The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

Roman numerals?

Not on my watch.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his tummy. Ha­­ she says that’s not going to help.

Sure, it will he replied. It’s the only way I can see the numbers.


This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he moaned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what? What dear, she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.I think you're bad luck.

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

.....I think you're a fukin jinx

is a better punchline

everlast75

Looking forward to getting hold of Macaulay Culkin's new fragrance "Eau Malone"...

razorblunt

Two teenagers turn up for Confession, the first fella walks in.
"Bless me father for I have sinned, I've been sleeping with a girl who's a bit mad for the sex, anyone, anytime, anywhere, Father."
- "Ok' says the Father, 'your will is weak, but tell me was it Mrs Murphy in the shop?"
"No, Father"
- "Gerry Thompson's daughter?"
"No, Father"
-"The blonde girl in the big house on the hill?"
"No, father"
- Well, it must be someone new in town"
The priest tells him his penance and out he goes.

His buddy, Martin, is waiting outside.
"What did you get?" He asks
- "7 Hail Marys, an Our Father, €5 to the collection plate and 3 solid leads".

chewed

Did you hear about the law court fetishist?

He got off on a technicality.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his sniffer dog.The plane takes off and the Marshall says, Sniffer dog search.The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.

Good boy says the Marshall.

What happened? asks the man.

That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.

Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm.

That man is carrying cocaine, the Marshall explains.

The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and shi*ts all over it.

What’s going on? demands the man.

The Marshall nervously replies, He just found a bomb.

byrner88

Me and my mate were fishing just off the Australian coast, when suddenly there was a crash and the boat stopped. My friend turned and said "I think we've hit something"

I looked over the side and said "Great Barry, a reef"

Capt'n Midnight

I always thought my parents were overprotective, watching me cross the road every time I went out.



But then I found out about the bet...

Ted_YNWA

Q: How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

.red.

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

Q: How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

So how many does it take? 2? 3? 100?

New Home

That's new jobs being created right there!

Capt'n Midnight

I just hate when you're sending a text, and you're so rudely interrupted by a stupid jogger, bouncing off your windscreen.

Temptamperu

What did the buddist Monk say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

Capt'n Midnight

Temptamperu wrote: »

What did the buddist Monk say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

And then he asked the vendor for change from the €20 he'd handed over.

Only to be told "but change comes from within"

Capt'n Midnight

When I see a field of wild flowers I can't resist skipping through it.

I have a gambolling problem.

TheBody

I slept with my best mates wife last night and now I feel terrible,.... she must have given me a cold or something!!!

Capt'n Midnight

.red. wrote: »

So how many does it take? 2? 3? 100?

We won't know the outcome for another 50 years.

Capt'n Midnight

I got one of those anti bullying wrist bands today. Nicked it off some little fat ginger with glasses on.

RhubarbCrumble

Capt'n Midnight, you're on fire tonight

RhubarbCrumble

RhubarbCrumble wrote: »

Capt'n Midnight, you're on fire tonight

and it isn't midnight yet!

New Home

It is, somewhere.

Deja Boo

An old fella wobbled into an ice cream shoppe and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool.
He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae.
“Crushed nuts?” asked the server.
“No,” he answered.
“Bad knees.”

jaykay74

The dog is barking at the backdoor and the wife is yelling at the front door.

Who do you let in first?

The dog, because he’ll shut up when he comes in.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.

The first guy asks, I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs the angel to cure his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision.

As the angel turns to the third fellow, he shouts don’t touch me! I’m on disability.



Before beginning the mass, our priest read out a note he’d been handed moments earlier.

It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning, he said.

He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and said, I hope they mean Bible Study.

byrner88

After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Geoff are getting horny.

"Look," says Bob, "Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a women for me, when I'm done, I'll pretend to be a woman for you."

Geoff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob ****s him up the arse. When it's over, Geoff asks Bob for his go.

"**** off," Bob replies, "I've got a headache."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

With Halloween comming up i said i'd throw in a few Vampire jokes. Enjoy.

Why was the girl afraid of the vampire?

He was all bite and no bark.

Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?

At the casketeria.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?

A stake sandwich.

Why didn't the vampire bite Taylor Swift?

Because she had bad blood.

Why do vampires need mouthwash?

They have bat breath.

How many vampires are in this room?

I dont know, I cant Count Draculas.

What does a vampire fear most?

Tooth decay.

What's a vampire's favorite fast food?

A guy with very high blood pressure

Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?

A blood vessel.

What is a Vampire favourite newspaper ?The Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation.



Q: What is a vampires favorite holiday?

Fangsgiving.

What happened when the two vampires finally met?

It was love at first bite.

Which building does Dracula visit in New York?

The Vampire State Building.

When do vampires bite family.

Only if they are blood brothers.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with the internet?

A blood-thirsty hacker.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snow man?

Frostbite.

Why do vampires scare people? Because they are bored to death.

What is a vampires favorite ice cream flavor?

Vainilla.

Q: What Do You call A Single Vampire?

A bat-chelor.

How can you tell a vampire likes baseball.

Every night he turns into a bat.

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?

It's a pain in the neck.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?

All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

What songs does Dracula hate?

You Are My Sunshine and Sunshine on my Shoulders.

How does a girl vampire flirt?

She bats her eyes.

What is a vampires least favorite food?

Steak.

What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?

A grave problem.

Why doesn't anybody like Dracula?

He has a bat temper.

blueser

I saw a dwarf person of restricted growth using a rope to get over the prison wall yesterday.

I thought 'that's a little condescending.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

For her 40th birthday, my wife said, I'd love to be ten again. So that Saturday, we had ate stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast.

Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. We finished the day with a banana split.

So when I asked how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?

She replied when I said I'd love to be ten again I meant my dress size.

Ted_YNWA

blueser wrote: »

I saw a dwarf person of restricted growth using a rope to get over the prison wall yesterday.

I thought 'that's a little condescending.

I hear he is a psychic, so now there is a small medium at large.

Capt'n Midnight

Deja Boo wrote: »

Two blondes, on their way to Disneyland.
They spot a road sign: "Disneyland LEFT"



They start crying and head back home.

Two Belgians heading for Calais

They turned around when they saw the sign for Pas-de-Calais.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside?

Yes, says Sally, a lock of my husband’s hair.

But Larry’s still alive.

I know, but his hair is gone.


Recently I sat in a restaurant watching two older men go at it.

It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, I'm so mad, I'm taking you off my pallbearer list.


The day after been at a fair, my wife was in agony.

She said to me you know you’re past your prime, when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair.

So I went to the corner shop ... and bought 4 corners

I was going to buy a round toit, but I didn't get around to it!

Capt'n Midnight

I'm going to France tomorrow for the annual "flicking a ruler on the edge of a desk" competition... ...it's held annually in the .... Dordogne

Capt'n Midnight

I ordered a new thesaurus from Amazon but when it arrived all the pages were blank... I don't have the words to describe how angry I am

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's family.

A smartass in the back of the room asked:

What about extreme sexual exhaustion?

The entire class did its best not to laugh.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said:

You can write with your other hand can't you?

mad m

So there's this kid named Cal, and he's a bit of a thug.

He often breaks into people's homes just for fun.

One thing he loves to do in people's homes is to absolutely destroy their washing machines. He will destroy them untill they are broken so far they are completely beyond use. Until they are totally dead.

Recently Cal passed away in his sleep, which is sad news, but now....

Washing machines live longer with cal gone!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his smelly feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up.

After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, I have a confession.

She moves closer, stares into his eyes, and says, darling, so do I.

He then says, Don’t tell me you’ve eaten my smelly socks.



There was a man drowning in the sea and he passed a boat and asked the man in the boat asked can an I help you?

The man replies no thanks, God will save me.

Then another boat passes and they asked him do you need help?

Again he replies no thanks, God will save me.

The man dies, goes to heaven and says to God: God, why did not you save me?

God says to him i sent you two boats.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited, I got my first impression of the Parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set And, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs.I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.

Capt'n Midnight

If a tree falls in the forest and it doesn’t make a sound, does a hipster buy the soundtrack?

Capt'n Midnight

Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married.

The wedding wasn't much. But the reception was incredible!

Capt'n Midnight

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

TheBody

I’ve got a new job. It’s shift work making chess sets. I’m on knights next week.

Capt'n Midnight

Scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...

They do this for two reasons;

One, The scientists are less likely to become emotionally attached to the lawyers.

And two, there are certain things that even rats won't do.

tobsey

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...

They do this for two reasons;

One, The scientists are less likely to become emotionally attached to the lawyers.

And two, there are certain things that even rats won't do.

1991! https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0102057/

Capt'n Midnight

How does an lawyer sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

Capt'n Midnight

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal
gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal
in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense
lawyer.

everlast75

If a lawyer falls into shark infested waters, why won't the sharks eat him?





Professional courtesy

Philipx

It was that cold today I actually saw a solicitor with his hands in his own pockets....