26years pining.....

Hannibal_Smith

The more you explain, the more I wonder whether your holding on to memories of your girlfriend is simple escapism. When times get difficult you are brought back to a time where you felt totally calm and then it twists in to guilt because you think you're responsible for losing that calmness.

It's easy for people to say cop on or move on, but people operate in different ways and situations affect every one different. There's a possibility that you're not pining for a lost love, there's a possibility you're depressed with the life you're in and, as I said, you're using the time with your ex as a mental crutch. If that sounds feasible then it's for sure worth talking to someone. Even if it's to finally air everything.

WorldCup1990

Suadadeperhaps? wrote: »

I think people are being somewhat hard on the OP. What he is suffering from is the same thing that inspired Fitzgerald to write the Great Gatsby, that fuelled Dante’s the Divine Comedy. Fair enough if you’ve never suffered from it, indeed, count yourself lucky. I have and it’s awful. It is a terrible thing to know on one hand that you hold unrealistic feelings for someone else and yet to also be consumed by those feelings. It is a paradox and it is extremely difficult to reconcile.

Firstly, I think you can love two (or more) people at the same time. Indeed, until about 2,000 years ago monogamy was not widespread. Some historians believe it dates back to when Rome needed to ensure stricter population controls to ensure they had a properly organised army. In Ireland, Brehon law allowed for multiple spouses (as did most legal systems prior to the codification of law under Roman rule, Ireland, not being colonised by the Romans had longer lasted traditional laws). In areas where the Romans never colonised having multiple spouses was still widespread until relatively recently. Monogamy is an artificial construct that doesn’t suit a lot of people.

Secondly, neurologists are increasingly able to isolate the chemicals involved in romantic attachment. When we speak about relationships we are in fact speaking about two different things. One is the narcotic high that accompanies all relationships in their earlier days. This feeling fades over about 2 to 3 years. The second part is the deep friendship that grows over this time, so that when the narcotic effect wears off you still have a functioning relationship. It strikes me that the OP never got over the first part of this process, the narcotic phase, because the relationship did not end in a normal fashion for him.

Thirdly, anthropologists have documented numerous primitive tribes with different relationship models. Again, this highlights how recent our modern conception of relationships are. It is perfectly possible to miss someone for a long time and still love someone else. Indeed, it’s arguable that that is how we are wired. In Ireland, in particular, we have a binary approach to relationships (either/or) but that is a very limited view on the full scope of human relationships.

Fourthly, Jung put forward the theory that every individual has an idealised point in their past, as does every nation (as a nation inevitable reflects its populace). We are designed to have these feelings very early in childhood but it’s likely the OP has transferred this feeling to the relationship he had 26 years ago. Imo, many of us carry with us a sense of loss that we can’t articulate and therefore transfer onto experiences we can relate it to. You might have made this relationship the vehicle to carry feelings that aren’t as related to it.

OP, you seem very focused on how poor your handwriting was back then, but is it possible that you are really saying how hard you found it to express yourself in a written form back then? Have you tied the break-up to a more deep seated lack of confidence about your education or ability? You come across as articulate to me but it’s unusual you seem so bothered by your handwriting.

Culturally you could look at the words hiraeth in Welsh or saudade in Portuguese, they convey a certain sense of loss that can be implicit in the human condition, imo. (perhaps they convey a loss for a home you know that could never have existed).

Anyhow, as someone who has been where you are (and maybe still am), though not over as a long period, I would suggest you investigate your feelings. I have read dozens of books on relationships to try and understand it. I have spoken to people in the industry (neurologists and psychiatrists) to understand human connection. It is a deeply fascinating area of science, and one that is changing all the time. I am in a very happy relationship now, but I do meet the one that got away occasionally and I still get that feeling of a conversation never quite finished, a love that didn’t fully blossom but never really withered either. It is a paradoxical feeling but it’s fine, it’s just part of my nature.

Frankly, I’m appalled at some of the comments here. A person has come with a deep issue and been paid back by strangers with spite and ridicule. I am lucky to have a job that allows me interact with experts in this area and some of the comments are needlessly dismissive imo.

OP, you strike me as guy who needs someone to talk to, perhaps counselling of some sort would help? Good luck, and remember what you are feeling isn't wrong, it's something that has inspired artists since art began.

Thank you so much for your input, I think you may be onto something. It's so nice to hear if someone who actually understand what I'm suffering.

And I'm sobbing again...

I will gets chance of a fuller response later.

eurasian

Man....such a story. I hardly held my tears. Hope you found relief.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, please go get professional help. My worry is that you're going to convince yourself that starting this thread and the visit to her parents house the other day is going to solve your problems. I get the impression that what you've told us is the tip of the iceberg and that there are many issues that need to be worked through with a professional who's trained to do so. If any good has come of this at all, it's that you want to call a halt to your suffering.

Aspadeaspade

Suadadeperhaps? wrote: »

I think people are being somewhat hard on the OP. What he is suffering from is the same thing that inspired Fitzgerald to write the Great Gatsby, that fuelled Dante’s the Divine Comedy. Fair enough if you’ve never suffered from it, indeed, count yourself lucky. I have and it’s awful. It is a terrible thing to know on one hand that you hold unrealistic feelings for someone else and yet to also be consumed by those feelings.

Wonderful and refreshing insight and reply! Everyone should get off their high horses and stop criticising OP. Evidently none of you have ever really deeply fallen for someone. It sounds like most of you got married and 'settled' which is typical in the mediocre society we live in today..

Airyfairy12

Aspadeaspade wrote: »

Suadadeperhaps? wrote: »

I think people are being somewhat hard on the OP. What he is suffering from is the same thing that inspired Fitzgerald to write the Great Gatsby, that fuelled Dante’s the Divine Comedy. Fair enough if you’ve never suffered from it, indeed, count yourself lucky. I have and it’s awful. It is a terrible thing to know on one hand that you hold unrealistic feelings for someone else and yet to also be consumed by those feelings.

Wonderful and refreshing insight and reply! Everyone should get off their high horses and stop criticising OP. Evidently none of you have ever really deeply fallen for someone. It sounds like most of you got married and 'settled' which is typical in the mediocre society we live in today..

I dont think its about people being on a high horse, some replies have been much less sensitive than others but the general response from posters was to encourage the OP to get professional help and theres nothing wrong with that. Im in counselling myself theres no shame in it, we all have things to work through, the op has let this spiral over 26 years and its all coming to a head now where its hugely affecting his quality of life.

sadie1502

Definitely professional help. You really need some sort of help and I mean that with the best of intentions. Whilst I do try to see your struggle my heart goes out to your wife. I hope you get the help you need. Good luck.

wylo

I mean this also in as compassionate a way as possible. Please do see a therapist. 26 years of an obsession is not based on anything healthy or real.

Whatever is underlying in all this, its not about that woman or your handwriting etc, or the break up. Its about something much deeper, a void, etc. You still have lots of time left to really enjoy the rest of your life with your family and be more grateful than you've ever been, where you can genuinely put that issue behind you.

I cant stress enough that I really dont think is about that girl at all.

She may have provided you with things that at the time you badly badly needed, more than you realised, and maybe with some help you may see that your current life can offer you just as rich wonderful feelings.

I think its worth it, for you and your family!

Big Bag of Chips

Aspadeaspade wrote: »

Evidently none of you have ever really deeply fallen for someone. It sounds like most of you got married and 'settled' which is typical in the mediocre society we live in today..

Which funnily is exactly what the OP has done!


Look, OP, it's clear that you couldn't have the one you wanted to you tried to move on and love someone else. Relationships are hard, marriage is hard. They're not all sunshine and lollipops. In order for a relationship to last long and survive through various trials it needs to be strong and it takes effort on the part of both people.

You think "if only" whatever, that you would have lived happily ever after with your true love. That's not guaranteed. If it was ever going to be a happy ever after story, it would have worked out. It would have taken a lot more than lack of letters to break you up.

There is every chance that she met someone else while she was in the UK, and decided a relationship with him was a better option than a relationship with you, and she found something to use as the excuse.

You are obsessing over something that may never have ever existed. If you genuinely want to get over this, if you truly want to move on, then you need to accept professional help to do so. It's been 26 years, clearly you can't do it without proper help.

Your wife mightn't be perfect, but few people are. Your ex isn't perfect either. And a marriage to her would have certainly brought its own difficulties. All marriages go through hard times. Living with someone 24/7 is always going to bring challenges. Your wife is no different to your ex in that regard.

People have suggested you get help. I think that is the only advice anyone can really give you now.

leggo

I'm glad people are as cynical as me, I read the OP's post and had the same vibe as most but thought I'd come across a buzzkill.

The problem with people romanticising here is that it's pure delusion. It's stuff out of movies that doesn't work in real life. If this was a rom-com, people would be crying and saying it's beautiful. That's a story, though, and it's meant to be just that: a story. One of my favourite hobbies if I get stuck watching a rom-com with a girl is picking it apart for how it would be in real life, because that's how far from reality this stuff is. But this is real life, so realists have to deal with the fact that people have been lied to and could have their lives torn apart.

The fact that you've held onto this, in the real world, suggests an inability to process real emotions and move on, which isn't uncommon but the fact that you've done it for over two decades is problematic because now this woman isn't even the same person you were in love with! The fact that you've acted on it suggests a lack of self-awareness and ability to reason out a situation and handle it maturely. The fact that you're rationalising this, frankly, worrying behaviour as the call of 'true love'...well...it makes it a bit delusional.

Here's another thing: this is a bit of an all-or-nothing move. She's either gonna break down and declare that she feels the same or...she's gonna think it's really weird. You know her Mam called her, she said she would. And it's not the 90's anymore, it's a lot easier to find someone now (she probably pulled up your Facebook while she was on the phone to her Mam). So this girl, a different person to the one you knew and now effectively a stranger, is probably freaked out and worried you're unhinged and going to harass her Mam further. That's how I'd be tbh. Think about that OP and maybe it'll snap you back into the reality of the situation somewhat.

I'm sorry OP. I'm not trying to have a go at you or even chastising you for your poor wife and kids. I am trying to help you but I think trying to mourn this relationship years on is missing the point. The point is that this runs deeper and you should learn to recognise the reality that all of this is in the past and your dalliances and inability to handle that can cause genuine devastation for people you love around you. So, instead of focusing on her, focus on why this is a core issue to begin with and deal with that. Get help in processing stuff that happens around you and live in the moment. Then, and only then, will you truly feel better.

Ursus Horribilis

Has anyone here been romanticising though? I thought the general vibe here is that he's pining for something unrealistic. Some have told him to cop himself on, others have urged him to seek professional help. Am I missing something?

WorldCup1990

Okay,

Where to begin.

I came from a broken home with a violent mother (reason dad left) who would deny and blame others. It was such a negative place to be & I had and still suffer from self esteem issues.

I meet E........, falling for her on first sight, to this day I cannot explain it, I stressed the entire weekend before plucking courage to go back and knock on her door. Which to this day is the maddist thing I ever did....

We connected so so deeply and it was the love I didn't get at home i guess. I cycled to get house in the most appalling winter conditions almost weekly.

We truly loved each other, the she moved away, the strength of feelings I the letters was clear.
I was and still an a coward when it comes to lots of stuff so moving out of even a broken home and to Scotland was beyond me.

I reread some of the later letters this week for the firstt time in all those years to see where I went wrong.
I guess now looking back I went a bit rebellious. I did stufd a bit mad, nothing to serious but I know it upset her as it was in her letters (I'd forgotten) along with the lack of my letter writing.

I've had councilling over the years for other stress and anxiety issues but even to the councillor not been able to tell them about this pining and questioning my marriage and being able to live life.

I've often contemplated ending my life but cowardice and caring about upsettign others has prevented it, I carried one bullet for a few years but eventually gave it to my local priest.... I was in the FCA so access to the weapon wasn't a problem.

This is ****ing ridiculous I know but it has always gone back to E......... and the strength of feelings.

So I know there is severe criticism here and feeling sorry for my wife etc. But I'll reiterate I do my damndest to not let it effect me.

I did try to break up with my wife prior to getting engaged/married but was convinced by her and many that I should stick with it and it'd get better. It has been good the last while but for many years I was very unhappy due to the indifference lack of caring.

The last couple of weeks I've ended up near the other girls house working and it has bothered me for years I didn't know whether she was alive or dead. I'm not stalking her like some suggested but just trying to get closure.

It was cowardice that had me sit outside a couple of times before getting the courage this week.

I really really want to move on, bu the love for a woman who was the first one that really cared about me is still very strong.

I'm struggling to cope this week and have dug out the anxiety meds..... the posts giving me grief here have been difficult and sometimes make me want to rebel and do the opposite (contact her directly) but thanks again to those who have understood and put positive stuff my way.

I hope i can get better.

leggo

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Has anyone here been romanticising though? I thought the general vibe here is that he's pining for something unrealistic. Some have told him to cop himself on, others have urged him to seek professional help. Am I missing something?

I meant more in terms of OP himself and people comparing the OP's story to The Great Gatsby than the, largely, consensus view.

leggo

OP in terms of your post, did that feel better to share and help you understand? It's totally relatable that you seek the affection of the first person who truly loved you, in much the same way some people would spend their lives looking for validation from parents who may have been distant/abusive. That's likely the period when you felt safe and like your needs were met for the first time, so anytime you'd feel off-kilter it'd be natural to want to go back to that, especially with a past that shows you how things can go when they go the other way too. It actually backs up a lot of what people have been telling you here too.

This is exactly the kind of stuff you should talk to a counsellor about. There's nothing wrong with you. I feel people have handled your post fairly, but also would understand if you felt like you were getting treated like a bad person when you're not. These feelings are natural when contextualised, but they're also not healthy or helpful to your current life. So I'd recommend going back to counselling and spilling it all in a safe environment where you can be honest. You're not a monster and you shouldn't keep this bottled up any longer. Get it out of your system and learn to move forward instead of looking back. Good luck OP.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, please don't just dig out your anxiety medicine. You badly need to talk to someone and be very honest about what's going on here. It would be helpful if you printed out your posts from this thread and brought them along. if you find it difficult to open up and be honest like you've been here, it'd give them something to work with.

Hannibal_Smith

Why wouldn't you mention this to your counsellor?

I think it's really sad. I think it's sad how your home life was and it's sad how you've viewed the situation with E. It's sad she broke up with you. But Ive said it a million times before in this thread, the break up wasn't all your fault. I've had some really sh*t times in my past believe me. In my 20s I totally acted out. I drank, I partied, I sank to low depths. And all the way through this my husband stuck with me. We were 18 when we met and he has seen me through some really crazy times when I really wouldn't have blamed him for walking. But he didn't. If he had, I would probably have felt like you and felt I screwed up the only good thing that came my way for a very long time. I was/am very very lucky.

So I say again, stop blaming yourself. Learn to ignore the triggers, let them fade. Don't let them make matters worse. Talk to your counsellor again, who can help you when your brain is going a mile a minute.

Big Bag of Chips

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

So I know there is severe criticism here and feeling sorry for my wife etc. But I'll reiterate I do my damndest to not let it effect me.

We it's not working. You might try to convince yourself that but you have mentioned crying, loss of appetite, comfort eating, suicidal thoughts over the years.

That is most certainly affecting you. And unless your wife is completely oblivious she's going to notice. You say you felt let down by her, but there is every chance she was also picking up some sort of vibe from you and unsure how to manage it and maybe avoided you, because she felt you avoided her. It sounds like a cycle. You simply cannot be in a happy relationship with someone while all the time wishing you were with someone else. No matter how much you try to deny it or hide it, it will seep out.

I think come sort of individual counselling for yourself along with marriage counselling for you and your wife would go along way towards help you both. You are not happy in your marriage, not really. If you're not happy, then it's very unlikely that your wife is blissfully happy and walking around in innocent ignorance! You've "settled" for her as another poster pointed out and you've built a family together. So now you have to make the most of that choice and make every effort to make it work. Which includes going to counselling and actually talking to each other. I'd say you'd be very surprised to hear her version of your marriage!

People saying they feel sorry for your wife doesn't exclude them from feeling sorry for you too. The situation is hardly ideal for anyone involved. But you, up to a point know what you're doing. You know how you're feeling. You know what's going on in your head. Your wife whilst she must sense something is not quite right has no idea what the real truth of her marriage is. That's why people feel sorry for her. People feel sorry for you because you have spent half your life pining for a life that doesn't exist.

You might never get over her, but you do need to learn to live with the life you have, and the path you have chosen.

WorldCup1990

Thanks for all the replies and comments, so from all that I've ascertained that i should leave my wife and family and go off and find E...... & her family, expect her to give up ÈVERYTHING and live happily ever after with me.....!

Or I'm bat sh1t crazy and I should talk to a councillor, this is the first time I've ever I've really let it out and put down in words how I've felt.

As said before it was so so deep I couldn't even admit to my councillor that I was unhappy in my marriage and was missing E....... so so much.

I couldn't even be truthful in counciling as it would have meant I'd failed..... I was afraid of what others might think & my self esteem couldn't handle that. I always switched away from the questions of happy marriage with a yes everything is fine.

I'm really struggling and trying to accept the mourning but I still want to see her again.....

I will speak to my GP this week and I will print out the thread, although that printing will bring risks.......!

In my dreams i wish it was like the movies and E....... & I would fall into each other's arms weeping for the lost years together.
Remember she was the one who contacted me 10+ years after we split initially.......

I would never do that to my family and It'll never happen and I will seek counciling.

Emme

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

We were/are both very caring people and that's part of the reason we hit it off so well, however my wife always has done indifference to me very well, many many times I was emotionally abandoned/let down by her over the years, including on honeymoon, imagine being on honeymoon and wondering why you married a woman...... and that has NOTHING to do with the previous girlfriend.....!

I don't agree. Perhaps your wife sensed that your heart wasn't in the relationship with her and has just gone along with the marriage hoping that you will love her more. I get the feeling that you emotionally abandoned her and you have let her down big time by putting more emotional energy into memories of a past relationship than into your marriage.

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

I've love her but sometimes I find it hard to forgive her for that abandonment over the years..... So in a sense part of my pining was caused/heightened by the abandonment..... Things have improved over the last few years but it's still hard.

She's the one who should be forgiving you. I think she's a saint for putting up with it all. She has to have sensed deep down that your heart is not in the marriage.

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

So if you want to feel for anyone maybe it's me.

I suggest that you talk to your GP and see about going for counselling. If you get a good counsellor he or she will steer you though the process of coming to terms with your feelings and help you decide whether you should end it with your wife. She is not getting the best of you. This is the woman who gave you children and a family life. She deserves better. Either get well for her or get well enough to set her free.

Calypso Realm

Actually I'm wondering why you didn't contact her when she got in touch 10 years after you split? Also had she known beforehand you were already married? Just how much does your wife know about E?


I' believe the catalyst (although it may not be strictly speaking if your wife has always believed she was second choice but that's not clear here, so I'll reserve full judgement until you answer my last question) here is your own unhappy marriage. People in satisfying, fulfilled relationships do not hanker after past loves. Full stop. All things considered and leaving E out of the equation, it doesn't sound as if you two were not a good match on some levels, at least.

WorldCup1990

Okay, I've finally figured some of it out, I've had a lot of time to think.

I wrote a full response on my phone and it didn't submit.... pain in the a$$ so I'll try again.


Anyway, I've given my GP who I'm friendly with the link to this so he I'm sure has read it. I also discussed with some very good friends some of what I was going through, and they were great, recently I've been exhausted, stressed and tired so this has once again all bubbled to the surface....

I've not been sleeping well with the stress of this and work....

So, what and how is this the case, it finally clicked yesterday why I still miss her so much after all the years, as said we'd likely be very different people and may not even like each other and if we'd stayed together God knows waht would have happened. Maybe we'd have ended up hating each other but at least I could deal with that.

So why do I have it so bad....?

The trauma of her leaving initially left me lost and lonely and I guess I rebelled quite a bit, I became a different person, less patient which ultimately pushed E...... away from loving me so so deeply.

I on the other hand NEVER stopped loving her and it's always been there eating me up, mostly I can keep it under control but when I'm tired etc the strength of feeling comes back to the surface. But it's always there, almost daily... So I guess in my head the relationship never really ended, I still in my fupped up mind expect it to be okay and we'll then move on when she comes home from her training.

The only thing we likely have in common now is a relationship from nearly 30 years ago.

I do love my wife and family but I've never ever loved someone like I loved E..... more than life itself!

As said in my OP it was instant, she was the other side of the room and the strength of emotion I suffered by just saying hello is and was the most intense thing I ever had...... she blew me away..

I cannot explain it and will never be able to do so but she was the one in 3 billion......! Unless you've experienced "love at first sight" you will never understand.

So, now what to do, I'm wondering if hand writing a letter to her is a good idea, I haven't written a letter since 1991, the last time I wrote to E.......
It would have to go via her mum as I don't have any contact details, I think I would like to meet her again, it may help me put closure on it if I see her as she is now but not as I remember her.
TBH I'm not sure I'd be able to have any stronger feelings for her that I currently have so seeing her as a 50 year old not the 22 year old I remember might help me put it into perspective.

Trouble is, that she rang my mum for my phone number 11 years after we broke up (funny her mum said to me when we split she could see us rekindling our relationship in 10- 12 years in our mid 30's) so something was obviously bothering her then.......

WorldCup1990

Calypso Realm wrote: »

. All things considered and leaving E out of the equation, it doesn't sound as if you two were not a good match on some levels, at least.

Chalk and cheese.... I hate letting people down and especially hurting them so I never had the guts to break up.. I did try a few times but she convinced me not to....

Things are better now and I've learned to love my wife but, I love her but I was never really in love like I think I should have been. I know she loves me, maybe even (not quite) as much as I love/d E......

WorldCup1990

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Actually I'm wondering why you didn't contact her when she got in touch 10 years after you split? Also had she known beforehand you were already married? Just how much does your wife know about E?

She knows about E... there are two old photos in a very old album that occasionally gets taken down by the kids..... so even the kids know about her, they don't know my feelings about the situation.

Why I didn't pursue it was the same reason, I was expecting a child and she was also married. I wouldn't do that, as I said I'm a committed person, even when unhappy, probably because I'm a coward, I would fear the unknown even more. Other wise I'd have followed her to the UK and who knows what life would have brought. It's just now I find that the roads seem to be merging again.....

I know it's likely stress/tiredness related, but it hurts like hell.......

Big Bag of Chips

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

So, now what to do, I'm wondering if hand writing a letter to her is a good idea,

No, it's not.

And if this IS something you think you should do, then you need to discuss it with your wife before you do it.

What would be your intention? What would you write? What would be your expectation once you sent the letter.

You have a wife and family. They might not be the wife and family you've always wanted, but as the saying goes 'you've made your bed'.

You should not pursue this woman in any way while you are still in a marriage. If your marriage is not happy, work on that. Go to counselling, or decide you have to walk away. Contacting this woman is not going to do any good. None. I cannot stress how hugely disrespectful you are being to your marriage.

But you honestly don't seem to care!

Somebody reading just those last few posts wouldn't even know you were married, or a man in your 50s. It reads like a lovesick teenager.

You need to work this out somehow.... But that somehow isn't by sending her a letter. I'm guessing you wouldn't be honest in the letter anyway. You might 'fluff' things a bit, or not be quite so honest about your feelings, so what's the point?

Please, try to figure this out some other way. Do not make contact with her.

Edit: Seriously, contacting her isn't going to give you 'closure'. If you are not 100% honest UN your letter, then she might think it's an innocent communication, from someone she was fond of 30 years ago. So she replies.. friendly, breezy, telling you about her family, asking about yours, never for one minute suspecting that after almost 30 years you are still pining. So then what? She replies? Because if she gets a letter shed hardly likely to tell you to fk off, so you won't get closure that way. You reply again? You try to strike up a friendship? All the while you desperately desperately wish you could be with her, and now it's worse because she is now an active (sort of) part of your life? And you are losing yourself deeper and deeper.

Please, don't do it.

Colser

What did your friends make of your story,did they offer any advice?

You've already called to her mother so she's obviously aware of that..why don't you call again ,ask for her number and contact her...I'd say they're both well aware that you didn't just happen to be passing by the last time you visited.

This is going to just go around in circles and you'll waste another 20+ years.Personally I think it's an obsession but who knows maybe there's something to it and she'd like to hear from you bearing in mind that she looked for your number previously.What did happen that day,did your mother give her the number,did all this kick off since then?

I really feel for your wife but I think she'd be better off without you as this has to be affecting her and yet she doesn't know what your issue is...

I also think that if you really wanted to contact E it would be very easy...what is actually stopping you?

leggo

This is getting unhealthy OP. There's having feelings and blocking them out so they never develop, but then when you share them and are met with almost consensus agreement that it's a bad idea, and you still veer away from common sense. You don't love this girl. You're in love with a ghost. And cheating on your wife by writing a letter chasing a person you don't know is not the answer to your problems.

pc7

Please please do not write to her, you really need professional help. Hopefully your gp can point you in the right direction.
No good can come of writing to her, she doesn't answer means you're devastated. she does and it doesn't go how the fairytale you picture is in your head is and you are devastated. It does go how you secretly wish, your wife and family is devasted (as they would be if they knew you wrote the letter).
How about writing the letter and then burning it, see it as a release and then let go. Honestly this is NOT normal healthy carry on.

amtc

Complete and utter mid life crisis. Fuelled by romantic dreams and the mother who seems to agree. You know absolutely nothing about this woman and her life whom you knew for a very short period of time. Personally I would write, if only to get closure. Just the closure you're likely to get is no response or a 'yes it was a nice time thirty years ago'. You're living in a fantasy of your own making. A woman with her own career anď family in the uk is not pining for you.

Big Bag of Chips

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

It's just now I find that the roads seem to be merging again.....

How are they merging? She hasn't a clue how you feel. You're the one "merging" the roads by sitting outside her parents house and thn going in. Any contact she made/might make in the future would be in the view that it's been almost 30 years. You're just two people who used to know each other and it might be nice to catch up.

The fact that she contacted you 10/11 years ago means nothing, other than she was home, (was married!) and thought it'd be nice to catch up with you. I have an ex I was with in college. If I happened to be in his area, I'd probably contact him. (Maybe) It'd be very easy to find him and it might be nice to see what he's been up to for the past 20 years.

I would not under any circumstances contact him if I got even an inkling that he was still in love with me and pining after me all these years. Especially not if I'm married, and he was married/in a relationship. Why would I?

I don't see what good this thread is doing for you anymore. You need help beyond that which posters here can offer you.

SusieBlue

Your are being so selfish. I feel so sorry for your wife and children. Please seek help.

Hannibal_Smith

In your head the relationship never ended...there is obviously some truth to that, given that you've never let it go. But one, maybe two months down the line an average person would slowly accept a relationship is over. Give it a year and you don't even think about them anymore. Maybe on certain dates or certain things being them to mind, but to feel utterly in love with someone all this time with no contact whatsoever is a a fantasy.

Forget the ifs and whys. You're not together because she broke up with you. There is no 'if we were together now who knows'...You're not together because she ended it and left your life. It is over. Full stop.

She may have got in touch ten years after, but so what? She made one call and that was the last of it. She's married, living abroad. End of.

To write her a letter is just a cruel thing to do on her and on your wife. It serves no one but yourself and at the end of the day you are the one who let this fester for so long.

You need to figure out how to let it go now.

woodchuck

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you really feel in your head that the relationship never ended. But it DID! The problem here is that you haven't accepted that and grieved. That's what you should be focusing on. Because all you have at the moment is a fantasy. It's not real. Your wife is. Do what you need to do to put your past behind you and move on with your present/future.

The alternative is that you're actually not happy at all in your marriage and this obsession is just symptomatic?

Ursus Horribilis

woodchuck wrote: »

The alternative is that you're actually not happy at all in your marriage and this obsession is just symptomatic?

I'm not convinced you're happy in your marriage at all. The difference between how you write about E and how you write about your wife is like night and day. You put E on a pedestal on Day 1 and I'm not sure she ever came down off it. No woman could possibly compete with her, not even the woman you married. E's a goddess. Your wife might as well be a wet dishrag, going by how you write about her. Maybe you need to be honest with yourself as to why you married your wife and what your motivations were. I'm getting a distinct impression you married her as a second-best "she'll do for now" option.

Penny Tration

OP, with the greatest of respect, you need to see a psychiatrist.


You're obsessed with a lady you don't know, and her mother is barking mad to encourage this delusional behaviour.


You dont know her. You dated briefly and you're scarily obsessed with her. Hell, you've burst into tears more than once over her recently - that is not normal.

What would writing to her achieve? Do you really think she's thought much about you? You're some man who didnt even bother writing her a letter when she moved away, so she moved on, fell in love and has seemingly a loving, happy family.

Why are you so determined to meddle in that? You need help.

Your family deserves more. You need to sort yourself out.

Dee01

None of your messages over the last 8 pages show you've really listened to anything that has been said regarding a disillusion you have with a woman you don't know. It's quite a frustrating read.

If I found out my husband spoke about me the way you speak about your wife, I'd have him out of the house. I can't see any love for your wife in this thread and your kids seem really irrelevant to you as well.

Get help if you want although I don't believe you want it, but you need to leave the marriage that you have no interest in.

WorldCup1990

And it did it again on my phone, big long post and boom gone...

Anyway I will try and rewrite as best as I can.

Thanks to all those who have posted suggesting a positive way forward, it has really helped even though I seemed not to be listening. The posts who have said it's over, they are right, but I've been in denial for so so long I had lost my way.
As I said I've now accepted this and will get help to move on.

The mourning I now know I'm going through will I guess continue for another little while but I find myself better today than I was yesterday & I can only hope that trend continues. I've no doubt there will be more tears as I finally come to terms with it after such a long time.

On my relationship with my wife, as I said even on honeymoon she turned away and abandoned me, she made me wonder about the marriage. That was not or anything I did or didn't do on honeymoon, I tried really hard....! We made love three times in the three weeks we were away on honeymoon as an example, not three times a week, just three times.....

I suggested many times counselling over the years, but suddenly, things would be good, work would take a back seat for a while before she drifted away again within weeks. I'd put up with it again for 7,8, 10 months before it'd come to a head again, get better & the cycle would continue often going 6 weeks with out making love. It's not just the love making abandonment, that's just an example. She'd never even notice.... It's hard to forgive that after 20 years.....! But I put up with it, I'm not perfect either but I never abandoned my wife emotionally or physically.

The net effect was that E was always there in my head, in my head she never abandoned me, as I said I hadn't accepted it was over.

So yes I will move on, will E come back into my head and will I miss her, yes I'd say so, but I'd hope not, I'm not missing her today as much as I was yesterday

As also mentioned, I don't know her married name, so unless I call back to her mums I'll not be able to advance this, & I wont be doing that either.....

I realise that if she had wanted she'd have found me on the internet years ago, it's not difficult, so I also realise after this thread that if she hasn't contacted me this week following my visit to her mums I'll never be in contact with her again and I'm accepting that now. I couldn't see that until I got all the replies and processed it over the last few days, my head has been spinning.

For those saying cop on etc. I wish it'd been that easy, do you not think I told myself that hundreds of times over the years. And for those saying selfish, I always put myself second, I'd never be confident enough to stand up to people, although if you met me you'd be surprised by that comment. I doubt myself and my reason for living regularly.

I will stay with my wife as I'm loyal to a fault & hurting people is the last ting I want to do.

All I can say now to most of you as tears well up, not the sobbing of the other day is

Thanks, it really has helped, it's not the outcome I wanted, I wanted to be told to just go for it, how could you survive waiting for someone for 26 years, go after her and live happily ever after.

But this threads really the reality of the situation.

Penny Tration

Why would you stay with your wife?

You're not loyal to her, how can you even tell yourself you are? Youre obsessed with another woman, mourning another woman, trying to cheat with another woman (make no mistake, what you were doing repeatedly trying to contact this woman was attempting to cheat), you clearly don't love your wife - that's not loyalty!

She still has enough years left to find someone who loves her - as do you. Do both of yourselves a favour and drop the charade. It's unfair to you, to her but most especially to your children.

dee_mc

WorldCup1990 wrote:

I will stay with my wife as I'm loyal to a fault & hurting people is the last ting I want to do.

Nah, you'll stay with her because it's easier than being honest, ending your sham of a marriage and allowing both of you to move on apart.

Big Bag of Chips

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

The net effect was that E was always there in my head, in my head she never abandoned me, as I said I hadn't accepted it was over.

She moved to the UK and broke it off with you because you didn't write to her!!!!

She didn't come home. She moved, and never had any intention of returning. She married and built a family over there. She left you. And hasn't come back.

She left you.

She left you because you didn't write to her.

Hardly the amazing and wonderful person you have been imagining all these years.

I'm not saying she's not a great person, but she just didn't feel enough for you to want to stay with you. To the extent that she actually moved away from you! And then came up with a fairly flimsy reason to end it. I'd even wonder if she maybe two-timed you in the UK and rather than admit it and break it off with you she came up with a reason that made it somehow your fault. it wouldn't be unusual, and if she was young it might be something she'd have done out of immaturity.

What I'm saying is she's human. And I think the disappointment and hurt you feel over here is being transferred into your marriage. I think your wife never stood a chance. She was never going to measure up to this one. No matter what she did she wasn't going to live up to what you really wanted.

And I think it is so sad that on one hand you can admit that for 26 years you have pined over this person, and on the other you are not be able to acknowledge in any way that that would certainly have had an affect on your relationship with your wife. Your marriage sounds pretty miserable. But you are intent on laying all the blame at your wife's feet and not accepting that your attitude to your wife and your longing for this other woman could in any way contribute to the misery you are both (yes your wife is also miserable!) feeling.

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

...I wanted to be told to just go for it, how could you survive waiting for someone for 26 years, go after her and live happily ever after.

You're forgetting that in order to live happily ever after she'd have to want to be with you too.

WorldCup1990

HurlingRanker wrote: »

You've said a few things about your relationship with your wife in this thread, and how you feel she treats you. You married each other for a reason, have you thought about why that changed? Particularly from her perspective because with respect; you come across as a bit self involved, I'm not sure on your ability to see things from others perspectives.

You'd be surprised what a partner can pick up on. If you're hung up on another woman your wife is going to pick up on it, no matter how good you feel you're hiding it. If she's always been subconsciously number two to the other woman, I guarantee you, there is no way that will not have had an input into how you treated and perceived your wife all along.

You need to drop this fairytale nonsense, life isn't like the movies, if you and that other woman were meant to be you would never have lost her in the first place. You would have wrote back to her when she was in England, you can make all the excuses you like but if you really cared, if it was meant to be, you would have made it work. And I speak from experience there, seven years ago, the woman I married this year moved to England for three years. It damn near broke my heart to do the long distance thing but we made it work. I picked up the phone, she did the same. I emailed, she did the same. I wrote, she wrote. And I flew over there whenever I could and she flew over here whenever she could. Nothing in life worth having comes easy. It was hard, and at times it was bloody expensive. But she was worth the effort, and thankfully she felt the same towards me. If you couldn't even write a few letters there is no way this was meant to be. It ended for a reason, that may seem blunt, it may not be what you want to hear, but it's true.

What you really need to be thinking about is your relationship with your wife. If it's broken (and it really seems like it is) then can it be fixed? Are you just going through the motions? Would you both be served better by working on your relationship and improving it or by separating? Some major critical self analysis and analysis of your relationship with your wife required.

On the letters etc.

I still cannot write, Google often doesn't even have a suggestion for the word in trying to spell... I sometimes even use a different word if I can't figure out a close spelling.
I can type, because of spell check, then I rewrite and rewrite before posting. You cannot do that with paper.

I spent every penny I earned in phone calls and saving for hpilday flights for the summer etc. I gave everything I could but the letters let her down, It was always in ber letters asking me to write and how disappointed & let down she was not getting those letters.

Big Bag of Chips

So, what if you had written? What if you been able? Something else would have happened that made her decide it wasn't worth going on. Honestly, she just wasn't that in to you!! Simple.

You are completely contradicting yourself too, saying your wife abandoned you and was cold and indifferent to you, and then claiming you know she loves you as much as you love E...

Seriously, just cop on now.

You're either delusional or having a great laugh at everyone taking time to advise you. You clearly have your own little narrative going on in your head. Which makes zero sense to anybody reading this. And you are unwilling to be swayed. After pages of unanimous advice and opinion you came back saying you had it "figured out" and your great idea was to write her a letter. I don't know if you're honestly that clueless, or if you know exactly what you're doing, but either way it's a waste of time replying to you anymore.

Good luck.

Penny Tration

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

On the letters etc.

I still cannot write, Google often doesn't even have a suggestion for the word in trying to spell... I sometimes even use a different word if I can't figure out a close spelling.
I can type, because of spell check, then I rewrite and rewrite before posting. You cannot do that with paper.

I spent every penny I earned in phone calls and saving for hpilday flights for the summer etc. I gave everything I could but the letters let her down, It was always in ber letters asking me to write and how disappointed & let down she was not getting those letters.

Sorry but I call bull.


You're not illiterate, that's evident from this thread, and your clear ability to read the responses.


If your spelling was that terrible, you had the option of asking a friend or family member spell for you when you got stuck. The long and short of it is, you didn't bother.

Hannibal_Smith

OP you have to shake yourself. You really do.

1. You are in complete denial about your own marriage. There is no way you can say you have never emotionally abandoned your wife. You have loved and pined after another woman for the entire time you've known your wife. That is not showing dedication or devotion to your wife. That is absolutely emotionally abandoning her. OK. Maybe that's a bit strong, but you certainly weren't emotionally involved with her. You couldn't have been, if by your own admission, you have never moved on or accepted the end of your previous relationship. How could you possibly be emotionally involved with your wife when your emotions were clearly placed elsewhere. It is she you made your vows to and she is who deserved your loyalty. Not E.

2. On to E. I'm not sure whether I misunderstood you point here. But E did abandon you. She dumped you for not writing to her often enough. The flimsiest of reasons! Your wife has stood by you for 20 years. Yet a woman who couldn't stick with you for even half that, has earned your life long love and affection? How is that right?

3. You cannot depend on yourself to get you through the mourning process. It has taken you 20 years to accept a relationship is over. How can you say the mourning process won't take another 20 years.

Life is far too short for this. You don't have to go it alone. You can seek help with it. Whether through a friend or counsellor. They can help you through it so you don't torture yourself for too much longer and so you can finally deal in the now and learn to enjoy it. No one deserves to suffer like you are, but I think you for sure need help in finding the skills to get through it.

If you have issues with your wife and your marriage and if that is causing you misery, you don't have to be a martyr. Staying together out of 'loyalty' is not the answer. Getting over E may have been so hard you don't want to face something like that again? But your marriage for sure needs looking at.

seenitall

Hi OP,

What I think has happened with you, is you married the wrong person (going on by your account of how you tried to break it off with your wife, but she and others cajoled you into staying with her).

You "settled". It's sad, but it happens. But your consciousness wasn't strong enough to deal with that fact, so you concocted this whole other "The one who got away" illusion in your head of how things might have been etc etc which has no basis whatsoever in any reality, because you wanted to hold on to the feeling of actually being passionate about a woman, instead of settling for one.

But what you have done is just swap the torment of knowing, of feeling you have settled, for the torment of self-inflicted illusions, delusions and grief.

I hope things have finally come to a head for you now, and that you do follow up on the advice about counselling - I cannot recommend it enough for clearing your head and relieving yourself of your inner torments. Please try to move on, properly move on, for your own and your family's sake; you will only be able to do that when you work through your REAL feelings about yourself, your wife and your life, without all this imaginary Other Woman, Cathy and Heathcliff drama as this big, side distraction.

Badly Drunk Boy

Meself and my first proper girlfriend (after 5 five years) are on a break. Nearly 23 years after this 'break', with her getting married, and now with 3 kids, I don't think we'll be getting back together.

I'm single, and happy with that, and I'm happy for her and her family. I'm just a bit upset for her mother...who said that if it didn't work out, she wanted me to marry one of her other daughters. (Sorry if that trivialised the thread.)

SusieBlue

Did you ever consider that the reason your wife was so distant over the years was because she noticed you were still pining over this other woman and not giving 100% to your marriage?

And it's hilarious that you talk about being abandoned on honeymoon, what word would you use for someone who has strung their wife along for over 2 decades, plodding along in life while still stuck on this other woman in your head?

I would say you abandoned your marriage many years ago. You say your thinking about E is a symptom of your wife's indifference, I would guess that your wife's indifference to you is a result of her picking up on your pining for your ex.

You are not loyal. Stop trying to make a martyr of yourself. You are doing your wife no favours by staying with her.

kylith

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

On the letters etc.

I still cannot write, Google often doesn't even have a suggestion for the word in trying to spell... I sometimes even use a different word if I can't figure out a close spelling.
I can type, because of spell check, then I rewrite and rewrite before posting. You cannot do that with paper.

I spent every penny I earned in phone calls and saving for hpilday flights for the summer etc. I gave everything I could but the letters let her down, It was always in ber letters asking me to write and how disappointed & let down she was not getting those letters.

"The letters let her down"...

1) if your handwriting was an issue; typewriters have been around for over a hundred years.
2) if someone loves you they won't give a monkey's about your spelling.
3) you couldn't be arsed to write, making excuses about it (see points 1 and 2)
4) she dumped you over it, which (if you were calling her frequently) is a flimsy excuse which translates as "I don't want to be tied to you": i.e. she was probably dating other people already.

Dude: it's over. Seriously. If my BF from 20 years ago showed up at my mothers house and said he was still in love with me she'd probably call the Gardaí because that is seriously creepy, stalker-type, 'not right in the head' behaviour. And more than a bit sad and pathetic. Get Tom Waits off repeat and get yourself some counselling over this.

wylo

I'm no mod , but is thread starting to become pointless ?

WorldCup1990

@wylo, maybe for you....! I'm obviously struggling with incredible emotions atm so reading and working it through my head is important.

@Hanibal_Smith & @seenitall. Thanks for two superb well though out posts

Colser

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

@wylo, maybe for you....! I'm obviously struggling with incredible emotions atm so reading and working it through my head is important.

@Hanibal_Smith & @seenitall. Thanks for two superb well though out posts

Do you believe that she may still be pining after you or what exactly are you obsessed with..is it that you think that you'd still be together if you'd written letters?

Do you genuinely believe that this never affected your relationship with your wife?

Are you saying that you and your wife were happy on your wedding day and she suddenly changed during the honeymoon?

What would be the ideal outcome here in your opinion....get back with e or sort out your marriage?

What did your friends say when you told them the story?