Do men bother approaching women anymore?

worded

Bambi985 wrote: »

In fairness you can hardly use TV3's Midday as a barometer of what women generally think about anything, let alone online dating. It's probably the cheapest, most low-rent trash on Irish TV.

What has 30 legs and stinks of p1ss?




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The front row of live at 3

worded

major bill wrote: »

Yer wan caked with makeup and whos online pictures are prob all face pics gives out about men not looking like their profile!! The Tinder/POF generation in a nutshell!!

I heard online dating is like SuperQuinn for wimins

Rows and rows of choice

For men we get a corner shelf at Aldi

Surreptitious

Widdershins wrote: »

''Can't smile straight'' urgh :eek: why do people do it?

Its definitely some extra messing with the camera or lighting as well, though. I've seen similar photos of a woman on Facebook.

Filtering through edit on phones.

silverharp

worded wrote: »

I heard online dating is like SuperQuinn for wimins

Rows and rows of choice

For men we get a corner shelf at Aldi

the problem for the gals is probably that once the produce has been in the fridge, it makes its way back to the supermarket :pac:

take everything

Mr.H wrote: »

I sincerely apologize if I sound like I'm picking on you or your points. I really don't mean to.

I was saying about the not approaching thing because you suggested the men shouldn't "pester" women on a night out. But the term pester is very subjective. One person's pester is another person's socialising.

The second point of saying a one fits all approach directly relates to the first point. Saying hi to someone while they are enjoying a drink with their friends is pestering to some people.

You can be nice polite and non intrusive and still come across as a weirdo. The issue is respect is a two way street.

Have you ever had a girl pursue you and you didn't fancy her? It's horrible. Not that she likes you but letting her down without being a d&&+. Unfortunately not enough people care about rejecting nicely

Haven't read the rest of the thread but I just saw this post and you rarely see this sort of respect in a post in AH or even online.

The other poster describes your interpretation as odd and you take the disarming route rather than escalate. This is refreshing and in short supply (online and in the real world).

It's something I would try to do as well but I notice everyday how people (men and women) do NOT do this. They get their back up almost immediately. Say something funny and completely non-threatening to a complete stranger and it's no guarantee they won't get defensive.

I like your story about how you met your other half and It's easy to believe in light of this disarming post alone.

I dunno. People today amaze me with their expectations and stupidity. It's rare enough (online and in real life) you get the opposite. Maybe 5-10% of people are like this. My aim is to keep on finding that 5-10%.

SpitItOut

Richard Hillman wrote: »

There is no way to approach a female without giving off the impression that you are a psycho or a sex offender.

Why did this post get so many likes! It's terrible mentality.

Outlaw Pete

SpitItOut wrote: »

Why did this post get so many likes! It's terrible mentality.

Cause it was a joke maybe.

buried

What lads need is Cyrano de Bergerac in the corner. The David Mitchell one

take everything

buried wrote: »

What lads need is Cyrano de Bergerac in the corner. The David Mitchell one

Man that's brilliant.

SpitItOut

Buddly wrote: »

pilly wrote:

In Canada recently and a guy actually approached me in a cafe! Such a refreshing approach.


Made my day


Have had the same experience all over the continent.

I think irish men lack balls to be honest.[\quote]

You're assuming that a sober, daytime approach to a woman in Canada elicits the same response as an approach in Ireland.

It doesn't.

Butt would you have tolerated that from an Irish guy, if it happened in Ireland. You aside, do you think other girls would tolerate it! It's not as simple as Irish men lacking balls. It's the culture. Dating revolves around alcohol, and is more hierarchical here than in the US.

Maybe Irish men lack balls because Irish women have no idea how to give a subtle and graceful rejection.

pilly

SpitItOut wrote: »

Buddly wrote: »

Butt would you have tolerated that from an Irish guy, if it happened in Ireland. You aside, do you think other girls would tolerate it! It's not as simple as Irish men lacking balls. It's the culture. Dating revolves around alcohol, and is more hierarchical here than in the US.

Irish men lack balls because Irish have no idea how to give a subtle and graceful rejection.

Well I wouldn't call myself a girl, more of a woman but yeah I would welcome it from an Irish guy, it shows courage and even if I wasn't into him I would be polite and have a chat, what harm?

I suppose a lot of younger girls wouldn't be so comfortable with it out of embarrassment but I think most women over say 30 would be.

erica74

Jim Bob Scratcher wrote: »

Us blokes are gentlemen. I hope other ladies take note of how to handle a situation like this :pac:

You know, I thanked this post without really taking it in and after thinking about it, I'm wondering how other ladies would handle that situation?

One eyed Jack

erica74 wrote: »

You know, I thanked this post without really taking it in and after thinking about it, I'm wondering how other ladies would handle that situation?

Other women in my experience at least have handled it exactly the same way (and not just married women but lesbian women too, often ended up just chatting for the night), but for the guys complaining that women tell them to fcuk off after they approached them, I've seen the way some guys approach women and I've seen women tell them to fcuk off, and I can completely understand why they did and all. If a woman approached me the same way I'd be inclined to wish she would fcuk off and all.

Sometimes it's absolutely necessary to be straight out with people because any hint of politeness and they won't take the hint the first time.

I was out last night for a few drinks after work with one of the lads and I hadn't even intended going out, but he told me we'd be meeting a group of people down the pub. The girl he's seeing and her friend turned up, and it didn't take me long to figure out they were trying to set up a double date. The friend was interested but I wasn't, but the four of us still had a good night all the same and there was no awkwardness about it or anything.

neonsofa

erica74 wrote: »

You know, I thanked this post without really taking it in and after thinking about it, I'm wondering how other ladies would handle that situation?

The same I would imagine. There's been a few times where a guy has asked me out while I've been in a relationship and all it takes is "thanks for that, don't want to lead anybody on or give mixed signals so just know I'm in a relationship, if you fancy that drink as friends then sure, if not no hard feelings". And they have all been gents about it. The only time a person wasn't cool about it was one of the few times ive been approached by a guy in a bar, and I got called a "stuck up polak bitch". I'm irish, never set foot in Poland.

geraardo

Beyondgone wrote: »

The maternity hospitals are packed..so someone must be approaching someone. Can't all be miraculous conceptions.

LOL:D

professore

I was out recently at a music venue that was fairly crowded and was dancing in a small group. There was a table behind me and there was a "lady" sitting at it who I hadn't even seen. She tapped me on the shoulder and I turned round and she said "why don't you sit on my f*king lap altogether" . She was with a guy who had an expression like he wanted someone to put him out of his misery. I just turned away and ignored her completely.

I can only imagine what she would be like if someone ACTUALLY tried to hit on her.

scopper

I might be rare here as an approacher, but I do think it can be a mixed bag with Irish girls. Some will be almost shocked that you did it, some will think you are a total nutjob

There is no middle ground.

Persephone kindness

Of course It happens. I never really realize though until after ...oh THAT'S what he was doing! I just think they are talking ( cuz sometimes guys are just being friendly Dublin guys are really nice

I mean how else do you even make FRIENDS ..if you don't talk to other people?

They might ask to sit or if you want anything.

It's more foreign guys though admittedly. There is no pressure about it. They are always really cool.

I am pretty friendly anyway.

SGSM

Age must have a big factor in this topic. Women in their 20's, it seems to be a no no from what I've seen.

Persephone kindness

SGSM wrote: »

Age must have a big factor in this topic. Women in their 20's, it seems to be a no no from what I've seen.

Im in my 20's everyone is diff

Alpha_zero

Persephone kindness wrote: »

Im in my 20's everyone is diff

Sup

Galwayguy35

Can't see me going chatting women up in pubs again, using OD sites for now.

I remember years ago talking to someone at the bar and some little bollix tried to drop me for chatting up his wife, as if I was supposed to be a mind reader and know she was married.

Persephone kindness

Dublin lads and ladies are in my opinion very hard on themselves in terms of blaming themselves for social stuff overthinking ...chill ..it's ok.

They are very hard on themselves in general actually.

SGSM

Persephone kindness wrote:

Im in my 20's everyone is diff

I don't mean women reacting badly either. My female friends have said they would feel so awkward if approached by a guy in a sober setting.

Edit: I'm from Donegal so maybe it's a no no for Donegal women in their 20's lol
I can't use the accent on them either.

dev100

Galwayguy35 wrote:

I remember years ago talking to someone at the bar and some little bollix tried to drop me for chatting up his wife, as if I was supposed to be a mind reader and know she was married.

The little lads / small man syndrome . Always look at the wedding finger first ðŸ˜

arayess

i always chat to women on a night out...feels like i've wasted the night without trying...

i'm 39 so maybe it's an age thing I wouldn't be yapping to many girls under 30

Yourself isit

The reason women are rude in clubs is because the conversation isn't just a conversation - it's generally seen a prelude to sex. Or a snog. Or something along those lines, particularly by the guy making the point to chat up.

In a house party nobody acts like that because even though you may be chatting somebody up, You could also just be friendly. It's a party, talk to everybody.

For that reason house parties are the way forward. And tinder.

Richard Hillman

Yourself isit wrote: »

The reason women are rude in clubs is because the conversation isn't just a conversation - it's generally seen a prelude to sex. Or a snog. Or something along those lines, particularly by the guy making the point to chat up.

In a house party nobody acts like that because even though you may be chatting somebody up, You could also just be friendly. It's a party, talk to everybody.

For that reason host parties are the way forward. And tinder.

Exactly. Nobody goes up to a strange person of the opposite in a public environment without sex being the intention. And women are rightfully defensive in that environment.

In a closed off private environment, it can be deemed as being social or friendly.

Userinfo3333

It's impossible to know if someone likes being chatted up, it's all guess work. For me I would be mortified if some girl said she's got a boyfriend or isn't interested. The thought is that it's not even worth the risk cause Irish women can be very cold. Culturally it's not natural for us without thinking it's sex straight away.

Knex*

Userinfo3333 wrote: »

It's impossible to know if someone likes being chatted up, it's all guess work. For me I would be mortified if some girl said she's got a boyfriend or isn't interested. The thought is that it's not even worth the risk cause Irish women can be very cold. Culturally it's not natural for us without thinking it's sex straight away.

Just politely say, "No worries. Enjoy your night.".

Nothing to be mortified about, tbh.

Mister Vain

There's also the escorts. Why bother approaching women in a club only to get rejected when you could just browse online and be having sex with an attractive woman in an hour. There are a lot more options now.

bodice ripper

I once watched an American friend of mine try to buy a girl at a bar a drink. She said she was there with her boyfriend. He asked where he was, and when she pointed him out, he bought both of them a drink, had the chats with them for a while, and then moved on.

I have never seen anyone so consistently successful with women. I think it because he isn't in it for just one thing.

Dyr

professore wrote: »

I was out recently at a music venue that was fairly crowded and was dancing in a small group. There was a table behind me and there was a "lady" sitting at it who I hadn't even seen. She tapped me on the shoulder and I turned round and she said "why don't you sit on my f*king lap altogether" . She was with a guy who had an expression like he wanted someone to put him out of his misery. I just turned away and ignored her completely.

I can only imagine what she would be like if someone ACTUALLY tried to hit on her.

"If you were santa claus I still wouldn't sit on your ****ing lap"

Userinfo3333

bodice ripper wrote: »

I once watched an American friend of mine try to buy a girl at a bar a drink. She said she was there with her boyfriend. He asked where he was, and when she pointed him out, he bought both of them a drink, had the chats with them for a while, and then moved on.

I have never seen anyone so consistently successful with women. I think it because he isn't in it for just one thing.

I wonder how different that would of been if the guy was Irish?????. The boyfriend might have reacted differently.

bodice ripper

Userinfo3333 wrote:

I wonder how different that would of been if the guy was Irish?????. The boyfriend might have reacted differently.

I don't think so. He is genuinely friendly, and people are pretty cool with it.

It's weird that the thread features "oh it's different for foreigners" so much. It screams "I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas" to me.

Userinfo3333

bodice ripper wrote: »

I don't think so. He is genuinely friendly, and people are pretty cool with it.

It's weird that the thread features "oh it's different for foreigners" so much. It screams "I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas" to me.

Perception is everything, it's a cool approach your friend has to be fair. I've moved to a new county so it is quiet a good way to get to talk to people without having one thing in mind. Cheers for the tip ðŸ˜႒

Wibbs

Userinfo3333 wrote: »

I wonder how different that would of been if the guy was Irish?????. The boyfriend might have reacted differently.

The "Exotic" factor tends to help. An Irishman in the US would generally get more leeway than a local in the same scenario. Beyond the attraction stuff, there is more leeway given because the locals tend to run a default of "ah well, he's not from around here and probably doesn't know the score" kinda thing. And being different is just more interesting for all, women and men. Can be applied most anywhere.

EG I've heard Irish women are cliquey, but other nationalities are much less so*. It would be my humble and experience that Italian, French(esp French) and Spanish people tend to be far more tied to a social circle and men from those cultures will tell you it can be hard to break into unless you have a shared member of that clique. Yet I didn't find that to be much of an issue at all. Again exotic factor at play.

Another aspect of this is if a guy sees he's more accepted, or believes in exotic factor in the first place, he's going to be more confident and less self conscious and less desperate as he thinks he now has more choices. This makes a huge difference. Look at the well known thing of guys saying they couldn't get laid in a bordello when single, but the second they get a girlfriend they find they get more attention. Partly this can be down to seeming a better option to some women because another woman reckons you're worth a go/not a raving nutcase, but mostly it's down to the guy not being as self conscious, not being so desperate and obvious in looking for anything more.


Tl;DR? 1) Pretend to yourself you have a girlfriend and 2) pretend you're foreign. Maybe practice an accent. Wave your arms around a lot if you're going for Latin, shrug your shoulders and purse your lips if going for French.




*Again in general I have found the Irish far more gregarious a culture. On the surface anyway. Actually it's mostly surface, but we're better at that. EG Irish people abroad are more prone to greeting other Irish who are complete strangers. I recall being on the piss in France with some locals and this Cork lad put the talk on me at the bar and we had a fair old chat. The locals asked me did I know him and when I said no, they couldn't quite get their head around this near instant rapport with a complete stranger. Especially when we started exchanging light hearted slagging. He kicked off with "Jayzus boi, they'd let anyone in here" and we went from there. The locals were bemused by this. Had similar in Spain, Greece and Italy

Fathom

Mister Vain wrote: »

Something I heard on the radio the other day got me thinking. A woman sent in an email saying how men never seem to approach women on nights out anymore. It's something I've noticed myself, that a lot of guys don't really seem bothered to make an effort. I'm not saying it never happens but it doesn't appear to be as common now. Is it just because of online dating or are there other reasons?

I can't speak for Ireland. Change is constant. Venues shifting? One example. From bars to coffee houses. What's happening where I live. So Cal. Roles changing too. Boys ask. Girls ask. More balanced. Plenty of dates. Cool.

Wibbs

bodice ripper wrote: »

I don't think so. He is genuinely friendly, and people are pretty cool with it.

If you look at people seen as "genuinely friendly" - and in this context men - they're confident and less phased by social interactions and don't feel they have anything to lose by being friendly. Or gain, beyond, well being friendly. They're less self absorbed, less "oh what will people think of ME if I say the wrong thing", more about "I'm friendly let's chat and if you don't want to, no harm done". They're outward in attitude, not inward.

Yourself isit

Fathom wrote: »

I can't speak for Ireland. Change is constant. Venues shifting? One example. From bars to coffee houses. What's happening where I live. So Cal.

Roles changing too. Boys ask. Girls ask. More balanced. Plenty of dates. Cool.

Long sentences. Gone. Change. Cool.

Yourself isit

Wibbs wrote: »

If you look at people seen as "genuinely friendly" - and in this context men - they're confident and less phased by social interactions and don't feel they have anything to lose by being friendly. Or gain, beyond, well being friendly. They're less self absorbed, less "oh what will people think of ME if I say the wrong thing", more about "I'm friendly let's chat and if you don't want to, no harm done". They're outward in attitude, not inward.

Shyness is a form of ego, someone once said.

neonsofa

Userinfo3333 wrote: »

Perception is everything, it's a cool approach your friend has to be fair. I've moved to a new county so it is quiet a good way to get to talk to people without having one thing in mind. Cheers for the tip ðŸ˜႒

To be honest, if you're trying to make friends then chatting up random guys' girlfriends probably isn't the best way to go about it :pac:

Wibbs

Yourself isit wrote: »

Shyness is a form of ego, someone once said.

I'd defo subscribe to that Y*. And a trait that feeds itself. If someone for whatever reason misses out on some aspect of normal socialisation at a critical age, they naturally become more withdrawn, because they didn't learn how to not be. This tends to make them withdraw more, again naturally and become more internally focussed. More what will people think of me than normal. We all have that, but the shy have more of it. I would say the excessively extrovert are the other side of the same coin. They get over the missed stage by going the other extreme, often playing to the galleries for attention. Again all about them.

Now people do vary along a scale. If you went to a remote tribe in the middle of nowhere you would have some more introverted, some more extroverted, but not nearly to the same extremes of range we find in the modern world. We in the modern world have far more opportunities to be alone, while still living a life. Your small community types are almost never alone throughout life. Even in pre modern industrial cultures people were living cheek by jowl. Were more communal rather than individualistic. In the Old Days(tm) hermits were outliers and seen as blessed, or mad. Today many more are "hermits", while still apparently connected.




*beyond those folks who have more of a pathology going on.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Yourself isit wrote: »

The reason women are rude in clubs is because the conversation isn't just a conversation - it's generally seen a prelude to sex. Or a snog. Or something along those lines, particularly by the guy making the point to chat up.

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I don't see what is so wrong with that, at the least it's not automatically a bad thing unless the guy is very strange or aggressive. If he's a decent guy a woman should just say they're not interested.

Could be the makings of something serious or worthwhile or shock horror the girl might actually want sex.

You could say the same thing about house parties, maybe it just appears more organic and "accidental" in that environment.

Wibbs

Kristina Shaggy Ukulele wrote: »

You could say the same thing about house parties, maybe it just appears more organic and "accidental" in that environment.

It's also on the surface safer. People who know people in the same room. "Oh you're a mate of Brian's eh" [translation] Brian's OK, so you're less likely to have a collection of human heads in your fridge. The outcome of basic conversation isn't nearly as defined or obvious either, or laden with expectation. Plus its usually quieter so actual conversation can be had without coating each other's ear canals in loud spittle. So there is more freedom of sorts and it's as you say more organic, or feels that way.

Userinfo3333

Wibbs wrote: »

The "Exotic" factor tends to help. An Irishman in the US would generally get more leeway than a local in the same scenario. Beyond the attraction stuff, there is more leeway given because the locals tend to run a default of "ah well, he's not from around here and probably doesn't know the score" kinda thing. And being different is just more interesting for all, women and men. Can be applied most anywhere.



EG I've heard Irish women are cliquey, but other nationalities are much less so*. It would be my humble and experience that Italian, French(esp French) and Spanish people tend to be far more tied to a social circle and men from those cultures will tell you it can be hard to break into unless you have a shared member of that clique. Yet I didn't find that to be much of an issue at all. Again exotic factor at play.

Another aspect of this is if a guy sees he's more accepted, or believes in exotic factor in the first place, he's going to be more confident and less self conscious and less desperate as he thinks he now has more choices. This makes a huge difference. Look at the well known thing of guys saying they couldn't get laid in a bordello when single, but the second they get a girlfriend they find they get more attention. Partly this can be down to seeming a better option to some women because another woman reckons you're worth a go/not a raving nutcase, but mostly it's down to the guy not being as self conscious, not being so desperate and obvious in looking for anything more.


Tl;DR? 1) Pretend to yourself you have a girlfriend and 2) pretend you're foreign. Maybe practice an accent. Wave your arms around a lot if you're going for Latin, shrug your shoulders and purse your lips if going for French.




*Again in general I have found the Irish far more gregarious a culture. On the surface anyway. Actually it's mostly surface, but we're better at that. EG Irish people abroad are more prone to greeting other Irish who are complete strangers. I recall being on the piss in France with some locals and this Cork lad put the talk on me at the bar and we had a fair old chat. The locals asked me did I know him and when I said no, they couldn't quite get their head around this near instant rapport with a complete stranger. Especially when we started exchanging light hearted slagging. He kicked off with "Jayzus boi, they'd let anyone in here" and we went from there. The locals were bemused by this. Had similar in Spain, Greece and Italy

Great post happy I read it all. Spot on.

Wibbs

Wibbs wrote: »

The "Exotic" factor tends to help. An Irishman in the US would generally get more leeway than a local in the same scenario. Beyond the attraction stuff, there is more leeway given because the locals tend to run a default of "ah well, he's not from around here and probably doesn't know the score" kinda thing. And being different is just more interesting for all, women and men. Can be applied most anywhere.

I see posts like this and "maybe you're not projecting as many nerves" approaching foreign women. Even on Tinder in Europe I got more matches in a couple of days than in months here. My mate got a lunch date within half an hour and met her straight away, without a chance to mention being Irish. Hell I've tried to strike up conversation abroad assuming the lady was from the particular country and gotten fairly rude go-aways from girls who turned out to be Irish.

Mister Vain

Wibbs wrote: »

Another aspect of this is if a guy sees he's more accepted, or believes in exotic factor in the first place, he's going to be more confident and less self conscious and less desperate as he thinks he now has more choices.

That's a good point. Past experiences play a part in this too. If you've had more success in a particular setting or with a particular group of people, then it will be a lot less daunting than the scenario where you were accused of being a young Larry Murphy in training. A fall into a ditch makes you wiser.

Wibbs wrote: »

Plus its usually quieter so actual conversation can be had without coating each other's ear canals in loud spittle.

You have a wonderful way with words.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Wibbs wrote: »

It's also on the surface safer. People who know people in the same room. "Oh you're a mate of Brian's eh" [translation] Brian's OK, so you're less likely to have a collection of human heads in your fridge. The outcome of basic conversation isn't nearly as defined or obvious either, or laden with expectation. Plus its usually quieter so actual conversation can be had without coating each other's ear canals in loud spittle. So there is more freedom of sorts and it's as you say more organic, or feels that way.

True, it's a pity though in this modern world that people rightly or wrongly feel they need to be much more careful around strangers.

I was at a family thing recently and some of my cousins in their early, mid 20s found it unusual that my wife and I first met and swapped numbers in a nightclub. Seeing friends of friends or online dating seems to be the done thing for that age group.

Most of my friends are married to or in long term relationships with girls they first met in pubs and clubs. About maybe 20% roughly met friends of friends and no one (or at least no one has admitted) met someone via online dating. We're in our mid thirties but do much has changed alright.

Bambi985

Kristina Shaggy Ukulele wrote: »

About maybe 20% roughly met friends of friends and no one (or at least no one has admitted) met someone via online dating.

"We'll just say we met in the pub" - has to be the most common tagline on online dating profiles the world over :pac: