My grandmother and dementia

amtc

I am not sure what I am looking for with this but have looked inside and out and cannot figure out where to go.

My grandmother is 91 and has severe dementia to the extent that she is totally immobile. She lives in Australia (emigrated in 1970). My mam is eldest (will be 70 this year) lives here. My youngest aunt (57) looks after my nana. She is determined to keep nana at home to extent hoist and hospital bed being fitted monday. To finance this they have sold house and rent it back. My aunt cannot cope with nana on her own and my mam has spent most of the last year over there. When Nana goes as she will my aunt has nowhere to go. She has 5 siblings but apart from my mam noone really cares. My aunt is a bit of a prickly person mind you.

My dad is here and is nearing 80. He is not all that well either. I am an only child. My issue is that my aunt now refers to my mam as her substitute mother and is quite disparaging about me and my dad. My mam is finding it all very hard. She rang me from the garage on her mobile as my aunt won't let her call in case she wants to come home. I get my aunt's frustration but my mam is missing her own house.

I am at a loss as to what to do. There really is no solution.

amtc

Just to add they have carers for an hour a day but my aunt won't let them care. She thinks no one can do it as well as she can.

My poor mam is exhausted. Nana just won't sleep. It is just not practical for aunt to care on her own, but my mam has been there for three stints of three months in last year

My issue really is that my aunt is so attached to my mam that she thinks she'll just live over here when inevitable happens.

368100

I feel for you OP, my mam had parkinsons and full blown dementia for the last 2 years of her life.......essentially we lost her at that stage as she stopped talking and if she was processing what was going on it was lost inside her head.

Did your aunt work before she started caring for your Nana? What issue has she with you and your dad?

amtc

Yes she did work, but it was a shift job and was over ten years ago. The point is that when my grandmother is not there she will have nowhere to live but seems to expect she will just come over here. Her issue with me and my dad is that we are taking her sister away from her. Historically she doesn't like my dad for some valid reasons but she resents me as being my mother's daughter. I am of the opinion she has transferred my mother into the position of being her mother and hence I'm competition for affection. My poor mother is walking on eggshells. As I said she has been there for three stints of three months in the last year. She was due to come home yesterday but my aunt threw a tantrum earlier in the week and threatened she couldn't cope without my mother and unilaterally extended her ticket. It's such a mess. I mean realistically nana won't get suddenly better but the situation it leaves my aunt in has to be managed.

Johnny157

Hi,
It is your mothers responsibility to manage her relationships with her siblings. Clearly your aunt has fallen into the classic 'nobody can care like me' narrative but thats grand, let her at it. Its your mums decision to stay there, to not challenge her sister and to enable the growing codependency that is energing.

For yourself it may be healthier to realise that your relationship with your mother is all you can or should want to manage. The relaationship between your mother and her sister is inappropriate but your mother allows it to be so ( making phone calls from the garage????). You could make a healthy choice to step back and work on your own life and be less dependent on fixing things for your mother.

Big Bag of Chips

What aspect of all this do you specifically want advice on?

You can't control your aunt's behaviour.
You can't control your mother's behaviour.
If your aunt decides she's going to move in with your mam and dad then that's up to them to agree to it, or put a stop to it.

Your mother is a capable woman. If she can plan, organise and execute a 3 month trip to Australia without letting your dad know about it, I'm sure she can handle her sister.

This is a very difficult time for them as they watch their mother slip away. 'Plans' may be loosely discussed without ever any real intention to carry them through.

amtc

I suppose that's really it. There are no plans. Much talk of family meetings, but nobody else really cares in the family. I have tried a suggestion that my cousin who is a nurse and looking for a place to rent could move in to help both financially and practically. However he comes with a menagerie of animals. I'm sure there is a workaround. The point is that my aunt seems incapable of seeing one. Anyway update is my mother has arranged doctor's appointment for my aunt as she thinks she is close to cracking up. She has also enlisted some people from the local church so they will sit with nana. When my mam gets the bit between her teeth she really gets on with it.