The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Booms

Sad to hear the inventor of Velcro has died.
May he RRRRRRRRIP!

byrner88

I phoned my girlfriend, and said, "I was thinking dinner at my place tonight, think you can make it?"

She said, "I'll be there at seven, babe."

I replied, "Make it five, the dinner won't prepare itself."

Capt'n Midnight

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

Capt'n Midnight

Only the true king could remove the sword from the stone. No one else could.

They didn't have the right ..... Arthurization.

byrner88

I accidentally dropped a piece of paper into a rockery. Utter carnage. The rocks never stood a chance.

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^

don't get it

valoren

What do you call an Italian who says they need a makeover?

Luca Da Cutamia

Buford T. Justice XIX

fryup wrote: »

^^^^^^^^^^^

don't get it

Rock, paper, scissors.

byrner88

I just got a new job as a street cleaner!

Turns out there’s not much training involved, you just pick stuff up as you go along

Capt'n Midnight

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Control freak....now you say "Control freak who?" and then I deliver the punchline.

lbc2019

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

aaqil jettson

Knock knock!

Come in

....

Sharp MZ700

aaqil jettson wrote: »

Knock knock!

Come in

....

4 dots who?

Sheridan81

I have a friend who didn't believe me when I told her there's such a thing as Sea Holly.

She's a holly coast denier.

TheChevron

I saw the Apple shop being robbed in town today.

I'm an iWitness

aaqil jettson

Knock knock!

who's there?

Labrinth,

come in

blade1

aaqil jettson wrote: »

Knock knock!

who's there?

Labrinth,

come in

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Labyrinth.

Get lost!

waynescales1

"If there's a bad book keeping joke, IIIII haven't heard it."

aaqil jettson

Eating a clock is very...... Time consuming

everlast75

aaqil jettson wrote: »

Eating a clock is very...... Time consuming

Especially when you go back for seconds.....

Suckit

Don't even attempt the minute steak..

blade1

Suckit wrote: »

Don't even attempt the minute steak..

It's fine when you add some Thyme.

ILoveYourVibes

Doctor : you have 4 minutes to live Me : play Wuthering Heights Doctor : but it's 4:26 God : it's ok

aaqil jettson

Me: Doc, how long have i got?

Doc: ten...

Me: ten what? years? months?

Doc: nine...

Suckit

What did the drummer name his twin daughters?






























Anna one, Anna two

Capt'n Midnight

I have a Polish friend who is roadie for a rock band

And I have a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer.



How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?

He doesn't know when to come in.



How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?


You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.




What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm?

A tattoo.




Why are band breaks limited to only 20 minutes?

So you don't have to retrain the drummer.


How can you make a drummer's car more aerodynamic?

Take the Pizza sign off of it.



What's the difference between a drummer and shoes in a dryer?

No much



Why do drummers have lots of kids?

They're not too good at the Rhythm Method.



A customer walks into the brand new store downtown that sells brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering gray brain. The first one says "SCIENTIST", and it costs $100. The second says "ELECTRICIAN" and costs $1000. The third says "DRUMMER" and costs $10,000. The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson.
"I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an scientist's brain for $100?".

The salesman replied, "Because, it's never been used."




What's the difference between a drummer and a government bond?

Government bonds mature and make money.

M.T. Cranium

I would expect some repercussions.

everlast75

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer.



How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?

He doesn't know when to come in.



How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?


You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.




What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm?

A tattoo.




Why are band breaks limited to only 20 minutes?

So you don't have to retrain the drummer.


How can you make a drummer's car more aerodynamic?

Take the Pizza sign off of it.



What's the difference between a drummer and shoes in a dryer?

No much



Why do drummers have lots of kids?

They're not too good at the Rhythm Method.



A customer walks into the brand new store downtown that sells brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering gray brain. The first one says "SCIENTIST", and it costs $100. The second says "ELECTRICIAN" and costs $1000. The third says "DRUMMER" and costs $10,000. The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson.
"I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an scientist's brain for $100?".

The salesman replied, "Because, it's never been used."




What's the difference between a drummer and a government bond?

Government bonds mature and make money.

And my favourite drummer joke.....


How do you know if the band stage is level?


Equal amounts of drool coming out of each side of the drummer's mouth

Purple Mountain

Back in my day you could go into a shop with a pound and come out with a can of Coke, an ice pop and a bag full of penny sweets.
Nowadays...
CCTV is everywhere.

Capt'n Midnight

everlast75 wrote: »

And my favourite drummer joke.....

What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer ?

You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.

Why is it appropriate that the Rolling Stones let their song “Start Me Up” be used for a Windows 95 commercial?

Because it contains the lyrics “You’d make a grown man cry.”

So The Beatles and their producer, George Martin, were in the studio......

Paul: Any ideas on how to end Hey Jude?

John: Nah

George: Nah

Ringo: Nah

George Martin: Nah

Paul: Perfect!

What did the octopus say to his girlfriend at the Beatles concert?

I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand...

Chuck Norris once went on a vacation to the UK. Feeling thirsty, he went into an English bar and ordered and drank 234 pints of unfiltered whiskey. When asked to pay his tab, Chuck responded with a massive belch that lasted for 8 hours and 41 minutes. A nearby sound studio managed to record the amazing sound, and today we know this as the Beatles' White Album.

M.T. Cranium

Oh come on, it's not that good.

RobMc59

Thank heaven for venetian blinds!
or it'll be curtains for all of us....

the beer revolu

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I have a Polish friend who is roadie for a rock band

And I have a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.

I know him, he's a sound Czech!

Capt'n Midnight

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University, and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Oh, Mother," he replied, shaking his head sadly, "they're such terrible, noisy people: The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop; and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night."

"But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbours?"

"Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."

foxy farmer

It was Christmas and the mood was festive. All of the world put on a happy face and joy was the norm. Well at least for most people not unfortunately for Brendan Quinn a man of heavy heart and no wonder in the scramble to enjoy every minute of the whole day he'd hit the pub at a 100 miles an hour and before knowing as he had bought the world and his wife a drink. Suddenly he realized that Christmas or not he was skint.
What made it was was that he had not bought the turkey and ham for the Christmas dinner. What to do how to explain it all to darling Betty. Think quick Quinn think quick or die. As if the almighty were guiding his steps Brendan found himself outside Dalys butcher shop and there was Dalys dog. BING! an idea formed in brendan's brain and quick as you like he snatched up the dog and raced off to his garden shed. Grabbing his bicycle pump he shoved the lead into the dog's ass and began pumping air. Gradually little-by-little the dog began to swell when I was about half as big again as normal he carried it back to Daly the butcher.
Is this your dog he demanded
it is but it looks bigger .
It certainly is bigger snorted Quinn because it ate our Christmas turkey and ham
Many apologies spluttered Daly please let me make it up to you help yourself to turkey ham sausages and whatever else you want.
Off skipped Quinn a man literally over the moon with satisfaction to totally enjoy the festive season.
It was New Year's Eve when he saw Daly again. As he passed the butchers he noticed the front windows smashed and Daly boarding it up.
What happened asked Quinn Burglars vandals?No answered Daly the strangest thing I had just repaired a puncture on my bicycle and I got the pump to pump up the tire the dog look took one look at the pump and jumped straight out through the window.

byrner88

My daughter has been on the carousel for over an hour now.

I would get her off if I could remember which suitcase she was in.

byrner88

A mother travelled 2000 miles across the world to be with her only son on the day he received his Air Force Wings,
and also got married the same evening .
"Thanks for coming" ,
he said later,
"It meant so much to me" .

"I would'nt have missed it,
she said .
"After all,
it's Not every day a mother can watch her son get Wings in the morning and have them Clipped in the evening"

waynescales1

Caller: "Hello? I've got a cow stuck in my fridge!"

Technician: "Is it Friesian?"

Caller: "No it's still warm but I need to get the cow out quick!"

Sheridan81

Jeffrey Dahmer called up the Samaritans for help.

"Whatever you do, don't put your head in the oven!"

"But it's getting cold."

Ted_YNWA

As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...

"This takes me back"

TheChevron

Sheridan81 wrote: »

Jeffrey Dahmer called up the Samaritans for help.

"Whatever you do, don't put your head in the oven!"

"But it's getting cold."

fryup

^^ Jeffrey Dahmer used to eat body parts (he was a serial killer)

So if he had them for breakfast, would that make him a cereal killer?

tayto lover

Deleted User wrote: »

So if he had them for breakfast, would that make him a cereal killer?

They were “straw men”.

Capt'n Midnight

My nickname at school was scarface

I was only deadly at knitting