How to stop being so harsh on myself?

LegacyUser

I have lofty expectations about myself in all aspects of life, and I can't help but focus on the areas that I'm failing to meet expectations in. This leads to feelings of inadequacy, depression, and terrible self-esteem. So I'm looking for advice on how to deal with this stuff.

I'm 27, and my main gripe is with how I'm such a social failure. I only have 2 real friends, and while I'd see them once or twice a fortnight, it's not enough. I don't go to concerts, festivals, or football matches like most other people my age in big groups of friends. My two current friends both don't really like to "do" stuff beyond having a few drinks. I work from home so a lot of my time is spent at home and alone.

I don't attend Meetups and I don't attend any classes relating to my hobbies. I also still live at home simply because I cannot afford to move out because rent in Dublin is too high for me. I've suffered from severe anxiety for a number of years, which has hampered my social progress more than most other things.

When viewed objectively, my life probably doesn't sound too bad considering what I've achieved in a state of anxiety. I graduated from UCD with a really good degree. I have been abroad on my own multiple times to see the world. I have delved into stuff like spirituality in an attempt to understand myself better, and I'm familiar with things like mindfulness and Zen Buddhism. I also learned how to play guitar from scratch alone. I've read lots of books too.

Yet I still always feel inadequate. Failing to meet expectations. People, in general, seem much happier than me. People have big groups of friends whom they socialize with on a gorgeous day like today. I am alone.

My 20s could best be described as a major struggle to understand myself and to understand life. A period of intense introspection that I still haven't come out the other side of in a happier place from. Yes, I've had some good nights out and got drunk many times with friends, but that carefree child-like state that is meant to mark your 20s? I've never felt it.

I'm always overthinking, always inadequate. I always fail to meet the expectations in my mind that a guy with a good sense of humour like mine should have loads of friends. I'm always striving to be popular and I get the impression that everyone but me is a popular person.

And then because I've been this way pretty much my entire adult life, my mind also dwells on the things I've missed out on. I blame myself for all of it. My lack of activity in overcoming shyness or social anxiety or whatever it is that stops me from taking the required action to meet people; it's all my fault. I take action in every other aspect of life that leads to positive results (reading, traveling, learning to play guitar).

Yet the one area I can't seem to do anything about is making lots of friends. And the lack of success there makes anything else positive about me utterly irrelevant (in my mind). Really sorry for the length of this post but I have nowhere else to turn and once I started writing I couldn't stop.

If anyone made it to the end and has some advice, I'd be so grateful. Thanks.

zoobizoo

Pick up a book called The Feeling Good Handbook.

That'll help with the esteem etc.

I think you really just need some good friends who are active who'll get you out there and to go talk to a professional to help your self esteem.


Those big groups of friends rarely last as people grow up, shag each other and break up, figure out who they are and develop new opinions etc etc.....

Go join some clubs with the intention of not making new best friends, but making friends with people who you have similar interests to.

That book I recommended will give advice on how to get out there more and to sto judging yourself too harshly.

Try not to base your happiness on the number of friends you have but rather the quality of those friendships.

MightyMandarin

Honestly you sound a lot like me, as I have/had the same issues, but I think I'm slowly getting over them.

No matter what I do, how interesting I am, how great my life seems to be... the voice in my head always finds something **** to feel about myself. The thing is though, as **** as I might feel about myself, I've learnt over the past year or so that people really are just as much failures at life as I am (maybe even bigger failures than me), it's just all perception and mentality.

Honestly, you sound pretty cool and travelling alone takes balls that most people wouldn't have; and your interest in spirituality also indicates that you're a little more sophisticated than most people so I wouldn't sweat too much about being beneath others or not worthy of a conversation. I'd certainly find someone with an interest in Zen Buddhism worthy of a good chat. While people have social groups and stuff, I've actually reached the stage where that type of environment (of having the same group of friends who go drinking at the weekend or whatever) completely unfulfilling. Encountering new people is the way to go imo, and believe it or not, the vast majority of people are a lot more awkward and boring than I thought they were.

I went through about 2-3yrs of being afraid to talk to people as I felt unworthy and I can honestly say the past couple of years of my life have been absolutely **** in terms of my social progression. The first 2 years of University were dreadful and even though studying abroad this year might have helped, simply believing that I am worthy, I am interesting and people are genuinely lucky to meet me, has been the key. While I'm not one for taking compliments seriously, after telling some of my friends here about my struggles (who didn't believe me at all in the beginning) and hearing their responses that I'm as confident and charismatic as they come, I honestly felt good about myself for once in my life, even for a few minutes.

I don't think I'll ever stop being harsh on myself, but I'm managing it better now; in a way, that voice is just a little bit less of a dick.

I guess this is a long response, but a long post warranted a long response as I can really see the similarities, and even though I'm a good bit younger, hopefully you can take some of my experiences and help yourself.

Don't sweat too much about it; when you meet enough people, you quickly realise that the person who seems to be 'always out with their mates, has 1.5m FB friends, seem to be the most interesting guy/girl at the party' probably feels just as **** as you (or worse).

LegacyUser

MightyMandarin wrote: »

I don't think I'll ever stop being harsh on myself, but I'm managing it better now; in a way, that voice is just a little bit less of a dick.

I guess this is a long response, but a long post warranted a long response as I can really see the similarities, and even though I'm a good bit younger, hopefully you can take some of my experiences and help yourself.

Don't sweat too much about it; when you meet enough people, you quickly realise that the person who seems to be 'always out with their mates, has 1.5m FB friends, seem to be the most interesting guy/girl at the party' probably feels just as **** as you (or worse).

Thank you for your kind reply. I think my problem is that I always feel like my life is over; like the years I've spent only having one or two friends who I'd see only semi-regularly and who never really wanted to do anything but drink has left me in a position where I've missed out on what is supposed to be the time of your life.

Don't 99% of people spend the majority of ages 20-25 in a care-free state where they just have fun, attend loads of football matches, concerts, gigs, festivals and (without wanting to sound creepy) lots of sex etc? I've not done any of that. I've only been with two girls! The last music event I was able to attend was in 2013. I've supported the same football team all my life yet because of lack of friends, I've never been able to attend a match. I just feel like as I approach 27, I've missed out on lots of stuff that I can never get back. And the older I get, the harder it'll get to meet new people anyway.

LegacyUser

gocompare1 wrote: »

I think my problem is that I always feel like my life is over; like the years I've spent only having one or two friends who I'd see only semi-regularly and who never really wanted to do anything but drink has left me in a position where I've missed out on what is supposed to be the time of your life.
I just feel like as I approach 27, I've missed out on lots of stuff that I can never get back.

I can relate to this a little in that I came out of a long relationship where we basically sat on the couch and did nothing while all our friends went to gigs, holidays, bbqs, sports events, weekends away. When I ended the relationship I was heading into my 30s feeling like I'd wasted my 20s - what were supposed to be the best years of my life.

So I decided that I would have my 20s now! Sure, you can't get back the actual years that you feel you've lost but there's no reason you can't do all those things now. Better to take a risk and live your life now rather than be sitting here in another 10 years writing the exact same post.

LLMMLL

gocompare1 wrote: »

Thank you for your kind reply. I think my problem is that I always feel like my life is over; like the years I've spent only having one or two friends who I'd see only semi-regularly and who never really wanted to do anything but drink has left me in a position where I've missed out on what is supposed to be the time of your life.

Don't 99% of people spend the majority of ages 20-25 in a care-free state where they just have fun, attend loads of football matches, concerts, gigs, festivals and (without wanting to sound creepy) lots of sex etc? I've not done any of that. I've only been with two girls! The last music event I was able to attend was in 2013. I've supported the same football team all my life yet because of lack of friends, I've never been able to attend a match. I just feel like as I approach 27, I've missed out on lots of stuff that I can never get back. And the older I get, the harder it'll get to meet new people anyway.

Well no not even close to 99% of people in their 20s lead that life. I'd estimate a third of people clearly don't lead that kind of life, a third of people appear to live that life but also have major life problems, self doubt etc. , And a third of people are actually living that life. Take your two friends for example. Doesn't sound like they like leading the lifestyle you're describing.

MightyMandarin

gocompare1 wrote: »

Thank you for your kind reply. I think my problem is that I always feel like my life is over; like the years I've spent only having one or two friends who I'd see only semi-regularly and who never really wanted to do anything but drink has left me in a position where I've missed out on what is supposed to be the time of your life.

Don't 99% of people spend the majority of ages 20-25 in a care-free state where they just have fun, attend loads of football matches, concerts, gigs, festivals and (without wanting to sound creepy) lots of sex etc? I've not done any of that. I've only been with two girls! The last music event I was able to attend was in 2013. I've supported the same football team all my life yet because of lack of friends, I've never been able to attend a match. I just feel like as I approach 27, I've missed out on lots of stuff that I can never get back. And the older I get, the harder it'll get to meet new people anyway.

You're not even 27 and you're contemplating your life is over? Sorry if it comes across as mean but I laugh at that statement. Life doesn't end at 30; it doesn't even end at 40. My dad was 42 when I was born and I imagine by that stage he had enough of being "wild" and decided to settle down. Assuming you took a similar path, you'd have 15 years to do stuff before "young life" ends. 15 years is a long time to have fun before family life calls, and even then there are some happy people who never settle down and that's fine too.

I'm only beginning my 20's and I hope to God I don't end up living a care-free life like that as it really just isn't for me. That's my decision though, you might want a life like that and all I can advise in that case is just go for it. Instead of sitting around waiting for your mates to do stuff, go alone and meet people at festivals. You might think it's weird but it's not and most people end up alone at festivals anyway when they get separated from their friends. Instead of looking back at what you could've/would've/should've done, just focus on what you can change which is the present and the future. It's good to reflect and learn from mistakes and experiences but don't dwell on them too much.

Whatever decision you make just remember, you'll be fine.