you gonna do? Building a relationship on a lie is not going to work out.

SmartinMartin

Don't mind that invented general rule boIIoxology ffs, jump on and enjoy.

pl4ichjgy17zwd

I think if you're both happy, then it doesn't matter but you need to be truthful.

Also your enthusiasm that she's going through a messy divorce is oddly placed, and there's no need to insult Holland Taylor.

One eyed Jack

Darwin Helpless Ammunition wrote: »

I think if you're both happy, then it doesn't matter but you need to be truthful.

Also your enthusiasm that she's going through a messy divorce is oddly placed, and there's no need to insult Holland Taylor.

I don't think that was the way the OP meant it really. I think she just meant it makes a complicated situation more awkward is all.

OP it won't be the age gap will be the determining factor here but rather whether you're both on the same page in terms of your maturity levels and life experience.

The relationship may not be off to a great start given that you've felt you had to lie to the woman you have a crush on while she's in the middle of a messy divorce, but the thing is, if it doesn't work out, you're more likely to bounce back than she would, so you'd need to be aware too that she may not see you the same way as you see her, and may not be so interested in a serious relationship at the moment.

Personally, I think it's quite a lot you're taking on for someone as young as you are, but that's not to say it couldn't work out either, just that it generally doesn't. You may well prove to be the exception, but don't be too disappointed if you aren't, you'll still meet plenty more great people and there's no reason you couldn't stay good friends.

pl4ichjgy17zwd

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I don't think that was the way the OP meant it really. I think she just meant it makes a complicated situation more awkward is all.

Apologies OP if I misread, it can be hard to interpret sarcasm in text.

littleteapot

I started dating an older woman when I was 20 (she was 43) and it was the worst mistake I ever made. It lasted for most of my 20s and I now feel like I missed out on having fun and living my life. I'm in my early 30s now and I still haven't really recovered. I really wouldn't recommend it tbh. And even if you did want to continue with her, I don't think you've started out on the right note with the lies about your age.

Professor Moriarty

torontogyal wrote: »

Hi y'all, I've got this huge crush on a 41 yr old woman. She's in the middle of a messy divorce (yay!) and we've had drinks together and kissed before. Problem is i lied about my age. I said i was 26 but looked "young" for my age. I'm actually 19 but i'm really attracted to her and don't want to lose her. If sarah paulson and that granny could overcome their 30 year age gap, i can totally do this right? I don't know if i should tell her the truth or continue deceiving her. Advice please:)?

Keep lying to her. Lies are the foundation of any good relationship.

worded

The age diff makes no difference now, It may when you are 50 and your partner 72

Ah Fcuk it, who cares

And keep lying about your age if it makes you happier and stops her getting
Cold feet.

wakka12

People saying age gaps don't matter are being silly, because they matter to a huge amount of people and if you do get into a serious relationship with her be prepared for lots of remarks and comments on that age gap.

Also, if you want any chance with her then I would not start this with a lie. Much less with a woman much older who will have a lot of dating experience and has even been through a divorce, I doubt she'll take kindly to that lie!

Heebie

If you like her, and she likes you, it's nobody else's business.
You may or may not be able to make something work, but it's between the two of you.

But... Be careful, since she's in the middle of a bad breakup. She's probably not emotionally stable right now. It's likely not a good time to pursue a relationship, nor to assume that her behaviour means she's looking for something long term.
She might be responsive simply because you're supportive, or even just that you can take her mind off of other things, and that could lead to you getting hurt. Don't read too much into anything and give her plenty of time to deal with her emotions and change of circumstances in relation to her breakup.

Permabear

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pauliebdub

I know a handful of people both gay and straight who are in relationships with someone where there a massive age difference and it seems to work really well for them. I can't see how age really matters all that much, I'm often attracted to older more mature types, some of my friends are attracted to younger. Just go with the flow and banish the hangups.

AllForIt

Permabear wrote: »

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And I suppose the prejudice is worse if it's an older man with a younger woman rather than visa-versa. As if relationships are just one way. Not much though given to the right of the younger person to be with an older person. As if the younger person is being forced to do something they don't want to do.

wakka12

AllForIt wrote: »

And I suppose the prejudice is worse if it's an older man with a younger woman rather than visa-versa. As if relationships are just one way. Not much though given to the right of the younger person to be with an older person. As if the younger person is being forced to do something they don't want to do.

I would have thought older man with younger woman would have less prejudice simply because its more common. I have never met a woman dating a man 20 years younger

And I very much agree that people often think of age gap relationships as the older person seeming to be taking advantage of the younger person somehow which is ridiculous.

jobbridge4life

I have to be honest. Very large age gaps do make me feel a little uncomfortable. It is just a bias and one that I am trying to deal with. I'm 6 days older than my partner... so perhaps I'm coming at things from a different perspective!

At the end of the day though it's not my business or anyone else's and if the two people involved are happy with eachother that is all that should really matter.

AllForIt

wakka12 wrote: »

I would have thought older man with younger woman would have less prejudice simply because its more common. I have never met a woman dating a man 20 years younger

Well I suppose it's down to ones personal experience. I've personally never met any either way.

And I very much agree that people often think of age gap relationships as the older person seeming to be taking advantage of the younger person somehow which is ridiculous.

Yes it's this idea that the older person is perving on them , only for sexual relations. As if a younger person couldn't enjoy perving on a older person for the same reason.

Ppl can be very weird about the way they internally perceive other ppl's sexual relations in my experience. I can't propose a reason why that should be but I believe it to be so.

Permabear

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