help with no rules house

newdriverlad

beauf wrote: »

No. They go into the kitchen at 5pm no problem.

You've complete missed the context of time of that example, and how that fits into the pattern of behavior.

Also the concept of child/teenage free time. Even if that is just reading a book without interruptions. That lack of any regular schedule makes that impossible.

TBH I doubt anyone who has no experience of kids/teenager will have an appreciation of the issues here.

I grew up with fairly relaxed parents they was no big deal about routines with either myself or my siblings. We never had an behavior issues in school or at home. The most trouble any of us got into at school was when I left my maths book and copies at home in secondary school one day. I'm with my partner now for a few year and we have a son. She grew up in a house similar to mine.
We using our parents style of parenting with our son and we feel it works. We also knew kids similar to the OP described and they were always in trouble and bother. We found it was because it they had over bearing parents with loads of rules and regulations. The kitchen issue is just so strange to me. It's a shared room in the house in my opinion. We've totally different beliefs in life and we're never going to agree.

Lady is a tramp

Dravokivich wrote: »

But sure... waltzing in and out of a kitchen anytime is a non-issue, so why focus on anything else.

I'd not be too pleased if my son was to treat his mother in such a manner.

I can tell you for an absolute undisputable fact that your son's mother has no issue with him ever waltzing in and out of the kitchen or any other room in the house. At any time of the day.

How is that treating his mother in any "manner"? A child's home is his home, just as much as it is his parent's. If there's ever anywhere you should feel safe and secure and welcome, it's in your own home.

beauf

newdriverlad wrote: »

... We also knew kids similar to the OP described and they were always in trouble and bother. We found it was because it they had over bearing parents with loads of rules and regulations....

The OP situation is blazing rows at home where they have NO rules.

Just because it worked for you, doesn't mean it works for someone else. Here you have an example where it doesn't work.

Dravokivich

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

I can tell you for an absolute undisputable fact that your son's mother has no issue with him ever waltzing in and out of the kitchen or any other room in the house. At any time of the day.

How is that treating his mother in any "manner"? A child's home is his home, just as much as it is his parent's. If there's ever anywhere you should feel safe and secure and welcome, it's in your own home.

I'd be unhappy with him if he was to do the following with you.

Dravokivich wrote: »

He has issues with how they are treating their mother. She can't work at home. She can't have company over. She has to concede to their desires.

This is exactly what the kids referenced by the OP are doing to their mother.

Lady is a tramp

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

I can tell you for an absolute undisputable fact that your son's mother has no issue with him ever waltzing in and out of the kitchen or any other room in the house. At any time of the day.

How is that treating his mother in any "manner"? A child's home is his home, just as much as it is his parent's. If there's ever anywhere you should feel safe and secure and welcome, it's in your own home.

Of all posts ever for someone called "freshpopcorn" to thank. Had to laugh at that.

newdriverlad

beauf wrote: »

The OP situation is blazing rows at home where they have NO rules.

Just because it worked for you, doesn't mean it works for someone else. Here you have an example where it doesn't work.

Ya and I think the OP might be at fault for his need to have lots of rules in place. I'd feel sorry for the children not being able to entering common areas of the house. It just seem way over the top and controlling to me.
I'd be interested in known how were things before he came on the scene.

This is my experience we're never going to agree on the matter. So, their is no point of fighting over it.

beauf

Its like trying to discuss a movie with someone who hasn't seen it.

njs030

I'm a parent of a teenager and I find it utterly bizarre that it's suggested common areas in the house should be restricted.

Op it's their home that you've joined so I suggest first you ask the mother does she want help and then support her in slowly changing her attitude and what she accepts from them without you overstepping boundaries with them.

Secondly if you want privacy go to your bedroom, they are teenagers on school holidays and will be up late and are always hungry!

beauf

lost in hope wrote: »

hi...moved in a couple years ago,,,.

I think OP you have to accept that no one is reading your posts properly.

njs030

beauf wrote: »

I think OP you have to accept that no one is reading your posts properly.

While you have an opinion it's acceptable for others to have a different one isn't it? I don't think you should be shooting them all down by saying no one else had teenagers or when they did accusing them of not reading the op.

He joined their household. It's irrelevant if he did that 2/3/7 years ago, they are a family unit and he joined them and as such he needs to be aware of this and think beyond "his" needs.

beauf

It would make no sense for me to disagree with the idea the rules are too strict in a house that has no rules. So I haven't.
I'm just pointing out, that people are not reading the OP posts properly and/or taking them entirely out of context.

For example the thread title is....

"help with with no rules house"

People are complaining about the rules being too strict in a house that doesn't have any.
That the rules have caused problems with the kids and the OP.
When there aren't any rules and the problem is between the mother and the kids not the OP.

The OP is being blamed for a situation, he did not create or is part of. He is an unwilling observer.

lost in hope wrote: »

...it is very hard to sit and watch/listen to all this

Basically any advice he gives is ignored...

lost in hope wrote: »

...
i just found this astounding after all the chats/discussions we have had about needing some sort of routine in the house....

So basically you all giving out about rules and the OP causing problem. When he didn't set any.

freshpopcorn

beauf wrote: »

I think OP you have to accept that no one is reading your posts properly.

In his first post he says,

her 13 year old just walks threw the front room into the kitchen to do whatever she was doing,im sitting there like wtf this is just not right when do we get that bit of peace knowing that we are not going to be disturbed.

I never heard of somebody having an issue with a 13 year walking into a kitchen in their own house. I just find his attitude strange. Nobody disagrees that their are behavior issues in the house but the OP's attitude is strange.

beauf

You've entirely missed the context of that comment. You keep doing it. So I assume you are oblivious to it.

freshpopcorn

beauf wrote: »

You've entirely missed the context of that comment. You keep doing it. So I assume you are oblivious to it.

Explain it to me?
I'm not the only person on here who has an issue with his attitude to her children using common areas in the house.

Big Bag of Chips

It's the end of June. Our house is definitely not a "no rules" house, but June becomes a very haphazard time here. Children, younger than the teenager could easily be up until close to 11, after it some nights. It's still bright many evenings up until half 10. A child coming in at 9/9:30 wouldn't be that unusual. A 13 year old still up at 11:30 mightn't be ideal, but isn't necessarily a discipline issue either.

With children of that age I think privacy and your own time in the main living room isn't something that you should expect as a given! Especially during the summer months.

But I think this is more than just what time they come in and go to bed.

The only thing you can do is speak to their mother and ask her what she'd like to do. Would she like help. You can't force your ideals on her, and you shouldn't make her feel bad for parenting choices. But if she does need help, and does want your help then you can be a support to her. As her partner you should support her in her parenting. But you don't get to dictate to her on what she should be doing, according to you!

beauf

So the advice here is the OP to retreat to his bedroom, turn on the TV and put wireless earphones on.

Unlock the front door and let them fight it out, and eat junk instead of dinner and scream at each other. Let them come and go at any hour they please.

Basically the kids control the adults.

Armchair Andy

That or GTFO. True tester of a relationship this one.

beauf

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Explain it to me?
I'm not the only person on here who has an issue with his attitude to her children using common areas in the house.

Maybe you could quote where he said he had a problem with kids using kitchen at all times, ditto the garden, bathroom, hallways etc.

mikeybrennan

only read the OP but sounds like you just want the mom and not the kids

Dial Hard

freshpopcorn wrote:

Explain it to me? I'm not the only person on here who has an issue with his attitude to her children using common areas in the house.

Was it not the time of night rather than the room itself that was the problem though?

I think a lot of the OP's issues are being lost as a result of his posting style (sorry OP).

freshpopcorn

beauf wrote: »

Maybe you could quote where he said he had a problem with kids using kitchen at all times, ditto the garden, bathroom, hallways etc.

lost in hope wrote: »

So after all was settled her 13 year old just walks threw the front room into the kitchen to do whatever she was doing,im sitting there like wtf this is just not right when do we get that bit of peace knowing that we are not going to be disturbed.
So is this normal i no my lads at those ages would not be aloud to be doing things like this apart from special occasions and the like.
.

Here he has an issue with the kids using the kitchen and him not wanting to be disturbed by them. I have never heard of a parent or step parent/partner say such a thing.
He says his children wouldn't have done it.

Dial Hard wrote: »

Was it not the time of night rather than the room itself that was the problem though?

I think a lot of the OP's issues are being lost as a result of his posting style (sorry OP).

It was just after 10 pm and this wouldn't be late for a 13 year old.

beauf

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Here he has an issue with the kids using the kitchen and him not wanting to be disturbed by them. I have never heard of a parent or step parent/partner say such a thing.....

You still haven't...

I have to assume you are deliberately miss-quoting.

freshpopcorn

beauf wrote: »

You still haven't...

I have to assume you are deliberately miss-quoting.

I'm not the only person having the issue tough!

beauf

Dial Hard wrote: »

Was it not the time of night rather than the room itself that was the problem though?

I think a lot of the OP's issues are being lost as a result of his posting style (sorry OP).

That's true, his posting style seems to have completely baffled a lot of people.

Its a bit like my leg just fell off and I don't like cats. OMG you don't like cats.

Not just the time or the room. That's just a minor detail of the symptoms. Its the constant lack of respect, and bad habits. Which is causing constant argument and stress. No willingness to improve things.

freshpopcorn

beauf wrote: »

Not just the time or the room. That's just a minor detail of the symptoms. Its the constant lack of respect, and bad habits. Which is causing constant argument and stress. No willingness to improve things.

That's for their mother to deal with more so.
I just wonder when did this behavior start and how are they at school?
I also think the OP needs to chill a little. A kid out playing late and having their dinner in the month of June especially with the weather we've being having is not the end of the world and it shouldn't be mad a massive issue of.

njs030

beauf wrote: »

So the advice here is the OP to retreat to his bedroom, turn on the TV and put wireless earphones on.

Unlock the front door and let them fight it out, and eat junk instead of dinner and scream at each other. Let them come and go at any hour they please.

Basically the kids control the adults.

Is that what's been said? I didn't say that anyway.

I know that both myself and bboc have suggested he talk to the mother of the children and ask her what she would like to do and what support he can give her in dealing with the issue.
Perhaps you didn't see these posts or you're deliberately ignoring them?

I did suggest it he wants privacy the bedroom is a better place than a sitting room when it's the summer holidays, I don't know any teenagers that have strict 10pm don't leave your room bedtimes tbh!!

beauf

mikeybrennan wrote: »

only read the OP but sounds like you just want the mom and not the kids

Probably wise stopping at the OP

Could be. Though I don't think he would have committed a couple of years in the relationship if that was true. As a parent himself, he knew what was involved with kids.

That said kids vary enormously. You have have 3 healthy angels and the 4th be entirely different. The first 3 would not prepare you for the 4th.

jimmycrackcorm

beauf wrote: »

Probably wise stopping at the OP

Could be. Though I don't think he would have committed a couple of years in the relationship if that was true. As a parent himself, he knew what was involved with kids.

That said kids vary enormously. You have have 3 healthy angels and the 4th be entirely different. The first 3 would not prepare you for the 4th.

I think it might be more a case of the OP has his own experience of rearing kids and now finds himself as a fish out of the water in this new situation. It's easy as a parent to draw the line with your own born, but the line is a bit faint in a situation where you aren't even their adoptee parent, probably not married, and moved into their home.

iguana

beauf wrote: »

As a parent himself, he knew what was involved with kids.

That's balls. All kids are different, all adults are different, so a dynamic that works in one family won't work in another. Or even a dynamic that works with a first child won't work with a second because neither child is identical in personality. The OP knows what worked for his children, but that doesn't mean he knows how to raise anyone else's children. Or what's involved with being a step-parent introduced into the life of two children and upending the life they knew.

I have to say in terms of the scenario described in the OP if I ever had a partner who acted as if my son was unwelcome in the kitchen of his own home. My newly ex-partner would be quick to have to find himself a nice private kitchen all of his own, elsewhere. It's my responsibility as a parent, first and foremost, to provide a home for my child for the duration of his childhood. No-one would ever, ever be allowed to live here if they acted as if they have more rights to any room of the house than he does. And if someone moves into a child's house and acts in a way to make the child feel unwanted like the OP describes, then it's no surprise whatsoever that the child would act badly at other times. Feeling unwanted in your home is extremely damaging to the child and is a far more likely cause to the bad behaviour the OP describes than anything else in any of his posts.

beauf

notjustsweet wrote: »

... myself and bboc have suggested he talk to the mother of the children and ask her what she would like to do and what support he can give her in dealing with the issue....Perhaps you didn't see these posts or you're deliberately ignoring them?...

I don't see how I'm ignoring it, I've already quoted the OP comments related to this...

lost in hope wrote: »

... i just found this astounding after all the chats/discussions we have had about needing some sort of routine in the house...... this is not just tonight but all the time over so many things.
im at my lowest point in our relationship.

I don't really have any thing else to add to this. If hes been discussing it for a couple of years, and the GF has not changed anything. I'd lay odds its unlikely to change with more discussing it. I don't really know why people would suggest discussing further. Perhaps they assumed it was only a recent relationship, and hadn't been discussed comprehensively previously.

Like people assumed the OP had set rules. When they hadn't. Because they misread the comments.