The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Emmersonn

pleas advice wrote: »

WHAT DO YOU CALL A TIME-TRAVELER WITH A DOG?

Spot


Time Traveling Dog ? - YouTube

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A guy goes to a night club the bouncer stops him and says to him no tie, no entry.

He walks back to his car to find a tie.

As he's rummaging around were he comes accross a pair of jump leads.

So he puts them around his neck like a tie.

He goes back and says to the bouncer and asks will this do?

I'll let you in says the bouncer but don't start anything.

Capt'n Midnight

Happy Christmas everyone \o/

Capt'n Midnight

pleas advice wrote: »

WHAT DO YOU CALL A TIME-TRAVELER WITH A DOG?

Who would have a K-9 ?

M.T. Cranium

I don't know what you call them, but they travel at arf the speed of light.

Perhaps "sir" would be a wise choice?

M.T. Cranium

What do you call a time traveller with an owl?

Doctor Hoot.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A mexican magician was doing a magic trick.

He said, Uno, Dose, and he disappeared without a trace.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A mexican magician was doing a magic trick.

He said, Uno, Dose, and he disappeared without a trace.

For Halloween we dressed up as almonds.

Everyone could tell we were nuts.

Hagar7

A boy asks his dad where does poo come from, his dad replies 'well son,food is passed down the oesophagus by persistalsis,it then enters the stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal.
This in turn extracts the protein before waste products enter the colon.
Water is absorbed before it enters the rectrum to emerge as poo.'

'Blimey dad,well where does Tigger come from then?'

Capt'n Midnight

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Juan.


What do you call a Mexican who's had his vehicle stolen?

Carlos.

Carry

Donald Trump enters a room and heads straight to the counter.

"A burger with fries and a cola light", he says to the woman behind the counter.

She shakes her head and says: "Sorry, Mr President, but this a library."

Trump hesitates and mutters after a minute: "Yeah, I understand, sorry about that."

Then he leans into the woman and whispers: "A burger with fries and a cola light."

Carry

An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump: "Sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan last night."

Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this. He sinks back in his chair, saying OMG over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

byrner88

I bought my Mrs a new coat the other day.

I said ''here love try this on''.

She says ''its perfect''.

I reply ''oh look your knickers are coming down'.

She looks down and says ''No they're not''.

I said ''Well the ****ing coats going back then''.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

She asks her mother, where do babies come from

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.

One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his pe*is in to mommy's vag*na.

That's how you get a baby, honey.

The daughter seems to comprehend.

Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's pen*s in your mouth.

What do you get when you do that asks the daughter?

Her mother replies Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

Hagar7

I just sold my homing pigeon on EBAY for the 35th time in 2 weeks,I'm making a fortune so I am.

SimonTemplar

A guy went to prison. During his first night, he heard people shouting different numbers, and after each one, the whole place burst into laughter.

He asked his cellmate what was happening. He said that everyone has heard every joke so many times at this stage that they've assigned a number to each joke as a shorthand. He encouraged the new guy to try it out.

So the new guy shouted "23" but there was complete silence. He asked his cellmate what went wrong, and his cellmate replied "ah you didn't tell it right".

M.T. Cranium

What happened to the guy who shouted out 69?

Think I can guess.

Ipso

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Juan.


What do you call a Mexican who's had his vehicle stolen?

Carlos.

What sou you call a Mexican male stripper?
Senor Willy

pleas advice

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

What happened to the guy who shouted out 69? ...

(why is it so hard to find a good tumbleweed gif?)

pleas advice

i went searching for a punchline and found a joke so bad i had to post it instead...


Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

While playing with his toys in her bedroom he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?

Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.

I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.

The TV keep me company and make me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend.

Grandma turnes on the TV and the picture was horrible.

She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting on the backof the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's priest.

The priest says, Hello son is your grandma home?

The little boy replied, Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin her boyfriend.

blade1

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
That priest is calling round a lot.
He must be hoping to catch grandma when she it not banging her boyfriend!

Capt'n Midnight

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar…

It was tense.





What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!





I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!



How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?
Ten tickles !



I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.




What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.


How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.

Capt'n Midnight

Ken Dodd.


“I used to think I was marvellous in bed – until I discovered all my girlfriends suffered from asthma.”


“I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.”


“Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it…”


“It turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut.”


“The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.”


“My teeth are all my own. I just finished paying for them.”

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

blade1 wrote: »

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
That priest is calling round a lot.
He must be hoping to catch grandma when she it not banging her boyfriend!

Maybe he's hoping to bang grandma while she's banning her boyfriend.

New Home

One time he did catch the granny while she was banging her boyfriend, but the reception wasn't good.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A man walks into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.

She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked do I know you?

The woman answers I think your the father of one of my kids.

The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.

So he says to the woman are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party about 5 years ago?

You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table while your friend spanked my bare ass with a whip?

The woman looks at him horrified and says o, I'm your son's teacher.

TheBody

I've just been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no Cure.

Capt'n Midnight

Some low life keeps ringing me up about every 20 mins or so and asking for Prince Charming.

I keep telling him there's no one here by that name, but he's adamant.

TheBody

I looked up "baffling" in the dictionary.
The definition was confusing.

Capt'n Midnight

I secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.

M.T. Cranium

There's nothing we can do about the flooding, it's all water over the bridge now.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Double post

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

There was a young girl who kept on falling asleep in class.

This continued for three days.

On the first day, her teacher prodded her with a pencil and asked her who created Adam and Eve?

The girl woke up from the pain and shouted good God. The teacher said "Correct."

On the next day, the girl fell asleep again. Her teacher, once again, poked her with her pencil and asked her who gave Adam and Eve the ability to reproduce?

The girl woke up and said good God. The teacher, once again said "Correct."

On the third day, the girl fell asleep again.

Her teacher prodded her as hard as she could with her pencil and asked her what did Eve say to Adam when they had too many children?

The girl, unaware of the question, woke up from the pain and yelled at the teacher.

If you stick that thing in me one more time i'll break it off.

Capt'n Midnight

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

There's nothing we can do about the flooding,

Damn

New Home

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Dam

FYP.


(I know, autocorrect...)

Capt'n Midnight

Edinburgh Fringe

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” Tom Ward (2015)


“One in four frogs is a leap frog.” Chris Turner (2016)


“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” Rob Beckett (2012)


“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe (2014)


“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” Stewart Francis (2012)


“It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.” Olaf Falafel (2016)


“I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that.” Rory O’Keeffe (2016)


“I bumped into my French teacher the other day who asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.” Adam Hess (2016)


“Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high fives all the time.” Rhys James (2015)


“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?” Dan Antolpolski (2009)


“Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas.” Robert Garnham (2017)

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave
the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.

She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into
the room in tears.

What's wrong? asked the mother.

I was taking a pee and this bullet came out, replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears.

Mom, I was taking a pee and this bullet came out.

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened
16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

It's okay said the Mom, I know what happened.

You were taking a pee and a bullet came out.

No, said the boy

I was playing with myself and I shot the
dog.

MikeyTaylor

What is Ross O Carroll Kelly's favourite car?
A Rolls Roysh.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

Logan, wait until we say our prayer, his mother says.

I don't have to, Logan replied.

Of course you do, his mother insisted, we say a prayer before eating at our house.

That's at our house, Logan replies but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

Suckit

^^^

....and then the priest knocked on the door.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof.

Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.

The firemen yell to the brunette, Jump, Jump it's your only chance to survive.

The brunette jumps and the firemen yank the blanket away.

The brunette smashes into the sidewalk like a tomato.

Come on Jump you gotta jump, say the firemen to the redhead.

Oh no you're gonna pull the blanket away says the redhead.

No it's brunettes we can't stand we're OK with redheads.

OK, says the redhead, and she jumps.

Once again the firemen yank the blanket away, and the redhead is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, jump you have to jump.

No way says the blonde.

You're just gonna pull the blanket away.

One of the firemen shouts up, no really you have to jump we won't pull the blanket away.

Look the blonde says.

Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away.

So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a co*k?

All the men stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a co*k?

All the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant.

Has anybody seen a coc*k that doesn’t belong to them?

Half the women stood up.

No, no, the priest said, that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?

Sixteen altar boys,

Two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

Ken.

Are you posting from the app or mobile.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Putinbot wrote: »

Are you posting from the app or mobile.

From Samsung Galaxy Tablet and I have each thread I follow book marked in speed dial on Opera Browser.

byrner88

*Note to all the premature Christmas decorators*

Calm down, Mary hasn’t even told Joseph she’s pregnant yet.

pleas advice

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Edinburgh Fringe...

and this years winner:
“Working at the jobcentre has to be a tense job, Knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.”

New Home

Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later he yells dad.

His dad shouts back up to him what.

I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?

No. You had your chance. Lights out.

Five minutes later: the small boy yells Da-aaaad

What? shouts his dad

I'm thirsty can I have a drink of water?

I told you no and If you ask again Ii'll have to spank you

Five minutes later the small boy yells once again daaa-aaaad

What shouts his dad once again

The small boy yells when you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

New Home

I once asked a taxidermist what he does for a living.

He said: “Oh, you know.....stuff.”