The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Ted_YNWA

pleas advice wrote:

what did one albumen say to the other albumen in the club?

New Home wrote:

(See what I did there? )

Glair-ingly obvious

Mefistofelino

pleas advice wrote: »

what did one albumen say to the other albumen in the club?

"Got any yokes?"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!

A pastor hears this and asks, Why are you calling them 'dam fish.The boy responds, Because I caught these fish at the local dam.

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.

He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds,

That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes.

New Home

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

Glair-ingly obvious

BRAVO, Ted! Hats off to you and a slow clap in appreciation. :cool::)

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his p*nis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home upset.

His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my p*nis into the pickle slicer?

His wife gasps, My God, Bill, what happened?

I got fired.

No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?

Oh, um, she got fired, too.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish.

The first person said, I want to be gorgeous.

God snapped his fingers and it happened.

The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing.

This went on and on throughout the group.

God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically.

By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.

When the man's turn came, he laughed and said,

I wish they were all ugly again.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

An abdominal snowman.


My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.

I couldn't find the words to thank her.


How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

What do you call an explosive horse?

Neigh-palm.


One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.

We don't have Oleg to stand on.


A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.

Clever clogs.

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.


You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.


What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?

Unstable.


I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.

I'm Ruthless.


What type of magazines do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

byrner88

My wife said, "Can you explain to me why I've just found a pair of women's underwear in your coat pocket?"

I said, "Yes. It's because you were being a nosey ****!"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was Onestone. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them. The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, Good morning, Onestone. He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, Good to see you, Onestone. Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

Capt'n Midnight

I had an argument with a lollipop lady today.

She made me cross.

Capt'n Midnight

Happy to read in the news that fibre helps protect you against heart disease and bowel cancer, but they didn't mention if the speed matters I'm on 80mb, but might upgrade to 200mb if that helps

Capt'n Midnight

Girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!" Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong He said, I have a 22 year old wife at home.
She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.

I said, Well, then why are you crying?

He said, She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports on TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.

I said, Well, why are you crying?

He said, For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the small hours.

I said, Well, why in the world would you be crying?

He said, I can't remember where I live!

byrner88

My wife's not speaking to me again.
On my passport application I filled in the Marital Status field as

"Unhappy."

byrner88

The wife and I were lying In bed this morning.

When she said she thought the romance had gone out of our marriage...

I wish she wouldn't disturb me when I'm having a ****!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A husband says to his wife, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time.

The wife thinks about it for a few moments and replies,

Your d*ck is bigger than your brothers.



Wife: How would you describe me?

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: What does that mean?

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Capt'n Midnight

Don't ever let 80s star Paul Young leave a hat at your house. He'll try and claim your property.

Capt'n Midnight

I enrolled on a course entitled “Idiots guide to Origami”.

You’re probably thinking “Why?”

Well, the answer is twofold...

Capt'n Midnight

A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of my ribbon-repair business yesterday!!

Capt'n Midnight

Last night at a party, I nearly choked on a shoestring !


I couldn't believe that someone had laced my drink.



...




And yes, I've been tripping all day.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A blonde is wearing a pair of socks that don't match, one is red and the other is white.

Her friend sees her out and says, "You know your socks don't match, right?

You're wearing one red sock and one white sock.

The blonde responds,

That's so weird! I have another pair just like it in my drawer at home.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes.

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals of the USA.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.

I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes she snarled.

I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do.

I memorized all the state capitals.

One of the guys, of course, said, I don't believe you.

What is the capital of Nevada? N, she answered.

coolhull

My wife asked for a bit of peace and quiet while she cook dinner.


So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm...

McMurphy

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, , a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Englishman an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Caledonian. a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scotsman, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Vanuatuan, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean

all go to a bar..

The doorman stops them and says ‘sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.’

Emmersonn

A guy gives his friend ten puns hoping one of them will make him laugh.
Sadly no pun in ten did.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said,

Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.

The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.

The policeman said, Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!

The boy answered, I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema.

bonzodog2

THE END IS NEAR

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish on the border of Northern Ireland and Republic of Ireland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which reads:

"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells:

"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says:
"Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa, Sean agrees, then adds: "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say:




"BRIDGE CLOSED"?

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

jimgoose

I've taken up cage-fighting as part of my New Year fitness routine. Won my first bout last night - feckin' budgie never knew what hit him.

RobMc59

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said- "she's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said-"If you think she's beautiful you should see my girlfriend mate."
He saiď"why?,is she a stunner?"
I said"No,she's an optician!"

jimgoose

Q: How many hipsters does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: To be honest with you, it's an obscure number - you probably haven't heard of it.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A boy says to a girl, So, sex at my place?

Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code.

Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?

Later on the girl is yelling, Cheese cheese, tomato tomato.

The younger brother says,

Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is.

She replies, okay, Jhonny meet me after class and we'll settle it.

But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students leave school Johnny makes his guess.

Blue Jhonny says

Nope says the teacher you got it wrong, she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.

Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money.

She follows Johnny outbut when they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

His dad says that mother fcuker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pu*sy before the end of the day!

Capt'n Midnight

Duck walks into a shop and says "got any bread?"

The shopkeeper replies "certainly this is a bakery, what type of bread would you like"

The duck says "I've well fecked this joke up haven't I ?"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.

They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.

The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.

The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

byrner88

I went skydiving today for the first time.

The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane.

As we plummeted

He said : "So how long have you been an instructor? "

byrner88

We were having some friends over for dinner and my wife was getting nervous.

"When it's time to eat," she said, "do I say 'Dinner is ready' or 'Dinner is served'?"

I said, "If it's anything like your usual cooking, just say 'Dinner is ****ed'."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself.

In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.


What does a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?

They both have to pass the bar.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet.

He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

GBX

A young South London woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose and the prospect of going to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Woolwich ferry."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week.

However, there was a problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show,

Look, it's not the same hat.

Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.

Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day, the ship had an accident and sank.

The magician found himself with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day, then another, and another.

Finally, after a week, the parrot said, "Okay, I give up.

Where the heck is the boat?"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Apologies for the double post. The joke sounds funnier when you read it twice. I hope.

Buford T. Justice XIX

natashaob6 wrote: »

Apologies for the double post. The joke sounds funnier when you read it twice. I hope.

*POOF*


And it's gone;)

frag420

Buford T. Justice V wrote: »

*POOF*


And it's gone;)

There are a few more “jokes” that could do with a vanishing...

Capt'n Midnight

^^^^^

Did you hear about the magician walking down O'Connell Street ?

He turned in to Henry Street

frag420

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

^^^^^

Did you hear about the magician walking down O'Connell Street ?

He turned in to Henry Street

Soon after that he turned into George’s street and disappeared in a poof...

Capt'n Midnight

Some daft twit from Peru,
wrote Limericks that stopped at line two.

Capt'n Midnight

God and an Angel were creating Bees:

God sternly said “Make sure to have them be an important part in pollination”.

“Ok boss will do”. Replied the Angel.

Then God said “Have them fly with little wings and a sting in their tail”.

“Excellent idea my Lord” Agreed the Angel.



Then God said Excitedly “Oh oh and give them the greatest knees ever!”.

Capt'n Midnight

At a wedding in I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride right ugly"

"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

"I'm not . . . I'm her mother."

Capt'n Midnight

Top Tip :

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday