26years pining.....

WorldCup1990

I cannot believe it that I'm finally letting the world know how I feel. Names have been changed.

When I was a young (20) apprentice carpenter in 1989 when I was working in a house in Dublin for one day, I met a girl I fell instantly in love with the moment I set eyes on her. She wasn't even close to me but at the other end of the room... how could this be I asked myself.

I was just there for the one day working but I couldn't get her out of my head the entire weekend, I asked friends what should I do. They were all of the opinion I should just leave it and I'd get over it, sure how else was I gonna meet her again.

I really had incredibly strong feelings so I plucked up the courage, bought tickets to a show and some flowers. That dark evening I knocked on her parents front door and the look on her mums face was priceless. I didn't even know whether she had a boyfriend...!

She came half way down the stairs embarrassed but she said yes she would go out with me on a date. I was shaking like a leaf...

We became inseparable over the following year and had the most wonderful times together being through the world cup 1990 in Dublin etc. together. We were on cloud 9 planning our life together, we discussed marriage, where we'd live, we even looked at houses etc

As we moved into 1991 she mentioned travelling to the UK for nursing as all her plans to do it in Ireland were impossible at the time...... she finally made the move with her friend who had also applied. We were both heart broken but I was gonna finish my apprenticeship and move over in about 2 years.

She wrote to me several times a week but I struggled with hand writing and only sent one or two letters to her, even though she asked in her letters for me to write back. I think she though I didn't care, the truth couldn't have been more wrong. Finally I noticed a change in pattern of her letters and I panicked and flew over. I was too late she had been so angry with me for not writing it had lead to mild resentment. She told me that it was ending..... We went on holidays together a couple of months later as a couple but she then she split up with me about a month after that.

About a year later she spotted me in the street, stopping me, we went for coffee but my strength of feeling were so strong it was beyond belief, I didn't let on, maybe I should have.

When we split up her mum said that someday we'd be back together, maybe in 10 - 12 years as she had seen how much I'd meant to her over the previous two years. I guess I really hoped that too.

Moving on I had a few girlfriends before I met my now wife, who I love very much & have a wonderful family with, however the pining still goes on and I just don't know why.

Much as I try to forget her it still bothers me. I don't remember when but my wife says she rang out of the blue about 15 years ago after we were married.... I do remember some of the conversation though...

Right;

Onto this week, I've not known whether she is alive or dead, living in Ireland or.....?? & this has been bothering me for several years. So I did it again at almost 50 years of age. I knocked on her parents front door to ask after her. I had the same feeling that I had all those years ago, shaking like a leaf, what the hell would her parents think after nearly 30 years......! They must think I'm insane...!!

I don't want to get back with her, I just need to know that someone that had such a profound effect on me was happy. Her mum brough me in for tea and we had a great chat, it's been 26 years since I was in that house & it was like I never left. She's married with kids and still living abroad.

I left her house saying to her mum don't tell her I called, she laughed and I said, I'm not gonna even get to the end of the road am I. Nope she said

The when I left I could finally mourn her, I knew we'd never likely see each other again and I've suffered like I've lost a close friend to death. I've cried my eyes out for losing her to my neglect in writing letters.
I still have the letters she sent me but I've never looked at them and a few photos of us kids from nearly 30 years ago.

I'm happy with my life and she's happy in hers and nothing would make me risk making my or her family unhappy because of my stupid pining and love for her.

I didn't leave my number or address, she'll find me on Facebook if she want's to but I won't be taking it any further.

Maybe someday in our 90's we might finally get a chance to reunite but for now I just have my memories from my 21st where we spent the evening together as I came from a broken home who didn't care......

Always in my heart....

bmwguy

Good story. Bit Hollywood but if it's real fair play to you. Could you not find her online any way?

WorldCup1990

I wish so much it wasn't true, but it's 100%, Ive cried again as I read back through it and saw your reply....

I've seen so many triggers this week it's off the scale, everything from a particular toothpaste in a house I stayed in to the company where her father worked on telly last night. There has been at least 6/7 triggers since Sunday, it's nuts....

She has , 3 brothers and one sister none of whom have an online presence..... I did check occasionally. I don't even know her married surname & didn't ask.

bee06

Are you looking for advice?

For what it's worth, if I was your wife I would be so hurt to think you had been pining for this woman for the last 26 years and that you had gone to see her parents recently.

December2012

Are you sure you're pining for her? It could be that you miss that time of your life, your youth, your future, back to a time when it seemed as if your whole destiny and future were ahead of you?

WorldCup1990

December2012 wrote: »

Are you sure you're pining for her? It could be that you miss that time of your life, your youth, your future, back to a time when it seemed as if your whole destiny and future were ahead of you?

Yes I'm sure many suffering mid life crisis have those feelings but I've had them continually for 26years, since 1991..... so I'm fairly sure it's real for her.

I wish i'd been able to move on previously but I've not been able to put closure on it. Visiting her parents house and hearing she's happy has helped a lot.

I've already lost a few of the lbs I've put on over the years due to the easing of that stress, I guess I've replaced it with a slightly different type of stress, losing someone close so to speak, but as I spoke to my wife on the phone the other day I realised that although I do miss that girl that my life is wonderful and I do love my wife & family.

I'm not sure I can describe the stress of not knowing but I was eating me up on the inside and TBH I'm not getting any younger, I've lost a few people to illness and accidents the last few years and it could be me next.... who knows...

While it was eating me in the inside I was stress eating which seems to have eased already this week.

Who knows how these things happen but I'd be all ears to hear how others would deal with it as, as I've said I've tried for many many years. You can BS all you want about just leaving it behind you but unless your living it you have no idea. It has taken me nearly 2 years to get the courage to call to that house, I've parked outside a couple of times but chickened out. I just bit the bullet this week.....

Big Bag of Chips

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

It has taken me nearly 2 years to get the courage to call to that house, I've parked outside a couple of times but chickened out. I just bit the bullet this week.....

Would you like your wife to see these words? I know for you she's your 'one that got away', but you claim to love your wife and family. So concentrate on them.

This pining for someone, parking outside her old family home, calling in etc.. it all sounds like the actions of a teenager. Not a man in his fifties.

Sorry, OP, but if you love her, truly love her then you should break up with your wife and follow your heart with this one. It's not fair on your wife to (unwittingly) be second best for all these years. Let the chips fall where they may....


...... Or cop on.

Hannibal_Smith

I like the story. It's nice to think you meant so much to someone.

I'm not sure what advice you're looking for? But every now and again the past can come back at you and when it does there are triggers everywhere. Just control them. They're not signs, they are normal humdrum things that you wouldn't normally notice and you're only doing so now because it's on your mind and your senses are heightened.

It will pass as it has done so before.

WorldCup1990

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Would you like your wife to see these words? I know for you she's your 'one that got away', but you claim to love your wife and family. So concentrate on them.

This pining for someone, parking outside her old family home, calling in etc.. it all sounds like the actions of a teenager. Not a man in his fifties.

Sorry, OP, but if you love her, truly love her then you should break up with your wife and follow your heart with this one. It's not fair on your wife to (unwittingly) be second best for all these years. Let the chips fall where they may....


...... Or cop on.

This lack of understanding is exactly what I was talking about...

I cannot say I have not thought long and hard about trying to find her directly, but it was the not knowing that was eating me up the most.

And do you think I like having my wife as second best, it's not something I do consciously, it's just there a lot of the time no matter how hard I tried not to.

I fu*king hate the pain and the upset all the time and as I've said previously I wish it would stop.
Now that I've made some peace with it, it does seem to be easing somewhat.

I guess I've lived a "what if" scenario for all those years and now finally I can say it's over as I go through the mourning process for her.

I know I will likely never see her again and I'm accepting the fact that she has 'died' in my heart.

And how can you not love one more than another, I'm sure those of you who have kids love them all equally, with one slightly favourite although you'd not really admit it....!!

You'd do anything for your kids and that is the feeling I've had for this woman all these years.

Big Bag of Chips

What "lack of understanding"? And why is it important that we understand? Your life, choices, feelings etc have zero affect on any of our lives!

You're making excuses, and I don't really understand what advice it is you're looking for?

Why not end it with your wife?
Why not explain to her exactly how you have felt for 26 years and see what she suggests?

Just because people aren't patting you on the back and saying "there, there" doesn't mean they don't understand. I'm sure most of us have had a "one that's got away". I'd say many of us have one that we look back on and think "what if". But, we realise the one that got away, got away for a reason. If she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. If she wanted to make a relationship work, you'd have both found a way. She moved on and hasn't looked back. She might think of you fleetingly. But I highly doubt she is pining after you like you are her.

Why do you need us to understand how you feel? I honestly don't know what you're looking for here. You know your feelings. You know how much time you've spent thinking about her all these years. Your wife is the one I feel sorry for most. Do you have any understanding of the lack of respect you're showing her? A grown man acting like a teenager. Seeing "signs" everywhere you go? Do you care that you look at your wife as second best?

What is the question/advice you are asking?

Colser

If she turned up tomorrow and said she felt the same way you do what would you do...would you leave your wife ( leave children out of the equation)?

tea and coffee

Who's to say that you guys wouldn't have broken up anyway at some stage?

bilbot79

Think folks should stop judging on this thread.

Aspadeaspade

Long live love

MintyMagnum

A while back my mother got a call from a friend crying, the love of her life had just died. They had dated over 40yrs ago. He broke it off as he had 'no prospects' & couldn't offer her a 'good life'. They both went on to marry other people.

Hannibal_Smith

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

This lack of understanding is exactly what I was talking about...

I cannot say I have not thought long and hard about trying to find her directly, but it was the not knowing that was eating me up the most.

And do you think I like having my wife as second best, it's not something I do consciously, it's just there a lot of the time no matter how hard I tried not to.

I fu*king hate the pain and the upset all the time and as I've said previously I wish it would stop.
Now that I've made some peace with it, it does seem to be easing somewhat.

I guess I've lived a "what if" scenario for all those years and now finally I can say it's over as I go through the mourning process for her.

I know I will likely never see her again and I'm accepting the fact that she has 'died' in my heart.

And how can you not love one more than another, I'm sure those of you who have kids love them all equally, with one slightly favourite although you'd not really admit it....!!

You'd do anything for your kids and that is the feeling I've had for this woman all these years.

If you weren't absolutely over this other woman, you would have acted on it long before now. I honestly think it's regret you're suffering from rather than 'the one who got away ' syndrome. There is a difference. Things ended with your girlfriend sooner than it probably should and you blame yourself. But from the other side, to break up in the 90s because of poor letter writing is not a strong reason. It was the 90s not the 50s. Weren't there telephones? It's the old age version of a girl breaking up with you for not texting enough. You don't know what was going on in London. It's quite possible she found someone else, or was enjoying her life over there so much she didn't want to face the past and to ease her own guilt for moving on, she found this flimsy excuse to turn the blame on to you?

You are not responsible for the break up. I don't believe, from the little I know from your posts, that it's down to poor letter writing. Let the guilt and regret go. It's such a shame you've suffered this long with it and you couldn't move on before now. But presumably things are fine in your own world? As I said before let the triggers fizzle out. They are not signs. You're torturing yourself.

amtc

Is it not a mid life crisis? I really don't think you should have followed through on. A simple wishing this person well 'through the cosmos' should have been sufficient.

We all have the one that got away. The love of my life ...not the guy I was with the longest or the most serious...moved to the uk in mid 2000s. I cried literally for months. In work last year his brother happened to work on a project and O simply asked how he was...married with two children. I just said say hi. Now I must say I went home and had a little sob. But it wasn't to the extent where I felt the need to get in touch!

HalloweenJack

I think it's normal to think about exes and wonder where they are now, especially if you had a relationship which affected you so deeply. I know I frequently think of my exes and wonder what they're up too. It's just curiosity about people who were important parts of my life.

However, "pining" for someone for 26 years while you've gone on to have a wife and family in that time and the extreme physical reaction it has drawn from you, such as the stress eating and the crying as well as parking outside her parents house several times and actually going up to her parents' house is not healthy. It's obsessive. If you are not going to try to pursue this woman in any way, get yourself to a doctor and see if they can sort your head out because it sounds like a horrible way to be living your life and to have done so for 26 years.

Also, what did you hope to accomplish by visiting her parents? If word got back to your wife that you'd been seen parked outside someone's house several times, how would you explain it to her? Also, have you ever mentioned all this story to your wife? Maybe she'd be able to help you, though I can't imagine she wouldn't be upset.

WorldCup1990

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

break up in the 90s because of poor letter writing is not a strong reason. It was the 90s not the 50s. Weren't there telephones?

Yes there were telephones, when she lived in Ireland the phone calls were one charge no matter how long you spent on the phone and I was able to use the phone in my mothers house. many many evenings we spent 4-6 hours shooting the breeze on the phone when we couldn't meet up.... Our relationship was not built on sex we had a much deeper connection, we just loved being in each others company, just sitting on the sofa or walking holding hands, and yes there was some sex, but our relationship was more than that.

When she moved away I had to use the local payphone a mile form the house and we spoke once or twice a week but the cost was very high, 2 hours pay for less than 10 mins..... but I still couldn't write letters....


She told me that she got up every day hoping there'd be a letter from me and felt very let down.... she was so disappointed she got angry with me..

I still struggle with writing to this day...


There are other comments about, parking outside the parents house, yes a couple of times for 5 mins before failing to muster the courage to knock.

Anyway I know it's been unhealthy and I have really tried to get it out of my system, this week has helped a lot, I'm finally getting to closure on this part of my life.

I sobbed again today driving my car to work as I finally let go and come to terms with the fact we'll likely never see each other and love again like we did.

And would I try even harder to meet up and spend some time with her?, sometimes I wish I had had the guts if I thought it would work out, that is how much it hurts...... Stupid I know....

This has been simmering for many many years and I know I need to get it out of my system. It's all very well judging me as a bad person but this is how I feel and I have had no control over it much as I've tried, including counselling for it and other stuff.

This week was as much about knowing she's happy and me being able to finally leave it behind.

tea and coffee

I think it doesn't help that her mum really likes you, and possibly thinks that you were the one that got away from her daughter. All the positive signs seem to be from her mum.
You rushed over to London but she wasn't impressed. You subsequently went on holidays together which might have re-cemented things again but she broke up with you a month later- that surely wasn't still due to the lack of letters at that stage.
I understand you're harking back. But I'm in agreement with other posters: it's a rose tinted look into the past when things were simpler, you were younger.
It's very possible it may not "have been " at all anyway for many reasons. Certainly she hasn't contacted you in any way.
Only you have control over how you feel and if visiting her mum has given you some closure then that's good.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you could do with talking to your GP about this. This has gone far beyond the normal "if only..." thoughts many of us have from time to time.

farmchoice

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

Yes there were telephones, when she lived in Ireland the phone calls were one charge no matter how long you spent on the phone and I was able to use the phone in my mothers house. many many evenings we spent 4-6 hours shooting the breeze on the phone when we couldn't meet up.... Our relationship was not built on sex we had a much deeper connection, we just loved being in each others company, just sitting on the sofa or walking holding hands, and yes there was some sex, but our relationship was more than that.

When she moved away I had to use the local payphone a mile form the house and we spoke once or twice a week but the cost was very high, 2 hours pay for less than 10 mins..... but I still couldn't write letters....


She told me that she got up every day hoping there'd be a letter from me and felt very let down.... she was so disappointed she got angry with me..

I still struggle with writing to this day...


There are other comments about, parking outside the parents house, yes a couple of times for 5 mins before failing to muster the courage to knock.

Anyway I know it's been unhealthy and I have really tried to get it out of my system, this week has helped a lot, I'm finally getting to closure on this part of my life.

I sobbed again today driving my car to work as I finally let go and come to terms with the fact we'll likely never see each other and love again like we did.

And would I try even harder to meet up and spend some time with her?, sometimes I wish I had had the guts if I thought it would work out, that is how much it hurts...... Stupid I know....

This has been simmering for many many years and I know I need to get it out of my system. It's all very well judging me as a bad person but this is how I feel and I have had no control over it much as I've tried, including counselling for it and other stuff.

This week was as much about knowing she's happy and me being able to finally leave it behind.

no you dont, your writing actually stands out as being of an unusally high standard for boards.....

marklazarcovic

you really really should concentrate on what you have,which by your own admission is great, and not on a fantasy,it will destroy everything you and and your wife have and it will never ever recover if she finds out.


or finish with your wife and let her find someone who appreciates her,it seems your only thinking of yourself.

kylith

You've romanticised this woman so much in your head, OP, that even if the stars were to align in the morning and ye could be together there's no way she could ever live up to the idea you have of her.

Maybe ye'd have been happy together forever, or maybe she'd have developed a drinking habit, or cheated on you with your best friend, or left you cos you were crap in bed, or developed a gambling addiction and financially ruined ye. Maybe she wipes her snots on the sofa, or chews with her mouth open, or insists on pronouncing it 'pacifically'. Maybe your house would have caught fire the week after yer wedding and both of you would have been killed.

You need to get over the idea of this woman that you have in your head. Perhaps talking to a counsellor would help. And, to be frank, referring to your wife and mother of your children as 'second best' is shameful.

woodchuck

OP the woman you knew doesn't even exist any more. She's bound to have changed over 26 years, as we all do naturally.

You need to leave the past in the past. You're both married and nothing is ever going to happen with this woman.

LegacyUser

All I can think of is an ex did this to me, it would make me extremely uncomfortable. To be thought of in an almost obsessive manner is slightly worrying OP.

You are looking for some advice on here so here goes:
– You need to live in the now, not 26 years ago.
– You are trying to resurrect something that simply does not exist except for in your head, its actually bordering on a fantasy but you seem determined to make it happen.
– You need to accept that old relationship is completely over and stop searching otherwise you will ruin your current marriage. How would you feel if your wife behaved like with over an ex of hers? Imagine who hurt you'd feel, its not fair on your wife to treat her like this

– You've idealised this woman and put her and the relationship on a very high pedestal. Over time she's become this picture perfect ideal. The relationship ended for a reason and she moved on, why cant you accept it? If ye both really loved each other you wouldnt have let each other go 26 years so just stop torturing yourself.

– This ex has more than likely changed beyond recognition, she might be happily married with kids and has no notion of entertaining your fantasy. She may never even give you a second thought since the day ye broke up and moved on with her life. She may be horrified that you turned up at her parents house.

– Going to her parents house is obsessive, you seem determined to seek her out, this isn't healthy or normal, its kinda of worrying.

– Another aspect to this.... you are pining after your first love maybe because you’re unhappy about something in you current relationship or life but are afraid to confront it. Its avoiding whats really going on in your life by focussing solely on this love from 26 years ago.

OP you may get in touch with her but real life isn't Disney land... you are married.
Just take a big step back and figure out whats really going on in your life.

Good luck.

Neyite

I had a 'one that got away' and I know my partner had too. It's natural enough.

I never pined, but I did idly wonder often what my ex was up to, was he happy, did he ever regret our break up and all that. He contacted me on FB some years ago and from reading some of his updates, I confirmed what I'd already suspected - that he and I just would not have lasted long term as a couple. I still think highly of him - of course I do - that relationship was a nice time in my life.

Maybe it's the unknown that's driving this. Maybe long term you would have had a spectacularly awful break up and heartbreak and end up hating each other but you never got to that point. So the rose-tinted glasses are letting you believe you missed out on something and that you both would have been happy together. But it's not real. It's based on a fantasy that you and she would have been happy based on the brief snapshot of when you were kids.

I've an ex from my late teens that came back over a decade on. I broke up with him because I didn't have those feelings for him. I was 19 at the time and he was very upset. But when he came back when I was 31 to tell me how much he missed me, it made no sense to me - I was a very different person in my 30's to when I was in my teens when he knew me so he wouldn't be getting that old girlfriend he missed back.

It's not real. What is real is your wife and your kids. Stop to think about what you might be unravelling here - your wife being hurt and doubting your relationship. You need to move on.

stuboy01

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

When she moved away I had to use the local payphone a mile form the house and we spoke once or twice a week but the cost was very high, 2 hours pay for less than 10 mins..... but I still couldn't write letters....


She told me that she got up every day hoping there'd be a letter from me and felt very let down.... she was so disappointed she got angry with me..

OK, Listen, I met a girl in 97 a few months before she was leaving for Australia for at least a year. To say we hit it off would be an understatement. she offered not to go to australia, I told her no, to go and have a great time. while she was there she wrote regularly. I never wrote back because I was just crap at that kind of thing. and E-mail was not a thing for me at the time really so that avenue was out too. So, no contact AT ALL.
needless to say, when she was gone I missed her and realised how much we had connected etc.
but I continued with my life, had a (very) diverse love life and I assume she did too.
then one day a friend of mine said Jane (not real name) is arriving back in ireland today. will be in the local tonight etc.
we met, she bitched at me for not writing back. and we got back together that night. It was great.

what I'm trying to say is: Not writing letter/s to her was NOT a reason to not have a relationship. Yes she was dissapointed I never wrote, but really didn't care as long as we both felt the same way about each other.

As big bag said, not sure what you're looking for here, but if she really wanted to be with you and was as mad about you as you think you were about her, you would both have found a way to be together. she would have come back to Ireland or you would have followed her over and pursued her after the break up.
Neither of you did, which leads me to believe that you were both not as head over heels as you think you were.
If you were that in love NOTHING would have stood in your way. It seems you let a small issue become a barrier and let it go. Maybe she wanted to test you at the time to see what would you do. woudl you give up everything in Ireland and follow her or something like that. You Didn't.

I don't want to be harsh, but from what I can see you ended this relationship by not showing her how much she meant to you at the time. Not by not writing, but by not following her over even a few years later.

I have a friend who's wife left for London for nursing too in the late 90's. devastated, he dropped his entire life and went after her, and made London work for him. it's their 10 yr wedding anniversary this week.

If it means that much, you make it work.

FWIW I have loads of great exes that meant amazing things to me, I'm friends with them all on facebook now, they all have families. and I'm delighted for them. I'd say there are about 3 that could have ended up as my wife and we would have had a great relationship.
but that doesn't diminish my actual wife, and I wouldn't put any of them ahead of my wife. they were great at the time and its great to think back to what I had with all of them.
but that's all it is.


Jaysus, I only meant to write two or three lines.

WorldCup1990

woodchuck wrote: »

OP the woman you knew doesn't even exist any more. She's bound to have changed over 26 years, as we all do naturally.

You need to leave the past in the past. You're both married and nothing is ever going to happen with this woman.

I know she doesn't exist any more., that's why I'm trying so hard to put it behind me.... this I hope is part of the healing process.

Ursus Horribilis

I don't think this thread is going to solve your problems though, do you? You need professional help in my opinion. You've not healed in 26 years.

stuboy01

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I don't think this thread is going to solve your problems though, do you? You need professional help in my opinion. You've not healed in 26 years.

I have to agree here, this is not a 'what might have been' moment. it seems to be a real 'my life is a lie' kinda feel to it.
You mentioned a 'healing' process, i suggest you get a little help talking that out, I don't think you'll find this a substitute for a few sessions with a trained professional
you might find some more peace of mind that way. all the best.

rondog

OP
Disregard all the negative comments here about you needing to cop on etc.Boards.ie is full of perfect people with their perfect lives who wouldn't dream of acting on normal human feelings.
I was in a similar situation.Met a girl 3 months before she was due to take off on around the world trip with her mates.We fell in love.She offered to stay but the thoughts of me preventing her from enjoying the trip of a lifetime were too much.I said go to her even though every part of me wanted her to stay.I visited her 6 months into her trip and we had the best month ever.When I came back I said id save and follow her over but when I got back in fell into a routine.Id assume she would come back but she got a great job offer abroad and didn't return.We lost contact and other people came and went.I finally met a girl who I feel in love with and am with still after 8 years.I never really got over the original girl.Years went by and like you I pined to meet her again.I built her up on this pedestal and always wondered what life would be like with her if I had chose that route.I thought about her every day.
Years went by and I heard she was back intown.I was very nervous and thought all the feelings would come back but after meeting her,the romantic memories of being free and travelling weren't there any more.She was married and time had taken its toll.I realized that what I held onto were the romantic memories of travelling,seeing he world and being free.
We met ,had a great catch up but reality hit and I realized that my current partner was everything I needed and all that pining and 'What if'  thoughts left me.I became much happier and content with my life.
What im saying Is,maybe you should meet up ,ask her folks where she is and just say you were in town.meet for a catch up and let her know your situation just so she doesn't think you are trying to re-kindle anything.
MAybe after your chat you will see things differently and be able to get on with things in a happier manner.

Tigger99

Or he could meet her and want to rekindle things.

OP it's far from healthy to be thinking this way and I think you are acknowledging this by starting the thread. Talk to your gp as a first step.

Big Bag of Chips

rondog wrote: »

OP, ask her folks where she is and just say you were in town.meet for a catch up and let her know your situation just so she doesn't think you are trying to re-kindle anything.

She's married, abroad. So he's hardly likely to be "in town" and just happen to bump into her/look her up. "Let her know [his ]situation, just so she doesn't think [he is] trying to rekindle anything"? But that's exactly what he would contact her in the hope of doing! He's even admitted to hoping that one day in their old age they'll be back together again.

She has had plenty of opportunity over the years to look you up if she so wished. She hasn't.

Honestly, OP, your options are

- end it with your wife and go looking for her, hoping that she will also walk out on her marriage for you.

Or

- get a grip of yourself and realise you have built another life, which involves many other people who stand to be very hurt if you continue to carry on like you are.

Those are your only options, because carrying on as you are isn't an option. It's incredibly unfair to the family you have built. It's been 26 years. I don't know how better to advise "cop on" than in those words. But leave and pursue her, or stay and cop on, that's all you can do.

You can't stay and continue to pursue her which sounds sort of like what you want people to tell you is ok to do.

RhubarbCrumble

For God's sake leave the poor woman and her family alone and stop stalking them. You need serious help OP.

Hannibal_Smith

You are not responsible for the break up, it was a two way thing. I can't believe to people who meant as much as you say to each other could break up in the 1990s because of communication issues. I was around in the 90s. Although UK calls were expensive, you could have worked it out better. Your relationship wasn't deep at all if it couldn't survive this issue.

Either way. Raking over the coalso 27 years later is not an option. Let it go. There is nothing in it. It is in the past. You need to get control of it and live in the now.

Airyfairy12

I had an ex come back a few years ago, he begged me to get back together with him, he said he loved me so much and wanted to spend his life with me, he regretted our breakup and everything reminded him of me, the worst thing he ever did was lose me and he needed me back in his life. He was genuinely pinning to the point of obsession since I had ended it with him, he ended up in a deep depression and everything so I decided to give it another chance, fast forward a year we broke up and within 9 months he was in a relationship with a leggy blond with big boobs who he's still with today. Point is he had the exact same feelings youre having now only difference is we did get back together and look how it worked out. It's never the fairytale ending you think it'll be. Reality is very different.

Youre ruminating over these thoughts and feelings and have dug yourself a hole so big you can't get out of it. You have idealised this relationship beyond belief. There is no way she was ever the perfect, ideal woman you have pictured in your head. Youve fantasised so much over the years about her youve become completely out of touch with reality. Chances are you would have broken up anyway as if it was going to last in the first place it would have or you both would have made a stronger effort to keep the relationship going.

When my parents were young and started going out in the early 70's my dad got a job in Germany and my mam spent some time working in Wales, they continued to contact each other through whatever means possible. Before moving to Wales my mam used to walk to the other side of town to use the payphone to call him. If youse wanted to keep in contact, you would have.

I know this is very emotional for you and its been difficult to accept but you are being delusional and have been for a very long time, youve just allowed it to spiral out of control and take over your life, thoughts can be very powerful. Im not trying to be condescending or belittling of your feelings, im sure those feelings are very real, they just might not be based in reality.
Getting in touch with a good qualified phsycotherapist could be a huge benefit to you, for your own happiness and wellbeing so you can put this to rest and look to your future.

unknowngirl!!

I feel so sorry for your wife and family.

bee06

OP, a lot of people have talked about the impact this will have on your wife and family if she found out. I've read back over your replies and not once have you recognised or acknowledged that fact. It's all me, me, me instead.

Not only is your wife and family 2nd best to this little fantasy you have built for yourself you seem to actually have forgotton they are the real people in your life.

jimmycrackcorm

bee06 wrote:

For what it's worth, if I was your wife I would be so hurt to think you had been pining for this woman for the last 26 years and that you had gone to see her parents recently.

unknowngirl!! wrote:

I feel so sorry for your wife and family.

A good wife would understand that this isn't about that person. It's about a period in time and a life experience that the op went through.

Everyone of us who is the same age or older than the op thinks back to something wonderful from our youth. I even recall having a conversation on a journey with my late dad asking him about women before my mum. He told me a fantastic romantic story about someone but ended up saying that as wonderful as it was, he wouldn't have had me our my siblings and there was no comparison.

bee06

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

A good wife would understand that this isn't about that person. It's about a period in time and a life experience that the op went through.

Everyone of us who is the same age or older than the op thinks back to something wonderful from our youth. I even recall having a conversation on a journey with my late dad asking him about women before my mum. He told me a fantastic romantic story about someone but ended up saying that as wonderful as it was, he wouldn't have had me our my siblings and there was no comparison.

The OP isn't thinking fondly back on something that happened. He's been wishing he was with her for 26 years.

Big Bag of Chips

.... And he's hoping that some day the stars will align and they'll be together again.

unknowngirl!!

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

A good wife would understand that this isn't about that person...

A 'good wife' surely deserves a good husband? Not a husband who is pining after someone else for 26 years...

If he was my dad and I read his posts I'd feel so hurt and cheated. If I was his wife I'd feel regret for wasting my life with someone who wanted someone else.

WorldCup1990

Look there is no need to say things like I feel sorry for your wife and kids etc. This not something I actually have control of, although I do and have tried, proof of that is the fact it has taken so so long to bring it up and finally put it to bed.

On a previous post they mentioned my ability to write, yep since I learned to type I am better but my disability is handwriting..... to this day, it's very easy to correct here on the keyboard.

I'm feeling so much better about it as the week goes on but I'm only now beginning the mourning process...... It's not something I was able to do before as I had hope in the beginning that just never left. Now that I've moved on it it does seem to be easing.

Unless you have lived it it is impossible to explain, as I said I sobbed yesterday morning but although I had an exceptionally stressful day in work yesterday I was much better driving home in the evening.

We were/are both very caring people and that's part of the reason we hit it off so well, however my wife always has done indifference to me very well, many many times I was emotionally abandoned/let down by her over the years, including on honeymoon, imagine being on honeymoon and wondering why you married a woman...... and that has NOTHING to do with the previous girlfriend.....!

I've love her but sometimes I find it hard to forgive her for that abandonment over the years..... So in a sense part of my pining was caused/heightened by the abandonment..... Things have improved over the last few years but it's still hard. So if you want to feel for anyone maybe it's me.

i'm sorry if people are judging me here but I'm trying so hard to put it behind me and concentrate on building my life with my family and moving forward.

I know the entire thing is mental but I'm trying so hard, & do you not think I know I need to "cop on" & thanks to those who have been positive with their comments, now sobbing again.......

Lead

The drama of all this. You had no control when you called into her parents house? You're now mourning? I'm sorry but you need to cop on to yourself. This is madness carry on for a 50yr old.

Airyfairy12

You really should try to take some responsibility for yourself and lose the self pity and poor me attitude. Youre not the first person to have gone through a breakup or lost someone they cared about, its a part of life, everyone goes through it. There are people who have lost their entire families.
Youre still holding a grudge against your wife over something that happened on your honeymoon, you sound incredibly difficult.

Please take the advice given to you on this thread and talk to a psychotherapist. Not a counsellor.. I mean doctor of psychology who will be trained to deal with your level of mental health issues and can provide you with the correct medical treatment. Its very clear you need more than just a chat with someone an hour every week.

Your refusal to accept any responsibility for yourself or your behaviour, your delusions, your emotional immaturity and the level of upset this is causing you is not normal. I'm not saying this as an attack or to hurt your feelings, im saying it so you will hopefully get the help you so obviously need.

WorldCup1990

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

You really should try to take some responsibility for yourself and lose the self pity and poor me attitude. Youre not the first person to have gone through a breakup or lost someone they cared about, its a part of life, everyone goes through it. There are people who have lost their entire families.
Youre still holding a grudge against your wife over something that happened on your honeymoon, (NOT JUST HONEYMOON for many many years....) you sound incredibly difficult, (far from it, otherwise I'd have given up years ago....!!)


Please take the advice given to you on this thread and talk to a psychotherapist. Not a counsellor.. I mean doctor of psychology who will be trained to deal with your level of mental health issues and can provide you with the correct medical treatment. Its very clear you need more than just a chat with someone an hour every week. ( I think I know that)

Your refusal to accept any responsibility for yourself or your behaviour, (I do, hence being here) your delusions, your emotional immaturity and the level of upset this is causing you is not normal (I'm trying to deal with it). I'm not saying this as an attack or to hurt your feelings, im saying it so you will hopefully get the help you so obviously need.

I'm trying so hard

Neyite

I think there might be something bigger going on here OP - maybe some sort of crisis or you've hit a wall or whatever. Your emotional state at the moment is not good. Would you consider talking to someone - like a GP or counsellor? I really think you need it.

WorldCup1990

I've had this bottled for 26 years, no one ever knew the suffering I was putting myself through nor did I let it effect my family life & I've never sought help for it....... until now when I've decided to try really hard put finality on it so I can stop suffering.....

The only one this has affected is me...... and it hurts so much as I finally try to end the suffering... Stupid I know, but I really have no control over these feelings.....

Penny Tration

The fact that a woman you dated quite briefly is causing you heartbreak for 26 YEARS is why people are telling you to seek professional help. Your thoughts about this situation are not those of a mentally stable, healthy man.


You need to seek help because with help, you WILL be able to control those thoughts. You, your wife and your family deserve that.

LegacyUser

I think people are being somewhat hard on the OP. What he is suffering from is the same thing that inspired Fitzgerald to write the Great Gatsby, that fuelled Dante’s the Divine Comedy. Fair enough if you’ve never suffered from it, indeed, count yourself lucky. I have and it’s awful. It is a terrible thing to know on one hand that you hold unrealistic feelings for someone else and yet to also be consumed by those feelings. It is a paradox and it is extremely difficult to reconcile.

Firstly, I think you can love two (or more) people at the same time. Indeed, until about 2,000 years ago monogamy was not widespread. Some historians believe it dates back to when Rome needed to ensure stricter population controls to ensure they had a properly organised army. In Ireland, Brehon law allowed for multiple spouses (as did most legal systems prior to the codification of law under Roman rule, Ireland, not being colonised by the Romans had longer lasted traditional laws). In areas where the Romans never colonised having multiple spouses was still widespread until relatively recently. Monogamy is an artificial construct that doesn’t suit a lot of people.

Secondly, neurologists are increasingly able to isolate the chemicals involved in romantic attachment. When we speak about relationships we are in fact speaking about two different things. One is the narcotic high that accompanies all relationships in their earlier days. This feeling fades over about 2 to 3 years. The second part is the deep friendship that grows over this time, so that when the narcotic effect wears off you still have a functioning relationship. It strikes me that the OP never got over the first part of this process, the narcotic phase, because the relationship did not end in a normal fashion for him.

Thirdly, anthropologists have documented numerous primitive tribes with different relationship models. Again, this highlights how recent our modern conception of relationships are. It is perfectly possible to miss someone for a long time and still love someone else. Indeed, it’s arguable that that is how we are wired. In Ireland, in particular, we have a binary approach to relationships (either/or) but that is a very limited view on the full scope of human relationships.

Fourthly, Jung put forward the theory that every individual has an idealised point in their past, as does every nation (as a nation inevitable reflects its populace). We are designed to have these feelings very early in childhood but it’s likely the OP has transferred this feeling to the relationship he had 26 years ago. Imo, many of us carry with us a sense of loss that we can’t articulate and therefore transfer onto experiences we can relate it to. You might have made this relationship the vehicle to carry feelings that aren’t as related to it.

OP, you seem very focused on how poor your handwriting was back then, but is it possible that you are really saying how hard you found it to express yourself in a written form back then? Have you tied the break-up to a more deep seated lack of confidence about your education or ability? You come across as articulate to me but it’s unusual you seem so bothered by your handwriting.

Culturally you could look at the words hiraeth in Welsh or saudade in Portuguese, they convey a certain sense of loss that can be implicit in the human condition, imo. (perhaps they convey a loss for a home you know that could never have existed).

Anyhow, as someone who has been where you are (and maybe still am), though not over as a long period, I would suggest you investigate your feelings. I have read dozens of books on relationships to try and understand it. I have spoken to people in the industry (neurologists and psychiatrists) to understand human connection. It is a deeply fascinating area of science, and one that is changing all the time. I am in a very happy relationship now, but I do meet the one that got away occasionally and I still get that feeling of a conversation never quite finished, a love that didn’t fully blossom but never really withered either. It is a paradoxical feeling but it’s fine, it’s just part of my nature.

Frankly, I’m appalled at some of the comments here. A person has come with a deep issue and been paid back by strangers with spite and ridicule. I am lucky to have a job that allows me interact with experts in this area and some of the comments are needlessly dismissive imo.

OP, you strike me as guy who needs someone to talk to, perhaps counselling of some sort would help? Good luck, and remember what you are feeling isn't wrong, it's something that has inspired artists since art began.