He wants another kid. I don't!

Hyphy

When we got married, my husband had said he never wanted kids. I had plans to have up to 3. When we were 23, he suddenly got baby fever. I was glad and right on board with him. Wet had a tough time ttc, but two years later we had a beautiful baby girl just before my 25th birthday.

I love her so much. She wan an angel baby, only a meduim level frustrating toddler, and now she's rounding out of the preschool age and headed to 5 in july. She starts school in fall and I can safely say I'm happy with our little family. There have been times I wish we had two, but our life had never settled down enough to make that work.

My husband has been building his career, which ment in his field, lots of job changes and lots of moves. That's finally done as he had the job he wanted and we live in a place we want to be, moving from America to Ireland last year. For years I've put so much on hold for this moving one a year life and to be an at home mom to avoid deadly daycare costs. She's now old enough to be going to school and wiping her own butt and all the other things that they no longer need constant attention for. Last month I decided that I finally have enough me time to get my **** together. I'm working on things I want, like finally losing 40 pounds I gained getting pregnant and 20 pounds that I had from college before that. I'm finally able to get a job come January when I get permanent residency and, even though I sometimes wish I had two kids, I feel the ship had sailed.

My husband understands, but says he's been thinking about this since December and is only springing this on me now. He told me a couple days ago and I waffled back and forth for a day, and then I got a mental image of the beach holiday we are planning for next summer or the one after. I saw in my minds eye our happy seven year old on the beach suddenly being upstaged by her pissed off, sunburned, sandy diapered, toddler sibling. It instantly shut down the loveing thoughts of little adorable babies.

I also realised we would have to get a larger car, after just having bought two weeks ago a small city car with only 4 seats and a teeny boot. We would also need to repurchase all the baby stuff and I would have to sacrifice another handful of years on my goals. It's not just the nine months it takes to be pregnant. It's not the time getting the little up to daycare age, it's a new 18 year commitment. I don't have it in me but I also feel terrible fir not wanting it.

I love my husband and the idea of having his child again is amazing. The idea of a new little person existing because we love each other is amazing. Part of me wants another BABY, but I don't want another toddler or preschooler.

judeboy101

Adopt. can bypass the weight gain and stretch marks, potty training and terrible twos if you take in a 4 year old orphan.

dunleakelleher

all your excuses for not having another baby are all very short term. holiday, car, baby stuff. all very short term. you have a long long life ahead of you to regret what could have been. we have 4 and could have found a huge number of excuses not to have "the next one".

Teyla Emmagan

Yeah, and cute orphans are so easy to come by.

I work with a guy who has 3 kids OP. Had a baby, felt that was his family complete. His wife wanted another baby and he very reluctantly agreed. She had twins and now their marriage is falling apart. It genuinely sounds like they hate each other. All the dreams put aside because there are now another 2 mouths to feed and because they are back to scratch with the nappies etc. That relationship is completely finished. So if you're not 100% on board I wouldn't go there. There's too much to lose.

Pawwed Rig

OP you are only 28. That is still very young in Ireland with many women not having their first until their 30s. It is not now or never. Take time to think about things, then discuss discuss discuss. Unless you are both on board it shouldn't happen.

January

judeboy101 wrote: »

Adopt. can bypass the weight gain and stretch marks, potty training and terrible twos if you take in a 4 year old orphan.

It's not just that easy to adopt

neonsofa

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

OP you are only 28. That is still very young in Ireland with many women not having their first until their 30s. It is not now or never. Take time to think about things, then discuss discuss discuss. Unless you are both on board it shouldn't happen.

While this is true, I know from my own experience it then became for me, more of a difficult life style choice because the gap between the child (ren) you do have and a new baby grows even more and you're starting literally from scratch. Going from having an independent enough child and having a bit of your own life back etc. to having a defenceless baby who needs constant care. It's like getting half way through the 18 year clock and then resetting it to zero again. And I know that sounds like an awful way to phrase it but for me that's how it felt. Just something to consider if waiting a while. That's not to say you should rush into it, just giving my take on how it felt after waiting a few years- things became clear as mud and the decision was more difficult!

pwurple

I think you need to discuss with your husband what his input would be with another child.

It sounds like you carried the parenting load almost completely solo while he put a lot of time / travel and effort into his career. That's a large undertaking, and I can completely understand your reluctance to take it on again.

He has the option of parental leave, paternity is a little bit more... How about you go working, and he takes a year off to mind a baby? If he had a larger role in the childcare, would this make a difference for you?


The age gap I wouldn't worry about at all. I know people, especially people who had difficulty conceiving who have 7 , 8, or 15 years between their first and next child. The older the big sibling is, potentially the more help they will be with a newborn. A lot of children are enamoured with small babies and spend hours playing with them, wanting to feed them etc. You have a helper for things like.... watch the baby for a minute while I run to the loo.... can you run upstairs and bring me down a packet of babywipes.... Your older daughter could be a big help there.

But yes, to echo what the others are saying, tread carefully, and don't sign up to something you don't want. We all know marriages that have broken down over this decision.

SusieBlue

OP, you are so young and it sounds like you are enjoying your daughter at the age she is at. I see no harm in waiting a few years and TTC then, if you are more open to the idea.
The worst thing you could do is have another baby now when you aren't overly excited at the idea and have things planned for the next year or so that would be more difficult with a small baby. I would wait 3-5 years and revisit the situation then.

Also, to the person that suggested adoption, domestic adoption in this country is pretty much non existent. What we do have is thousands of children in long term foster care who are sent from pillar to post with a small number eventually ending up adopted, if they are lucky.
Adopting from abroad would be the only option but it would be a long, expensive and emotionally taxing road that may not work out anyway.

Best of luck, I hope you can find a solution that pleases everyone.

freedominacup

dunleakelleher wrote: »

all your excuses for not having another baby are all very short term. holiday, car, baby stuff. all very short term. you have a long long life ahead of you to regret what could have been. we have 4 and could have found a huge number of excuses not to have "the next one".

We have four also. There was never any doubt about having any of them. But when a fifth was discussed it was similar to the op. New baby lovely. The rest, neither of us was really on for it. There endth the lesson for us. If you're not up for it 100% op don't do it. Biggest commitment of your life having a child. Great fun, esp where I am atm ages wise but endless time. Every couple knows what suits them best. A woman being pressured into having kids or the flip side a woman just deciding to go ahead and get pregnant against her partner's wishes will screw up a marriage just as badly as some of the more talked about causes of break ups. Each couple to their own but both must agree.

Hyphy

Thank you all for your responses. It's great to be able to get my thoughts out here. My husband really sprung this idea on me after 4 years of saying he was very done. We had even discussed a vasectomy as an option not long ago. The sudden 180 now that we finally finished moving around gave me whiplash!

He wants to help more this time. He feels bad for missing so much of our daughters life because of work travel. He just started a new position at his company where he won't be travelling anymore and he is excited about the paternity leave options in ireland as opposed to the US. It's a lot of things to discuss, but at least he gets that our was pretty out of the blue for me and isn't pressing me at all. We will talk and consider it for some time. I want to be 100% ready of we go down this road.

shesty

Do you know what your entitlements are for maternity leave here OP?I get the impression you're not Irish, but our system is that you get 24 weeks of paid maternity leave (ie. a state payment every week, not huge but still helps).You can take 18 weeks of parental leave per child up to the age of seven, if your employer agrees to it (I know you're not working and you have to be with a company a year to apply, but it is still something to keep in mind).You know we have a public maternity system with public health nurses etc. Who visit after the birth?Check all that out for yourself too.

You are forgetting one other person in this....your daughter. She's small, but she will help.She will be an extra person to get stuff for you and help you out, and amuse the baby.I have two, my elder is nearly three.She wasn't a huge help when the baby arrived (she was only twenty months!) But she would get nappies etc.And the baby was fascinated by her.I rarely had to amuse no.2 because she just sat and watched her sister.A year on and that still happens, they play together more now.

Just factor all those things into your decision.Whereas it may have been just you last time, now it's you, your daughter and your husband.It's a very, very different thing.

Hollister11

Have a kid. You may regret it in years to come only having 1 . if you can manage on one age for the end 5 years, then you can start your career.

It may seem unfair, but he can't have the mid for you.

Neyite

It's a difficult one - I had a similar conversation with the OH the other week, and our child is at the same age. In our case it's highly unlikely our attempts would be successful for #2 due to a history of infertility and my age (early forties). I spent about a year or so getting my head around the fact that we are unlikely to have more children and made my peace with that so I was a bit surprised and taken aback. Still am tbh. It's not really so much a decision for us as a hopeful last try as we have about as much chance as a lottery win.

There are things for you to consider that might be different this time around. With regard to financial stuff, - *disclaimer* I'm not sure how it might apply to non-eu folk, but the following is based on the assumption that when you attain permanent residency you'd be eligible for these - I stand to be corrected though!!

If you have been working and paying PRSI for 39 weeks in the 12 months prior to the date of your first day of maternity leave, you get maternity benefit for 26 weeks (about 6 months) and you can opt to take a further 16 weeks unpaid after that. We took that option and by saving up annual leave, public holidays and the maternity leave it worked out at about 11 months of time off for me. We took a small loan for the last 16 weeks to cover shortfall for essential bills, and it worked out perfectly for us.

The standard rate of maternity benefit is €235 per week for 26 weeks. Some employers top this up but you usually have to be with the company for a certain amount of time, and return to work after your maternity leave.

Your employment is protected during pregnancy and maternity leave and you are legally entitled to return to that job or a job equal to it. Most reputable companies are very careful to ensure that any whiff of discrimination towards pregnancy /maternity is avoided because the onus is on them to disprove your claim of discrimination should it reach the labour court. Similarly, any ante-natal visits are protected. You are legally entitled to them and your employer must let you take them if they fall during your rostered hours. They also cant deduct your salary for them. I had my baby on the public health system and the care was very good. He also had a 2 day stint in neo-natal and any of those costs are borne by the state. I paid nothing for any maternity related medical care.

Other benefits such as unpaid parental leave and paternity leave are also available. Child benefit is €140 per month per child. Depending on the employer, your husband might have things as part of his employment contract like extra leave, remote working or flexi hours. Then you both would get more annual leave in Ireland than you might in the US. 20 days is usually the minimum, in addition you'd get 10 public holidays per year.

ECCE Scheme is a scheme where you get 15 hrs per week pre-school for your toddler paid for by the state. Depending on when their birthday falls, this can be for up to 2 years. My child got the full 2 years worth, and I topped up the fees for the extra hours in the creche as I work full time. So big childcare bills could realistically be for 2 years or so and manageable after that.

GP visits for children under 6 are free.

I've worked full time throughout pregnancy and motherhood, and we had no local family support as back up childcare either. It was a juggle at times but we did it somehow. You don't have to be a SAHM the next time around if you want to work and there are some great childcare options out there. Being in creché has given my child the socialisation and activities he wouldn't have got if I was SAH with him. He's made friends for life there, and I'm friends with their mums too. I don't see any difference in the bond between us and the bond my SAH neighbour has with her children.

What I'd suggest you do is park the discussion undecided for a year then agree to rethink it - you have youth on your side . You need your permanent residency /employment related social security payments up to date before you go on maternity because it would be madness to miss out on those entitlements when you don't have to. Use the intervening time to upskill if you need to land that good job with the child-friendly employment contract, start your getting fit programme that you want to do, and for him to progress a little towards a more flexible or child-friendly employment so he could be more hands-on this time. You both can look at then planning the bigger car/ home if by June 18 you've decided to go for #2.