The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Edgware

Danny Welback, Man Utd and Brighton, His father was a bomb disposal officer in Belfast, Stan Welback.

everlast75

What has 2 wings and a halo?

A Chinese phone

upupup

everlast75 wrote: »

What has 2 wings and a halo?

A Chinese phone

Wery funny.

coolhull

A group of four and half year olds in a Dublin primary school,were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "Liam,what did you do over the weekend?"
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, Liam,you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!!”

She then asked Seamus what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
"No, Seamus, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said.

She then asked little Paddy what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL Paddy”the teacher said,”and what book did you read?"
Little Paddy thought very hard for a moment, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHI*T"!!!

frag420

everlast75 wrote: »

What has 2 wings and a halo?

A Chinese phone

That’s wacist!!

The Princess Bride

When I was a teen, I had "Madness" and The Specials" tattooed on my arm.
I want to get both removed now, but I think it might leave a ska.

RobMc59

BREAKING NEWS:MAN DIES AFTER FALLING INTO GIANT COFFEE VAT.

His wife told reporters:`he did`nt suffer,it was instant.`

fryup

anyone remember this schoolyard joke from many moons back?? ...

A woman wants to impress her boyfriend who's a big Beatles fan by getting two tattoos of John Lennon & Paul McCartney each side of her fanny

when she gets back to the flat to surprise him she lifts up her skirt and says "look at these" ...the boyfriend responds "who are they??" its Lennon & McCartney she replies disappointingly..."but they don't look anything like them" her boyfriend says

so eager to get a second opinion she goes out onto the street and asks the first person she meets who they think the tattoos are..and first person she comes across is an elderly drunk and he says "well i don't know about dem two but the one in the middle looks like Finbar Furey" :P

frag420

everlast75 wrote: »

What has 2 wings and a halo?

A Chinese phone

That’s wacist!!

everlast75

Just sold my homing pigeons on ebay!

Third time this week..

blueser

fryup wrote: »

anyone remember this schoolyard joke from many moons back?? ...

A woman wants to impress her boyfriend who's a big Beatles fan by getting two tattoos of John Lennon & Paul McCartney each side of her fanny

when she gets back to the flat to surprise him she lifts up her skirt and says "look at these" ...the boyfriend responds "who are they??" its Lennon & McCartney she replies disappointingly..."but they don't look anything like them" her boyfriend says

so eager to get a second opinion she goes out onto the street and asks the first person she meets who they think the tattoos are..and first person she comes across is an elderly drunk and he says "well i don't know about dem two but the one in the middle looks like Finbar Furey" :P

Billy Connolly in the version I heard back in prehistoric times.

fryup

^^^^the scottish version :P

the english version - dave lee travis, the welsh version - max boyce

RobMc59

fryup wrote: »

^^^^the scottish version :P

the english version - dave lee travis, the welsh version - max boyce

The version I heard was grizzly adams:)

ArnoldJRimmer

RobMc59 wrote: »

The version I heard was grizzly adams:)

The version I heard involved Ian Paisley and his wife, tattoos of king billy and the queen, and a punchline of Gerry Adams

blade1

RobMc59 wrote: »

The version I heard was grizzly adams:)

West Cork?

RobMc59

blade1 wrote: »

West Cork?

Liverpool

Edgware

frag420 wrote: »

That’s wacist!!

Wazy lacism

Suckit

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaa..."

bonzodog2

The Chairman of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

joeguevara

Me: "I think I'll open this drawer."

Potato masher: "The fcuk you will."

Suckit

George says to Harry "My mate came off his motorbike today."
"Oh really?" Says Harry.
"Yes" George answers. "He has brain damage, 2 broken arms and is blind
in one eye!"
Harry says, "Bloody hell, no wonder he came off!"

If you’re in consonant, that means you have loose vowels.

everlast75

Sad news from the Nestlé factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!', people just cheered

frag420

everlast75 wrote: »

Sad news from the Nestlé factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!', people just cheered

Sounds like he got his just deserts, Death by Chocolate!

Edgware

FOR SALE

PHILIPS T.V.

(Well he wont need it)

Suckit

An alcoholic wakes up in jail. He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?" The officer replies "for drinking" The man replies "great, when do we start?"

Capt'n Midnight

I managed to get both my parents into the same Nursing home.

A bit of revenge for them divorcing when I was six.

M.T. Cranium

What did everyone say to Harry at the funeral?

"You're meghan us angry bro."

RobMc59

Tottenham joining a European super league is like Bananaman getting called up as an Avenger..

Capt'n Midnight

Kier Starmer walks into a pub...

Capt'n Midnight

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines, but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

Gloomtastic!

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you this, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said and I decided you were right, I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke.

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^
that joke dates back to the ark

here's a more up to date one...

Bishop Casey walks into a pub in Galway and asks the Barman has he "any murphy?"

Capt'n Midnight

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Capt'n Midnight

Donate one kidney and you are a hero

When you try and donate five the shouting starts :rolleyes:

Capt'n Midnight

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

Sharpyshoot

My post count is no joke.

Capt'n Midnight

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

Suckit

I went to one of those positive thinking classes last night. . .
It was crap

M.T. Cranium

I just ordered that on-line publication, "Make Money at Home," and got a confirmation e-mail. It reads ...

"Thanks for purchasing our book. See, it works."

Capt'n Midnight

Just back from the doctor's who suggested I need an earring made.

What a strange thing to say..

upupup

Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair... I've heard nothing since.

ArnoldJRimmer

I went to the doctor and told him that I have been hearing problems

He said, 'Ok, can you describe the symptoms?'

I said, 'Well Homer is fat, and Marge has blue hair..'

What!

iamstop

Deleted User wrote: »

What!

I see hear what you did there!

Sheridan81

Suckit wrote: »

I went to one of those positive thinking classes last night. . .
It was crap

You should try going to a motivational seminar instead.

Was going to go myself but couldn't be bothered in the end.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Police!

Police who?

Police BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!

Sorry, wrong house!

The Princess Bride

I'm very proud to have finished my 7th marathon in 7 days.



Or 'snickers' as they're now called.

M.T. Cranium

Uh oh, four days with no jokes.

That is no laughing matter.

blade1

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

Uh oh, four days with no jokes.

That is no laughing matter.

You're not the only M.T. Cranium around here!