Distant elderly parents & alcohol

LegacyUser

First thanks for reading,
A little advice or grounding for me. I would really appreciate any negatives kept to yourself unless deemed helpful. People with knowledge and expierence on topic greatly appreciated.

I'm not going into my complete life story but I've always had a tough time with my parents and communication . my father was a heavy drinker in my younger years and lost family friends and his company over it ..
He became sick many times however with a physically demanding job for most of his life when he lost it all and "retired" time and hard work and hard drinking caught up .

He did go off the drink for a short period

I've lived away for years then came back for a few years and then moved away but this time remained in same country .

Recently my life got busy and I had previously been visiting regular however for maybe 3 months very sparce visits .

For the past many many years I've slowly been convincing my mother to have a hip op. Thankfully she finally did with financial help from me .

( on going issue in this time frame is that my parents slowly becoming shut-ins for want of a better word )

Once that was done she returned home and I visited no problem . I was called away on a job for another month and when I returned I noticed even more my parents not really going out at all.
I did the usual jobs round the home etc .
I had noticed that my father had damages my.mother's car
( rear ) .
I opened boot near damage and observed a high amount of wine bottles vodka whiskey and beer ( all empty ).

At this time they could wait to get rid of me.
( they are unaware that I've seen empties in car ).

I've been very worried about my mother as due to a family tragedy that happened a few years ago none of us are the same however my mother took all the pain and hurt.

Fast forward to present day and they refuse to communicate with me . ( more so my father he seems to have become a controlling force in their marriage ).

I've tried many times upon previous visits of being positive arranging outings neighbours visiting when I'm there and not there . basically trying to show them that their life is not over.


I'm wondering really has anyone dealt with anything like this before ? I know there is no miracle cure here as there is more issues than most . but I'm concerned as to how to approach all this and am well out of my depth.

I'm extremely worried about the way this will go in the future
I'm basing this off how my grandmother ( fathers mum ) basically did the same thing until she was left with nothing and no one .

Any advice help suggestions .
I know I can't fix everything but I want to try.

And yes I've.tried talking about it with them. Its not happening


Thanks for reading

Ghekko

I gather you are on your own dealing with this - no siblings to help. Have you spoken to neighbours to get an idea as to your parents comings and goings during the day? Do any of the neighbours call to visit. Have you aunts/uncles who keep in contact with your parents? If no to the above I'd be inclined to have a word with gp or public health nurse to check in on them. It appears your father is drinking and quite possibly your mother may be too. Are you in a position to invite your mother to stay with you for a few days? It might help her to open up. My own father was an alcoholic but gave up. However as a recovering alcoholic he was still absent a lot at AA and helping others. He didn't have much of a relationship with us and he wasn't the nicest husband. Now that both parents have died it's sad to look back and wonder if mum could have had a nicer life in her later years. However she remained loyal to him. Your mum seems isolated and if there is anything you can do to help then do try, even if it's bringing her away for an odd weekend.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for your reply .
Yes some neighbours would call but not very often all neighbours are similar age vs physical and when I do go down I visit all including parents .
They have been to gp of course however they are able to hide / bypass it.

I've mentioned to my mother many times about staying with me or even taking her somewhere for something different or fun however as you say in your reference post she also remains loyal.
So loyal its crazy and worthy of a totally different topic post.

Yes dealing with all on my own which is fine and normal for me . extended family in different country and not interested unless it concerns money or land their way ( previous expierence ).

I think I have tried all I can but obviously nkot as nothing is working .

I love them.both more so my mother .
And need to help them and fix it .

I know exactly what you mean in your posting about wondering if your mother could be happier as I've spent a lot of time thinking the same for.my.mother

Ghekko

That's tough. I suppose your mum is just so used to living this way it would be difficult for her to even leave for a few days peace. She probably feels this is her lot in life. Old school. Unfortunately for us our mum died suddenly and we were left with our dad, which was never in the 'plan'. We always assumed he would go first as he was much older, and that at least then she would come and stay with us in turn or even move nearer to one of us and have a life.

You have tried your best. Short of abducting her there is little you can do. I'd still be inclined to ring their gp and have a word to explain your concerns about the drinking, without actually asking the gp anything about them. That way the next time your parents are in the gp will have more facts.

You mentioned a bereavement - was there any counselling afterwards? Maybe this is eating them both up? Again, that generation would be slower to seek help and would probably expect themselves to just get on with it.

You may just have accept that they are not going to change. Maybe one last chat with your mum telling her you love her and that you are there for her if and when she needs you might be all you can do.

Xterminator

And need to help them and fix it

Hi Op

i think the fact you think its up to you to fix this is causing you even more worries. Both your parents are adults and can make choices for themselves. They have and you don't agree with these choices.

So its not up to you to fix it.

Its up to you to be a loving supporting son, and to be there for them if and when they reach out. To be mindful of issues, but respectful of the fact that they do get to make their own choices.

you sound like a very caring individual. So my advice is to respect them too. your 'i know best' approach may alienate your parents ; i hope you can maintain a balance here.

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