Dealing with enablers

Nyssa

Advice please.
My nephew has been hooked on weed and other stuff since the age of 16. He identifies as gay, walked out of school, took up with a guy twice his age who pimped him out for money for drugs. His mother is out of the picture. After several beatings/fights/he drank like crazy-this lasted 3 years, and now he's in some appalling state "education"* scheme, populated by losers like himself, drug addicted travellers and drug addicted immigrants.
My mother has always been there to help him, providing him with a home, food, health insurance, clothing, and has paid his court fines. She thinks she's "containing" the situation. I tell her she's a classic enabler and that she's effectively hobbling him for life by cushioning his every problem. It's gotten to the stage where I think it's better to write off my relationship with my mother off because she refuses to see the prolonged damage she is causing, and I am so angry and frustrated
Any advice?
*"education" seems to be a state enabling situation for these damaged beings run by other damaged beings

YFlyer

Keep him away from the Freeman on the Land freaks.

freshpopcorn

Not sure if this is the right forum for this!
Some of your post might get you in trouble so you might want to edit it.
In my honest opinion your mother is trying to help the guy out and would probably do the same for you.
People in your your mothers situation are often scared that if they don't support the person in some way they'll end up in more trouble or dead or commit suicide.
At the end of the day your mother should be allowed to do what she want with her own money.
PS he might be entitled to a medical card.

SmartinMartin

Perhaps AH is not the place for a first post on such a serious issue.

bluewizard

Nyssa wrote: »

populated by losers like himself, drug addicted travellers and immigrants.

Damn immigrants, taking our state "education" schemes...

ChunkyLover54

You appear to view any individual helping another person in their life as "enabling" them.

Nyssa

looks like that...any Mod able to move it somewhere suitable?

endacl

ChunkyLover54 wrote: »

You appear to view any individual helping another person in their life as "enabling" them.

Why do you enable chunkies instead of forcing them to face up to their chunkiness?

Persephone kindness

Nyssa wrote: »

Advice please.
My nephew has been hooked on weed and other stuff since the age of 16. He identifies as gay, walked out of school, took up with a guy twice his age who pimped him out for money for drugs.
Any advice?

Endless patience ..endless love.

And my love to you. For caring and your pain shows you care

Asus X540L

Nyssa wrote: »

Advice please.
My nephew has been hooked on weed and other stuff since the age of 16. He identifies as gay, walked out of school, took up with a guy twice his age who pimped him out for money for drugs. His mother is out of the picture. After several beatings/fights/he drank like crazy-this lasted 3 years, and now he's in some appalling state "education"* scheme, populated by losers like himself, drug addicted travellers and immigrants.
My mother has always been there to help him, providing him with a home, food, health insurance, clothing, and has paid his court fines. She thinks she's "containing" the situation. I tell her she's a classic enabler and that she's effectively hobbling him for life by cushioning his every problem. It's gotten to the stage where I think it's better to write off my relationship with my mother off because she refuses to see the prolonged damage she is causing, and I am so angry and frustrated
Any advice?
*"education" seems to be a state enabling situation for these useless bastards run by other damaged beings

Think you're confusing your mother with Hillary Clinton.

endacl

Asus X540L wrote: »

Think you're confusing your mother with Hillary Clinton.

Yeah, what now?!?

ChunkyLover54

Nyssa wrote: »

I'd be delighted for you to walk the proverbial mile in my family's shoes. I guarantee you it's no laughing matter.

Best not to post this in After Hours then. Maybe Personal Issues...or perhaps the Ayn Rand appreciation forum.

Persephone kindness

By the way Nyssa. Immigrants and travellers are not losers. Neither are drug addicts ..and neither is your brother.

Nyssa

Really? I'd throw him under the bus. Those on this "course" are addicts too. I have seen them. This is not a rant against Travellers or immigrants but against people like my nephew who choose to use drugs.

tomwaterford

Nyssa wrote: »

Advice please.
My nephew has been hooked on weed and other stuff since the age of 16. He identifies as gay, walked out of school, took up with a guy twice his age who pimped him out for money for drugs. His mother is out of the picture. After several beatings/fights/he drank like crazy-this lasted 3 years, and now he's in some appalling state "education"* scheme, populated by losers like himself, drug addicted travellers and immigrants.
My mother has always been there to help him, providing him with a home, food, health insurance, clothing, and has paid his court fines. She thinks she's "containing" the situation. I tell her she's a classic enabler and that she's effectively hobbling him for life by cushioning his every problem. It's gotten to the stage where I think it's better to write off my relationship with my mother off because she refuses to see the prolonged damage she is causing, and I am so angry and frustrated
Any advice?
*"education" seems to be a state enabling situation for these useless bastards run by other damaged beings

Hardly worth falling out with your mother over though??

freshpopcorn

Nyssa wrote: »

Really? I'd throw him under the bus.

Well clearly you and your mother have different values then!

Persephone kindness

And if he is in an education scheme ..at least he is trying.

TresGats

Although I agree that enabling somebody who is suffering with the problem of addiction Isn't the healthiest option for him, Your mothers behaviour actually says more about her, than her nephew. Having studied addiction studies in the past and examining the family dynamics that go along with this disease, It is glaringly obvious that your mother's behaviour towards her nephew comes from her own inner conflict, which could have one of many reasons, either she is acting out of some sense of obligation, insecurity or possibly just her natural maternal instinct to nurture and care for this child, especially at a time in his life when nobody else would or could. Instead of threatening to cut your mother off, it may be wise, to put your dollie back in the pram, get over your tantrum and maybe act like the mature person your are trying to portray and actually have a conversation with your mother and help her identify the reasons why she continues to enable this lad if it is in fact causing him harm.
Good Luck for the future...

bodhrandude

Perhaps Personal issues would be this best forum for this OP, I hope it works out for you.

Nyssa

Thanks to all for the replies...sorry for the seriousness of the topic....clearly incorrect forum, but as a family we are at our wits end with this guy. He's seriously damaged.
However thanks for the genuine compassion and the hilarious comments!

Persephone kindness

Nyssa wrote: »

Thanks to all for the replies...sorry for the seriousness of the topic....clearly incorrect forum, but as a family we are at our wits end with this guy. He's seriously damaged.
However thanks for the genuine compassion and the hilarious comments!

I hope it gets better.

jigglypuffstuff

By any chance have you featured on Jeremy Kyle in recent times?

twowheelsonly

Your post doesn't say what age your nephew is now but I'm guessing 19 to 22.

If that is the case then I wouldn't classify your mother as an enabler just yet, just as a parent who really cares and wants the best for all of their family. In my experience many of these 'troubled teens' snap out of it by about 23 or 24. Much later than that and they tend to be trapped in that lifestyle more or less for life. What your mother is doing is keeping the channels open for him to return to some semblance of a normal life. I'm presuming that he has no-one else to care for him so if she cuts the ties then he's effectively on his own and will just drift from crisis to crisis and things will only get worse. It's when the 'child' hits 28/29/30 that it really becomes enabling IMO. Up to that you're just trying to give them a chance. If he's from what's essentially a good background then there's always a chance that he'll return to the fold but not if all he gets is disdain from his own family.

Don't be too hard on the education scheme that he's on either. Sometimes people can find their unique talent on these schemes and it only takes one word from the right teacher / counselor to help someone to click. Inspiration can be found in the strangest of places.

BTW, I'm far from a tree hugger, in fact I'm a Prison Officer for close on 20 years. Your nephew sounds like a great many fellas that pass through the prison system and there's a huge amount of them that are in and out from 18 to 23/24/25 and then we never see them again as they grow out of that lifestyle. Hopefully your nephew will too. Incredibly frustrating (and sad in many ways) to see what he's at but there's always hope once he's not too immersed in a criminal lifestyle.

Jesus Wept

You sound like an awful person tbh.

Nyssa

pone2012 wrote: »

By any chance have you featured on Jeremy Kyle in recent times?

I've suggested he could fund his addiction by going on Kyle.
Seriously though, this kid comes what would be viewed as a well heeled family and I guess part of my outrage is that never in a thousand years would I have imagined we'd experience this sordid side of society. The kid began with weed, and moved on to other drugs so I don't entertain anyone who claims that weed is not dangerous.

Jesus Wept

98% of weed users used to drink coffee

Nyssa

twowheelsonly wrote: »

Your post doesn't say what age your nephew is now but I'm guessing 19 to 22.

If that is the case then I wouldn't classify your mother as an enabler just yet, just as a parent who really cares and wants the best for all of their family. In my experience many of these 'troubled teens' snap out of it by about 23 or 24. Much later than that and they tend to be trapped in that lifestyle more or less for life. What your mother is doing is keeping the channels open for him to return to some semblance of a normal life. I'm presuming that he has no-one else to care for him so if she cuts the ties then he's effectively on his own and will just drift from crisis to crisis and things will only get worse. It's when the 'child' hits 28/29/30 that it really becomes enabling IMO. Up to that you're just trying to give them a chance. If he's from what's essentially a good background then there's always a chance that he'll return to the fold but not if all he gets is disdain from his own family.

Don't be too hard on the education scheme that he's on either. Sometimes people can find their unique talent on these schemes and it only takes one word from the right teacher / counselor to help someone to click. Inspiration can be found in the strangest of places.

BTW, I'm far from a tree hugger, in fact I'm a Prison Officer for close on 20 years. Your nephew sounds like a great many fellas that pass through the prison system and there's a huge amount of them that are in and out from 18 to 23/24/25 and then we never see them again as they grow out of that lifestyle. Hopefully your nephew will too. Incredibly frustrating (and sad in many ways) to see what he's at but there's always hope once he's not too immersed in a criminal lifestyle.

Thanks for your insight-it's food for thought. I have spoken with many counsellors and they have said she's a classic enabler. I hate to see him taking advantage of her and lying to her. I hope he will come out of it but he has been in rehab 3 times and walked out after a week in each.

Nyssa

Jesus Wept wrote: »

You sound like an awful person tbh.

This is moderation?

YFlyer

Jesus Wept wrote: »

98% of weed users used to drink coffee

Gateway House

Persephone kindness

We can't judge you or your brother Nyssa or your mom. We don't know you.

I don't know how to help your family. All we can do is listen. I can imagine it's hard to keep faith in someone who has let you down time and time again.

But it's better than thinking he will never be well.

I do know this.

I will share with you a little secret.

Regarding drug addiction statistically the relapse rate ..is 60% in the first year higher for some addicitons. It's big no? Yup. But after the first year.... that goes down to 50% And after 5 yrs they are the same as the general population for the risk of drug taking.

So that is the secret ...it's a biggie ...get to one year.

Richard Hillman

I have seen these education schemes before. They are basically just a new method for the local hoods to network with other hoods. And they are usually run or managed by other enablers that tell them everything they want to hear, "the establishment....", "the government......", "No facilities....." Blah blah blah.

Getting him out of that education scheme would be a start.

Persephone kindness

We should possibly learn what the education scheme is before we pass judgement.

Nyssa

Nyssa wrote: »

Thanks for your insight-it's food for thought. I have spoken with many counsellors and they have said she's a classic enabler.

I'd be wary of any "expert" who applies labels to people who they have no contact with at all. I doubt a qualified psychologist would do it.

I am not sure about the whole "identifies as gay" and "in education with travellers and immigrants" lines as well. You sound uncomfortable with both. Maybe he is gay, instead of identifying as gay?

Glenster

Persephone kindness wrote: »

We should possibly learn what the education scheme is before we pass judgement.

That would take too long and my knee is jerking now.

Without knowing what the state education scheme is (medicine in TCD?), how old he is, whether he's still on the game, any of that. I say burn him.

Kimbot

MOD - Moved from After Hours.

Big Bag of Chips

I'll close this moved thread, OP, as you had already started the same one here.

In future you can request a mod move your thread to the appropriate forum rather than reposting it.