The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Buford T. Justice XIX

https://twitter.com/joannathemad89/status/1229970139279310848?s=19

byrner88

I walked up to a group of blokes and said "ok, which one of you thinks you're ****ing hard enough? "

Shortly after that, i lost my job at the Erectile dysfunction clinic.

TheChevron

So many people these days are just too judgemental... I can tell just by looking at them.

joeguevara

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet – you can hide, but you can’t run.

joeguevara

Bought a new thesaurus today. It’s nothing to write house about.

Titclamp

How do you get a fat bird into bed?

Piece of cake.

RobMc59

**Man shot 200 times with upholstery gun***
Gardai say he's now fully recovered...

Mr Tibbs

I was doing up my trousers but got distracted singing along to Disney songs

And now I've zipped me doo-dah

Suckit

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

I was doing up my trousers but got distracted singing along to Disney songs

And now I've zipped me doo-dah

My oh my must be harrowing pain

milltown

byrner88 wrote: »

I walked up to a group of blokes and said "ok, which one of you thinks you're ****ing hard enough? "

Shortly after that, i lost my job at the Erectile dysfunction clinic.

Funnily enough, I got fired from the sperm clinic 'cos every time a client walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy".

cj maxx

An ambulance was called to a lunatic asylum.
Just as they loaded the patient, about 30 lunatics burst through the asylum doors charging towards the ambulance screaming wah and waving their arms.
The crew get in and lock the doors driving off at 10mph
Still 20 lunatics chase them shouting waah! and waving their arms and catching up to the ambulance.
So they speed up to 20mph.
Still about 10 chase them shouting waah! and waving their arms.
So they speed up to 30mph and still one lunatic is screaming, wah.
The drivers say **** this it's 2against 1 so they stop the ambulance.
What is your ****ing problem man? say the drivers.
The panting lunatic goes
I want, I want, I want an ice cream

Titclamp

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?


Pick him up and suck his dick.

patmac

Titclamp wrote: »

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?


Pick him up and suck his dick.

Was your tit clamped when you made this joke up?

Titclamp

patmac wrote: »

Was your tit clamped when you made this joke up?

No I was humping a dog

Bob Harris

Titclamp wrote: »

No I was humping a dog

Well based on your joke that's a lot better than your dog humping you.

byrner88

No matter what anyone says about my wife, she's always there in times of trouble.

Usually screaming 'You caused this, you c*nt!

RobMc59

**The man who invented hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has died.**

R.I.P. Scott Chegg..

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon . One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

Last month, I sent my hearing aid off to be repaired.


I've heard nothing since!

coolhull

On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.
Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, “Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?”
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"
This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Capt'n Midnight

Is it just me or are there other personal pronouns?

branie2

Why did the taxi driver quit his job?

He was fed up with people talking behind his back

Capt'n Midnight

People are usually shocked when they find out I am not a real electrician.

Capt'n Midnight

The word on the street is Graffiti

The Princess Bride

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I might be a typo."

The Princess Bride

Everyone in the John Lennon Airport has been quarantined.
Imagine all the people.

blade1

byrner88

My wife said she was leaving me because I never stick up for myself.

I was so mad, I almost said something.

Titclamp

Ooh, my little Wuhan one, viral one
Coming to congest my lungs, ay Corona
Zoo-o-notic transmission …where’s it from?
Bats or civet cats who knows why, Corona?

When’s it gonna stop, fever cough, wash your dirty hands
Why’d I ever stop in Hubei for vacation, man? Why Why Why Why AHHH CHOOO
M-m-m-my Corona

Don’t you come no closer, huh, no closer bruh
Unless you got an N95, Corona
Got a travel history, I’m quarantined
Should’ve just quit touching my eyes, Corona

Never getting off, stuck onboard such a dirty boat
But why you hoarding masks when you live in Alaska tho?
Why ey ey ey ey NO

M m m my Corona
M m m my Corona

When’s it gonna get to me, get to me
You killed the doc that called you out, why Corona?
Internet conspiracy, COVID-19
Is it just a pack of communist lies, Corona?

Never gonna stop, media, such a dirty game
Cuz no one gets the shot for the flu
but it’s just as lame
Why Why Why Why A Choo coughing

Wheooo

fryup

previous joke..is a take on This Song ?

byrner88

My wife came home to find me in the kitchen cooking a lovely dinner, candlelit table and place settings for two. "Oh this is a surprise," she said.

"Too ****ing right it is," I replied, "I didn't expect you back till Monday."

Emmersonn

fryup wrote: »

previous joke..is a take on This Song ?

And now the sequel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDc_6KRaX6Q

GBX

So I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant “What gets rid of coronavirus?”

She said "Ammonia cleaner."

I said "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here...”

Sheridan81

Eric Bristow came up to me and said: "Why the hell did you put glue on my darts?"

I said: "You just can't let it go can you?"


-Tim Vine

Mehaffey1

Did I tell you about the time I walked in on an elk making rice krispie buns? Sorry, I was mistaken, it was a chocolate moose.

Capt'n Midnight

The companies who make sanitising gel must be rubbing their hands together.

Capt'n Midnight

When we went on holiday to Ethiopia, we couldn't believe it when we saw these Mursi women with enormous plates in their lips.

I asked one of them, "Doesn't that hurt or make eating difficult ?"

She replied, "Shmsh thids rusgh grffshugguh midgh drufss thif... "

The Princess Bride

I have decided to move to Germany, I hear the children are kinder there.

coldfire1x

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex...

My friend was wearing one and his girlfriends husband still caught them in bed together!

Just met an Australian Network engineer,
He's from a LAN down under!

M.T. Cranium

I walked out of the comedy club when the guy on the stage told jokes about Monday, Thursday and then Saturday.

He had a week sense of humour.

Bob Harris

Up to a few weeks ago I had to cough to disguise my farts, now I have to fart to disguise my cough!

byrner88

I got a job in a factory making chess pieces.

This week I'm on knights.

byrner88

My wife bought a checked table cover.

It now takes 5 moves to pass the salt.

Not really a joke, but real life experience,

yes there really are people like this in the world.

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

LaFuton

titanic hates lettuce

LaFuton

LaFuton wrote: »

titanic hates lettuce

Thepillowman

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Not really a joke, but real life experience,

yes there really are people like this in the world.

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

The McDonald's one reminds me of my sister who moved to Oxford. In the early ninety rushing from one meeting to another she went to McDonald's ordered food to take away. Paid with a twenty pound note while waiting she counted her change, when order came she told the girl gave her the wrong change. Girl gets very uppity and says no I didn't. Sister didn't like her attitude so asked to see Manager who backs up employee vehemently. My sister said ok picked up food and said I just wanted to say she gave me back £4.50 too much, bye.

joeguevara

Deleted User wrote: »

Not really a joke, but real life experience,

yes there really are people like this in the world.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the r

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....


They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

I convinced my friend last week that the little bumps on the steering wheel were to let blind people know the correct hand position on the steering wheel. Fell for it hook line and sinker.

byrner88

An American is visiting the Natural History Museum in Dublin and he sees a dinosaur skeleton.

He turns to the guide sitting in the corner and asks him, "Excuse me, can you tell me how old that dinosaur skeleton is?" And the guide answers, "Dat skeleton of de dinosaur dere is 65 million years old and six months!"

"Wow!" says the American, "but please tell me how you can measure its age so accurately!"

"Well, "says the guide, "when I started working here it was 65 million years old - and I've been here since September!"