Living with a couple

The Young Wan

I've just recently moved to mainland Europe for work. My job put me into a flatshare with some other co-workers for the first few months to get my bearings.

Two of these housemates/co-workers are in the early stages of a relationship. And it feels like I'm third wheeling them the whole time in the house. I go to make dinner, they're in making dinner together and I feel like I'm interfering. The other night we watched a film and I felt like I was interrupting a date night. They walk to the bus to work together each morning, and that was quite tough in my first few days here so I could get to know my way to my office.

I don't want to feel like the awkward salmon in my house, but of course if I say something and things go sour then I'm pretty much left outside because I don't have any mates here as of yet.

Any tips on how to broach the situation would be great, has anyone been in this boat before?

ibarelycare

Why didn't you walk to the bus with them? Are they deliberately excluding you or did you choose not to walk with them cos you thought it would be uncomfortable? If it's the latter, then the issue is really your issue, and not their's, and they're not doing anything wrong.

FWIW I'd hate to live with a couple if I was on my own, and I can imagine it's a bit crappy, but it's only temporary right? Make an effort to make friends with your other co-workers!

Airyfairy12

Ive lived with couples in the past and it has always been a nightmare. They exclude other housemates, it will always be two against one and they tend to make things awkward for others living in the house. One couple I lived with in college would ask me to walk with them to college some mornings or go do shopping together, on the way they would literally stop every 2 minutes to wear the face off each other, it was awful! Not to mention getting caught in between arguments, them not cleaning up after themselves/stealing food, taking over the living room/kitchen, taking showers/baths together and listening to their sex noises at all hours, couples are the worst housemates.
The only advice id have is to keep on friendly terms with them but start looking for another place. If you say anything it's two against one and they will take each others side, this could potentially make the living situation even more uncomfortable. If you move somewhere else you have more chance of expanding your circle, getting to know more people while still being on friendly terms with this couple you can meet up with them occasionally for hang outs.

The Young Wan

ibarelycare wrote: »

Why didn't you walk to the bus with them? Are they deliberately excluding you or did you choose not to walk with them cos you thought it would be uncomfortable? If it's the latter, then the issue is really your issue, and not their's, and they're not doing anything wrong.

FWIW I'd hate to live with a couple if I was on my own, and I can imagine it's a bit crappy, but it's only temporary right? Make an effort to make friends with your other co-workers!

I'd have had no problem with walking with them, if they'd had let me know they were going earlier that morning.

ibarelycare

The Young Wan wrote: »

I'd have had no problem with walking with them, if they'd had let me know they were going earlier that morning.

Ok well that's a bit crappy to leave you to find your way to work on your own on your first day. But the rest of the stuff you mentioned, they're not actually doing anything wrong. Can you request to be moved somewhere else? I think you just need to stick it out and concentrate on making friends.

The Young Wan

ibarelycare wrote: »

Ok well that's a bit crappy to leave you to find your way to work on your own on your first day. But the rest of the stuff you mentioned, they're not actually doing anything wrong. Can you request to be moved somewhere else? I think you just need to stick it out and concentrate on making friends.

Yeah, true. I know I'm only being a moany little wagon about it and there's far more important things to worry over, but I can't help feeling a little excluded and it's making settling in in the house hard.

Lead

The Young Wan wrote: »

Yeah, true. I know I'm only being a moany little wagon about it and there's far more important things to worry over, but I can't help feeling a little excluded and it's making settling in in the house hard.

I honestly dont mean to be rude but why should they include you in their life? If they're making dinner then wait till their finished. If they are watching a film in the sitting room then you've every right to use that sitting room at the same time. If they want alone movie time they can go to their room. But they do not have to include you in anything they do. You're a room-mate not a friend.

Riskymove

Lead wrote: »

But they do not have to include you in anything they do. You're a room-mate not a friend.

that's right....back to your room and your crying chair and don't come out until we are gone

The Young Wan

Lead wrote: »

I honestly dont mean to be rude but why should they include you in their life? If they're making dinner then wait till their finished. If they are watching a film in the sitting room then you've every right to use that sitting room at the same time. If they want alone movie time they can go to their room. But they do not have to include you in anything they do. You're a room-mate not a friend.

Because really, these are the only friends I have here at the moment. And I don't want to spend my whole time here locked into my room to give them run of a house that I pay for too.

ibarelycare

The Young Wan wrote: »

Because really, these are the only friends I have here at the moment. And I don't want to spend my whole time here locked into my room to give them run of a house that I pay for too.

But are they asking you to do that? I understand that you feel awkward but that's not their problem. They're not gonna stop acting like a couple so the best thing you can do is, every time you walk into the communal areas and they're there, put a smile on your face, chat to them and get to know them. Why not suggest doing something "girly" with the girl too, like going for a manicure or a cocktail? The only person's behaviour you can control here is yours.

The Young Wan

ibarelycare wrote: »

But are they asking you to do that? I understand that you feel awkward but that's not their problem. They're not gonna stop acting like a couple so the best thing you can do is, every time you walk into the communal areas and they're there, put a smile on your face, chat to them and get to know them. Why not suggest doing something "girly" with the girl too, like going for a manicure or a cocktail? The only person's behaviour you can control here is yours.

I would love to but almost every night they have a plan together. I guess it's a case of "get in early" for that one.

Ursus Horribilis

Can you try harder to make new friends and not be depending on the pair for company? At least if you're getting out of the apartment in the evenings or inviting your own people over, it'll be better than hiding in your room. Sharing with a couple can be challenging but it depends on the people involved.

ibarelycare

The Young Wan wrote: »

I would love to but almost every night they have a plan together. I guess it's a case of "get in early" for that one.

Yeah it is a case of get in early. Ask her tonight if she wants to do something at the weekend or next week.

At the same time, you have to remember that these people are colleagues and housemates. They're not necessarily your friends and they don't owe you anything. It's up to you to keep yourself occupied if that's what you want to do!

frankythefish

I think the inevitable solution here is a threeway. Some intense lovemaking will quickly bond you together. It is likely why they took in a lodger even.

SteM

The Young Wan wrote: »

I would love to but almost every night they have a plan together.

If they're in the early stages of a relationship then I'm not surprised to hear that. Hang in there but do your best to make friends outside the house because you're in a difficult position.

Lead

The Young Wan wrote: »

Because really, these are the only friends I have here at the moment. And I don't want to spend my whole time here locked into my room to give them run of a house that I pay for too.

But they're not your friends, they're your housemates. See if there are meet up groups locally and go make your own friends. Are there any afterwork activities you could go along to?

Don't lock yourself in your room that's a silly idea, just don't be hurt if they want to spend time together.

Tokyo

Mod:

frankythefish - not helpful to say the least, and nowhere near the standard of response expected in this forum. Don't post in this thread again, and please read the forum charter before posting in PI/RI in future.

The Young Wan

Lead wrote: »

But they're not your friends, they're your housemates. See if there are meet up groups locally and go make your own friends. Are there any afterwork activities you could go along to?

Don't lock yourself in your room that's a silly idea, just don't be hurt if they want to spend time together.

When I say friends, I mean "people I know in any context".

Ursus Horribilis

The Young Wan wrote: »

When I say friends, I mean "people I know in any context".

Not bring smart but it's time you struck out on your own and found some new people so.. Can you not socialise with your other colleagues? Is there an ex-pat community where you are now? I appreciate that it's tough to find yourself alone abroad but surely striking out and meeting new people is part of what you have to do?

Oh, and I've shared with a couple too. I feel your pain!

The Young Wan

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Not bring smart but it's time you struck out on your own and found some new people so.. Can you not socialise with your other colleagues? Is there an ex-pat community where you are now? I appreciate that it's tough to find yourself alone abroad but surely striking out and meeting new people is part of what you have to do?

Oh, and I've shared with a couple too. I feel your pain!

I don't really know any other colleagues. The only ones I do know, I'd met through these two. And theyre much close together narurally, having had six months together as opposed to the week I've been here.

There's no expat community in this town. Not an Irish one anyway, that I know of. The closest I'd heard of is two hours away?

Ursus Horribilis

How about inviting these other colleagues out for a cup of coffee or a drink? You'll probably have a better chance of making friends with them then with the lovebirds under your own roof.

mahamageehad

What country are you in and if you don't feel comfortable saying that, do you at least speak the local language. Meeting people can be very difficult. Facebook groups are a great help, or something like meetup.com

The Young Wan

mahamageehad wrote: »

What country are you in and if you don't feel comfortable saying that, do you at least speak the local language. Meeting people can be very difficult. Facebook groups are a great help, or something like meetup.com

I don't speak very much of the local language so talking to the locals isn't a go.

ibarelycare

OP you keep dismissing everyone's suggestions and making excuses. If you want things to change for yourself then make them change. Make an effort with your coworkers. Stop relying on other people. Learn the local language. What did you expect when you moved to a new country?

The Young Wan

ibarelycare wrote: »

OP you keep dismissing everyone's suggestions and making excuses. If you want things to change for yourself then make them change. Make an effort with your coworkers. Stop relying on other people. Learn the local language. What did you expect when you moved to a new country?

Im trying to learn the language. Im getting lessons thanks to work. But I'm nowhere near ready to hold a full conversation with someone.

As for co-workers, I've been trying. Friendly in the breakroom, chatting at the deal. But everyone has their own friends and groups.

charlietheminxx

OP it sounds like living with a couple is the least of your trouble. Are you actually enjoying living and working abroad in general? It sounds like that's what you're finding tough.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

The language class is a positive start. Will it be with other beginners? I found the best place to meet others abroad was through language class as everyone is in the same boat. It will build your confidence too. You could try and find a local that may want to improve their conversational English? You'll be surprised how many people love to speak English.

I wouldn't be too stressed out over your living situation yet. The couple sound like they are in the honeymoon stage of their relationship. The best thing to do is to stay positive and friendly and you'll make friends. Don't panic and enjoy the experience.

The Young Wan

charlietheminxx wrote: »

OP it sounds like living with a couple is the least of your trouble. Are you actually enjoying living and working abroad in general? It sounds like that's what you're finding tough.

Yes, I like the job and I love where I'm living. I'm just finding it a little lonely.

Tiddlypeeps

The Young Wan wrote: »

as opposed to the week I've been here.

You've only been there a week. These things take time. Even the most social person will find themselves isolated and lonely for a short while after moving to a new country on their own where they don't know anyone.

You do need to put in effort to get to know people tho, if you don't do that then it will never happen. But even when you do put in the effort it still takes time, people rarely become friends over night.

Eimee90

This is such nonsense, living with a couple is awful. They purposely take over the house, op is not to blame

The Young Wan

Last night there were two couple in the house and boy was that an experience.

Anyway. I took someone here's advice and tired to ask the girl of the couple if she would like to do something over the weekend.

"Oh. Sorry i can't. Tomorrow (saturday, so today) I'm going stopping with (male of relationship) and on Sunday we're going to book a holiday together."

Time and effort, TYW. It will take time and effort.

ibarelycare

The Young Wan wrote: »

Last night there were two couple in the house and boy was that an experience.

Anyway. I took someone here's advice and tired to ask the girl of the couple if she would like to do something over the weekend.

"Oh. Sorry i can't. Tomorrow (saturday, so today) I'm going stopping with (male of relationship) and on Sunday we're going to book a holiday together."

Time and effort, TYW. It will take time and effort.

Asking someone on Friday if they want to do something over the weekend is way too late notice in fairness! I hope you have a nice weekend anyway. Make an effort next week to try make plans with some of your colleagues.

Airyfairy12

The Young Wan wrote: »

Last night there were two couple in the house and boy was that an experience.

Anyway. I took someone here's advice and tired to ask the girl of the couple if she would like to do something over the weekend.

"Oh. Sorry i can't. Tomorrow (saturday, so today) I'm going stopping with (male of relationship) and on Sunday we're going to book a holiday together."

Time and effort, TYW. It will take time and effort.

How long does it take to book a holiday? they could atleast make a bit of an effort, its hard to move to a new place and not know anybody. It sounds like theyre one of those couples that are just happy in each others company so it seems like relying on them for friends or a social outlet in pointless and your just going to end up feeling frustrated and even more lonely. Youre really going to have to step out of your comfort zone and look for friends. Look on facebook for groups for other English speakers that get together, like Ireland has Spanish societies and groups for non natives to meet new people, places like Barcelona and Paris have English speaking yoga classes and meet ups, where you are might have something similar, do a bit of research and hopefully you'll find something. Generally the first couple of months are the hardest. Could you give English lessons in your free time? if you do a short tefl course youd be qualified enough to give classes, it could be another way to make friends with some locals.

charlietheminxx

Lots of European cinemas also have English speaking showings or even English language cinemas. Maybe go to one of these? Could be a good place to meet English speakers and if not then you're at least out of the house and entertained for a couple of hours!

Ursus Horribilis

House shares are very hit and miss affairs when it comes to making friends anyway. I've made a few good friends from house shares but I could also give you a long list of people I didn't click with, didn't like much, hardly saw in the house or quickly lost touch with once they left. You seem to be putting a lot of your eggs into the one basket here.

What's the story with the accommodation anyway? You said work placed you in this place so you could find your feet. Are you paying for it? How long is this arrangement for and is there an option to move elsewhere? I don't think you are going to get any joy from trying to befriend these lovebirds. I can only go by what you're telling us but there is a chance they are deliberately excluding you and secretly wish you weren't there? That they're just being polite for the sake of it?

How hard are you looking to find other outlets where you live? Is there nothing locally for English speakers at all?? As in people from the UK, USA, Australia, New Zealand etc? I find it hard to believe that you're living somewhere where there are no English speakers at all.

The Young Wan

Turns out that right now, them being a couple is the least of my woes.

There's a BBQ on this evening for a co-worker's birthday. It was meant to be in a local park but the weather has turned. The two of them offered our place. I found out in a group chat.

Maybe I'm an ultimate d***head but I'd have rathered if they said "oh by the way there's going to be a tonne of people in the house tonight" to me?

Ursus Horribilis

OK, so it was disrespectful of them not to have the manners to mention it to you. It goes to show what sort of people they are and how little you mean to them.

However, this is a fantastic opportunity for you to get to know your workmates and other new people. Put your best face forward, make an effort to talk to people and this could turn out to be a very good thing.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I know it's difficult living with a couple and moving to a strange country not knowing anyone.

It appears from this thread that you're very focused on this couple and maybe feeling resentment towards them? The party for your co-worker in your shared accommodation should have been passed by you first. Have you said it to them? Please do as this will continue to happen. However you can look at the party as an opportunity to meet and get to know new people and potential friends.

In the mean time look into language classes with other beginners, find a local who may want to learn English, try meeting up with other expats and find a cinema showing English language movies?

There are so many ways to meet people abroad but this couple are probably not the answer. You can always move out once you're settled. I moved abroad when I was 21 without a job and not knowing the language and it was the best experience ever.
Please take the advise from the posters here. Best of luck OP.

Ursus Horribilis

I forgot to mention this:
Try not to let your anger at this couple ruin things. I would be absolutely raging if they did this to me but causing a fuss over it would be the equivalent of crapping on your own doorstep. You're working for the same employer and are living in the same place. So no matter where any of you go to live after this, you are going to be socialising in the same circle.

Instead, look at the house where you're living as temporary accommodation until something better comes along. (I assume you're going to have to move out and find somewhere else at some stage anyway, no?) Stop thinking about this couple and do everything in your power to lay the groundwork for that. As I've already said, you've now got an unexpected, gold-plated opportunity to meet a load of your colleagues in a social setting.

cloudatlas

I also kind of live with a couple, well technically even though they don't live together the other half has a key to the flat and comes and goes uses facilities as they please, they also talk in silly 'baby' voices to each other, and once when they invited their friends round I came into chat and they were lying together on the couch stroking each other and kissing while we all chatted like they couldn't wait until later. I feel your pain! I love the flat so I'm not moving.

They are just rude and I wouldn't waste any time with them beside 'hi' 'bye' superficial 'how are you' conversations. I would certainly say it's okay about the BBQ but next time you would like to be included in the decision.

I know it's better to immerse yourself in the culture in a new place but are there any 'expat' groups or 'meetups' that you can join in order to make friends. Are you into any sports? Good news that they are planning a holiday they will hopefully fcuk off for a while and you can have some peace.

Anyone who says it's your fault and you should go smile at them doesn't get how awkward it can feel to try and talk to two people who are half ignoring you and willing you silently to go away.