The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

Q: Why did the clock in the cafeteria run slow?
A: It always went back for seconds.

Capt'n Midnight

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?




Its OK, she woke up

Capt'n Midnight

I went to lunch with a champion chess player. It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

Capt'n Midnight

“Faculty”. It's a Cockney phrase for, “There’s no more PG Tips”

Hagar7

A plane is on its way from Los Angeles to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section before sitting down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blond bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain to her that, because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her assigned seat. The blonde replies "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blond woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "you say she's a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde, leans over and whispers in her ear. Blushing slightly, she says, "oh I'm sorry." She gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he had said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot said, "I told her that first class isn't going to Houston"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

When my three-year-old was told 
to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous.

With a shaking voice, he asked, Do I have to drink it?


What is black, white, and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin!


What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?

The collie wobbles!

milltown

When a Dublin woman met the pope in Phoenix Park, she asked if he could help with her son's hearing. El papa holds the boys head, kisses him on each ear and blesses him.
Then he asks "how is your hearing now my son?"
The boy replies, "I don't know. I'm not in court until next week."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Paddy walks in to a bar in London with his dog. He says o the barman i'll have a pint of Guinness and one for my dog. The barman says surprisingly your dog drinks Guinness? Yes answers Paddy so the barman gives him two pints of Guinness and the dog downs his in one go. The barman says jaysus Paddy he's some dog I never saw a dog sink a pint like that and I've been a barman for forthy years. Paddy says to the barman that's not all he can do he can also play the piano. Really says the barman I'd love to see that so Paddy instructs the dog to go over and play the piano. The dog sits up on the stool and starts playing the piano. The barman can't believe his eyes and says to Paddy I'd love to own a dog that could do that. Once again paddy says if you think that's good he's also a black Smith watch this. Paddy goes over to the fire place and picks up the poker and leaves it in the fire. A few minutes later he takes the poker which is red hot and says to the barman when i stick this poker up his arse watch him make a bolt for the door.


Paddy started work on a building in London and on the first day the boss said to him I want you to go accross the yard and bring over a wheel barrow. Paddy heads of accross the yard and a few minutes later returns with two wheel barrows the second one in the first one. The boss says I only want one. Paddy says I know but you hardly thought I was going to carry it.



I went to the doctor the other day when he asked me what was wrong. I told him I tried to swallow a viagra tablet and it got stuck in my throat. I also told him I have a stiff neck ever since.

Capt'n Midnight

Did you hear about the sheepdog trials in Wicklow last week ?


Four of them were hanged.

Capt'n Midnight

natashaob6 wrote: »

A few minutes later he takes the poker which is red hot

Reminds me of a true Story.

Thaddeus Stevens (played by Tommy Lee Jones in Lincon) was asked by Lincon about Simon Cameron, a corrupt US senator.


During one interview with Lincoln, the president-elected questioned Stevens pointedly: ‘You don’t mean to say you think Cameron would steal?”

“No,’ said Stevens drily, ‘I don’t think he would steal a red-hot stove.”

Lincoln partly as a joke and partly perhaps by way of delicate warning, repeated the statement to Cameron. He was not amused.

Stevens later returned to demand of Lincoln: ‘Why did you tell Cameron what I said to you?”

“I thought it was a good joke and didn’t think it would make him mad.”

“Well, he is very mad and made me promise to retract. I will now do so. I believe I told you he would not steal a red-hot stove. I will now take that back."

Hagar7

The Pope asks one of the Cardinals for help with a crossword in The Irish Times.
"I need a 4-letter word, commonly used to refer to women...it ends in -unt."

The Cardinal replies, "Aunt?"

The Pope says, "I don't suppose you have an eraser, do you?"

coolhull

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Wack.

"Miss Wack, I'd like to get a €30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow €30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."



(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know ya did.)

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Jhonny has just been given a job as a labourer. On the first day he asks a fellow worker how could he keep his tea warm as he used to bring his tea to work in a glass milk bottle and by lunch time the tea would be cold. So his work mate shows him this container made from pyrax and says to Jhonny this is a great yoke to keep the tea not just warm but hot for hours. You should get one. On the way home Jhonny's scratching his head as he can't remember the name of the container but spots a sign outside a chemist advertising Durex. He says to himself I think that's the name of the container so goes in to the chemist and says I'll have a packet of those Durex things. The lady behind the counter asks what size would you like sir?

Jhonny says make them long and wide as i want to fill them with at least a pint as i'll be on the job all day.



One morning two women were arguing over who's dog was the smartest. The first women says my dog runs over to the paper boy gets my newspaper runs back and gives it to me.
The second women says I know. The first woman then asks how do you know?The other woman replies my dog told me.

CarrickMcJoe

Postman is on his last round before retiring and as he approaches one door it swings open and he's greeted by a woman in a dressing gown. She invites him in and sits him down at the table before making him a big fry. She watches as he finishes by scooping the juices up on the fried bread and licks his fingers.
She then leads him upstairs where she drops her gown showing off her fantastic body, and proceeds to strip him. They make passionate love for hours.

Later, after catching his breath, he goes to get up, when she says, " just one more thing", and presses a coin into the palm of his hand.

"Jausus, the fry was lovely, the sex was super, but why the coin"? he quizzed..

"Well, " she started, " last night I was telling my husband about you retiring and asked what he thought of me making you breakfast, and his reply was,fock him and give him a pound!!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Paddy was out of work so he decided he head over to London to find work. Before heading he said he'd ring his friend Mick who was working over there to see if the money was good. He rings his friend Mick and tells him he's thinking of heading over to look for work. Mick says be God come on over there's plenty of work over here and the streets are paved with gold. A week later Mick and Paddy are walking down the street when Paddy sees two ten pence pieces. Paddy picks them up looks at them and throws them away.

Mick asks why did you throw them away and Paddy replies f**k it I'll start again in the morning.

Eph1958

Mammy, mammy.....quick.....daddy cut off his finger in the lawnmower..


Oh my God....the whole finger?????
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. No....the one next to it!!!!!!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Why did the dietition send her clients to the paint store?

She heard you could get thinner there.


What did the leopard say after eating his meal?

That hit the spot.


Do you think glass coffins will become the in thing?

It remains to be seen.


Why was the belt sent to prison?

For holding up a trousers.

whiskeyman

natashaob6 wrote: »

Why was the belt sent to prison?

For holding up a trousers.

I thought the judge would buckle and pass a suspended sentence.

TheBody

What does DNA stand for?


National Dyslexic Association.

frag420

whiskeyman wrote: »

I thought the judge would buckle and pass a suspended sentence.

Apparently he pleated with the judge for a short sentence but was told to brace for something longer...

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

Infernum

I once heard a ghost story about a French baker.

It gave me the crepes.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

What did the ocean say to the ship? It didn't say anything it waved.

I never buy anything with velcro because it's a ripp off.

milltown

Infernum wrote: »

I once heard a ghost story about a French baker.

It gave me the crepes.

I read a book about a french couch.
It was a shade long.

Hagar7

Q: Why do Women have legs?

A: Have you seen the mess snails make?

Hagar7

Bloke goes to doctors having problems with premature ejaculation is told when you feel yourself cumming then give yourself a fright by firing a starter pistol in the air to prolong the sex.
2 days later the doctor sees him again and asks how it went, bloke says not good doc,i did a 69er then felt my self starting to cum, so i fired the gun, my wife **** on my face, bit my bellend off and the milk man came out of the wardrobe with his hands up.

byrner88

Son: "Dad, can i borrow £50?"
Dad: "Come back and ask when your dick touches your arse"
Son (after checking): "Dad, my dick touches my arse"
Dad: "Good, now you can go **** yourself"

M.T. Cranium

Why do rabbits give away their offspring?

They want to avoid a hare raising experience.

Capt'n Midnight

If someone asks you to spell "Part A" backwards, don't do it.


It's a trap......

K.Flyer

We went for a meal in the new local restaurant called Karma.

There's no menu, you get what you deserve...

M.T. Cranium

A woman married the ace of spades. She boasted to her friends that her husband was a real card.

Half a donkey was going out with a nice guy, but she broke down in tears one night. "I bet you just wanted a piece of ass," she said. "No darling, it's not true. I admire you for your mind." "Well, see, that's a lie, I'm the back half," she wailed. "Oh is that what you think, take a look in the mirror, you're the front half. Do you really think I would settle for a donkey's rear end?" She was so happy to hear that, and looked in the mirror. "Gosh, I'm better looking than I thought, maybe I could be a weather girl on TV." Her boyfriend thought about that for a minute, and said, "sure, but you would need to learn something about the weather, wouldn't you?" And after a minute, they fell into each others' arms laughing at just how silly they sounded.

chewed

A woman is sat at her husband's funeral when a man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"Go right ahead," she replies.

"Plethora," he says.

"Thanks," the woman smiles. "It means a lot."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I spent my whole life being proud of my irish heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania.

Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.


How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it in most of the way, and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

blade1

natashaob6 wrote: »

I spent my whole life being proud of my irish heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania.

Now I can’t even look myself in the

Did you once host Blankety Blank?? :pac:

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

blade1 wrote: »

Did you once host Blankety Blank?? :pac:

Did you fill in the blank to win a Blankety Blank cheque book and pen?

I think you deserve a thank you for spotting the blank.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

blade1 wrote: »

Did you once host Blankety Blank?? :pac:

My mind went blank at the last minute.

blade1

natashaob6 wrote: »

My mind went blank at the last minute.

I got worried about you.
I thought you actually looked in a mirror and went up in a puff of smoke or something! :pac:

rizzodun

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler...

blueser

blade1 wrote: »

Did you once host Blankety Blank?? :pac:

She (assuming she is a she?)n does seem very keen on these short, christmas cracker type gags.

New Home

We should introduce her to Capt'n Midnight.

Frigating

K.Flyer wrote: »

We went for a meal in the new local restaurant called Karma.

There's no menu, you get what you deserve...

Terrible restaurant, really. There's no starters or main courses...


Just desserts.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

With Halloween just around the corner I thought I would throw in a few skeleton jokes. I hope you can stomach them.Enjoy.


The skeleton canceled the gallery showing of his skull pictures because his heart wasn't in it.


The skeleton always knew what would happen next..

He could just feel it in his bones.


Did you hear about the skeleton that dropped out of medical school?

He just didn't have the stomach for it.


The favored historical ruler of skeletons is none other than Napoleon Bone-a-part.


What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?

Bone Appetit.


The skeleton literally didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.


What happened to the skeleton who stayed by the fire for too long?

He became bone dry.

Capt'n Midnight

Why didn't the skellington go to the party ?

nobody to go with.

Capt'n Midnight

Edin-burg

Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day.
Christian Talbot,

You let me write numbers on your hands. I knew I could count on you.
Charlie Partridge

I’ve only got two weaknesses: being vague, and another weakness.
Glenn Moore,

When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax. Bush wasn’t that bad.
Angela Barnes

I’m not rich and I need a solicitor, so if you know any pro bono lawyers you can introduce me to that would be great. If you know any anti-Bono ones that’s even better.
Jon Harvey


Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short.
Lou Sanders

St Anthony is the patron saint of lost things. Because he famously coined the phrase ‘Where did you have it last?”
Rory O’Keeffe


Weird how so many of my dates claim to be looking for a “partner in crime” but won’t go halfsies on my pyramid scheme??
Sid Singh

When I realised I’d never be able to talk again I was speechless.
Lost Voice Guy

My dad loves his dog more than us, he makes it a roast chicken seasoned in herbs every Sunday which is stupid as dogs have no concept of Thyme.
Rachel Fairburn


My best friend got in touch to ask if I’d be usher at his wedding, I said I’ll learn some of his songs, but I’m not blacking up
Hal Branson


I was arguing with someone until we came across a smiling fortune teller – I think we found a happy medium.
Bread & Geller

I threw my hands in the air, which was a shame because I had nothing to catch them with on the way down.
Paul Mayhew-Archer


I find it weird that Americans say ‘eggplant’ instead of chicken.
Ian Smith


In school I had the nickname “the human calculator”, which meant bullies would come up to me, say the number five million, three hundred and eighteen thousand and eight, lift me upside down and not let me go until I said the word “boobies”.
Ken Cheng,


I took my nephew on the swings, he kept complaining that it goes up too high. I said “Shut up and push”.
Nick Dixon


It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.
Lucy Porter,



My dad got me a pair of tickets to see Celine Dion. And I really enjoyed it. Both times.
George Lewis

My kids, despite living their whole life in London, see themselves as Northern Irish because of their mum. To be honest, I see them as Northern Irish too because they’re always arguing and economically it makes no sense to keep them.
Hal Cruttenden,

I remember my first date with my wife. She gave me butterflies, which was an odd gift
Scott Bennett

I had a dead bee in my sink so I rang my mother and said ‘what do I do?’ She said, ‘Get a spoon and flush it down the toilet.’ I said, ‘I’ve done that, now what about the bee?’
Mark Watson

byrner88

I brought a girl back to my house and said, "This is where the magic happens."

She said, "Oh really? I'm getting excited now."

So I said, "Yes. Pick a card Any card"

Capt'n Midnight

Looks like Boris Johnson is about to learn the benefits of the single market.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?


Give her a bottle of shampoo which says lather.


How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?


She opens the car door.


Why do blondes wear their hair up?


To catch everything that goes over their heads.


Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?


Because it said concentrate.


What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool?

Air Pockets.


Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?


She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.


Why can't the blonde write the number eleven?


She didn't know which1came first.


Why are blondes so bad at hide and seek?


Because they can never find the sausage.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Three men went to Las Vegas and after losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters .

So the first man went up to they're father and said can I sleep with your 18 daughters? The father said no but you can sleep with the pigs.

The second man went to the father and asked can I sleep with your 18 daughters? The father said no but you can sleep with the cows.

The third man said can I sleep with your 18 daughters?The father said yes.

So in the morning the three men and the father were having a conversation over breakfast. The first man said I slept like a pig.

The second man said i slept like a cow.

The third man said I slept like a golfer. The father asked why? He said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.

donegal_man

natashaob6 wrote: »

Three men went to Las Vegas and after losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters .

So the first man went up to they're father and said can I sleep with your 18 daughters? The father said no but you can sleep with the pigs.

The second man went to the father and asked can I sleep with your 18 daughters? The father said no but you can sleep with the cows.

The third man said can I sleep with your 18 daughters?The father said yes.

So in the morning the three men and the father were having a conversation over breakfast. The first man said I slept like a pig.

The second man said i slept like a cow.

The third man said I slept like a golfer. The father asked why? He said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.

I think everyone saw that coming!

Try_harder

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