The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

What's the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Ken.

Candie wrote: »

What's the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

We are simple folk really.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLC7Qar_ym8

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!.

byrner88

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll kill you. When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
Great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already feeling at home.

byrner88

I called The AA this morning and said, "I've broken down on the M50.

"Sorry sir," she replied, "We only help alcoholics."

"That's handy," I said, "How soon can you get here?"

pleas advice

Have you ever wondered why Hawaii is so hot and Alaska is so cold even though they are literally right next to each other?

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?

None, replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away.

Well Jhonny the answer is four, said the teacher, but I like the way you're thinking.

Little Johnny says, I have a question for you teacher. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?

Well, said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone.

No, said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking.

Raheem Euro

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.
Boy: Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared.
Man: How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found out they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.They put the bull in the field with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

The Vet rubbed his chin and thought before asking, Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ? The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.You are truly a wise Vet, they said.

How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: My wife is from Scotland.

chewed

A man just threw some milk, cream and butter at me.

How dairy!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.The Receptionist said, Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today? There's something wrong with my penis he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.. Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.

The man replied, you shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass people The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, Yes?There's something wrong with my ear, he replied.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?

I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter..

youtube!

How do you get a fat bird into bed?










Piece of cake !

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

An 85-year-old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Mary, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?

The old man replied, Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

jimgoose

Paddy tells his boss that he's going to work from home the following day. "No you're sodding-well not!" barks Boss. "But Janet in Accounts does it, in fact she's doing that today!"
..



..
"Janet in Accounts isn't a JCB driver!!"

TinCanMan

I woke up this morning to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

One of the teachers had at play school had a little boy came up to her and said that he had found a frog.

The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.

The little boy said it was dead.

The teacher asked how he knew.

The boy said, I pissed in its ear.

The teacher said, You what?

He said, You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move.

So it must be dead."

New Home

2020 - the year in which everyone will finally get perfect vision. In 2021 we'll look back on it clearly.

Edward M

A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California , walked into a jewelery store in
a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There was only $25 in your account.'
'I know, said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

REMEMBER:- Not All Seniors Are Senile..

M.T. Cranium

Moses was half way down Mount Sinai with the stone tablets when he heard a voice from high above, "wait a minute, I forgot one."

"Oh, what's that one, we can add it down here probably?"

"Thou shalt not add it down there."

Spy jokes!

Rcvo fdiy ja ncjzn yj vgg nkdzn rzvm?
Nizvfzmn.

Rcvo yj tjp xvgg vi vggdbvojm di v qzno? Vi Diqznodbvojm Rct ydy ocz wjjf ejdi ocz kjgdxz?
Cz rviozy oj bj piyzmxjqzm!

Rcvo yzjyjmvio rvn kpo piyzmxjqzm?
Jgy NKT-xz.

Rcvo yj tjp xvgg do rczi jiz wpgg nkdzn ji vijoczm wpgg?
V nozvf-jpo!

Cvqz tjp nzzi ocz Nkt ocmdggzm vwjpo avo kzjkgz?
Do'n xvggzy "Ojhjmmjr Izqzm Ydzon"

Rcvo dn do rczi jiz wpoxczm nkdzn ji vijoczm wpoxczm?
V nozvf jpo. njpmxz:

cook://rrr.ejfzn5pn.xjh/kzjkgzejfzn/nktejfzn.cohg

PS they're weak ones.

New Home

Deleted User wrote: »

Spy jokes!

Rcvo fdiy ja ncjzn yj vgg nkdzn rzvm? Nizvfzmn. Rcvo yj tjp xvgg vi vggdbvojm di v qzno? Vi Diqznodbvojm Rct ydy ocz wjjf ejdi ocz kjgdxz? Cz rviozy oj bj piyzmxjqzm! Rcvo yzjyjmvio rvn kpo piyzmxjqzm? Jgy NKT-xz. Rcvo yj tjp xvgg do rczi jiz wpgg nkdzn ji vijoczm wpgg? V nozvf-jpo! Cvqz tjp nzzi ocz Nkt ocmdggzm vwjpo avo kzjkgz? Do'n xvggzy "Ojhjmmjr Izqzm Ydzon" Rcvo dn do rczi jiz wpoxczm nkdzn ji vijoczm wpoxczm? V nozvf jpo. njpmxz: cook://rrr.ejfzn5pn.xjh/kzjkgzejfzn/nktejfzn.cohg

PS they're weak ones.

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Ooops... No, I mean... what?

M.T. Cranium

N ktzsi ymjr kzssd.

(D ajpiy oczh apiit.)

New Home

Ssssh! Do you want everyone to know, FFS?!?

No, I mean.... what?!?

M.T. Cranium

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

N ktzsi ymjr kzssd.

(D ajpiy oczh apiit.)

I know they're funny. :P

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Scientists have discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart.

They described it as a blast from the past.


My wife told me, Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.

You’re much bigger than that.


Doctor, doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.

That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

Is it common?

It's not unusual.

Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

A Hippo is pretty heavy, a Zippo is a little lighter.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

One night, Mrs McNamara heard a knock at the door. When she opened it there was her husbands best Paddy standing on the doorstep.Hello Paddy, says Mrs Mc McNamara and then asks where is my husband?

He went with me to the beer factory replied Paddy as he shook his head.

Paddy then tells Mrs McNamara there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a barrel of Guinness and drowned.

Mrs McNamar starts crying.Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?

Paddy shakes his head and replies not really he got out 3 times to pee.

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?"

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy.

"Me too," says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be €32.62."

Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million euros or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories.

After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. But why? they asked.

Because, he said, I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Capt'n Midnight

Deleted User wrote: »

Spy jokes!

cookn://d.dhbpm.xjh/e2pz44U.ekb

There was an agent overseas and happened to be in Ireland and there was an emergency and it was necessary to contact him immediately. So they called in another agent and they said, ''Now, you'll go there. His name is Murphy and your recognition will be to say, ' 'Tis a fair day but it'll be lovelier this evening.' ''

So he went to Ireland and - a little town in Ireland, into the pub, elbowed himself up to the bar, ordered a drink and then said to the bartender, ''How would I get in touch with Murphy?''

And the bartender says, ''Well, if it's Murphy the farmer you want, it's two miles down the road and it's the farm on the left.'' He said, ''If it's Murphy the bootmaker, he's on the second floor of the building across the street. And,'' he says, ''my name is Murphy.''

So he picked up the drink and he said, ''Well, 'tis a fair day, but it'll be lovelier this evening.'' ''Oh,'' he said, ''it's Murphy the spy you want.''

- Ronald Regan.



cookn://rrr.kmznnmzvyzm.xjh/dmzgviy/dmdnc-diyzkziyzio/20060821/282144991819777

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

An Irish priest is driving down to New York gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, sir have you been drinking?
Just water, says the priest.

The trooper says, then why do I smell wine?

The priest looks at the bottle and says, Good Lord! He's done it again.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu.

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time, Pedro begged.

But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu.

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..

Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.

M.T. Cranium

I would like to know why that ostrich ordered the same meal as the guy every time. Also why he didn't keep dating.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

For the season that's in it. Here's a few naughty xmas jokes.

Why does Santa always come through the chimney?

Because he knows better than to try the back door.

Why was the snowman smiling?

He could see the snowblower coming down the street.

What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?

Both their balls are ornamental.

Why is Santa so damn jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh?

They go into town and blow more than a few bucks.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

Why doesn't Santa have kids of his own?

He only comes once a year.

everlast75

I have Pavarotti as my alarm.




I won't get out of bed for less than a tenor.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team.

She ran away from the ball.

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, Disneyland Left.

So they started crying and went home.

Capt'n Midnight

natashaob6 wrote: »

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team.

She had a pumpkin as a coach.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A Cork & Kerryman were backpacking in Canada.They were happily hiking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the two backpackers and begins to head toward them.

Davy from Cork drops his backpack, digs out a pair of runners, and frantically begins to put them on.

Seamus from Kerry asks what are you doing? runners won’t help you out run that bear.

I don't need to out run the bear, Davy says.

I just need to out run you.

Ipso

Deleted User wrote: »

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?"

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy.

"Me too," says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be €32.62."

Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million euros or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

In future add a cat to the joke, the cat never pays for anything.
Then when the waitress asks what’s going on, the man says he wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A man on a construction site 30 floors up had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the toilet

The foreman told him he was crazy by the time he got down and back he’d lose a half hour of time.

The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building.

He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee off the edge.

He also told the man that they were 30 floors up and that his piss would turn into vapor before it reached the bottom.

So the guy decided to take his advice.

Suddenly the foreman's cell phone rang and he jumped off the board to get it, allowing the peeing man to fall to his death.

At the inquest an electrician who was working on the 27th floor was asked if he knew what happened.

Not really, but I think it had something to do with sex.

The coroner said, Sex, why do you think it had something to do with sex?

The electrician replied, I saw the man falling with his co*k in his hand screaming,

Where did that co*ksucker go.

castletownman

Which one of the Spice Girls can carry the most petrol?

Geri can

Ted_YNWA

My wife and I watched 3 films back to back last night.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

My credit card company sent me a camouflaged bull.
It’s the hidden charges you have to watch out for.

Edgware

castletownman wrote: »

Which one of the Spice Girls can carry the most petrol?

Geri can

I'd give her a load to carry anytime

chewed

Did you hear that they're doing a Sade musical?

Apparently it's a smooth operetta.

Salvation Tambourine

I've been struggling to come up with a word to define a period of 24 hours...ah, I think I'll just call it a day.

BENDYBINN

Did you hear about the iPhone that committed murder?......It was brought to the garda station and charged .

BENDYBINN

Hear about the man who brought Aer Lingus to court for damaging his luggage?
His case was thrown out.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I just bought an expensive car, only to find the reverse gear was broken.

There’s no going back now.