New Girlfriend 6 months out of a Marriage breakup

confused smu

Hi all advice would be greatly appreciated

I started dating a girl 2 months ago who is out of a long term Marriage and relationship of over 14 years, while I was in doubt as to whether she is over him, she has a assured me that she is.Her marriage ending came as a shock to her and she wanted to try make it work but he wanted out.

I have questioned if she was ready from the time to time as she is very open about it all....It almost seemed like I was counsellor at times but I was still intrigued to find out if she was over him totally and listened to numerous stories.
She seems confident and strong minded that she over him but every so often she talks highly of him but then there is side of her that thinks he cheated on her as the ex was with someone new not long after to break up. she is a lovely person and has a great personality and has introduced me to her friends and we have spend a lot of good times together, even we have expressed feeling for one another. We have had a one or two times where she lost the plot where I questioned whether she was over ex.

There is a few instances I thought she was making a big deal over nothing

Recently she blew a fuse with me over a comment a third party had made about us as a couple...the third party a woman had said it was nice to see me happy in this relationship she was like why does the third party need to tell you if you are happy or not.(we were hugging at the time)
The same day she lost the plot over a comment I made about her flatmate to her the night before being nice as in friendly. (We were in bed at the time)
A few other snide comments just in general about me changing a song thinking she wouldn't like the song I had played, she was like who are you to decide if I like the song or not. calling me Mental
Basically she blew up in the space of an hour thrown everything out there and making it out to be my fault.
Now at the time she was tired after being working the day before for long hours.we had planned on spending the day together but she wanted me to leave as she was fuming.
I don't know what to make of her reaction and she is being very cold with me since breaking up with me out of anger but after me assuring her we can make it work. today she has said she wants to meet for a walk or talk on the phone.
I decided to let the storm settle for the moment before we meet or talk.

So I'm wondering...
Is it my fault for saying the wrong things in the wrong moments? or is there something else?

Finally what I'd like to know is she ready to date? or am I the rebound?
(just to note we haven't being intimate because I felt its better to wait and she is cool with this)

Advice from the forum is very much appreciated.
sorry for the long post too.
Thanks

Gunslinger92

Run to the hills OP. Way too much drama there and she sounds like a nutter even without the fact she's only months out of a marriage.

Run very very fast.

Dial Hard

OP, you might as well be posting about me 6 years ago. My marriage ended under *very* similar circumstances - suddenly for me but not him, a third party involved that I saw as cheating but he didn't. I was also dating within six months and genuinely thought I was ready to, but I really, really wasn't. And it took me another good six months AFTER that to realise it.

My doctor told me in the immediate aftermath of us breaking up that it takes more or less three years to get over a marriage breakdown. Obviously everyone is different and obviously it's not a "three years: in bits - three years and a day: fixed" scenario, but honestly, he wasn't far wrong.

I think, unfortunately, you're going to have to let this woman go. Yes, some people make the jump immediately but it doesn't sound to me like she's going to be one of them.

ETA: I posted before I'd read your entire reply. Her behaviour is very concerning. My advice stands, but I suspect her issues predate the marriage ending. And perhaps were a contributing factor.

Mr. Incognito

Its been six months

Of course shes not over him.

Are you totally devoid of reason ?

Jim Bob Scratcher

She sounds like a proper loon. I'd leg it if I were you OP.

pc7

If she wasn't happy in the marriage and it had been in the doldrums before the split then Id say she could be over him. Sometimes relationships are well done by the time they split.
But the fact she wanted to make it work and wasn't expecting it I'd be fairly sure she's not over it and it's too soon.
Regarding her other reactions I'd be 100% sure she's not ready and you'd be doing yourself a big favour in walking away now.

Teyla Emmagan

Sounds like they broke up because she was cray-cray TBH. None of those examples you gave are things that a normal person would react to (i.e. it's not you). That's all pretty irrational stuff, up to you if you can deal with it long term (I imagine it gets a lot worse).

Big Bag of Chips

I'd doubt very much she's over him. A 14 year relationship? A marriage ending out of the blue? Nobody is going to get over that in a hurry. In saying that, I would think her behaviour has very little to do with her breakup and more to do with her as a person.

The one thing I've noticed is irrational people tend to be irrational. Rational people tend to not over react to every minor thing. Even if they are under stress. Even if they snap occasionally due to pressure, or upset or whatever. In general they tend to be able to see they've overreacted and adjust themselves.

It's 2 months, she already has you walking on eggshells and watching your words, and she has broken up with you. If you go back trying to convince her to give it another chance, a your doing is letting her know it's ok to carry on like that. That you'll accept it. Unless the talk is open, honest and frank then what's the point. I think the talk will involve you convincing her to try again, and her holding all the power making you jump through hoops to prove that you want to be with her.

It's been 2 months. It shouldn't be this hard. She's ended it with you. Personally, I'd be wishing her well and moving on.

LegacyUser

confused smu wrote: »

(We were in bed at the time)

(just to note we haven't being intimate because I felt its better to wait and she is cool with this)

I think most people would call being in bed intimate. Perhaps you mean you haven't had sex yet. Obviously every couple moves at their own pace, but I think most people would expect that a couple who have been together for two months and sleep together would be having sex by now. That you're not and that you have to ask if the anger issues are your fault or hers makes me think you don't have that much relationship experience and as a result of that you can't see this woman's behaviour for what it is, deplorable.

Being kind to her, I'd say the sudden end of a 14 year marriage would make anyone a little confused and potentially prone to volatility. Being more realistic, I would say this is the reason her husband was adamant he didn't want to keep trying, he's had enough of what you're seeing.

For your benefit, get out of this relationship quickly. There are better options for you out there. I don't want to overstate the potential reactions either, but you might want to meet somewhere neutral and public and do it cleanly and quickly. Don't waver on the message, tell her it's over, stick to the script and leave when the message has been delivered. Don't listen to cries, pleas or promises, just let it go and let her deal with her own issues.

mapaca

confused smu wrote:

Finally what I'd like to know is she ready to date? or am I the rebound? (just to note we haven't being intimate because I felt its better to wait and she is cool with this)

No, she's not ready to date, and yes, you are the rebound. Sorry OP. Sounds like she is still angry over the break up of her marriage and you are getting the brunt of it.

Big Bag of Chips

That's exactly the phrase I meant to use, OP. You're bearing the brunt of it. It's understandable in a way that she is angry and upset and lashing out. But you're not the person who needs to deal with that from her. Let her be angry and lash out and say things she doesn't mean to her family and friends who know her, who have a history with her and will have a relationship with her where they can listen to her, take her moods for a while and then gently (or not so gently) tell her it's not on.

You don't know her well enough, and you haven't enough trust, loyalty and friendship built up with her to be in a position to be that person. It's not your job to help her through her marriage break up. And make no mistake, if it ended 6 months ago, there's still an awful lot that needs to be sorted out and worked through, practical things, that you have no business being roped into. Separation and all the mess that comes with it will be ongoing for a long time, yet.

Bid her farewell, and as 'guessed' says, stick to the script and don't be guilted into anything. Your relationship isn't established enough for that. Harsh as it may sound, you don't owe her anything.

rubiesarered

She is not ready to date at all. It takes time after a relationship that long to sort through all the emotions and to even figure out who you are as a single person again.

I walked away from a marriage and started dating someone about three months later and it was a disaster. In fact there were several disasters in a row! Even though the marriage breakup was my decision, I'd seen it coming for a while and I was 100% sure I'd made the right decision, I still wasn't ready to date someone else. To be completely honest, it's only in the last year (4 years on) that I can hand on heart say I'm ready for a committed relationship again.

Save yourself the heartache and let her go. If she's this psycho after only two months (when you're still trying to show your best side to your new partner), imagine how mental she's going to be a year down the line.

tayto lover

What you need to do is talk to her ex. That might put you straight.
She sounds like a nutcase to me from reading your post.

leggo

tayto lover wrote: »

What you need to do is talk to her ex. That might put you straight.
She sounds like a nutcase to me from reading your post.

I get what you mean in theory, but I wouldn't actually reach out to her ex if you're seriously suggesting it. That's kinda crazy behaviour in itself and is unlikely to be beneficial in any way, exes aren't going to give you an unbiased view and could easily have an agenda or just like to stir **** in their new partner's relationship out of spite.

AnneFrank

Your being used to make her feel better, takes about 3years to get over any marriage break up.

beertons

Move on, ain't nobody worth that kind of hassle/mind games, no matter how good the sex is.

Payton

A new relationship should be about being excited, being happy and looking forward to all that it brings. Your taking the brunt of what happened in her marriage..regardless of who was at fault.
For your own sanity and dignity you need to move on. Life is too short for all that drama.
When I separated from my marriage I knew myself I wasn't in the right place/frame of mind to even think about getting into a relationship both for my own grief that I was going through, it took me a good 3 and half years to be in the right frame of mind to 'date' again.

confused smu

Thanks everyone for the great advice, sometimes its good to get unbiased views and I much appreciate it.....The relationship is over now for the best I suppose ....maybe we just meet at the wrong time.

Thanks again