The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Two Kerryman went on a holiday to France and stayed at a country farmhouse.

They were disgusted to find that everybody in France, even the children, spoke French.

One morning they were woken by a cock crowing, Cocka doodle dooo. Do you know, said one Kerryman to the other,

That's the first word of English we've heard spoken since we arrived.



A doctor was addressing a large audience in Dublin.

He starts by saying the food we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disasterous, and none of us realises the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten them or will eat them.

He then asks can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering from years of eating them?

After several seconds of quiet, a 75 year old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said Wedding Cake.

Mookie Blaylock

natashaob6 wrote: »

Two Kerryman went on a holiday to France and stayed at a country farmhouse.

They were disgusted to find that everybody in France, even the children, spoke French.

One morning they were woken by a cock crowing, Cocka doodle dooo. Do you know, said one Kerryman to the other,

That's the first word of English we've heard spoken since we arrived.

Reminds me of an old joke,
What's the difference between a rooster and a norrie...
One says "cocka-doodle-do
The other says, "any old cock will do"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.


I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both lefts which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I just found out I'm color blind.The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly. I'm not a fan.

Subject: great lines from country and western songs

11.....I fell in the water that you walk on

10.....If you leave go out backward and I'll think you're coming in

9......If the phone don't ring you'll know it's me

8......I've missed you, but my aim's getting better

7......I hate every bone in her body........but mine

6......Wouldn't take her to a dog fight cause I'm scared she might win

5......I'm so miserable without you, it's like you're still here

4......She took my ring and gave me the finger

3......It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chewed my ass all day

And tied for the best

I never went to bed with an ugly woman, but I sure woke up with a few

My wife ran away with my best friend.............and I miss him

Capt'n Midnight

Deleted User wrote: »

Subject: great lines from country and western songs

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

"Got home at 2 with a 10, woke up at 10 with a 2"
Willie Nelson

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy"
Dunno

Roger_007

"I can't get over you til you come out from under him"

Ted_YNWA

It's not you're departure that has me sad, but your return.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.

At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered,

Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears.

Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.

He asked her the same question, Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears.

Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college.

He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

Do you notice anything different about me? And to his surprise, the young man answered: Yes. You wear contact lenses.

Merv was shocked, and said, What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,

Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears.

youtube!

So there's a middle aged lady who after a bang on the head falls into a deep coma, after over a year there seems like no hope but one day while the nurses are washing her body down there is a slight flinch when she is getting washed in her private area, so the nurse does it some more, now the lady is biting her lip, her closed eyes are moving underneath ,she is responding !

The head doctor is amazed and decides to call her husband in for a meeting.

" Look we are very hopeful your wife can come out of this coma with the application of some oral sex, seeing as you are her husband it's only natural that you are person involved, I am going to close the curtains and let you get on with it."

Husband goes on in... 10 minutes later the doctor comes in and is shocked to find the woman is now dead....what the hell happened !!??

Husband replies , I not sure doc... I think she must've choked !

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa's lap at the department store.

Santa says, I'll bet I know what you want for Christmas. With his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, toys.

The little boy answers, No, I have enough toys.

Santa tries again, tapping Johnny's nose with every letter, candy. Again, Johnny says, No, I have all kinds of candy.

Well, what would you like for Christmas Santa asks.

Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, pus*sy.

And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

I know a guy who played a country and western song backwards: his dog pulled through, his wfie came back and his car works again

Funniest country & western song title ever.
Jimmy Buffett - My head hurts, my feet stink and i don't love Jesus
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHw9K9yMots

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

New Home

(Then there's that horrific Irish country song about someone not paying their TV licence and ending up in Court. There aren't enough rolleyes emoticons.)


My car only works every other day. I think it might be the alternator.

I was trying to come up with some new jokes about the unemployed, but they don't work.

TheBody

I've an american friend who likes to run headfirst into hives. He's a US Bee charger.

New Home

"Can you explain this gap in your résumé?" Me: "I fell asleep on the space key."

New Home

King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?
Squire: 384 my liege
K: Ok, round them up
S: 400 my liege

New Home

Police have arrested the World Tongue Twister champion. I expect that they will give him a long sentence.

New Home

A massive shout out to all the awesome librarians.
Oh... yes... sorry...

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.

Why do the French eat snails? Because they don't like fast food.


A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.

Do you make fish cakes? he asked.

Yes, we do, replied the fishmonger.

Great, said the man, It’s his birthday.

New Home

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

New Home

Date: So what do you do?
Me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist.
Date: Oh wow.
Fox: and a ventriloquist.

New Home

I have a horse named Mayo.
Mayo neighs.

New Home

Q. What is the best thing to do when you are feeling down?
A. Take your hand off the duck.

New Home

A truck carrying Vicks Vapour Rub has spilt its load on the A1.
Traffic police are warning of no congestion for up to 8 hours.

New Home

I was in a cab today.
The taxi driver said "I love my job. I'm my own boss. No one tells me what to do."
I said, "Turn left here."

New Home

Tomorrow is Jamaican hairstyle day.... I'm dreading it.

New Home

What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea?
Denis.

New Home

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster.

New Home

During my annual checkup, my doctor asked me about the level of my physical activity.

I described a typical day this way.
"Yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through bushes.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it left me shattered.
At the end, I drank eight beers."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "Just a bad golfer."

New Home

[Interview]
"What are your strengths?"
Me: I fall in love easily.
"Okay... what are your weaknesses?"
Me:Those blue eyes of yours.

Capt'n Midnight

New Home wrote: »

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster.

But he wasn't the monster

Capt'n Midnight

British PhD student Matthew Hedges has been pardoned in the United Arab Emirates.

All he has to do now, is visit the UAE embassy to pick up his papers.

Capt'n Midnight

Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.

New Home

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

But he wasn't the monster

Considering what he thought was ethically acceptable to do, I'd say he was a monster indeed. :cool:

New Home

New Home wrote: »

Considering what he thought was ethically acceptable to do, I'd say he was a monster indeed. :cool:

Ah Shure, he was only experimenting!

I wonder if the bolts are metric?

New Home

Prob'ly Ikea leftovers.

Capt'n Midnight

Deleted User wrote: »

Ah Shure, he was only experimenting!

I wonder if the bolts are metric?

Probably not

While
Frankenstein Castle was in Germany, they didn't adopt the metric system until long after 1814.


Supposedly by 1810 there were 112 different standards for the Elle around GermanyIt's the distance between elbow and fingertip, a cubit or a foot and a half .

The food also varied from Aachen to Zürich and back again.
Lots and lots of units back then. I love standards, so many to choose from.



BTW
The concept came from Hollywood so probably UNC ( Unified Thread Standard ) so not metric :P

























P.S.
What did Frankenstein do when the monster lost it's head ?

He made a bolt for it :pac:

That's nuts (1/2" BSW)

Edward M

Pretty screwed up story really!

Allinall

Bought a dog from the local iron mongers last week.

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the back door.

Did you hear about the mathematician with an irrational fear of negative numbers?


He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

M.T. Cranium

Did you hear about the mathematician who brought three and one seventh pieces of apple pie on board a recent airline flight? It was a pi in the sky dream she had for many years.

Did you hear about the mathematician at the conference whose head looked like the number six thanks to his rather odd haircut? He was elected president of the congress but people said he was just a figurehead.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I was offered a job today but I turned it down because they were only willing to pay me in vegetables.

The celery was unacceptable.


My deaf wife just told me that we need to talk.

That was not a good sign.


How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady,

Why is your stomach so big?

She replied, Im having a baby.

With big eyes, he asked,

Is the baby in your stomach?
She said, He sure is.

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, Is it a good baby?"

She said, Oh, yes. It's a real good baby.

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked.

Then why did you eat him?

M.T. Cranium

Because he asked too many questions ....

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.


What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.