The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

Contraceptive advice from Ardal O'Hanlon



"Condoms are useless and ineffective. And they burst! Your stomach just can't cope with the sudden impact of two kilos of cocaine."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

What's black and white and red all over?

A nun falling down the stairs.

What do you call an Ethopian bent over with his ass in the air?

A Trocaire Box.

patmac

I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.

Capt'n Midnight

Q: What's an ig?

A: A Inuit house without a loo!




What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

An abdominal snowman





Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Snow!
Snow who?
Snow laughing matter :mad:

pleas advice

why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?


fo' drizzle

Try_harder

Take a tip out of my elderly neighbour’s book and keep out the draughts by leaving all your mail in your letterbox

pleas advice

Why does Snoop Dogg carry a shovel?


Fo' snizzle mah nizzle

Capt'n Midnight

Travellers are being urged not to make unnecessary journeys over the coming few days.


The same advice is also directed at settled people.

Try_harder

Date: What do you do?
Me: [holds up menu] you just choose a meal from this book of food

the beer revolu

What with the snowday yesterday, I thought it would be a good time to organise the tantric sex party I'd been talking about for ages.





Nobody came.

chewed

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.

I can’t put it down.

A hooker brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs.
“You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs.”
Her client tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good blow jobs.
“Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good blow jobs.”
Her client asks her to give him a blow job. Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed.
“Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if only I had a vagina.”

coolhull

A fella goes into the maternity hospital where his wife is gone to have a baby.
He has just sat in a chair in the waiting area when the nurse comes in and says "Congratulations! You're the father of quintuplets. Your wife had five beautiful baby boys.'
"That's not really surprising, nurse. You see, I have a penis as big as a chimney"
"Hmm," said the nurse. "Well you might consider getting your chimney cleaned.
' Cos they're all black."

coldfire1x

"Your underwear is too tight and very revealing" I said to my wife

She said, "Wear your own then dickhead"

coldfire1x

Just got banned from B&Q, some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking!!

Lucky I got the first punch in.

coldfire1x

Just bought a low energy light bulb from B&Q.

Assistant asked "Will you be putting this up yourself?"

I said "No its going in the lounge"

coldfire1x

My wife caught me masturbating to an optical illusion.

I told her it’s not what it looks like.

coldfire1x

My girfriend has been working out a lot recently.

For instance, today she worked out that I've been shagging her sister.

M.T. Cranium

A young woman had a job as an X-ray technician in a lab. She started to date one of the walk-in patients. Things went well and she invited him to meet her family.

They weren't impressed. "I don't know what you see in him," said her mother.

---

The devil and a tax accountant were drinking at a bar.

"So, my friend," says the devil, "as I was saying, I have certain shall we say powers, if you could have any wish granted, what would that be?"

"Well," said the accountant, "it would be equivalent to taxable income under Regulation 478-B and I would need to have the actual value of your gift appraised by a qualified expert."

---

The devil and a lawyer were drinking at a bar.

The bartender came over, and said, "You, evil bu&&er, I thought I told you we don't want your kind in here."

The devil said, "well, listen, I have my rights, and ..."

The bartender replied, "no, not you, him."

---

A mathematician and a blonde were on a date.

She was quite taken with him, as he seemed so clever.

"I was always wondering, what is the actual number for pi?" she asked.

"Well, umm, it's 3.14159 ..."

"Oh, Albert, I could listen to you all night."

---

The female mathematician was also out on a date, but it wasn't going very well. She couldn't wait to get away.

"So can I call you tomorrow?" asked her earnest admirer.

She gave him an imaginary number.

---

the beer revolu

coolhull wrote: »

A fella goes into the maternity hospital where his wife is gone to have a baby.
He has just sat in a chair in the waiting area when the nurse comes in and says "Congratulations! You're the father of quintuplets. Your wife had five beautiful baby boys.'
"That's not really surprising, nurse. You see, I have a penis as big as a chimney"
"Hmm," said the nurse. "Well you might consider getting your chimney cleaned.
' Cos they're all black."

What colour are the fella and his wife??

coolhull

the beer revolu wrote: »

What colour are the fella and his wife??

You try to work it out, ok?

Jack Kanoff

the beer revolu wrote: »

What colour are the fella and his wife??

Ones a pale ale, the other is a pint of Guinness.

coldfire1x

"Mummy, where do babies come from?"

"Well, daddies make sperm and put it inside mummies."

"Do mummies eat it?"

"Only if they want new shoes!"

---

Last week I went to see the foot doctor,

I took out my willy & the doctor said that's not a foot!!

I said,I know but it's a good 11 inches.

Bob Harris

I came home drunk last night and my wife wasn't happy. "How much have you had to drink?" she asked, staring at me. "Nothing" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the pub, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said, "It's you, I can tell by the voice."

Salvation Tambourine

After my first couple of session I wasn't too keen on my chiropractor but I must say that after the last one I stand corrected.

everlast75

International Womens day has certainly helped me understand how far we have to go with the issues of gender inequality and everyday sexism.

I'm sure I speak for many of the blokes when I say that the birds that organised this deserve a good pat on the bottom for their efforts.

chewed

Comic Sans walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Get out – we don't serve your type".

Fabritzo

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

Jack Kanoff

everlast75 wrote: »

International Womens day has certainly helped me understand how far we have to go with the issues of gender inequality and everyday sexism.

I'm sure I speak for many of the blokes when I say that the birds that organised this deserve a good pat on the bottom for their efforts.

I have stolen this & set it as my Facebook status...I shall report back with my findings...and hopefully balls intact

Capt'n Midnight

Today is international women’s day. It was supposed to be yesterday but they took too long to get ready....

GBX

A friend said she did not understand cloning. I told her that makes two of us.

Capt'n Midnight

Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.

I started dating a coloured girl recently and I decided to bring her home to meet the family.


The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

Capt'n Midnight

My girlfriend is a stunner!



She works in an abattoir.

Oldtree

I

Nicolas Cage wrote: »

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

A penguin walks into a bar.....

He goes over to the bar and asks the bartender,
“Have you seen my brother?”

The bartender says,
“I don't know. What does he look like?”

Capt'n Midnight

Two ducks flying over Ballymena ... one looks at the other and says "Quack, quack".

The other duck looks back and says: "I'm goin' as quack as I can"

TheBody

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two

everlast75

"I used to think I was marvellous in bed, until I discovered all my girlfriends suffered from Asthma"

"The man who invented cat's eyes got the idea when he saw a cat facing him in the road. If the cat had been facing the other way, he'd have invented the pencil sharpener".

"I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It started off really badly but in the end I really liked it"

"A man goes to the doctors and says 'Doctor, help me - I think I'm a dog'. 'Okay' says the Doctor, 'lie down on the couch'. The man replies 'I'm not allowed on the couch'"

"My dad always said I was going to be a comedian. When I was born, he said 'is this a joke?'"

R.I.P. Ken Dodd

milltown

I seem to remember this as Doddy's too:

"When I told my dad I wanted to be a comedian, he said people will laugh at me. Well nobody's laughing now!"

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

milltown wrote: »

I seem to remember this as Doddy's too:

"When I told my dad I wanted to be a comedian, he said people will laugh at me. Well nobody's laughing now!"

That's a paraphrasing of a Bob Monkhouse joke but still funny.

minikin

My girlfriend is a dwarf with brittle bone disease.
Crackin little body on her.

Fitzgerald lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Fitzgerald went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' A mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.
But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Fitzgerald said, 'I'll go right away Father.
Do ya' think €5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic

Capt'n Midnight

I went to the vet with my goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy."

The vet takes a look and says:
"It seems calm to me."

And I said
"You idiot, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"

Capt'n Midnight

I could swear I just drove past sky pundit Jamie Carragher there in his car.... ....Well if it wasn't him, it was his spitting image!

coldfire1x

During plane flights, I get really bad earache!

This year, I've found a solution that'll help.

I've booked my wife's seat ten rows back.

---

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

---

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

---

My wife came home from work to find me sitting watching the football..

"I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is talk about football you think about nothing else," she said.
"I'm also seeing someone else truth be told".

"Really?" I replied.
"What team does he support?"

---

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.

‘What’s up?’ says the driver.

‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman.

‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

---

My wife started cooking for our guests and told me to go and prepare the table.

So I told them all about her terrible cooking.

coldfire1x

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go **** myself

---

“Give it to me!” she said
“I’m so F***ing wet, give it to me now!”
“F**k off” I said
“Get your own umbrella.”

---

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

coldfire1x

Went for an interview at a Blacksmiths..

Blacksmith: “Are you any good at shoeing horses?”

I said: “No but I once told a donkey to f**k off.”

---

My grandad is 93 and still doesn’t need glasses!

He just drinks straight from the bottle.

coldfire1x

A Nigerian Prince has died & left his millions to a cat.

He tried to give away his fortune for years, but no one ever responded to his emails.....

Five years old Justin is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to answer, his mum tells Justin to ask his father at dinner tonight, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Justin didn’t forget. The following hours he asked his father the same question.
His father, always ready and quick with the answers,
says, “Why Justin, those are balloons. When your Mum dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Justin thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few days later, Justin’s dad comes home from work three hours early.
Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Dad! Dad! Mum is dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mum is dying?”
“Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mom’s balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”

emeldc

Deleted User wrote: »

Five years old Justin is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to answer, his mum tells Justin to ask his father at dinner tonight, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Justin didn’t forget. The following hours he asked his father the same question.
His father, always ready and quick with the answers,
says, “Why Justin, those are balloons. When your Mum dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Justin thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few days later, Justin’s dad comes home from work three hours early.
Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Dad! Dad! Mum is dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mum is dying?”
“Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mom’s balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”

Yea, not bad except I started reading 'five years ago Justin is taking a shower with his mother', and I thought WTF

Nodster

A guard phoned the station for back up reporting that a black lad is dancing on the roof of a car on the town square. Has Sargent tells him he can't say that over the radio. Oh OK says the guard "Zulu Tango Golf"