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help with no rules house

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    #62
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,648 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    beauf wrote: »
    As a parent himself, he knew what was involved with kids.
    iguana wrote: »
    That's balls. All kids are different, all adults are different, so a dynamic that works in one family won't work in another. Or even a dynamic that works with a first child won't work with a second because neither child is identical in personality. ....

    Is there a reason you selectively quoted to take my comment out of context.
    beauf wrote: »
    ...

    Could be. Though I don't think he would have committed a couple of years in the relationship if that was true. As a parent himself, he knew what was involved with kids.

    That said kids vary enormously. You have have 3 healthy angels and the 4th be entirely different. The first 3 would not prepare you for the 4th.

    ...I mean seriously...


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    #63
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,034 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Well the only advice that can be offered is discuss it with his partner, accept it, or leave.

    Telling him how wrong it is, or how disrespectful it is, or how the 9 year old should eat his dinner at 6 and be in bed by 9:30 and the 13 year old should be in bed by 10, is not going to change the situation for him.

    As an advice forum, posters offer advice. Just posting agreeing with a poster doesn't always help a situation, especially a situation where you are depending on a change in the behaviour of another person.


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    #64
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,648 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    jimmycrackcorm wrote: »
    I think it might be more a case of the OP has his own experience of rearing kids and now finds himself as a fish out of the water in this new situation. It's easy as a parent to draw the line with your own born, but the line is a bit faint in a situation where you aren't even their adoptee parent, probably not married, and moved into their home.

    I assume that's why hes going via the mother and staying on the sidelines.

    I think the general consensus seems to be there's nothing he can do. So has to decide if he can remain in a such a stressed living situation. Perhaps he should move out to his own place so he gets his own space and can still maintain some form of relationship.


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    #65
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Mod:

    All the reported posts - sheesh!

    Can everyone take a step back and calm down and stop being at each other's throats? It's Friday night. Schools out for the summer... I really don't want to start handing out cards and bans and all that.

    Lets see if we can give the OP some practical and helpful advice here - being a stepdad can be tricky.


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    #66
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,648 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    Well the only advice that can be offered is discuss it with his partner, accept it, or leave.

    Telling him how wrong it is, or how disrespectful it is, or how the 9 year old should eat his dinner at 6 and be in bed by 9:30 and the 13 year old should be in bed by 10, is not going to change the situation for him.

    As an advice forum, posters offer advice. Just posting agreeing with a poster doesn't always help a situation, especially a situation where you are depending on a change in the behaviour of another person.

    Blunt but true.

    I don't think the issue was simplistic as eating dinner at set time. But the bigger picture of not eating a prepared dinner and eating junk at any time. Even that was only part of a on going issues. Straw, camels back and all that.

    I'm not sure who is agreeing with the OP. I was just pointing out people are not reading his comments properly. I think hes tried but its not going to work out if there has been no improvement in a couple of years.


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    #67
    Dravokivich
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Music Moderators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,360 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dravokivich


    I think there's 2 things going on in this thread that's aiding to a number of people misrepresenting the OPs concerns.

    1 - people are caught up in a perception that the OP is an invader into that household.

    2 - they are paying very little attention to what the OP is saying. And getting caught up in their own responses.

    Just as Beauf has done sparingly, I could have rebutted every response I saw with comments already made by the OP.

    The overall issue is how the children act towards their mother. They've got no respect for her at all and she's attempted to establish her position and it failed.

    People going on about it's summer. He's already said the issue isn't just "tonight"

    People saying the kids should eat their dinner whenever. They are ignoring the dinner their mother made,snacking as it's going cold and eating it much later. Them those dishes have to be cleared out, cleaned up and put away. If not late in the day, first thing in the morning, otherwise they'll be sitting all day. This may sound like a little thing, but it's a minor way if keeping someone serving under you.

    Their mother occasionally works from home. They interrupt any calls she makes that's work related. This can have an impact on her career.

    Their mother has company over, they consistently disrupt it. Whenever she concedes to what they are looking for, she seems to do so under immense frustration. This is going to reduce the desire of any friends to come over and impact on relationships she has outside of the household. The OP is finding it particularly off putting himself when he sees it happening.

    Can everyone just re-read OP's posts in this thread? Forgetting about the replies, or even the replies quoted in his own responses.


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    #68
    freshpopcorn
    Registered Users Posts: 30,558 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn


    Dravokivich wrote: »
    I think there's 2 things going on in this thread that's aiding to a number of people misrepresenting the OPs concerns.

    1 - people are caught up in a perception that the OP is an invader into that household.

    2 - they are paying very little attention to what the OP is saying. And getting caught up in their own responses.

    Just as Beauf has done sparingly, I could have rebutted every response I saw with comments already made by the OP.

    The overall issue is how the children act towards their mother. They've got no respect for her at all and she's attempted to establish her position and it failed.

    People going on about it's summer. He's already said the issue isn't just "tonight"

    People saying the kids should eat their dinner whenever. They are ignoring the dinner their mother made,snacking as it's going cold and eating it much later. Them those dishes have to be cleared out, cleaned up and put away. If not late in the day, first thing in the morning, otherwise they'll be sitting all day. This may sound like a little thing, but it's a minor way if keeping someone serving under you.

    Their mother occasionally works from home. They interrupt any calls she makes that's work related. This can have an impact on her career.

    Their mother has company over, they consistently disrupt it. Whenever she concedes to what they are looking for, she seems to do so under immense frustration. This is going to reduce the desire of any friends to come over and impact on relationships she has outside of the household. The OP is finding it particularly off putting himself when he sees it happening.

    Can everyone just re-read OP's posts in this thread? Forgetting about the replies, or even the replies quoted in his own responses.

    1. To me the OP could be an invader to the household and could have upset the household.
    2. Maybe the OP partner has no issue with when the kids eat dinner or what time she does the was up? I know it's not an issue all parents care about. Some do and others don't. It's clearly an issue to the OP but is it to his partner?
    I think certain posters are ignoring the fact the OP has never said when did this behavior start. Is it behavior since he came on the scene or was it always present.
    Clearly the OP partner herself have issues with her children but these are up to her to deal with but I think the issues that bother the OP and her partner may be different.


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    #69
    LionelNashe
    Registered Users Posts: 1,961 ✭✭✭LionelNashe


    Dravokivich wrote: »
    .......

    He has issues with how they are treating their mother. She can't work at home. She can't have company over. She has to concede to their desires.

    But sure... waltzing in and out of a kitchen anytime is a non-issue, so why focus on anything else.

    I'd not be too pleased if my son was to treat his mother in such a manner.

    If they were really the issues, they would have been what the OP mentioned in the first post. He only brought those up when he was challenged on the pettiness of his original concerns, which was a kid eating his dinner on his own schedule, taking food from the press by himself, and a 13 year old walking in to her own kitchen.

    Every family is different. Some parents are controlling, some aren't. Some kids are told what to eat, when to eat it, what time to get up, what time to sleep, when they can go outside, when they can & can't watch television. They're told they can't answer back, that the adult's word is law. It doesn't have to be this way. Kids who are given more freedom (and respect) will do just as well in life if not better.

    OP, you raised your two kids differently than your girlfriend has raised hers. I think you need to get it out of your head that your way is the correct and proper way, and that her way is wrong. As the kids get older the whole set of relationships within the house is going to evolve and change anyway. You're sacrificing what could be a lifelong relationship by trying to impose your idea of how things should be over another equally valid way of doing things.


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    #70
    gordongekko
    Registered Users Posts: 5,301 ✭✭✭gordongekko


    What's the issue with rules? Both the kids and the adults know what's expected. Add in a reward system for the kids (only a temporary measure) so they know what's expected of them. The rewards can be traded in for an event that all the family can take part in like all going to a movie or a fun fair.


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    #71
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,648 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    This is a house with no rules or routine and lots of problems.

    Some People think that's preferable to any alternative.


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    #72
    freshpopcorn
    Registered Users Posts: 30,558 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn


    gordongekko wrote: »
    What's the issue with rules? Both the kids and the adults know what's expected. Add in a reward system for the kids (only a temporary measure) so they know what's expected of them. The rewards can be traded in for an event that all the family can take part in like all going to a movie or a fun fair.

    Theirs none. The OP hasn't clarified nothing tough. The kids mother mightn't want the same rules as the OP for starters.


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    #73
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    beauf wrote: »
    The crux of the issue is the kids have no routine and no discipline. Which is causing constant conflict. Some people don't want constant arguing in their lives.
    The mother is setting herself up for some very difficult teenage years. If the nine year old is out late at this age, image what he'll be like when he's 14/15/16. He's not going to suddenly start listening to his mother when he's been allowed do whatever he wants all his life.

    Op if your girlfriend doesn't get the kids used to discipline and routine now, it's only going to get worse. You reap what you sow. You've already raised your own kids and I can see this being a huge issue. You and your girlfriend are at complete ends of the spectrum when it comes to parenting and ultimately only she can be the one to chose how she parents her kids. You might be better off cutting your loses as she will always chose her kids over you (and rightly so).


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