Am I a monster?

Zedsmeds

My childhood was a mess. There was physical and mental abuse from both my parents who had addiction problems. And there were issues with rape that i dont want to talk about that here.There was sexual abuse from my father who was extremely violent and even killed my pet dog. My mam eventually got rid of him but she really struggled with her mental health and was in and out of hospital. Her drug problems got worse and she would disappear for weeks never buying food or school books.
My older sister was left to look after us but never did (us being me and my 3 other sisters, youngest being a baby) she had drug and drink problems and would just leave when my mam left. So me being the second eldest I had to look after everyone.
I helped my mam clean up after she had my little brother, my older sisters problems worsened and she started stealing and trying to get my mam to be horrible again so she could have an easy life on drugs. So I got my sister to leave. I helped my mother with her health problems, I have helped her develop better relationships with my younger sisters and be a better mother.
In that time though I had to make the most horrible decision of my life and I will never forgive myself for it.
I became pregnant at 17, my parents never teaching me much about contraception, didn't help. My boyfriends parents were strict catholics and my mother had told me since I was a young child that abortion is evil and that if I ever had one she would reject me. I cried for two hours in my bfs bathroom when I found out.
My sister was texting my mam at the time lying about being pregnant and because she still lived with us at the time and my mam wasnt better yet she was constantly screaming about kicking my sister out over it. I couldn't tell her, I needed to help her not hinder her. My bfs parents would just stop me from seeing him as they generally didn't like me in the first place. My bf was starting up a business with his brother and had other things to worry about.
I went to a clinic and had a scan, I was about 8 weeks. My little baby was already 8 weeks. I had no passport and no I.D at this stage I had just turned 18. I had a couple of sessions with the clinic about what i was going to do and I decided I had to terminate my little baby. My bf tried ordering tablets but you can't get them here and we didn't know anyone up north.
I was running out of time I needed to apply for a passport but I had no proof of address or ID. I was so panicked and stressed. I had no money.
I rang the abortion support charity and they helped a lot but my boyfriend had to save up some money to cover the cost of travel. We had to go by ferry as my passport application got rejected.
My boyfriend had gotten terrified at this stage because of how late it was getting and I told him I was having doubts and he did not react well to that. He threatened to hurt me and the baby if I didn't go through it.
It was 15 weeks when I finally got to England, I had to talk my boyfriend into coming with me because I couldn't do that alone. We stayed with a support family.
I had to have surgery, I was terrified, I didn't want to go through with it but my sisters, what life would they have had? I wouldn't have helped my mam and she would've gotten worse. I couldn't have even put my baby up for adoption as my mam would've found out and kicked me out anyways. And my sisters would have left to fend for themselves.
The minute I woke up after that surgery I felt dead inside. I felt empty and worthless, a monster. I had a scan right before and I remember seeing my beautiful baby for the last time ever and that image was branded in my mind forever.
I still feel that way. I still feel dead. Am I a monster?

tea and coffee

No, you are not a monster. I do think you should get counselling. By this and your other posts you have been through a lot of pain and challenge in your life (to put it mildly) and it would probably be useful to address it.

Airyfairy12

You are not a monster. You did what you had to do and by the sounds of it you made the right decision. Its just unfortunate that we live in a judgmental and uncaring society where young women like yourself are left in these horrendous situations, youre a victim of Irelands pro birth ideology and it isnt your fault. If you go to your GP and discuss your past and sexual abuse you will put on a waiting list to receive free counselling sessions which I think you really need. Things will get better, start working towards improving your mental health and current circumstances, it will take allot of time but you'll get there.
If you can register to vote, do. There will hopefully be a referendum in the coming months to repeal the 8th. Its important that we all vote on this to ensure no other young women find themselves in a situation like you have been in. x

Ave Sodalis

OP, you are most definitely not a monster in any way, shape or form.

The thing about abortions is that it is rarely black and white. They aren't easy and they need time to heal over. I know certain ignorant people like to paint it as though women just pop down to a clinic on their lunch break because they couldn't be bothered with the whole pregnancy thing, but that is very far from the truth. There is nearly always a tormenting indecision about it. At the end of the day though, you made the correct decision for your circumstances. That doesn't mean it's easy but it was right for you at that time.

For the record, I think you are an incredibly strong person for going through the life you have. It is time you put yourself first. Start with talking to someone. Be good to yourself, allow yourself to heal.

mahamageehad

I don't believe it's ever an easy decision for someone to have an abortion, so go a bit easier on yourself. You did what you thought was right in this situation. It saddens me that parents like this still exist in Ireland today.

I defo agree with the user above that recommended counseling, it sounds like this isn't the only issue you need to work through. It'll all get better OP, chin up. Talking to someone is a good first step.

nikkibikki

You are not a monster. Not even close. Give yourself a break OP. Can you get help from TUSLA in regards to your siblings? Respite for your mam and yourself. Other kinds of supports are available. Their last resort is to split up a family so don't be afraid please.

The decision to have an abortion was not a selfish one. You did it for everyone else.

You definitely need talk to someone. I think you'd need a psychotherapist instead of a counsellor. Your GP can refer you.

Also, please re-consider your relationship with your boyfriend. He equally contributed to the pregnancy. He threatened to hurt you for having doubts about having an abortion and you had to make him support you through that ordeal.

ShaShaBear

You're a lot of things, but a monster is not one of them.

You are brave.
You are utterly selfless.
And in my opinion, you are right to do what you did.

I can only imagine the pain you felt, but just imagine the pain you saved that baby from. Your boyfriend, by the sounds of it, would have been no type of good father (threats of harm to get what he wants because he clearly didn't use contraception either). Your sister is a toxic liar, who would have caused all sorts of trouble for you. As a pregnant woman, you likely would not have been safe around your family by what you describe, and would have nowhere else to go regardless.

Years from now, when you're with someone you love and have a stable and happy life, you might decide to have a baby. You'll experience motherhood for the first time the right way. No constant fear or danger, no stress and mental conditions, no threats of harm. In the meantime, please try to get some counselling to help you get there.

Another day

Absolutely not a monster. Instead look on yourself as a strong young woman who has gone through a terribly traumatic experience. You made the right choice for you and your circumstances. You will come through this but as suggested previously, you need to speak with a qualified person to come to terms with what you have gone through.

I sincerely hope you seek help not just for this but all the other things you are dealing with. Best of luck.

Frogscotch

You poor thing - no no no you are a GOOD person who was in a terrible position. I hope you can learn to forgive yourself for making a choice that many many other good, normal, right thinking people would make in the same situation. Agree that counselling would be really helpful for you if you can access it. Good luck.

molloyjh

I would class you as the total opposite to a monster tbh. Sometimes the right decision is an incredibly horrible and painful one. It doesn't stop the decision being right, nor does the fact that it's right magically make the emotive side of it go away.

A monster wouldn't consider other peoples feelings, wouldn't be upset over this, wouldn't even ask if they were a monster. In my experience the people who ask those kinds of questions of themselves are the ones who are probably in the healthiest frame of mind. It shows good introspection and understanding of what you did. And that can help play a role in moving on. But it won't be easy. It shouldn't be easy. It was a big decision with big impacts. It sounds to me like you made the best choice you could and are reacting to that choice in a completely reasonable manner.

Getting professional help is almost a must though. Regardless of your past this is a decision that will effect you physically and emotionally for some time. Finding ways of dealing with that will be really important. And try and find a friend that you can rely on. Someone you can just talk to if you need to. Your bf doesn't sound like he's the supporting type but if he is willing to be there for you then don't try and go through this alone.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this and best of luck. You'll continue to doubt yourself over it. That's totally normal. If anything it's a sign that you understand and appreciate the gravity of what happened. And that, in a crappy situation, is a good thing.