The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Emmersonn

Deja Boo wrote: »

Has anyone let the Amish know what's going on?

No one has a phone number for them.

RobMc59

"My dad once bought a car off the Krays".

"What reg"?

"No,it was Ronnie".

Deja Boo

In case you've lost track of days, today is March 87th.

The Princess Bride

I for one, like Roman numerals.

el_gaucho

A Roman walks into a bar, makes a peace sign and says “I’ll have five pints “.

Oscar1978

Jesus and the disciples walk into a bar. Jesus orders 13 glasses of water and then looks back at the disciples with a smirk and winks at them.

The Princess Bride

I took the shell off my pet snail, hoping it would make him move faster.
But if anything, it makes him more sluggish.

blinding

Years ago I gave the Clap to a load of health workers and that was not Ok !

Now everyone is doing it, to a round of applause ! !

RobMc59

**BREAKING NEWS ***

Singer Marty Pellow diagnosed with arthritis .

He told our reporters :
"I feel it in my fingers,I feel it in my toes".

The Princess Bride

Batman came up to me and whacked me on the head with a saucer, and shouted, "T'PAU!"

"Don't you mean, KAPOW?" I asked.

"No, I have China in my hand."

New Home

I've ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

The Princess Bride

The other day, I saw a man playing Waterloo on a didgeridoo.
I thought to myself, that's ABBAriginal.

Capt'n Midnight

Jose Mourinho in trouble at Tottenham after organising training sessions with stars in a park.


A spokesman for Spurs said in a statement this is very embarrassing for the club as the local youths won 4-0.

Losty Dublin

How do you know that aussie girls like oral?

Cos they all cum from down under

TheChevron

I recently won an award for worst dental hygiene.

I have the plaque to prove it.

New Home

The other day I was stopped at a checkpoint. The Garda said, "Papers." I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

Edgware

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Jose Mourinho in trouble at Tottenham after organising training sessions with stars in a park.


A spokesman for Spurs said in a statement this is very embarrassing for the club as the local youths won 4-0.

"Far cry from small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts" Ron Manager

blinding

New Home wrote: »

The other day I was stopped at a checkpoint. The Garda said, "Papers." I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

Did he throw a Rock after You ?

YFlyer

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Jose Mourinho in trouble at Tottenham after organising training sessions with stars in a park.


A spokesman for Spurs said in a statement this is very embarrassing for the club as the local youths won 4-0.

Ndombele be lean post Corona.

The Princess Bride

I've just been chatting with the person who invented crosswords, they're very nice.
I can't remember their name though.
P something T something R?

chewed

Did you hear that Bill Withers has died?

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know

Tom Mann Centuria

My wife said if you’re bored stuck at home, why not make a bird table and now she’s not talking to me because I’ve put her in 7th place.

byrner88

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy??

Add spring water!

tayto lover

The Princess Bride wrote: »

I've just been chatting with the person who invented crosswords, they're very nice.
I can't remember their name though.
P something T something R?

He’s an imposter though.
I know where the real crossword inventor is buried.

6 down and 4 across.

Capt'n Midnight

The Sun newspaper is experiencing a downturn in circulation. It costs less than a cup of coffee. So, please give journalism a much needed boost every day.

Buy that coffee.

byrner88

I held the door open for a beautiful blonde in the pub last night.
My wife said "you've never held the door open for me"

I said "what about the time you threatened to leave."

Capt'n Midnight

Well done Mr Johnson for the genuine words of respect shown for the nurse from New Zealand, and the nurse from Portugal who helped to save your life in your recent COVID-19 infection.

A spokesman for the RCN quoted,"These young nurses shown a high degree of professionalism and empathy, especially as they both broke down in tears when their names were drawn out of the hat. "

kildare lad

I'm fat but I identify as skinny

I'm trans-slender

Emmersonn

A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.
She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asks.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in- law explains.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaims.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law answers.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and can't get enough of me!"

The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.

When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"This is my love dress," she whispers sensually.
"Needs ironing," he says. "What's for dinner?
..........

He never heard the gunshot.

fr336

Man: “I’m looking for a book about coping with having a tiny penis but I don’t know the title”

Librarian: “I’m not sure it’s in yet”

Man: “Yes, that’s the one”

byrner88

One of my mates is a pilot for Aer Lingus but because of this lockdown he's off work, so l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating and he jumped at the chance....

I’ve gotta say, he made a lovely job of the landing!

Nodster

You heard of the Gynecologist who took up DIY?


...he wallpapered his hall, stairs and landing through the letterbox

Ken.

Nodster wrote: »

You heard of the Gynecologist who took up DIY?


...he wallpapered his hall, stairs and landing through the letterbox

Or the gyno that became an apprentice mechanic. First test is to take apart and put back together an engine.

They get their result back and his result is 150%.

He asks the trainer and the trainer says you got 50% for taking it apart, 50% for putting it back together perfectly

and an extra 50% for doing it all through the exhaust pipe.

byrner88

A man went to get the results of his illness from the doctor..
"I'm afraid you have Yellow 42 - a disease so rare it doesn't even have a proper name.
Bad news is.. you only have six months to live..."
The man goes home and tells his wife.
After the crying, she vows to spend more time together for the final few months together - starting tonight at the bingo hall.
So they both go down to Gala Bingo Hall. In the entrance way he puts a pound in the slot machine.. and wins €200.
He plays bingo and wins every line, corner and full house.
He then plays the national link and wins €20000.
Upon receiving the money the MC says "you must be the luckiest man alive.
You win €200, all the bingo money and £20k national."
The man says "I have Yellow 42"
"F**k me" says the MC, "you've won the raffle as well"

Capt'n Midnight

BREAKING: 99-year-old army veteran Captain Tom Moore has raised more than £20m for the NHS by doing 100 laps of his garden.

Manchester Utd are reportedly eyeing him up as a replacement for Jesse Lingard.

castletownman

When asked what was his favourite holiday, Arnold Schwarzenegger commented: "Have ta love Easter, baby".

byrner88

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened?? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, MY WIFE Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened".

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she never got your email!"

byrner88

A sobbing Mrs Murphy approaches Father O’Grady after mass.

He says: “So what’s bothering you?”

She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

"Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun

I've just learned how to rebuild the brake calipers on my car by watching a youtube video, there's no stopping me now!

Capt'n Midnight

When quarantine is over let's not tell some people.

Capt'n Midnight

Another symptom of Covid-19 is that it makes your hair grow longer.

RobMc59

What's 100 metres long and has got 8 teeth?

The queue outside Aldi in Rhyl...

byrner88

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asks the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.” “I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take It your day of recreation was not relaxing?” “Far from it, “snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster, Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green… and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathised the Mother.

“But I didn’t, Mother Superior!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

“You missed the fuc*ing putt, didn’t you?”

fryup

RobMc59 wrote: »

What's 100 metres long and has got 8 teeth?

The queue outside Aldi in Rhyl...

and where the fuk is Rhyl?

Capt'n Midnight

fryup wrote: »

and where the fuk is Rhyl?

The origin of the name "Rhyl" is not fully known. It appears in old documents variously as Hulle (1292), Hul (1296), Ryhull (1301), Hyll (1506), Hull (1508), [Leidiart] yr Hyll (1597), Rhil (1706), Rhûl (1749), Rhul (1773) Rhyll (1830), and Rhyl (1840).

Hope that clears it up for you.

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^

oh yes, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !

fryup

fryup wrote: »

and where the fuk is Rhyl?

Alice lived there, but then again, "who the fúck is Alice!"

Capt'n Midnight

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

The origin of the name "Rhyl" is not fully known. It appears in old documents variously as Hulle (1292), Hul (1296), Ryhull (1301), Hyll (1506), Hull (1508), [Leidiart] yr Hyll (1597), Rhil (1706), Rhûl (1749), Rhul (1773) Rhyll (1830), and Rhyl (1840).

Hope that clears it up for you.

It's just about 50Km east of llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

blinding

fryup wrote: »

and where the fuk is Rhyl?

I think its a Welsh Joke ! !

Capt'n Midnight

What borders on stupidity?

Canada and Mexico