The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

Polish Countdown:

"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."

Suckit

^^^^^

I spent far too long looking at that before realising it's the gameshow..

fryup

i don't get it?

The TV gameshow Countdown, make a word by choosing random letters.
The joke is that Polish has few vowels.

I hired a handyman to do some work for me, I gave him a list and when I got home I found that he had done only items 1,3,5 on the list.

He was an odd job man!

fryup

for the week that's in it....

Paddy lost his eye in an accident and couldn’t afford the price of a glass eye.

So he carved one out of wood. But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house.

Finally, his friend Mick came over and forced him to go out.

“There’s a dance over at the club,” he said.
“So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?”
“All right,” said Paddy, “but if anybody makes fun of my eye I’m leaving.”

He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his courage.

And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.

“She’s worse off than me,” Paddy thought. “The least I can do is ask her to dance.

He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the girl.

Would you care to dance? he asked.

Would I?!” she exclaimed.

“why you hunchback bitch!” Paddy retorted

Capt'n Midnight

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i's

CYCLOPS [​puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn't it

Suckit

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. "I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."

With the rise in covid cases

Germans have taken to putting their towels on hospiteal beds

joeguevara

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Polish Countdown:

"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."

Was watching Rachel reilly on countdown the other night and got aroused. Happy enough with seven letters.

fryup

for the week that's in it....

the usual pair Paddy & Mick are looking through a catalogue

Paddy says:

Begob! would you look at the women in this they're gorgeous and their prices are reasonable to!

Mick agrees with Paddy and says

"Right i’m ordering one right now!"

A few weeks later Paddy says to Mick

"Has your woman showed up yet?"

“No” says Mick

"But it shouldn’t be long now her clothes arrived yesterday"

M.T. Cranium

Deleted User wrote: »

I hired a handyman to do some work for me, I gave him a list and when I got home I found that he had done only items 1,3,5 on the list.

He was an odd job man!

Did you get even yet?

M.T. Cranium

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

Did you get even yet?

Maybe in a couple of days.

everlast75

Michael returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, he went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, he was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Michael, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

'Listen here Michael, I'm not being awkward... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

fryup

for the week that's in it...

our friend Paddy walked into a doctor’s office with two burnt ears.

The doctor asked him

What happened to your ears?

Paddy replied:

"I was ironing and the phone rang so instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and put it to my ear"

Still not satisfied, the doctor asked

Well, what happened to the other ear?

"The feker called again!!"

silliussoddius

Apparently a film was made about constipation, it just hasn't come out yet.

Suckit

A foursome of guys was waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting off from the women's tee.
The ladies were not rushing and definitely were taking their time.
When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it ten feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely. She then whacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it ahead another few feet.
She looked back at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, "I guess all those fuking lessons I took over the winter really didn't help."
One of the men responded, "Well, there you have it. You should probably have taken golf lessons instead!"

RobMc59

My wife asked me which of her friends I'd like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I'm not supposed to pick two of them..

everlast75

My wife just texted me “Lasagne at 6 o’clock” so I immediately looked behind me.

coolhull

Guy walking on a beach in Clifden
(on the far west coast of Ireland) when he kicks a bottle, he bends down and picks it up and brushes some of the dirt off so he could read the label, when suddenly a genie comes out of the bottle, "thank you for releasing me” said the genie “I'll grant you one wish" the guy thinks for a minute and says
"I've always wanted to visit my family in Boston in America but as I'm scared of flying and get Terrible seasickness what's the chance of building a bridge from Clifden to Boston?"
The Genie scratches his head and says "You're not asking much are you, it's 3,000 miles across the Atlantic isn't there something easier you could ask for?"
The guy thinks for a moment then says " well I'm a 44yr old bachelor and I've never been out with a woman in my life because I don't understand them, could my wish be that I could understand women?"
The genie said
"would you like lights on the bridge?

fryup

my last paddy joke for the week that's in it...

Paddy, his wife and their 9-year-old son went shopping in Dublin for the first time. Paddy had never been to Dublin and always lived in the countryside.

Paddy and his son were totally amazed by nearly everything they saw. But it was a shiny silver wall that opened and closed magically that really got their attention.

The boy asked his father Pat,

What is this dad?

Paddy (who had never seen an elevator before) responded,

Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I have no clue what it is!

While Paddy and his son were staring with amazement a fat old lady came to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady got between them and got into a small room.

The walls magically closed and the boy and his father watched in amazement as the small numbers above the wall light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in reverse order.

The door opens and a young busty blonde stepped out.

Paddy, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…..

"Go get your mother"

everlast75

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

I’m terrified of lifts .. so I've been taking steps to avoid them ,,,,

everlast75

Chris Eubank has written a book on Ethics.

They say if it sells well, he's going to write his next book on Kent.

everlast75

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the toilet.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and sqeezes the hell out of my b*lls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"

everlast75

I've decided on a change of career -
So I applied for a job at The Echo, but I'm still waiting to hear back from them...

Edgware

everlast75 wrote: »

I've decided on a change of career -
So I applied for a job at The Echo, but I'm still waiting to hear back from them...

I got a job disposing of boomerangs but just couldnt get rid of them

New Home

Couldn't you just throw them away?

New Home

New Home wrote: »

Couldn't you just throw them away?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_prtbj4MtDU

Suckit

Earthworms are easier to sharpen if you freeze them first.

Suckit

A man has been found dead in Minffordd, Penrhyndeudraeth, Gwynedd.

Meanwhile, 6 of tonight's newscasters have phoned in sick.

Suckit

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

Thepillowman

Suckit wrote: »

A man has been found dead in Minffordd, Penrhyndeudraeth, Gwynedd.

Meanwhile, 6 of tonight's newscasters have phoned in sick.

Luckily he wasn't from Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch.

M.T. Cranium

Flammable, inflammable, make up your minds.

whiskeyman

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

Flammable, inflammable, make up your minds.

Both match...

whiskeyman

whiskeyman wrote: »

Both match...

We mustn't inflame the situation, he'll go incandescent if we do.

New Home

It is indeed a burning issue.

frag420

Phew, things were getting heated there for a bit!

everlast75

I just read online about a woman who had plastic surgery so that she'd have 12 breasts!

I find that hard to believe! I mean, it does sound pretty weird, dozen tit?

chewed

I can't take my dog to the park any more as the ducks keep biting him.

I should have known it would happen. He's pure bread.

RobMc59

My boss said to me today:"You're the worst train driver ever.How many have you derailed this year?"
I replied:"I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track."

Capt'n Midnight

In other news, a local 27 year old woman has gone missing.

Unfortunately, we only have her online dating photo, so we have no idea what she actually looks like....

upupup

chewed wrote: »

I can't take my dog to the park any more as the ducks keep biting him.

I should have known it would happen. He's pure bread.

Pure bread! must have cost you a lot of dough.

blade1

chewed wrote: »

I can't take my dog to the park any more as the ducks keep biting him.

I should have known it would happen. He's pure bread.

Does it happen when you yeast expect it?

GBX

I asked my wife if she minded me having a tattoo.

She actually thought it was a good idea. So I did...

Now she's moaning about the feckin' pipers in the garden!

M.T. Cranium

People have kilt for less.

everlast75

I'm going to a good Friday, fancy dress house party tomorrow night.

My mate is going as a rastafarian and has asked me to do his hair.

I'm dreading it.

everlast75

everlast75 wrote: »

I'm going to a good Friday, fancy dress house party tomorrow night.

My mate is going as a Rastafarian and has asked me to do his hair.

I'm dreading it.

Just be sure you're not locked before doing it!

coolhull

Paddy was in New York, patiently watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay pedestrians”. Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the 10th time, Paddy called over to him, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

Suckit

I told my Doctor that I was experiencing hearing loss in one ear,

He asked, "What ear is it?" I said, "2021"......