The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

Top Tip :

Your current girlfriend doesn't like being referred to as your current girlfriend.

byrner88

I just bought the wife a solar powered vibrator.

Seeing as the sun shines out of her arse it should save me a ****ing fortune on batteries.

byrner88

I'm making a fortune out of promoting home security systems.
The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Hello".

At 3 in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

TheChevron

Sad news about the passing of Uncle Ben.

No more Mr. Rice Guy

whiskeyman

Deleted User wrote: »

So if he had them for breakfast, would that make him a cereal killer?

He always liked to get a head in the morning...

tayto lover

A very naive Irish farmer visits London. His first time outside the country. As soon as he arrives he visits a pub and starts drinking. He thinks it’s like home and is chatting to everyone and buying them drinks.
He meets a very good looking woman and buys her drink all night. Soon he realizes that he hasn’t found a place to stay as yet. She tells him he can stay with her.
When they arrive at her house she shows him the bedroom and tells him he can sleep there and she joins him. They have a great night of sex.

About a month later he’s at home working in his field when a large car pulls up and a man carrying a briefcase approaches him. The man says “ Paddy you visited London a few weeks ago and you met a woman who is actually my wife and you ended up in my house and in my bed having sex”. The man produces large colour photos of them in the bed and smaller black and white images taken from a hidden camera and asks Paddy what he’s going to do about it.

Paddy tells him that he had a great night and to show his appreciation he’ll buy 5 of the colour photos and 4 of the black and white.

Capt'n Midnight

^^^^

When the KGB tried to blackmail Indonesian President Achmed Sukarno with videotapes of the president having sex with Russian women disguised as flight attendants, Sukarno wasn't upset. He was pleased. He even asked for more copies of the video to show back in his country.

Capt'n Midnight

Over in the UK a Government of National Unity is being considered by all Westminster parties, to save them from a potentially disastrous episode of democracy.

Capt'n Midnight

The wife burst in on me having sex

"How could you do this to me with my sister?!"

I said "It's not what it looks like!"

She said "How the fúck isn't it?!"


I said "It's actually your mother in a school uniform"

Capt'n Midnight

I was tied naked face down on the bench when the Dominatrix entered the room.

She showed me a very large onion and said " this is going to make your eyes water."


I replied "thank god for that I thought you were going stick something up my AAAAAARRGH"

byrner88

A bloke goes into Tesco and tries to buy half a cauliflower. The young assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers.

The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager "Some prick out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."

As he finished his sentence, he turns to find the man standing right behind him, so he adds, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approves the deal, and the man goes on his way.

Later the manager says to the boy "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Glasgow sir," the boy replies. "Really? Why did you leave Glasgow?" the manager asks.

"Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there."

"Really?" says the manager. "My wife is from Glasgow!!"

"You're kidding?" Says the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

fr336

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

RobMc59

.

A priest was taking confession one evening when a man came in to confess to his sins.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin my child?” The priest asked kindly.

“I had sex with Fanny Green twice last week.”

“You are forgiven,” The priest told the man. “Go out and say three Hail Marys.”

The man thanked him and left, but immediately after another man came in to tell his sins.

“Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex with Fanny Green three times last week.”

This time the priest had to ask. “Who is this Fanny Green person?”

“She’s new to the parish,” was the reply.

The next day at mass, a beautiful woman entered the church and made her way to the seats at the front. The entire congregation stopped and stared at the woman as she passed. She was gorgeous, and wore extremely shiny green shoes and a green dress which was so short that when she sat down in front of the priest he could see that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

The embarrassed priest whispered to the altar-boy beside him: “Is that Fanny Green?”

“No sir,” the altar-boy replied. “I think it’s the reflection from her shoes!”

.

byrner88

Dennis Taylor was my favourite snooker player. He played in some massive frames.

Now he prefers contact lenses.

M.T. Cranium

This is why he no longer fears accidentally sinking the 6-ball.

Illgetmycoat

what did the banana say to the vibrator?

What the **** are you shaking for she is going to eat me!!!

Illgetmycoat

An old woman at the bank machine (ATM) seemed like she was having trouble so I asked her if she needed any help,

She told me she did she asked me to check her balance,

so I pushed her

byrner88

Kenny Dalglish decides to come out of retirement and play for Liverpool, he goes into the changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" He asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Man U. They're crap and we can't be bothered".
Kenny looks at them and says "Well I know I'm a bit fat and old, but I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Kenny goes out to play Man U by himself and the rest of the Liverpool team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows
"Liverpool 1 (Dalglish 10 minutes) – Man U 0
He is beating Man U all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the TV on.
"Result from Anfield: Liverpool 1 (Dalglish 10 minutes) – Man U 1 (Sanchez 89 minutes)
They can't believe it, he has single handed got a draw against Man U! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down I've let you down"
"Don't be stupid Kenny, you got a draw against Man U all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
Kenny says "No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes!

byrner88

I went to my girlfriend's funeral today and it was the first time I'd met her parents...

What a pair of miserable ****ers

byrner88

Just walked through someone's cloud of vape smoke and came out the other side as 'Cher' on 'Stars in their Eyes.'

Booms

One from the absolutely brilliant Barry Cryer:

A friend of mine went on Stars on Their Eyes, said "Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be The Great Glen Miller", disappeared into the cloud, and was never seen again!"

joeguevara

I saw a bloke with only one arm and one leg getting hanged today. My first response was to shout out letters.

tayto lover

joeguevara wrote: »

I saw a bloke with only one arm and one leg getting hanged today. My first response was to shout out letters.

In some parts of the world they cant hang a man with a wooden leg.



They have to use a rope.

BENDYBINN

tayto lover wrote: »

In some parts of the world they cant hang a man with a wooden leg.



They have to use a rope.

In some parts of the world you need a license to go on the internet....

Bob Harris

A recent study has shown that married life is in the top four states, bettered only by being single, widowed and death.

milltown

Whenever I see somebody with no chin, my first thought is:

How do they put on pillowcases?

M.T. Cranium

I used to have a fear of vowels, it's known as vwlphb.

upupup

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

I used to have a fear of vowels, it's known as vwlphb.

sffr frm tht t .

M.T. Cranium

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

I used to have a fear of vowels, it's known as vwlphb.

Considering, "Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia" is the fear of long words, I'd say "Aeiouoia" would be more accurate :pac:

Capt'n Midnight

Deleted User wrote: »

Considering, "Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia" is the fear of long words, I'd say "Aeiouoia" would be more accurate :pac:

shouldn't that be "Euoia" or "Ueoia"

New Home

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

shouldn't that be "Euoia" or "Ueoia"

Yes, but in French (the former) and Portuguese (the latter).

byrner88

Just back from a pub quiz tonight and one of the questions was: What have Nicole Kidman, Kylie Minogue and Julia Roberts got in common?

Apparently, women who I've masturbated to was not the answer.

byrner88

A guy is on hill 16 during a Dublin match. He looks across and see an old man watching the game with a dog sitting at his feet. Dublin score a point. The dogs jumps up and runs in a circle around the old man's feet. 2 minutes later dublin score a goal. The dog jumps up and does 3 circles around the old man's feet. The match ends and Dublin win. The dog goes nuts jumping everywhere. The guy goes up to the old man and says "your dog is amazing. He must really love Dublin....but what does he do when Dublin lose" the old man looked up and says " no idea. I've only had him 4 years".

joeguevara

Was chatting to a guy with a stutter this evening and he was telling me about visiting his nana...half way through the story the whole pub was singing Hey Jude.

Purple Mountain

With GDPR, doctor's receptionists are no longer allowed to call patients by their names in the waiting room.
So instead, you'll hear the likes of 'would the woman with the vaginal rash, go to room 1 now please?'

byrner88

I just checked the inbox of my email account to find it full of the usual offers of penis extensions, viagra, hair loss remedies and how to lose weight quickly. I wouldn't mind, but they were all from my wife.

tayto lover

Saw two blind lads fighting on the street the other night.
I just shouted “ my money’s on the one with the knife”.
You should have seen how fast both of them ran.

New Home

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

waynescales1

Man: "My wife has gone off to the Caribbean."

Other man: "Jamaica?"

Man: "No, she went of her own accord".

byrner88

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor...
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie’s pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess..”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie ?”
Debbie says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man, I’m still a virgin!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out into orbit. About five minutes pass and finally, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there’s no way I’m going to miss it this time . !!

byrner88

A scouser goes onto Dragons Den and shows them an old shotgun & gamekeepers pouch.

Peter Jones says " and what's your idea?"

The scouser replies : It's a simple concept Peter, Just put the money in the bag "

tayto lover

byrner88 wrote: »

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor...
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie’s pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess..”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie ?”
Debbie says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man, I’m still a virgin!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out into orbit. About five minutes pass and finally, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there’s no way I’m going to miss it this time . !!

I thought it was going to end “ and they’ll not find a virgin around these parts either”.

ohnonotgmail

something reminded me of a joke i first heard over 25 years ago. maybe some of the young ones have not heard it.

Pierre, a famous French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.

"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.

"My name is Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!

byrner88

I told my daughter "It's always been my dream to walk you down the aisle. "

She said "Dad we're grocery shopping."

byrner88

Keith and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that
she'll try being a Call girl.She's not quite sure what to do, so Keith says,
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred
Quid. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a
guy pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, "A hundred Quid." He replies,
"All I got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks. "What now. What can he
get for thirty?"

"A hand job," Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for
thirty Quid is a hand job.

He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this
huge willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right
back." She runs back to Keith.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy Quid?"

byrner88

A friend just told me that my daughter and wife look like twins.

I said "Well they were separated at birth."

Capt'n Midnight

I was walking down the street and I found a cricket ball. As I carried on I found another cricket ball. As I walked on I came upon a cricket crying its eyes out.

dilallio

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

byrner88

"Paddy sit down, I have something to tell you. I'm pregnant and it's not yours."

"Of course it's not mine silly, I'm not the one who's pregnant."

byrner88

When I lost the fingers of my right hand in an accident.
I asked the doctor if I'd still be able to write with it.
"Possibly!" He replied. "But I wouldn't count on it!"