The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

BREAKING NEWS:
GATWICK HALTS ALL FLIGHTS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE , AFTER UNCONFIRMED REPORTS THAT A LITTLE BOY LOOKED UP AND SAYS HE SAW SANTA CLAUS.

foxy farmer

Sign in a local grocer shop.

Parents are asked not to leave babies and toddlers sitting on the bacon slicer as we are getting a little behind with our orders.

byrner88

If you were one of the many people on Grafton St or outside the Gaeity Theatre this evening you'd have heard Bono singing... If you weren't... well tonight thank God it's them instead of you....

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.

On the left side, there is nothing right.

On the right side, there is nothing left.


Mary was caught stealing a tin of pears from her local store and appeared in front of the judge the next day.

The judge said to her this is the third time you've been up in front of me for stealing.

He then asked Mary what did you steal this time?

Mary replied a tin of pears your honour.

He then asked how many pears were in the tin and Mary once again replied six your honour.

Ok Mary says the judge for each pair I'm going to give you one day in Mount Joy prison which totals six days.

With that Mary's husband stands up and shouts your honour she also stole a tin of peas.

byrner88

The wife wasn't happy I kept watching her on the cctv.

I can see where she's coming from

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

Well, whatcha gonna do about it? he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

This is the worst day of my life i say to him.

I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car had been stolen and I dont have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me so I came to this bar to work up the courage to end it all.

I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing but enough about me, how's your day going?

byrner88

Barman says to paddy," Your glass is empty do you want another one."

Paddy says “why the **** would I want two empty glasses?”

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

The TV game show was really close. One contestant was asked to name 2 of Santa's reindeer.

The contestant gave a sigh thinking that he had finally been given an easy question.

Rudolph and Olive the contestant replief?

We'll accept Rudolph but can you explain Olive asked the host?

The man looked at the host and said, You know, Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Mick and Paddy are sitting at the bar.
Mick asks Paddy would you rather have Dementia or Parkinson?

Paddy says ah i would preferre Parkinsons as i would rather spill some of my pint than forget that i had one in front of me.

byrner88

"Will you take that bloody santa hat off!" fumed the wife."Hey! It's Christmas." I protested."Yes and it also happens to be my mother's funeral." she snapped back.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers.

He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.

As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says,

Hey, what’s that little green thing down there?

The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a
raspberry, “SPLBLBLBLT!,” right in the face and runs back to
the Irishman.

The Englishman wipes himself off and says to the Irishman,

Hey, what is that thing, anyway?

The Irishman replies, Have some respect. He’s a leprechaun.

Oh, all right the Englishman says sullenly and they all go
back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered.
Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard! he says.

The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a
raspberry again, “SPLBLBLBLBT!”

This time the Englishman is really mad!

Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I’ll Chop his
willie right off, I will he shouts.

You can’t do that, says the Irishman.

Leprechauns don’t have willies.

How do they pee, then? asks the Englishman.

They don’t, says the Irishman.

They go SPLBLBLBLBT.

byrner88

My wife asked me to pick up her mother on Christmas morning and she ended up ruining the whole day.

She started complaining the moment I took her off the roof-rack.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Paddy and Mick are at the Galway races. Mick whispers to Paddy next to him do you want the winner of the next race?

Paddy replies No thanks, I've only got a small garden.

Paddy Murphy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says I've just found a sandwich that looks like a bomb.

The operator asks, "Is it tickin? Paddy replies no I tink it's beef.

A coach full of Paddy’s are on a mystery tour and decide to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going. The driver won €52.

TheBody

I asked my wife I was the only one she’d been with - she said "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights "

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I came home to find two guys stealing my gate.

I didn’t want to say anything in case they took a fence.


I had to change dentists.

The last one hurt my fillings.

TheBody

I’m addicted to cold turkey and I don’t know the best way to quit!

Capt'n Midnight

I always felt that Daffy Duck was funnier than Donald Duck but didn't get as much recognition because he was black.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act.

First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil.

Then… hey… pesto!



Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a supermarket.

How long have you felt like this?

Ever since I was Lidl.

Bob Harris

Out walking with the Mrs last night and we passed a new restaurant.

" did you smell that food? It was incredible!" She said.
Being the nice man I am I thought to myself " what the he'll, I'll treat her!".

So we walked past it again.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

My grandfather was a baker in the army.

He went in all buns glazing.


My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.

But I called her Bluff.

valoren

Movie Trivia.

Andy Garcia was offered the role of blind colonel Frank Slade in Scent of a Woman. However, Producers baulked at his request to be credited as Andy Can't See Ya and cast Al Pacino instead.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A man Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty five years of misery is enough.

Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer the father says.

We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, I'll take care of this.

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father you are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.

I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, Do you hear me? and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says sorted!

They're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.

coldfire1x

Me: What's the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: €3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A motorist drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, Pull Nellie pull. Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, Pull, Buster, pull. Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, Pull, Coco, pull. Still nothing.

Then the farmer yelled once again, Pull, Buddy, pull and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

Well the farmer replied Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try.

byrner88

Sorry, but I need to vent!!!!

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a shop. I don't want to mention the name of the shop because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the shop told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." 😡😡😡

No refund.
No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr...

I'll tell you what...I am NEVER buying another Lotto Ticket from there again

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him.

The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, Forgive me deacon, for I just gave a guy a blow job. The decon replies, You know son you have sinned.

The decon then looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there,

So he went out to ask one of the altar boys what the proest usually gives for a blow job.

The altar boy answered Oh, about five dollars.

TheBody

New Year's Eve is tomorrow night and I'm very nervous. I've been diagnosed with auld langxiety.

TheBody

Punctuation can really change a sentence.
Example:
I drank all the wine.
I drank all the punctuation.

Speedsie

TheBody wrote: »

Punctuation can really change a sentence.
Example:
I drank all the wine.
I drank all the punctuation.

Certainly can, it's the difference between:-

There's a Maypole dancer

And

Theresa May, Pole Dancer

Ted_YNWA

TheBody wrote: »

Punctuation can really change a sentence.
Example:
I drank all the wine.
I drank all the punctuation.

Speedsie wrote: »

Certainly can, it's the difference between:-

There's a Maypole dancer

And

Theresa May, Pole Dancer

And:

I helped my Uncle Jack off a horse.

I helped my uncle jack off a horse.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A midget asks the librarian,

Do you have any books on midget discrimination?

The librarian replies,

Top shelf.


I was in the pub the other night and a dwarf girl came in after about 20 minutes.

I asked her if she fancied a fu*k

She said "Fu*k off you pervert.

So I replied "I'm the pervert!

You've been staring at my di*k for the last half an hour.

"So where do you see yourself in two years?"

"I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze!


I never make mistakes.

I thought I did once; but I was wrong.


What has one head, one foot and four legs?

A Bed.

What season is it when you are on a trampoline?

Spring time.


Where does a sheep go for a haircut?

To the baaaaa baaaaa shop.


What is the best day to go to the beach?

Sunday, of course!


What bow can’t be tied

A rainbow!


What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor?

A knight light.


What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?

The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says “chew chew chew”.


Where did the computer go to dance?

To a disc-o.


Why did the orange stop?

Because, it ran outta juice.


Did you hear the joke about the roof?

Never mind it's over your head.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words.

Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance.

He thinks for a second before saying, Food bad.

Ten years later, he says, Bed hard.

It’s the big day, a decade later.

He gives the head monk a long stare and says, I quit.

I’m not surprised, the head monk says.

You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

Human beings are the only animals that stutter, she says.

A little girl raises her hand and said I had a kitty cat who stuttered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

Well she began, I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard.

That must've been scary, said the teacher.

It sure was said the little girl.

My kitty raised his back, went Fffff, Fffff, Fffff and before he could say F*ck, the Rottweiler ate him.

everlast75

Ah, 2018....


I remember it like it was yesterday...

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

You’ll get your chance in court said the police sergeant at the desk.

No, no no said the man. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.

I’ve been trying to do that for years.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I couldn’t understand why my dog was motionless.

Then I realised it was on paws.


The doctor I’m seeing for my bad back is Egyptian.

He’s a Cairo-practor.

its_steve116

Who is Andrew Broad's favourite pop group?

Sugababes.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box.

Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and $10,000.

A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.

Oh that Frank said. Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box.

Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.

But what about the $10,000 she asks?

Frank replied every time I got a dozen eggs I sold them.

TheBody

My mate Dave reckons that life on earth began in Dubrovnik.

He's a Croatianist.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, Do you know what I think?
His mom replies, I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom again are Fred and Mary up yet?

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, Do you know what I think?

His mom replies, Never mind what you think eat your lunch and go back to school.

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, Are Fred and Mary up yet?
Once again his mom says "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?
His Mom replies, Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says l ast night Fred came to my room looking for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.

its_steve116

What is Andrew Broads favourite song?

Sugar Baby Love.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

Where are you hurting asked the doctor?

You have to help me, I hurt all over, said the woman.

What do you mean, all over asked the doctor?

Can you be a little more specific?

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, ouch that hurts.

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, ouch that hurts, too.

Then she touched her right earlobe, ouch
even that hurts, she cried.

The doctor checked her thoroughly for a moment and told her his diagnosis,

You have a broken finger he replied.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.


What's the difference of deer nuts and peanuts?

Peanuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

valoren

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton die and go to hell.

They are lined up in front of three doors. The first is opened to reveal a swarm of wasps and mosquitoes. Satan's voice booms "Mr Obama you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these vile creations!" And with that, Obama is thrown into the room and the door slams shut.

Clinton and Trump are now terrified. The second door opens, and it reveals a room filled with angry, rabid dogs. Satan's voice booms again "Mr Clinton you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these ghastly beasts!" And with that, Clinton is thrown into the room and the door slams shut.

Trump is now terrified. The final door opens, but instead of there being anything horrific, Trump sees the most drop-dead gorgeous young woman he has ever laid eyes on, with perfect skin, a stunning face, and thick flowing hair.

Satan's voice booms one final time "Ms Simon, you have sinned....…"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.

The priest replies. Get out. You're on my side.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I was at a funeral yesterday and the priest asked has anyone got any kind words to say about for him?

It was greeted by silence.

Any friends any work mates the priest continued to ask?

There was still silence.

The priest then asked again can anyone say anything nice about this man?

A voice from the back said yeah, his brother was a bigger cu*t.

Capt'n Midnight

How much pirates do pay to have their ears pierced ?

A buccaneer.

Capt'n Midnight

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

How much pirates do pay to have their ears pierced ?

A buccaneer.

And then there was the deaf pirate. He'd no buccaneers.

And what the pirate who turned 80 say?

"Aye m'atey!"

What do you call a pirate with both eyes and both legs? A beginner.

My nephews have a book of pirate jokes.