The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

British Airways have just unveiled a plane that holds 220 passengers.

It's the same model that Ryanair have bought, but a Ryanair spokesman insists it can accommodate up to 600.

chewed

A couple were taking a walk when they saw a dog licking his balls.

"I wish I could do that" said the man.

"Well" his wife replied, "I suggest you pat him first".

jimgoose

This geezer buys a parrot cheap down the East End. Shortly after he gets it home, he finds out why it was cheap. It starts yelling incessantly, "I'm from the East End an' I'm 'ard as faaark annat, innit??". So in an attempt to soften it's cough, he puts a hawk in the cage with it. Comes back an hour later, the hawk is dead and the parrot is screeching "I'm from the East End an' I'm 'ard as faaark annat, innit??". So he puts a huge golden eagle in there. Comes back an hour later, the eagle is dead and the parrot has no feathers on. "'Ad to take me coat orf for that fackin' cant, innit??"

Capt'n Midnight

I like my steaks rare. Tonight I'm having panda.

Capt'n Midnight

A man walks into a library and asks for a pantomime book.

The librarian says "It's behind you"

the_pen_turner

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand,' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet!'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, .......it's a ****in' good ting we didn't use WD-40.

Capt'n Midnight

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Why was the tomatoe blushing?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

Why did the balloon go near the needle?
It wanted to become a pop star.

What kind of bees produce milk?
Boobees

Capt'n Midnight

Theresa May. "One of my constituents is going to the Caribbean."

Interviewer. "Jamaica?"

May. "Yes."

Capt'n Midnight

IKEA has been accused of evading over €500m in taxes.

Apparently, prosecutors have been after IKEA for years, but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

TheBody

Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar.

When I have a pessimistic thought I put some money in.

It's currently half empty.

Capt'n Midnight

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colour?

He had a reptile dysfunction

coolhull

Yesterday was a fine sunny day, so I put the goldfish, in his bowl, outside to soak up the sun. I also put the cat out, just to keep the goldfish company.
When I looked outside later to check on them, the cat was just sitting there, with a smug expression on his face.
Oddly, the goldfish seems to have done a runner.........

Will I Am Not

Chris Eubank has just written a book about ethics. If it’s successful, he will consider writing one about Yorkshire.

TheBody

Just back from the World Erection Championships...

Got through to the Semi's.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.



If you saw a heatwave, would you wave back?


I bought some instant water powder once, but I don't know what to add to it.


If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?


What's another word for Thesaurus?


PS: Capt Midnight, you're on fire- some great jokes there

It has now been scientifically proven that Uranus is full of foul smelling gas!

http://www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-43871497

Capt'n Midnight

Knock Knock

Whose there?

Grandad

QUICK, STOP THE FUNERAL.

Capt'n Midnight

"Your driving is terrible," I said to my wife.

"Oh come on!" She protested, "It's not that bad!"


I just shook my head as I took a deep breath, got out of the car and swam to the surface.

byrner88

I got home and my wife is watching a film with a tear in her eye,

"What's this old **** you're watching, and who's that miserable **** in the suit? " I asked.

"It's you, and it's our wedding video, " she replied.

GBX

The pope is handing out miracles to sick children in Dublin. Billy walks on stage and asks "Can you help with my hearing?"

The pope says "Yes" & puts his hands on Billy's ears, then prays, removes his hands and says "How is your hearing now"

Billy says "I don't know, its not till next wednesday"

Capt'n Midnight

I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.

"Drink it" they said giggling.

It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull.









Carlsberg.

Capt'n Midnight

The wife phoned me at work. "

Did you ever feel a sensation in your face, like someone was stabbing one of those Voodoo dolls?" she asked me.

"No," I replied, a bit puzzled.




"How about now?"

donegal_man

Grenadian Single Leg Pull.
Antigua Spine Stretch.
Puerto Rican Rocker.
Barbados Corkscrew.
Dominican Swan Dive.
Cuban Thigh Stretch.
Jamaican Neck Pull.

Pilates Of The Caribbean

thesandeman

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Carlsberg.

Probably.

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between
'Complete' and 'Finished.'
However, in a linguistic conference, held in London, professor
Thulaseedharan Bee an Indian Brit was the clever winner.

His final challenge was to tell the difference.. His response was:
“When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete.'
If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished.'
And , when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are
'Completely Finished.'

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Why should you never go out with a cross eyed person?

Because you never know who the might be seening on the side.

GBX

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

Capt'n Midnight

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring.

The doctor says I’m okay but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Bob Harris

Did you hear about the woman with 5 legs?
Her knickers fit her like a glove.

Capt'n Midnight

I can't wait to see the congregation at Harry and Meghan's wedding......



I bet they'll look like a chess set

Capt'n Midnight

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers switched to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally

New Home

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers switched to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally

If that's not one for the Lifehack thread, I don't know what is.

byrner88

Paddy phones the doctors and says "I need to book an appointment"

Receptionist: "how about 10 tomorrow?"

Paddy says "No, I don't need that many!"

M.T. Cranium

A less than bright guy (not getting into names here) visited the zoo, and was found on his hands and knees outside the antelope enclosure, staring at the ground inside the fence.

"Sir, are you alright?" asked the zoo staff person.

"Sure, I'm great, but not only have I not seen an ant elope, I haven't even spotted an ant yet."

bogwalrus

I just made this up.

Lemur 1: hey have you seen Jim's new car?

Lemur 2: Jim got a new car yeah?

Lemur 1: yeah he must have forked out a fair penny also. Has all sorts of fancy features, even runs on gas.

Lemur 2: Madagascar

Capt'n Midnight

My son is three years old and yesterday I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.

Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and let him loose in the jewellers.

Capt'n Midnight

There's a new TV series on Siamese Ducks

It's starting with a double bill.

Capt'n Midnight

Never give money to a hospital... ...They'll only spend it on drugs.

whiskeyman

bogwalrus wrote: »

I just made this up.

Lemur 1: hey have you seen Jim's new car?

Lemur 2: Jim got a new car yeah?

Lemur 1: yeah he must have forked out a fair penny also. Has all sorts of fancy features, even runs on gas.

Lemur 2: Madagascar

Lemur 1: Hey, someone tell Jim his car is blocking mine in outside.

Lemur 2: 'JIM!! MOVE YOUR F**KING CAR!'

Lemur 1: Oh, I hope he doesn't mind. I don't want to bother him.

Lemur 2: Don't worry. He likes to MOVE IT, MOVE IT!






We should go on tour bogwalrus :pac:

NickNickleby

Will I Am Not wrote: »

Chris Eubank has just written a book about ethics. If it’s successful, he will consider writing one about Yorkshire.

Oh God!!

I've scanned this one three times, and only copped it now!

hahahaha, naughty! Its a good one, will you tell him if you meet him????:pac:

Hagar7

natashaob6 wrote: »

What can be served but not eaten?

A tennis ball.

Little Jhonny came home from school and he's mam asked him what did he learn in class. Jhonny said we learned how to make explosives and did you enjoy it? Yes he replied then his man asked what are you going to be learning in school tomorrow? Jhonny replies what school.

.....and his mam not man said “once they rebuild the school ask them to learn you how to spell your name as Johnny.”

Hagar7

Hagar7 wrote: »

.....and his mam not man said “once they rebuild the school ask them to learn you how to spell your name as Johnny.”

Probably a Jihad Jhonny. :P

Capt'n Midnight

Harry Redknapp gets a letter delivered to his house..

Opens it,it's an electricity bill for £17,000 forwarded on from Tottenham Hotspurs Football Club..

He rings the club, "I think there's been a mistake, you sent me a bill but i haven't worked for you for years".



"No Harry sorry, but there’s no mistake...... You were the last person in the trophy room in 2008, and you left the lights on".

munster87

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Harry Redknapp gets a letter delivered to his house..

Opens it,it's an electricity bill for £17,000 forwarded on from Tottenham Hotspurs Football Club..

He rings the club, "I think there's been a mistake, you sent me a bill but i haven't worked for you for years".



"No Harry sorry, but there’s no mistake...... You were the last person in the trophy room in 2008, and you left the lights on".

Deserves to pay it as he never even won a trophy at Spurs!

robarmstrong

My father was never proud of me.

One day he asked me, "How old are you?"

I said, "I'm five."

He said, "Bollocks, when I was your age I was six."

GBX

I went back to a girls house last night, we went upstairs and slowly and passionately stripped each other's clothes off and climbed under the quilt together!

" you'll have to be really quiet " she whispered " my mom and dad are asleep " !!!

" I can see that , have you not got your own fücking bed "

Capt'n Midnight

Get involved in a huge game of 'hide & seek' by becoming a member of staff at B&Q.

branie2

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy?

He was too far out, man!

New Home

An elderly lady writes on her will that she wants to be buried at sea. Her solicitor, quite puzzled, asks her why, and she says, "Because my daughter in law promised to dance on my grave!".