The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

BorneTobyWilde

blade1

fryup wrote: »

^^^ sick joke, too ashamed to type it out??

It's a joke, no shame required.
Plenty of jokes are copied and pasted on here.

Are u ok?

Deja Boo

Bob Harris wrote: »

Are you Mike Tyson?

...and why is there an S in the word ‘lisp’?!

Deja Boo

Knock, knock.
...Who’s there?
Obama?
...Obama who?

Oh ba ma selllllf

Capt'n Midnight

Deja Boo wrote: »

...and why is there an S in the word ‘lisp’?!

And dyslexic isn't easy to sell.

Mehaffey1

A Russian Commander was marching his large force through Finland in 1939. From behind a bush he hears

"One Fin is better than 10 Russians"

Confident, he sends ten of his best men into the bush. There's the sound of fighting and then silence. Then the same voice

"One Fin is better than a hundred Russians!"

Irritated, the commander sends his next best 100 men into the bushes. A large firefight ensues for a moment then silence. Then the voice again

"One Fin is better than A THOUSAND Russians"

Furious, the commander sends a thousand men. A huge fight begins, grenades explode, machine guns fire, he hears screaming and then a bloodied Russian soldier crawls from the bush. The commander runs to him and holds him in his arms.

With the soldiers dying breath he says.

"Don't send anymore. It's a trap. There's two of them."

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."

castletownman

Sylvester Stallone has launched a new range of scones and I would highly recommend them.

They are the best thing since Sly's bread.

coolhull

The Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....



"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

everlast75

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

byrner88

What's the difference between a Priest having a bath and a woman having a bath?
The Priest has a soul full of hope...
The woman has a ....

M.T. Cranium

concern about the priest in her bath?

blade1

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

concern about the priest in her bath?

He prayed for her shins!

everlast75

The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to drink.

A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?"
"Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies.
"Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"

coolhull

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,

"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

castletownman

I see Neil Diamond is selling some of his prized motors on e-bay.

Sweet Car Online

byrner88

One day St. Peter had the day off and St. Patrick was left in charge of the pearly gates of Heaven. After a short while an Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are stopped at the gates by St. Patrick, who says, “Sorry, it’s crowded up here, you each need to answer a question correctly, or else you can’t enter Heaven. St. Patrick looks at the Irishman and asks "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg on its maiden voyage?" “Oh, that’s easy,” the Irishman replies, “the Titanic.” So St. Patrick welcomes him into Heaven. Next he asks the Scott, “How many people died on that ship?” “Oooh, that’s tough, but I saw the movie, and I think that it was 1,500.” St. Patrick steps aside and the Scott walks into Heaven. Finally, St. Patrick turns to the Englishman and says, “Name them.”

byrner88

My dog ate his roll of poop bags.

He's been picking up his own sh*t for a week now.

MrCostington

Saw an article about procrastination on the BBC site.

I'll read it later.





True story https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200121-why-procrastination-is-about-managing-emotions-not-time

Deja Boo

I wasn't able to make reservations at the library.


They're completely booked.

Edgware

3 old lads discussing what they hate about getting old.
1st Lad. I hate that I have a piss every morning at 6.00. Its so early
2nd Lad I hate that I have a **** every morning at 7.00. Its so early

3rd Lad. I hate that I have a **** every morning at 8.00 and a piss every morning at 8.30.

"8.00 and 8.30." say the other two lads " whats wrong with that?"

3rd Lad. I hate that every morning I dont wake until 9.00

coolhull

Young 13 year old Seamus has been invited to Rome by his aunt and uncle for a holiday. The Pope is also returning to Rome after a visit to Ireland. Half way through the flight all the engines fail. The pilot announces that the plane is going to crash, and the plane and everyone on it will perish.
"There's only 2 parachutes" announces the pilot,
" and I'm sorry, but I'm having one, and the other is to be give to the 13 year old child." The pilot puts on his parachute and jumps out of the plane.
"Do you know who I am?" says the Pope to the boy. "Yes Holy Father," says Seamus.
"Then give me your parachute and you'll go straight to heaven" says the Pope.
"Ok" says Seamus, "here you are."
The pope puts on the parachute, and as he's jumping from the plane, shouts to Seamus, " St Peter will be waiting to welcome you into heaven."
Seamus runs to the door and shouts after him.
"No, he'll be waiting for you, you've just jumped out of the plane with my schoolbag on your back"...

everlast75

EMPLOYEE NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off

byrner88

I was chatting to this very attractive woman at Kielys Bar & Lounge Old Thomond Gate in Limerick, she told me her name was Tina and that she was a sergeant in the local police force, after a couple of drinks Tina asked me if I would like to come back to her place to listen to her collection of CDs, after a couple of hours listening to some great music I fell asleep, the next morning when I awoke she was busy in the kitchen doing me eggs, bacon, sausages and beans, I don’t usually eat a cooked breakfast,

so I called out to her, “Don’t fry for me sergeant Tina”.

byrner88

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

byrner88

In the pub earlier a woman accused me of only being after one thing....

I said "I assure you I'm not, I'm hoping to get my ironing done too"....

Capt'n Midnight

I've just beat up a guy who wouldn't stay two meters away from me.


Had to give his guide dog a kick as well.

Capt'n Midnight

Better out than in my old grandad used to say.



Great guy, terrible Tennis coach.

M.T. Cranium

Everything's bigger in Texas, you have to stay two miles away from everybody at the store.

---

I found myself at the Pessimists' Club, somebody was telling me, "you don't even get one chance to make a first impression."

byrner88

I went to a cafe this morning and I regret ordering the All-Day-Breakfast.

Almost 8 hours it took me to finish it.

joeguevara

byrner88 wrote: »

I went to a cafe this morning and I regret ordering the All-Day-Breakfast.

Almost 8 hours it took me to finish it.

Reminds me of the time I was in London for my friends stag and we went into a cafe. Split ourselves laughing when I pointed out the sign ‘All Day Breakfast - Finished at 3’.

frag420

byrner88 wrote: »

I went to a cafe this morning and I regret ordering the All-Day-Breakfast.

Almost 8 hours it took me to finish it.

joeguevara wrote: »

Reminds me of the time I was in London for my friends stag and we went into a cafe. Split ourselves laughing when I pointed out the sign ‘All Day Breakfast - Finished at 3’.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.

So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance:D:pac:

(Comedian Steve Wright)

the beer revolu

Two atoms walking down the road.
First atom - I've lost an electron!
Second atom - Are you sure?
First atom - I'm positive!

Capt'n Midnight

Where do Russian muslims pray?

Mosque o.

Capt'n Midnight

I have been watching repeats of Only Fools And Horses on that UK channel - Rodney

Deja Boo

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?
Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think Never really noticed.

OFFICER : Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

OFFICER : What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch,sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting. * At this point the husband started choking up. *

OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck

M.T. Cranium

Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven and were seeking admission. God Himself decided to hear their appeal from His judgement seat.

The St Bernard said "I was a valued rescue dog and helped find those nuns after the avalanche."

"Fine then, you're in," said God.

The collie said, "I was always faithful to my master and brought the family together when they were down."

"Sounds wonderful," said God. "Welcome."

Then it was the cat's turn. "Why should we let you in?" asked God.

"Well actually, I think you're in my chair."

byrner88

I once lived a stone’s throw away from a family that all died of mysterious head injuries!

coolhull

How


I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?' Again, they all answered 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.

Capt'n Midnight

My wife said, "Why don't you get me flowers anymore?"

I said, "Because there hasn't been a fatal car crash round here for ages."

Capt'n Midnight

Well back to a normal Monday morning tomorrow. Up, wash shave breakfast, ring in sick........

Capt'n Midnight

The wife said I do the worst impression of a beer can being opened.

Pfft :rolleyes:

byrner88

My wife told me she was leaving me because I was too clingy.

"Ok," I said, "I'll come with you."

coolhull

Dave Allen joke: A nun is standing outside a pub in Ireland... Paddy walks up to the door and is about to go in, when the nun says to him, "BEFORE YOU ENTER THIS DEN OF INIQUITY, THINK OF YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR FATHER!" Paddy replies, "They're dead, they're dead and in heaven" The nun now tries a different approach and says. "Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain!" "What?” says Paddy, “What are you talking about? Have you ever had a drink?" And the nun says she hasn’t. "Well how can you stand there and talk about the damage the alcohol is going to do to my brain if you have never tried it? I’ll tell you what; I'll go in there, buy you a drink, bring it out here, you can try it and if you don't like it, THEN you can criticise it. But don't talk about things you've never experienced. What will you have?" And the nun says, "I don't know, what do ladies drink?" "Gin," says Paddy, and the nun replies, "Alright, I'll have a gin. But get it in a cup so that everybody will think I’m drinking water." Paddy goes into the bar and says to the barman, "I’ll have a pint of Guinness please and – I know it sounds a bit strange – but could I have a double gin in a cup? And the barman replies, "Ah for Christ's sake, is that bloody nun out there again!!?"

enfield

Absolutely disgusting behaviour down in our local park earlier today. I was on the path and saw a bloke and some woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the bloke in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and had to take his truncheon to the bloke who promptly snatched it off him and began assaulting the copper and the woman with the truncheon! Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages!

TheBody

I’m just on my way out to fix Cat Stevens’ caravan.

Awning has broken.

everlast75

If Jon Bon Jovi married Bonnie Tyler, Bon Iver, Bono, and Simon Le Bon, his name would become Jon Bonnie Bono Le Bon Bon Bon Jovi...

castletownman

Started a netflix documentary last night about a Chinese couple that had tickets from that Malaysian Air plane that went missing but didn't board the plane. Explores various conspiracy theories surrounding the mystery, and it's one of the best shows I have seen in a while.

It's called "Two Wongs Don't Make a Flight".

everlast75

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the ****in darts team hadn't!

The Clyde Tunnels have been closed and why the speed limit has been reduced:

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the Clyde tunnel approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Coronavirus. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry".