The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

My Dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults.”


Good man, terrible mechanic.

Capt'n Midnight

Ikea founder, Ingvar Kamprad, may have died in suspicious circumstances.





Police are working hard trying to piece it all together.

Capt'n Midnight

Just wondering what would happen if you get Stephen Hawking's wheelchair up to 88 miles an hour...

IITYWYBMAD

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote The Hokey Cokey, died peacefully at the age of 93. Unfortunately, things didn't go that well for the funeral directors. The trouble started when they put his left leg in....

Salvation Tambourine

Wardling wrote: »

Stallone, van damme and Schwarzenegger get together to make a movie about classical composers.

Stallone says "I'll be Mozart"
Van damme says "I'll be beethoven" and Schwarzenegger says "I'll be bach"

I came up with a very similar joke many years ago...no one ever appreciated it.

A man retires after 35 years at the same job and decides to take his first retirement vacation in Hawaii with his wife.
He is really looking forward to two weeks of sightseeing and golf.
The day they arrive, he signs up for pro golf lessons at the beautiful Pebble Beach Country Club.
After a night out with his wife, they wake refreshed and go out to the links.
The man and his wife and the golf pro begin the course and they do rather well.
After the sixth hole, they catch up to the party ahead of them and need to wait for them to finish the seventh before they can play it.
A tall man with a beard tees off and hits his ball right into the water.
His companions all hit their tee shots into the fairway.
The retired man watches as the bearded man actually walks on to the water to find his ball.
He can’t believe his eyes.
To the golf pro, he blurts out, “Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?”
The pro answers, “He is Jesus Christ.
He thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”

blade1

IITYWYBMAD wrote: »

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote The Hokey Cokey, died peacefully at the age of 93. Unfortunately, things didn't go that well for the funeral directors. The trouble started when they put his left leg in....

Poor Larry is now after dying more times than his left leg went in and out.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

blade1 wrote: »

Poor Larry is now after dying more times than his left leg went in and out.

I supposed they had to put his left leg in and his left leg out then shake him all about to make sure he was actually dead. Unfortunately it's the best I can come up with.

Buford T. Justice XIX

blade1 wrote: »

Poor Larry is now after dying more times than his left leg went in and out.

Well, that's what it's all about.

blade1

natashaob6 wrote: »

I supposed they had to put his left leg in and his left leg out then shake him all about to make sure he was actually dead. Unfortunately it's the best I can come up with.

Buford T. Justice V wrote: »

Well, that's what it's all about.

FFS lads, stick to the scripted jokes!:pac:

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

blade1 wrote: »

FFS lads, stick to the scripted jokes!:pac:

Ok here we go. A man went to the doctor and when he saw that his old doctor was not on duty but a young blonde with a fabulous body he decided he would change what he was going to say so when the young female doctor asked what she could do for him he replies my wife said my pe*nis tastes awful can you help.

Capt'n Midnight

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."



He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

Capt'n Midnight

Funeral costs are so bloody expensive these days.



At my mother-in-law's, after paying for the bouncy castle and pony rides, we could barely afford the face-painting.

Capt'n Midnight

The person who invented human cloning has died.


He will be attending his funeral tomorrow.

Capt'n Midnight

IITYWYBMAD wrote: »

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote The Hokey Cokey, died peacefully at the age of 93. Unfortunately, things didn't go that well for the funeral directors. The trouble started when they put his left leg in....

The inventor of the USB stick has died At his funeral they gently lowered the coffin, then pulled it back up, turned it the other way, then lowered it again.

Capt'n Midnight

What do You Want do You Want Them to Say at Your Funeral?




LOOK, HE'S MOVING!"

Hagar7

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has
turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient
will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a
thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the
patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't
know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other
testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the
idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree
with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the
patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very
wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad
news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient
does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But...how do I pee?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So the
patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the
unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I
don't know.
Could it be the jeans you are wearing.?"'

K.Flyer

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" always mean the same thing.


Well.. except at a funeral.

MonkieSocks

The mother-in-law came round for Sunday dinner, and whilst sitting at the table she moaned...

"Why is the Dog sitting there on the Floor Staring at Me?"



I replied, "You're Using His Bowl".

K.Flyer

The Pope is on stage in front of a huge crowd and sitting beside him, amongst others, is one of the Kardashian sisters.
The Pope leaned towards her and says,
"Do you know that with one wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
The Kardashian replied,
"Like, I really seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Go on, show me!"
So the Pope slapped her.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Two blondes walked in to a shop wouln'd you think one of them would have seen it.

Two guards were on patrol one night they came accross two young fellows one was drinking acid from a battery and the other had fireworks. They charged one and let off the other one.

Capt'n Midnight

My wife says her mood swings are caused by hormonal changes. I think she’s just ovary acting

Capt'n Midnight

I spent my whole life being proud of my Irish heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania...

Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror...

Capt'n Midnight

After taking my time and giving it due consideration, I've decided I'll give dry January a go.

MonkieSocks

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."



He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

Q:-Where does mercury come from?































A:- Hg Wells!

Capt'n Midnight

I bought one of those cars with a voice activation system to start the engine.

It's absolutely pants as it can't understand a word I'm saying after 7 pints.

Capt'n Midnight

Cyclops: Hun, how do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: (biting lip).. I think you need 2 'i's.


Cyclops: (puts pen down)...You think my life is just a bleedin' joke do you?

Capt'n Midnight

Why did the old lady fall down the well??..


..because She didn't see that well. :pac:

MonkieSocks

A newly ordained priest is walking through a rough part of town in his new parish and meets a young girl leaning against a wall.

"Howya Father, fancy a quickie, only ten Bleedin Euro?"

"No, thank you" says the slightly confused young priest.

A few yards further on, another comely young lady leaning on a lamppost.

"Ah Hello Father, fancy a quickie, only ten Bleedin Euro?"

"No, thank you" says he.

He ends up back at the pastoral house, where the local Mother Superior is paying a visit.

"Mother Superior, what's a quickie" says he, puzzled.

She said, "Ten Bleedin Euro, same as in town".

Capt'n Midnight

¡uᴉɐƃɐ ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ƃuᴉʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ’I

New Home

Was the seller Australian, Capt'n?

byrner88

Paddy: "Would you like to buy my dog?"
Mick : "What kind is it?"
Paddy: "It's a Dalmatian."
Mick : "Is it clean?"
Paddy: "Spotless."

Capt'n Midnight

Which member of the Spice Girls can drink petrol?



Geri can.

Capt'n Midnight

Don’t run with Bagpipes.

You could poke an Aye out.







Or worse, get Kilt.

Capt'n Midnight

I said to the baker "All your cakes are €1, why is that one €3.50 ?"


He said "That's Madeira cake".

patmac

Tony goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.She says "hello".
He´s rather taken aback as he can't place where he know's her from.
So he say's"do you know me".
To which she replies" i think your the father of one of my kid's,your Tony right".
Now his mind travel's back to the only time he has ever been lucky and says,
"Are you the stripper from the stag party i made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery".
She look's in his eye's and calmly says,"No i'm your son's teacher"

byrner88

A husband & wife are lying in bed, when the husband rolls over and says to the wife:

"Be honest, What would you really like to do with my body?"

The wife replies: "Identify it"

donegal_man

My sister is marrying a Chinese Internet billionaire.

Cha Ching

quickbeam

patmac wrote: »

Tony goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.She says "hello".
He´s rather taken aback as he can't place where he know's her from.
So he say's"do you know me".
To which she replies" i think your the father of one of my kid's,your Tony right".
Now his mind travel's back to the only time he has ever been lucky and says,
"Are you the stripper from the stag party i made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery".
She look's in his eye's and calmly says,"No i'm your son's teacher"

But if he only got lucky that one time, then how does he have a son, in school or otherwise? Huh?

TheChevron

quickbeam wrote: »

But if he only got lucky that one time, then how does he have a son, in school or otherwise? Huh?

PandaPoo

My wife was trying to turn me on last night. She was lying on the bed sliding her lollipop in and out of her fanny and licking it.

Careful love, I said. You'll need that in the morning to help the kids cross the road.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

An elderly woman was standing in front of me waiting to use the ATM she turned around and asked me if I would check her balance for her so I pushed her.

patmac

I went to a sperm bank to make a donation, the nurse said 'would you like to masterbate in a cup' I said 'I wasn't ready for a competition yet'.

bobdcow

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

He got stuck in a crack!

donegal_man

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the bonnet of her Civic. But if I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

LOTTOWINNER

A guy walks into a pet shop and says to the owner that he wants to buy a wasp, the owner replies that he doesn't sell wasps, and the guy replies "you've got one in your window!"

coolhull

It was 1962 . Mike goes to pick up his date, Molly.

Molly’s father Samuel opens the door and invites him in.

He asks to Mike what they’re planning to do on the date.

Mike politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Molly’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

Mike was bewildered. “Excuse me, sir?”

“Oh yes, Molly really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.”

Molly comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.

About 15 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Molly rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and shouts at her father, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, “Hey, Mammy! Mammy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten….. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”

The mother responds, “Very good dear.” The blonde asks, “Is that because I’m a blonde mammy?” And the mother responds, “Yes dear.”

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, “Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! …. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”

The mother says, “Very good dear.” The blonde then asked. “Is that because I’m a blonde, Mammy?” The mother responds, “Yes dear.”

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, “Mammy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I’m a blonde, Mammy?


And the mother responds, “No Dear, it’s because you’re twenty five.”

byrner88

Wooohooo!!! Just found €12.86 and a hat outside the train station. I thought some guy was going to pick them up but he seemed more interested in playing his guitar.

byrner88

A man is walking home with his nine year old son, when the boy asks "Dad, what are those little boxes on the back of all those satellite dishes?

His father replies "Council houses son."