The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

dilallio

An Irish couple were returning home from holidays in Africa where they had done a few Safari's, and decided to each bring back a rare African animal as a souvenir of their trip.
Mick was carrying back a rare African snake, and Mary had a rare African skunk.
As their aircraft was approaching Dublin Airport, the cabin manager announces on the intercom:
"Ladies & Gentlemen, as we are now approaching Dublin Airport, please ensure that your tray tops are folded, your seatbacks are in the upright position, and your seat-belts are securely fastened. If you have been in contact with any foreign plants or animals, please report to the Dept. of Agriculture desk in the arrivals hall"
Well poor Mick & Mary went into a mad panic altogether, thinking that their rare souvenirs would be confiscated, when suddenly, Mick had a brilliant idea.
"Mary" he says. "I'm going to put the snake around my waist and pretend that it's a rare African ornamental belt if I'm stopped".
"That's fine for you" says Mary. "But what am I going to do with this skunk?"
"Sure why don't you shove it down the front of your knickers" says Paddy.
Mary responds "But what about the smell?"
"Feck it" says Mick "If he dies, he dies"

TheBody

I've decided to marry a pencil.

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

Loafing Oaf

7 Seconds...

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

7 Seconds...

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public or take an exam.

7 Seconds...

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Can I come too... wrote: »

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public or take an exam.

Can I come too... wrote: »

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

Both these are from a wedding speech I heard last year.

7 Seconds...

Thaddeus Shaggy Satin wrote: »

Both these are from a wedding speech I heard last year.

So, what's wrong with that?

Thaddeus Shaggy Satin

Thaddeus Shaggy Satin wrote: »

Both these are from a wedding speech I heard last year.

Maybe "can i come too" went too to the same wedding. :P

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Can I come too... wrote: »

So, what's wrong with that?

Jeez, did I say anything was wrong? Relax!

frag420

Can I come too... wrote: »

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

Unless you're an infertile orphan...

thesandeman

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Maybe "can i come too" went too to the same wedding. :P

But was he invited?

coolhull

Tonight, there was steam coming from the kitchen.
When I checked, I saw that it was one of my spare socks boiling away merrily in a saucepan on the cooker.
I asked my girlfriend,
"What's going on?"
My girlfriend (who is a bit hard of hearing) said.....







"Don't you remember?This morning , you asked me if I'd cook your sock tonight".

TheBody

I was fired from the keyboard factory today. I wasn't putting in enough shifts

patmac

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

chewed

Q. What type of bee is never understood?

A. A Mumble Bee!

mad m

A clown who was sacked by a circus for being late has brought a funfair dismissal case against them:pac:

Suckit

An American guy goes to Belfast and the taxi driver at the airport asks him his religion. The passenger says he's Jewish, and the cab driver says, oh I understand. A minute of silence passes and the driver asks, so are you a Protestant Jew or a Catholic Jew?

Lon.C

What's the first thing Neil Armstrong said when he set foot on the moon?????
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.







.
There's no fookin' way a cow jumped over this!!!!!

Larry Bee

Lon.C wrote: »

What's the first thing Neil Armstrong said when he set foot on the moon?????

There's no fookin' way a cow jumped over this!!!!!

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind” statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors’ bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “Oral sex? Oral sex you want? I'll put that thing in my mouth when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”

“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.

“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.

“What did he say?” asked the man.

He said, “Funny you should come to me...”

Capt'n Midnight

The urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is only a whim away.

Thespacebarisbrokenonmykeyboardagain!

Loafing Oaf

How do agnostic, dyslexic insomniacs spend their nights?

Lying awake wondering if there's a dog.

branie2

Was it a Catholic dog or a Protestant dog?

MonkieSocks

chewed wrote: »

Q. What type of bee is never understood?

A. A Mumble Bee!

Q. What type of Bee must never be Trusted?







A. A KGB

TheBody

Jonathan Ross was arrested this morning for stealing kitchen utensils.

He said it was a whisk worth taking.

coolhull

In Turkey, on holiday, I came across one of those Turkish bath houses.
They shave with a solid steel stoneground razor,
below the neckline,
inside the ears,
snipped out nose hairs,
waxed off chest hairs
AND
plucked all the hairs out of the ass crack finishing off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub
Honestly,
the wife's never looked so good!!!

MonkieSocks

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Q. What type of Bee must never be Trusted?







A. A KGB

Cagey Bees aren't that trustworthy either :P

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call an Kerry Rastafarian?

Eamon.

dilallio

chewed wrote: »

Q. What type of bee is never understood?

A. A Mumble Bee!

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Q. What type of Bee must never be Trusted?







A. A KGB

What type of Bees have the most milk?









BOOBIES!

valoren

The next time you enter a restaurant, choose a random stranger of your preference.
When you catch their eye, maintain eye contact for a while, look away, and act like nothing happened.
After a while, do so again, this time keeping contact for a longer period.
The stranger will most likely start paying more attention to you, but act normally.
Keep this up for a while, before walking up to them.
Greet, and ask them to close their eyes and picture a playing card.





Now, when they are doing this, eat as much of their food as you can and run away.

:pac:

MonkieSocks

valoren wrote: »

The next time you enter a restaurant, choose a random stranger of your preference.
When you catch their eye, maintain eye contact for a while, look away, and act like nothing happened.
After a while, do so again, this time keeping contact for a longer period.
The stranger will most likely start paying more attention to you, but act normally.
Keep this up for a while, before walking up to them.
Greet, and ask them to close their eyes and picture a playing card.





Now, when they are doing this, eat as much of their food as you can and run away.

:pac:

:rolleyes: I'm not falling for that one again.


________________________________________


Overheard in a Monastery Kitchen:

Visitor - "Are You a Fish Friar?"

Reply - "No, I'm a Chip Monk."

Hagar7

Id love to tell everyone about my coconut joke,sadly i cant.

TheBody

Seriously pissed pissed off. Every morning a huge German Shepherd ****s on my front lawn.

To make matters worse, today he brought his dog.

Loafing Oaf

Loafing Oaf wrote: »

How do agnostic, dyslexic insomniacs spend their nights?

Lying awake wondering if there's a dog.

How did this brilliant gag only pick up two likes?:mad:

Maybe this one will be more up ye're alley, as it were:

Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your whole week.

Capt'n Midnight

The view from England


"So the fifth round of brexit negotiations get underway in Brussels this week.

If past form is anything to go by, we should reach the semi-finals then get knocked out on penalties."

Capt'n Midnight

How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change the bulb and five others to provide suppressing fire.

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call a bear with no ears?


B

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Loafing Oaf wrote: »

How did this brilliant gag only pick up two likes?:mad:
.

Perhaps because it was posted at least three times on the previous thread.

byrner88

I went to A & E yesterday and said to the nurse "I've been stung by a wasp. Have you got anything for it?"

She said "whereabouts is it?"

I said "I don't know. It'll be ****ing miles away by now"

Capt'n Midnight

Q: What goes zzub, zzub?

A: A bee flying backwards!

Capt'n Midnight

I got home last night and said to the Mrs, "I can't believe it, I've just seen the Crystal Palace team playing football with a hedgehog".

"Sick bastards", she replied.

"It's OK", I said, "the hedgehog was 4-0 up".

GBX

Finally Ireland gets ravaged by an Ophelia that doesn’t begin with ped

Loafing Oaf

GBX wrote: »

Finally Ireland gets ravaged by an Ophelia that doesn’t begin with ped

Best paedophilia pun since this one:D:

snowflaker

A man goes to a zoo and is disappointed to find it has only one animal -- a dog.

It's a Shih Tzu.

One day, at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."


"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi. Just give it a urine

sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
It.It takes ten seconds and costs five quid. A lot quicker and cheaper than a
doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Aldi.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:


"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy

activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at
Aldi"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a rum sample from himself for good
measure.

Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits
five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. And If you don't stop bluffing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.


Thank you for shopping at Aldi.

Capt'n Midnight

A South African friend of mine said that he got me a kindle for my birthday.

I was very excited until he told me he got a matching Barbie as well.

Capt'n Midnight

My girlfriend just admitted that she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.




















It might seem judgemental, but I’ve only known her since she was Christine.

Capt'n Midnight

I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.