The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

coolhull

A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. " Not yet, " said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ?
and why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, " You gonna tell him or should I ? "

Capt'n Midnight

A company has produced soft furnishings with the Angel of Death pictured on them.

There's bound to be Reaper Cushions.

TheBody

I asked the librarian where the books on engine lubricants are. She said they are in the non-friction section.

TheBody

Neil Diamonds old Volvo is for sale on eBay.

It's a Swede car online.

Capt'n Midnight

It's outrageous Chuchills monument has been boarded up.

Vandalising it should be a statue tory right.

M.T. Cranium

Hitler could have had the internet, but he told his scientists it was a reich waste of time.

Capt'n Midnight

Sick of my wife being fat, I gave her a month to get a fitter body, less than 10 stone and no flab.

And she did it.




He was a heating engineer, and she's framed me for the murder

RobertFoster

How do you get four elephants in a Mini?
—Two in the front, two in the back.

How do you get four giraffes in a Mini?
—Take the elephants out first.

How do you get two whales in a Mini?
—Take the ferry to Holyhead.

joeguevara

'High Street clothing store Monsoon enters administration.'

I thought they might have been able to weather the storm.

castletownman

Years ago, I auditioned for a role as an extra in Goodfellas. However, apparently they gave the part to one of the lead actors children.

I would have got it too if it wasn't for those Pesci kids.

byrner88

The wife next door was flashing me from her upstairs bedroom .

How she got her car in there I'll never know.

auspicious

People call me a hypochondriac. Which really hurts.

auspicious

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that.

auspicious

People say I'm a plagiarist.
Their word not mine.

auspicious

I used to sell loose onions until I got the sack.

TheBody

I've just spotted Jimmy White in our local garden centre.

He's looking at a plant.

TheBody

TheBody wrote: »

I've just spotted Jimmy White in our local garden centre.

He's looking at a plant.

he'll be lucky to get a pot from there

joeguevara

My grief counsellor died the other day. He was so good, I didn’t give a sh1t.

blade1

TheBody wrote: »

I've just spotted Jimmy White in our local garden centre.

He's looking at a plant.

Deleted User wrote: »

he'll be lucky to get a pot from there

Cue the puns.

Bob Harris

blade1 wrote: »

Cue the puns.

Give it a rest lads.

Well that's snookered it!

Emmersonn

Ye are nothing but comedians hoping for a big break

fryup

one snooker joke cannoned five, impressive

Bob Harris

fryup wrote: »

one snooker joke cannoned five, impressive

They're racking up alright.

joeguevara

Bob Harris wrote: »

They're racking up alright.

If you want to see if there is anymore, tune in after the break.

blade1

fryup wrote: »

one snooker joke cannoned five, impressive

Let's go for 147

everlast75

I somehow knew it was a bad idea to start with the snooker pun.

I just felt it.

dennyire

I am sure you have another pun or 2 in your pocket

Emmersonn

you have to be in the right frame of mind to continue this run

Buford T. Justice XIX

dennyire wrote: »

I am sure you have another pun or 2 in your pocket

You can chalk that down!

joeguevara

Just heard that on the way to the garden centre jimmy white crashed on the motorway in suspicious circumstances. He’s been put under a rest and motorists are going nuts as the cues tailback for miles.

Well potted!

blade1

Well I think ye all are just baized!

blade1

All these snooker puns are giving me the shîts.
I justed farted there and followed through!

blade1

blade1 wrote: »

All these snooker puns are giving me the shîts.
I justed farted there and followed through!

You potted the brown so!

Steve Davis had just won another world championship at the Crucible and wanted to celebrate, so he decided to get a call girl.

She turns up and he tells her to strip and bend over the snooker table!
She does so and waits,

and waits,

and waits

eventually she turns around to see what's happening

Steve says, " I can't decide"
"what" she says

"Pink or Brown!"

FrancieBrady

Deleted User wrote: »

You potted the brown so!

or knocked the brown out of the pocket, so to speak.

blade1

Deleted User wrote: »

You potted the brown so!

I potted a red about 6 weeks ago.
Had to go into hospital over it :pac:

Emmersonn

blade1 wrote: »

I potted a red about 6 weeks ago.
Had to go into hospital over it :pac:

And the rest is history

the run here demonstrates the talent pool

joeguevara

Lads, stop with the snooker puns. BLM might get annoyed and want to ban snooker. After all the white controls the balls of colour and you get points for putting them in a hole.

blade1

joeguevara wrote: »

Lads, stop with the snooker puns. BLM might get annoyed and want to ban snooker. After all the white controls the balls of colour and you get points for putting them in a hole.

Yeah but why is the black balls :eek: worth more than the others?

New Home

If the mods get in here, we're snookered.

joeguevara

New Home wrote: »

If the mods get in here, we're snookered.

Baized on what? If that’s the case I might give it a rest, take a break and know it’s my cue to leave. Who do they think they are, Billy ‘ard boys. Might take a dip in the pool to cool off.

Ted_YNWA

Whoever breaks this chain, we will frame them for a crime of our chosing.

New Home

Ted, can we start a pool on who's going to be the first to get banned?

joeguevara

New Home wrote: »

Ted, can we start a pool on who's going to be the first to get banned?

If I got banned I’d be blue but I’m not scared, no ones going to call me yellow.

New Home

You won't be the first to break, I'm sure.

joeguevara

I reckon we should chill out. Forget about the pot, it’s all about the green.

Bob Harris

blade1 wrote: »

Let's go for 147

147 snooker jokes? I'm baulking at the idea.