The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

byrner88

After a pikey wedding caused a mass riot recently, the best man ended up in court. In front of the judge, he was trying to explain the traditions of a 'romany' wedding:

Pikey Best Man: "Well, it was like this, your honour: as it is a custom for the best man to have the first dance with the bride, which I was, nice and close like, the groom comes over and kicks the bride in the **** as hard as he could."

Judge: "Gosh, that must have hurt."

Pikey Best Man: "Hurt? You're not kidding me - he broke three of me ****ing fingers."

byrner88

Burglars have become very clever recently. Just last night my wife turned to me in the middle of the night and said "Wake up! There's somebody downstairs!" So I got out of bed and quietly checked every room.

Suddenly I realized that I don't have a wife.

Dakotabigone

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my EARS?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

Dakotabigone

A policeman stopped me as I walked out of Curry's today. He said, "Before I perform a search, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?" I said, "No mate, just Sony and Panasonic."

Capt'n Midnight

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...


...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

Capt'n Midnight

I always keeps an empty milk bottle in my fridge, just in case someone wants a black coffee

Capt'n Midnight

To all those who received a book off me for Christmas.

They're due back at the library today.

everlast75

Clive Swift, of Keeping up Appearances has passed away.

You could say he kicked the Bouquet...

Edward M

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Paddy Cow

everlast75 wrote: »

Clive Swift, of Keeping up Appearances has passed away.

You could say he kicked the Bouquet...

I think you'll have lots of company!

joeguevara

My mate was getting locked up today and in his custody letter he was told that he could bring one personal item. I saw him putting a box of Tampax in his bag. When i asked why the f**k is he bringing them in. He answered ‘well it says on the box that I can swim, ski and mountain climb with them’!

There really is no helping some people!

TheChevron

Brexit walks into a bar.
Barman: “Why the long farce?”

coldfire1x

“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.

“And I love you tons.” I replied.

“What, no nickname for me?” She asked.

Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.

RobMc59

My wife says I have 2 faults-I don't listen...and something else.

M.T. Cranium

Evidence was heard in court that John Smith, of Kalamazoo, had beaten one man to death with a full carton of Cheerios, and another with a box of Special K. There were suspicions that a third person had been killed with Corn Flakes.

Police said they were glad to have removed one of the worst cereal killers from the streets.

byrner88

A fit bird came up to me today and said, "Hey, you're that funny guy that puts up those jokes on the internet."

"That's me," I replied.

She said, "Are they true stories?"

"They aren't," I replied.

Then we enjoyed a six hour sex session.

Dakotabigone

I'll probably go to hell for this one ��
Camilla Parker Bowles bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night after the festivities were finally over, she and Prince
Charles had retired to their room at the Buckingham Palace.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, they are killing me.
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla.
'Harder?' Charles yelled back,
'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!' 'Come on, give it all you've got ' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'
in their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that.
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter.
At which point, Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

joeguevara

B urglars have become very clever recently. Just last night my wife turned to me in the middle of the night and said "Wake up! There's somebody downstairs!" So I got out of bed and quietly checked every room.

Suddenly I realized that I don't have a wife.

Oh, Clive! "He liked period furniture... That doesn't mean it was red and moist..."

Dakotabigone

joeguevara wrote: »

B urglars have become very clever recently. Just last night my wife turned to me in the middle of the night and said "Wake up! There's somebody downstairs!" So I got out of bed and quietly checked every room.

Suddenly I realized that I don't have a wife.

I have realized that this joke has been posted several times.

joeguevara

Dakotabigone wrote: »

I have realized that this joke has been posted several times.

Jaysus not only are burglars getting more clever they are getting more mobile!

Capt'n Midnight

I have nothing against Muslims, but when Cat Stevens converted and changed his name to Yusuf Islam I immediately changed my name by deed poll to Cat Stevens.




I get all his royalties now :pac:

byrner88

The woman at the Job Centre said, "You're always late, you ignore the queue of people and you are rude to everyone."

I said, "What's your point?"

She said, "Have you ever thought of becoming a bus driver?"

byrner88

To prove my love for my wife, I climbed the highest mountains, swam the deepest rivers, and crossed the hottest deserts.

Despite all this she left me...

I was never home.

Capt'n Midnight

My wife found out I'd been cheating when she discovered the letters I'd hidden.
















Looks like we've played our last game of Scrabble.

branie2

What do you call a polar bear in the Algarve?

Lost

Capt'n Midnight

The inventor of WinRar has been arrested.








His trial is expected to last forever

Ipso

Weather forecast for Iraq, Sunni today but Shiite tomorrow.

chewed

I've been recommended the Adam Ant diet.

Don't chew ever, don't chew ever...

chewed

chewed wrote: »

I've been recommended the Adam Ant diet.

Don't chew ever, don't chew ever...

But you chewed!

coldfire1x

A man goes to the doctors for a check-up, the doctor says, "You need to stop masturbating!"

"Why?" asks the man.

The doctor replies, "Because I am trying to examine you!"

Capt'n Midnight

This guy keeps ringing me and asking for Prince Charming.

Every time I tell him there's no one here by that name, but he's adamant.

Capt'n Midnight

Apparently humans can catch equine flu. The first symptom is you feel a little horse....

Capt'n Midnight

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Apparently humans can catch equine flu. The first symptom is you feel a little horse....

How do you know the wife's got equine flu?


Nag! Nag! Nag! Nag! Nag! Nag!

Dakotabigone

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn"t want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her grandaughter. Grandma asked, "why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that"s awfully nice of them. I think I"ll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" "I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry..." The policeman fainted.

joeguevara

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Apparently humans can catch equine flu. The first symptom is you feel a little horse....

Followed by the trots

Dakotabigone

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster. Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus.

RobMc59

Brexit joke..
Britain-"the iceberg will blink first!".....

Capt'n Midnight

Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's new film


Taken: Out Of Context.

byrner88

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof

Capt'n Midnight

My girlfriend told me she hoped I had something special planned for Valentine's Day.

I said "I'm working on it." and she smiled.


Which was weird as I thought she would be upset that I'm having to work on Valentine's Day.

scamalert

Wife says to husband one day that she wants to spice things up in their sex life and do a threesome and says maybe he could ask their neighbor to join.Husband is a bit reluctant at idea but agrees.


He approaches his neighbor with the offer.


Neighbor thinks for a bit, that he always wanted to bang his wife as she was a fine woman, and agrees to do threesome.


after first couple orgies, husband approaches neighbor again and asks to join them.


This time neighbor comes out and says, I only agreed to do this because i wanted to bang your wife but instead i always end up sucking your $ick each time :pac:

byrner88

Since my dear beloved wife died after 27 years of marriage, I've become so lonely so I decided to join a dating agency yesterday and they immediately found me a match. I met her only this morning and we both hit it off right away - we even came back to my place and had amazing sex. Don't get me wrong, I'll never forget my wife but this new lady has given me hope that I can live again. She's also promised to be there to comfort me at my wife's funeral tomorrow afternoon

Edward M

I was at a football match in Japan once, at 90 mins the two teams started to fight using martial arts.
I turned to the fella next to me and said, what the hell is going on, he said, there's always a bit of ninjary time after these games here.

RobMc59

My boss text me -"send me one of your funny jokes".
I replied-"I'm working at the moment,I'll send you one later".
He said-"that was fantastic ! send me another one."

el_gaucho

My boss caught me admiring his new car today. He said, “Gaucho, keep working hard and this time next year I’ll have an even better one “.

M.T. Cranium

Just simply mentioning oral sex is not, in and of itself, a joke, right?

Just checking.

Kevin Finnerty

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

Just simply mentioning oral sex is not, in and of itself, a joke, right?

Just checking.

All depends how you put your mouth around it I suppose.

el_gaucho

Actually my boss caught me texting the other day. He said, “why aren’t you working?” I said, “I didn’t see you coming.”

TheChevron

John Travolta and Nicholas Cage walk into a bar.

Barman says "Why the wrong face?"