The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

People called the Romanes they go the house.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.

He pulls the guy over and says you can’t drive around with penguins in this town take them to the zoo immediately.

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the same guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses.

He pulls the guy over and says i thought i told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?

The guy replies: I did.

Today I’m taking them to the beach.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,

Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,

Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate.

What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter.

The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler.

Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.

everlast75

DID YOU KNOW...

David Bowie bought Bing Crosby a pom pom for Christmas.

Not any old pom pom, though -

A proper pom pom.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Paddy bought a box of Olympic condoms gold, silver and bronze.

One night just before having sex with the wife Paddy says to her I think it'll use the gold one tonight.

The wife says to him use the silver one tonight and try and come second for a change.

byrner88

I accidentally dialed 999 from my mobile phone last night.

So I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.

byrner88

I was arrested yesterday for Shoplifting, The Officer said, "You are being charged with Stealing Two Bottles of Wine"...
I said, "You can't Charge me for Stealing Two Bottles"...
Officer, "Why not"...?
I said, "It was buy one get one free"...

CDBWhoop

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my grandad. And not screaming in terror like the passengers on his bus.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates.

He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted,The milky bars are on me his fellow workmates just cheered.


Sir Roger Moore has died aged 89.

His family are said to be shaken but not stirred.


I think the wife's taken the news of James Bonds death really badly..

I came home from work early, and she's upstairs in the bedroom screaming Roger..more...Roger more

So I left her to it.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Glen Campbell has recently arrived in Heaven.

Shortly after being checked in by Peter he is allocated an angel to be his guide.

He is then led into a beautiful courtyard full of happy people talking, and laughing.

The angel asks any questions Glen?

Glen asks, How long before we get a halo, and wings?

"Fifty years for the halo, and a hundred for the wings".

But that's princess Diana sitting over there.

She has a lopsided halo around her neck, and she only died twenty years ago.


"That's not a halo, replies the angel that's the steering wheel.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.

The bartender asks the man what he would like to drink.

The man says “Oh just a beer”.

The bartender then asked the man whats wrong, why are you so down today?.

The man said “My wife and i got into a fight, and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month.

The bartender replies, so whats wrong with that?

The man siad well the month is up tonight.

Capt'n Midnight

Before you laugh at children who believe in Father Christmas, remember, there are adults who still believe in Jose Mourinho..

Capt'n Midnight

Arsenal draw FC BATE Borisov in the Europa League. If you've never heard of them, they're a small club from North London.

DEFTLEFTHAND

****, shower, shave.

Feel ten pounds lighter.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause and asked please send me a sister?

Santa Clause wrote back, Ok, send me your mother.

If your left leg was thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I come visit you between the holidays?

M.T. Cranium

These Arsenal jokes put me in mind of this famous Canadian sporting joke ...

A man moved to Toronto and went to see the Maple Leafs play the Bruins. The fans continually chanted, "Go, Leafs, go." But they got thumped by five goals.

So the man asked a Leafs fan, "why do you chant that, it doesn't seem to be working?"

The fan said, "you know, I think you're right, I've chanted it every game this year, but they are always here again the next time."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A murderer is about to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand.

Needless to say, the priest was shocked.


Why did Karl Marx write in lowercase?

He hated capitalism.

coolhull

"Well, Paddy" said the doctor, "I can't quite diagnose your case. I'm beginning to think it must be the drink. "

"No worries," said Paddy. "I know how you feel.
Sure I'll come back later when you're sober."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

My Dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus.

When he retired they had to close the show.

They couldn’t find another man of his caliber.


I bought a blindfold yesterday…

I’m not sure why, I can’t see myself wearing it.


My author friend claims that he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

Still, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Mary is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.

She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts crying.

One of the attendants rushes over to comfort her.

Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologises and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.

The next day Mary returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Mary manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.

She asks the attendant, How did you manage to get that beautiful blue suit ?

Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit.

Incredibly, his wife was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit the attendant replied.

He continued after that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around.

patmac

Seriously, you'd have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no feckin' reason.

M.T. Cranium

I know, don't they realize it's nearly 2019 A.D.?

New Home

Surely you mean MMXIX.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they’re vegan.

They keep shouting, “Lettuce leaf!”


McDonald’s tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they’ve learned from their McSteaks.


I went to lunch with a champion chess player.

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt.


Why are good thieves so relaxed?

Because they take things easy.

DEFTLEFTHAND

Mitch Hedberg used to be funny, he still is, but he used to be too.

RobMc59

Day 67 without sex..:(
I'm getting that desperate I went for a jog with a pair of flip flops on so I could remember the sound!

Raheem Euro

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman & Welshman walk into a pub
The Welshman bought the 1st round
The Scotsman bought the 2nd
The Irishman the 3rd
The Englishman the 4th

They had a great night & came in as friends , left as friends.

RobMc59

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend.

My life is a mess, he says.

My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.

Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the collie.

I can’t, says the poodle.

I’m not allowed on the couch.



I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped presents.

It’s a gift.


I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and said,

This isn’t for me.

RobMc59

I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor!
At first I was afraid,I was petrified...

RobMc59

Glitter is to be banned this Christmas,a spokesperson said "it's been on the cards for years"!!.

M.T. Cranium

Raheem Euro wrote: »

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman & Welshman walk into a pub
The Welshman bought the 1st round
The Scotsman bought the 2nd
The Irishman the 3rd
The Englishman the 4th

They had a great night & came in as friends , left as friends.

Wouldn't the Scotsman be waiting to see if three would be enough?

RobMc59

Purchased a deodorant stick today,instructions said"remove cap and push up bottom"-I can hardly walk but when I fart it smells lovely!.

thesandeman

RobMc59 wrote: »

Purchased a deodorant stick today,instructions said"remove cap and push up bottom"-I can hardly walk but when I fart it smells lovely!.

^^^
So good you tried it twice?

simongurnick

A man walked into a bar...ouch!

byrner88

Only time of the year you can shout:

"dont come in here" from inside a closed room & people think your wrapping gifts and not ****

rizzodun

RobMc59 wrote: »

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

Told this at my sister in law's wedding years back, got a great laugh!

Especially as her maiden name was Fox.
:pac:

blade1

rizzodun wrote: »

Told this at my sister in law's wedding years back, got a great laugh!

Especially as her maiden name was Fox.
:pac:

Who did she marry,Dumbo?

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

My wife said she was kicking me out of the house if I didn’t stop singing Christmas songs.

I said, But baby, it’s cold outside.


My wife wanted me to make her knickers wet so i bought her a washing machine.



I met my mate Tommy today who has one arm and i asked him where he was going.

He said he was going to to change a light bulb. I said to him that's going to be difficult with juat one arm.

He replied no it won't i have the receipt with me.

moeblogs

A couple are Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve,
In order to cover more ground they decide to split up and meet up
In a couple of hours,
After 2 hours have passed the wife phones the husband,
Where are you she asks,
He replies,
Do you remember about eight years ago back in the depths of the recession we visited a small jewellers shop on Christmas Eve and you fell in love with a diamond necklace,
But we couldn't afford it,

Yes she replied breathlessly,

Do you remember I told you that I would buy it for you some day,

Yes she replied tears welling up
In her eyes,

Well I'm in the pub next door.

coldfire1x

A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.

Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

Try_harder

I've just seen The Nightmare Before Christmas.....

The Mother-in-Law's taxi has just pulled up outside.

coldfire1x

I asked a North Korean earlier "what's life like in north Korea?"

He answered "I can't complain"



My girlfriend told me I was too childish last week whilst we were shopping.

I was so shocked I almost fell out of the trolley.

Try_harder

I'll never forget the time Santa told me my parents aren't real.

Try_harder

Mary and Joseph,

now there's a stable relationship.

byrner88

Try_harder wrote: »

Christmas is the only time of the year where you can shout, "Don't come in here" and people won't assume you're having a ****.

really?? its a pity someone didnt post that before :rolleyes::rolleyes:

humberklog

Mick and Paddy arrive in New York in the mid 19th century. They're advised to head West where there was money aplenty to be made by killing Indians..."50 bucks a scalp!"

After days of wondering into the heartland they find themselves deep in a canyon...Paddy nudges Mick and says "Look up!".
High above them they spot over a hundred Indians looking down upon them.
Mick winks at Paddy- "Jayziz, we're rich beyond our wildest dreams!"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says,You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.

So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,Do I have to take them every day?

No, replies the doctor, take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.

Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.

Hello Mrs Murphy,he says, how’s your husband?

Oh he died of a heart attack, says Mrs Murphy.

I’m very sorry to hear that,says the doctor, I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.

Oh the tablets were fine, says Mrs Murphy,

It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!

TheBody

Got mugged by 6 dwarves last night. Not happy.

M.T. Cranium

Here's one you might be able to use after the Christmas meal with the in-laws ... hey, everyone has flaws, but you are a virtual skyscraper among men.